What's wrong with me?

May 16, 2011

Some of you may have read my old posts, but basically im 19, was with a guy 4 years older than me for a while. We're in the same course, see him everyday. Got attached, but he didn't treat me well at all, switched between telling me i was beautiful and way out of his league, and shouting at me in front of friends and belittling me.

After a particularly cruel comment i ended things. he seemed upset. So was i, i missed him like hell, but i knew i was right to stick up for myself: i wasn't happy.

Straight after we broke up, he slept with a girl from my course who we both knew, 26, who had broken up with her longterm boyfriend a few hours before she and my ex had sex.

I was devastated, and knew i still had feelings for him, but felt i only had myself to blame because i had ended things. I cried nearly everyday. Going to class was torture. I couldn't, and still can't understand why he seems to treat her beautifully, and me so poorly. Making out in public, arms wrapped round each other....he wouldn't even put his arm round me.

I keep comparing myself to her, and it doesn't help that she's so much older. I don't think she's better looking, or smarter....but i look at her and i feel terrible about myself.

I hoped it was just a rebound on both their parts, but they're still going strong. it's been a few months now.

About 6 weeks ago, he engaged me in a pretty sexual conversation, and in a moment of weakness, i admitted i still have feelings for him. i still haven't forgiven myself for being so stupid.

He rejected me, and treated me to a big speech about 'how insanely happy he is with her, and how he hopes ill hurry up and get over him'

i don't know whether it was the guilt for being the type of girl that would admit to a taken guy that she was interested, the embarrassment and heartache of the rejection or the patronising way he basically told me to get over it. But it absolutely killed.

I went NC straight away (as much as i could given the circumstances) and havent broken it.

Now i see them everyday, being very loved-up and it breaks my heart. I still miss him. I can't stop picturing them in bed together. i opened up so much of myself to him, and he even admitted at one stage that he was an ass to me.

Everyday I spend a good 7-8 hours acting unfazed everyday. Mutual friends recognise them as 'The Couple' in the group. It's definitely starting to wear me down.

I feel really lonely in london at times, and some days it's all i can focus on.

My friend sent me this silly list of red flags you should look out for in guys, one of those 'ten or more and you should run' type of things. below are all the ones i picked that apply to him:

4. He disparages his own family.

5. He talks too much about money, politics or religion.

10. None of his relationships lasts longer than a couple of months.

13. He doesn't hold the door, help you with your coat, walk you to the car, etc. No manners

16. He expects you to split the check on the first date.

19. He talks about his mother all night.

30. He has no hobbies. Watching football doesn't count.

32. He one-ups you a lot.

33. He knows everything and won't let you forget it.

34. He talks about himself all the time and asks few questions about you.

35. He isn't open to points of view that differ from his

42. You catch him in a lie.

44. He criticizes you early on.

61. He's a narcissist: everything is about him. What you said earlier about men, were you talking about him?

69. He's not interested in physical activity beyond sex.

80. He belittles your opinion.

81. He blames his bad temper on you. You provoked him.

84. He's never wrong about anything. He'll say "I'm not perfect," yet he never admits mistakes.

86. He has trouble articulating his feelings.

87. He talks about exes in a sexual way

88. He seems threatened by your relationships with other men and makes jokes about them. "Who's that, your new boyfriend?"

92. He makes a comment about your weight

96. Nothing is ever good enough: "Yeah, that was good, but you should have done this or that or the other."

He even criticised me for being Scottish. Said it made me 'less experienced in life'. He's a Londoner.

And you know what?

I still have feelings for him. I still feel like my guts are being ripped out when i see them kiss after class.

So what's wrong with me?

i know low self-esteem is a big part of it, but why can't i look at a list like that, and realise: im wasting my time crying over a twat?

But he's nice to her i feel like she's something im not. I miss feeling confident and like my old self.

Does anyone have any advice, other than NC for dealing with seeing an ex with someone new? Or ways to stop comparing yourself to their new gf/bf?

I really can't go on feeling like this. It was bad enough NC alone, but now im in NC and he knows I have feelings. It's torture.

May 16, 2011

Gisele ask yourself this question. Would you be happier if they broke up? It seems an ego thing with you here. How can they breaking up or the way he treats her, make u feel better about yourself?

You are beating yourself up and what's worse is your beating yourself over a guy who is not worth it. The only way you are going to come out of this is when you finally realise the ONLY person that can make you happy is YOU...Below is an article from MSN on how to get over an ex (it was written for a guy but it works both ways). I would also recommend (I said it before) writing letters you NEVER send. Writing down short term and long term goals and tick off the list when you see them. I hate to say it, but writing everyday on this site does not seem to be helping you what so ever.

1) Is it really over? Maybe she's testing you? Maybe you're testing her? Maybe this is the 10th time you've 'broken up' in as many months? Only you know if this really is the end, but if it is, take your fingers off the keypad. "You need to talk about it," says Kate Taylor, relationship expert at match.com. "But not to her. Repeat, not to her."

2) Chat to girls. But not like that. At least, not yet. "Instead of spending hours crafting the perfect 'casual, yet meaningful...' text message to your ex, spend the time talking it out with your friends instead," says Taylor. "Female friends are perfect, as they'll be sympathetic and supportive and will encourage you to get everything emotional out in the open." That's a good thing, apparently.

3) Clean her out. We don't mean financially. We mean, clean her out of your life, or if that's impossible, at least get rid of reminders of her from your home. It will be painful, and there'll always be the temptation to stare mournfully at old photos wondering about what might have been. But it's for the best, because from now on it's your space again."If the whole place reminds you of her, move some furniture around, redecorate, or make small changes like covering the sofa in a new throw," says Taylor. "Ask your female friends what a 'throw' is," she adds, unhelpfully. This won't just stop you being surrounded by memories. Apparently, novelty helps boost your brain's dopamine stores, which will lift your mood

4) Get Fit. Breaking up is not just one long dark night of the soul, even if sometimes it feels like it. There are opportunities for self-improvement too, and one of them is to get fit, which will make you feel better about yourself, your body and life in general. In fact, a good idea is to hit the gym on those occasions when you used to see her, which can be the most maudlin times of all. "Channel your misery into physical activity - running, cross-training, rowing, swimming... anything where you can challenge yourself," says Taylor. "It will release naturally anti-depressant endorphins, distract your mind from repetitive ex-thoughts, and put you in an environment filled with fit, attractive women." This last point is important. You might not feel like dating right now, but seeing those hard-bodied babes will at least make you realise that - wonderful though she was... is.... whatever - she isn't the only girl in the world.

5) Do New stuff. Play chess, learn to cook, join the work squash league, start collecting model trains...anything. Apparently, we can only hold seven thoughts at one time. If you fill your brain up with other stuff, you'll slowly squeeze out thoughts of your ex. And of course during one or two of those activities you might meet other women... not that you're interested in any of that. Yet

6) Get ahead work wise. One way to squeeze thoughts of her out of your head is to ask for new tasks at work, which has the added bonus of making you look conscientious and hard working and putting you in line for a promotion. Throwing yourself into work, like hitting the gym, is one way to get positives out of what at first looks like a wholly negative event. "Not only will new challenges break up your daily routine, but it will be a positive distraction," says Taylor. "It doesn't matter if it's driven by wanting to impress your ex at the start - 'If I get a brilliant new job, she'll want me back' - this will be short lived."As time passes, you'll enjoy the new challenge for itself and success at work will boost your self-esteem."

7) Take an evening class to boost your career skills, or a weekend course to learn a new language. Again, it's a good idea to schedule this kind of stuff for the times you used to see her, to emphasise the psychological boost of squeezing positive benefits from a bad situation.

8) Do the things she hates. No, not ringing her repeatedly at four in the morning and threatening her goldfish - these things will get you a court order. Instead, do all the stuff that you really like doing but she hated, just to prove that life without her won't be all bad. For example, if she loved beach holidays, book a city break with a mate. That way you won't be tempted to spend the whole time wondering what you'd be doing if she was with you. In the same vein, watch favourite films you know she didn't like, go to old man pubs rather than the swanky bars she preferred, and wear the jeans you love but she turned her nose up at.

9) In fact, talk to The Boys. Once you're over the initial shock of the break-up, your male friends become an invaluable resource for fun and forgetting (not so much straight away, when female friends may be more useful - see above)."Later on, your male mates will come into their own, teasing you to cheer you up and taking you back out on the town," says Taylor. And by confiding in them, bantering with them and being out with them, you reinforce the bonds of your friendship. Even blokes can get a bit distracted in a heavy relationship. Another positive of your break-up may be the opportunity to reconnect with the friends who will be with you as girlfriends come and go. Slowly but surely, get back in the game...Only you'll know when it's the right time to date again, and there's nothing wrong in taking it very slowly indeed. As long as you're honest and up front, it's OK to look for no-strings arrangements, too."It's alright to take things slow for a while and allow a bit of time to regain your confidence. Online dating can be a great way of doing this as it gives you the chance to connect with new people even when you're perhaps not quite up to that first date just yet," says Taylor.

10) And by the time you're thinking about other women, however tentatively, you can breathe a huge sigh of relief. You're over the worst, and you've broken up without breaking down. You've even made yourself a better catch in the process. It's been a long road, but you've come a long way baby!

May 16, 2011

There's nothing wrong with you, it's natural to feel this way. We are in such a similar situation so I know exactly how you feel, except in my situation...he doesn't want a relationship right now, but still wants to date like we have been....which basically makes me a friend with benefits.

Read a few of my threads...seriously it will help you to know you're not the only one feeling so much pain for someone who doesn't even deserve you.

I hope you feel better about everything =(

May 16, 2011

Thanks for replying Mack, i appreciate it. thanks for the article too, ive read nearly everything the web has to offer for this type of situation though, i don't want to feel this way!

And i do not want to stop posting here.

This place has been a godsend for me, to be able to talk about these things openly and without feeling judged. It also stops me from feeling guilty about talking my friends to death about the same old thing.

People here understand what it's like, because we're all more or less in the same painful boat.

Posting here is helping me. The way i see it i have two choices: keep venting here when i feel the urge, or go back to bottling it up.

I understand that you're saying im not taking control of my own happiness by not standing on my own two feet with the issue, but to me: it's going back to bottling it up, and spending everyday in close proximity to them is painful enough.

Im sorry if my posts frustrate you and i really do appreciate what you're trying to tell me, but i think you've at a different stage of recovery than me, so maybe you see things from a perspective that I just can't yet.

It may be a sign of weakness that i keep coming on here to vent, but it's given me strength and reminded me that im not alone, so im not going anywhere.

i agree that it is an ego thing as well, that i fell hard for this guy, and had such a short time to process the split before he was in bed with someone else: i took it personally, as a reflection on me.

it sounds immature, but given his history of short flings, i think that for them to break up would be some sort of reassurance to me that she's just another number too: that i wasn't the only one to get treated that way, so maybe i didn't deserve it after all.

Does that make sense?

i don't want you to feel like i'm always ignoring your advice when you reply to me: i'm not, and i'm grateful for your patience. Im working on myself everyday, and I do feel my confidence returning, it's just a slow process and this forum gives me an extra boost.

Sitting here venting is not my entire recovery plan, if that's the impression ive been giving

im just looking for tips, support and any insight people who have had similar experiences (particularly related to seeing them on a daily basis) can give, so that i can deal with the situation more quickly and gracefully

May 16, 2011

He even criticised me for being Scottish. Said it made me 'less experienced in life'. He's a Londoner.

So what's wrong with me?

NOTHING!! The bit I left quoted I think is the part that's "wrong" with this situation.

Not the most helpful, informative or insightful post, but I really hate southerners that go on like that.

It's why people from down south have such a bad rep here up North, "we're better than you, we've done more and seen more" no you're not and no you haven't.... Get out of London and see more of the country....

Bet he goes on about his "gap year" [said in a very POSH accent].... Bloody southern-fairy-sherry drinking barstewards. Find yourself a nice Northern lad lass!! hehe!

May 16, 2011

Ha, thanks, but it wasn't so much him talking about himself that got me down, but the constant feeling of 'not being good enough' for him that was created because he constantly compared himself to me, a lot of 'one-upping' going on

i feel like NC or not, i still can't stop fixating on them.

There's definitely something wrong with me why else would my mind drift to them so much, it's emotional self-harm

May 16, 2011

Ha, thanks, but it wasn't so much him talking about himself that got me down, but the constant feeling of 'not being good enough' for him that was created because he constantly compared himself to me, a lot of 'one-upping' going on

i feel like NC or not, i still can't stop fixating on them.

There's definitely something wrong with me why else would my mind drift to them so much, it's emotional self-harm

Why do you care so much about what he thinks of you? He sounds like a blatant loser if you ask me. Do you really care what a loser thinks of you? You're better than him, don't let him make you feel inferior just because he's dating some whore.

May 16, 2011

She's not a whore (though i don't know why im sticking up for her) but yes, he is a loser.

i think it's because im very easily influenced, i care very much about what people in general think of me (ones I know, not so much strangers) and his rejection of me and good treatment of her have put them both on a pedestal in my mind

Also they're quite loud and not so much popular, but definitely prominent socially, and it makes me feel side-lined.

I shouldn't though, you're right. I can't wait until i don't have to see them for a while

i think i have a lot of self-esteem issues, whether caused by the break-up or not, that are being lumped together with their relationship

You've really helped. thank you. I'll probably be in tears again tomorrow, but it was a good reminder that their behaviour, or more importantly HIS, shouldn't be dragging my self-worth along behind it on a rope.

They don't deserve that power, and im handing it to them

May 16, 2011

Is there any way i can distract my mind from them while they're RIGHT IN FRONT of me though?

i can never get rid of that horrible, gut-wrenching feeling, and it's making me anxious in social situations were i know they're there

May 16, 2011

She's not a whore (though i don't know why im sticking up for her) but yes, he is a loser.

i think it's because im very easily influenced, i care very much about what people in general think of me (ones I know, not so much strangers) and his rejection of me and good treatment of her have put them both on a pedestal in my mind

Also they're quite loud and not so much popular, but definitely prominent socially, and it makes me feel side-lined.

I shouldn't though, you're right. I can't wait until i don't have to see them for a while

i think i have a lot of self-esteem issues, whether caused by the break-up or not, that are being lumped together with their relationship

You've really helped. thank you. I'll probably be in tears again tomorrow, but it was a good reminder that their behaviour, or more importantly HIS, shouldn't be dragging my self-worth along behind it on a rope.

They don't deserve that power, and im handing it to them

Well, you mentioned her having sex with your ex-bf literally hours after she broke up with her bf, so I just assumed. You care WAY too much about what other people think of you. This was my downfall for awhile as well, but I learned to not give a f*ck about what anyone thinks. There's so many missed opportunities that go missed because we care too much about what people will think if we take these opportunities. My best advice to you is to try and not care too much about what people in general think about you. And so what if he's treating her better, it could just be a show they put on just to try and make you jealous. You don't know what really goes on behind the scenes. When you find a much better guy than he ever was, you'll be kicking yourself that you cried over this loser but it's understandable, sometimes we need to cry.

May 16, 2011

Is there any way i can distract my mind from them while they're RIGHT IN FRONT of me though?

i can never get rid of that horrible, gut-wrenching feeling, and it's making me anxious in social situations were i know they're there

Well, what I normally do when I know I'm going to be confronted with these type of situations are: dress to impress, head held high, be confident, be talkative (don't let them think that they're having any control over your actions by making you be quiet around other people), and just be yourself and don't acknowledge their presence. If you have to talk to them for some reason, pretend that you don't even know them. They will surely be questioning what's up and why your demeanor has changed.

May 16, 2011

Desensitized, you've helped a lot, thank you!

Yeah but i honestly think she was looking for 'revenge sex', if not a longterm thing

I was hoping they were BOTH rebounding, but it's been 3-4 months now!

That's DEFINITELY how i feel: that there are certain people (who i get on really well with) that i 'can't' walk up to and have a conversation with because they're 'their' friends. it's ridiculous, but i actually feel sick with nerves at the thought of it!

thanks for the advice, i think im going to try and get looking my best and remind myself that no matter how bad the situation makes me feel, as long as i don't show it, they'll be none the wiser

i think that's what upset me: since i admitted my feelings to him, i feel like an open (pathetic) book, just asking for pity!

And his patronising 'aw you should get over me because she's fantastic' speech did not help. i don't know why he felt he had to do that :/

May 16, 2011

Desensitized, you've helped a lot, thank you!

Yeah but i honestly think she was looking for 'revenge sex', if not a longterm thing

I was hoping they were BOTH rebounding, but it's been 3-4 months now!

That's DEFINITELY how i feel: that there are certain people (who i get on really well with) that i 'can't' walk up to and have a conversation with because they're 'their' friends. it's ridiculous, but i actually feel sick with nerves at the thought of it!

thanks for the advice, i think im going to try and get looking my best and remind myself that no matter how bad the situation makes me feel, as long as i don't show it, they'll be none the wiser

i think that's what upset me: since i admitted my feelings to him, i feel like an open (pathetic) book, just asking for pity!

And his patronising 'aw you should get over me because she's fantastic' speech did not help. i don't know why he felt he had to do that :/

well, when was the last time you admitted your feelings to him? and also, what's done is done, you can't take it back. If it's been a while since you've admitted your feelings to him, just shrug it off and tell yourself "hey, I was vulnerable then, but I am no longer vulnerable." We've all told our ex's something we regret telling them to give them power over us, but you didn't give him the power today; therefore, you need to stop dwelling on the fact that you gave him power over you. You can do this, get out there and start talking to your old friends again. If you can't do that, try socializing again and make new friends some people feel the need to patronize others for stupid reasons, and sometimes it has to do with irrationality. If you treated him well, though (which I have no idea if you did because I have not read your other posts) then he shouldn't be treating you like a di*k.

May 16, 2011

It was about a month ago so what you're saying helps

He was interrogating me about my sex life (in detail....) and men (friends) he'd seen me with, and when i asked why he was asking such inappropriate things he said he was 'just curious'. I thought maybe they weren't together anymore and he was interested, and made the huge mistake of telling him i still had feelings. Then the 'im insanely happy with her speech' ensued.

Grumble.

I treated him the same as all my old boyfriends, which is well, and in his case, not what he deserved given the way he treated me in return!

id love to block them on facebook but i don't want to give either the satisfaction, because from what he was asking, he seems to be on mine quite a bit: he would notice if i blocked him

That being said, seeing them post on mutual friends' walls or worse, PHOTOS of them all lovey dovey makes my stomach lurch. Even stuff like 'oh *insert name* was sleeping at mine last night so ill tell him to phone you later!'

Cue horrible mental images :/

Any idea when THAT feeling will stop lol?

It annoys me because i look at her and think: she's nothing special. Why does she deserve to have him and be so happy, and not me?

i know that sounds really bitchy and harsh, but i keep asking myself crap like that!

i really hope i can just meet a lovely, decent guy and move on from all this

May 16, 2011

It was about a month ago so what you're saying helps

He was interrogating me about my sex life (in detail....) and men (friends) he'd seen me with, and when i asked why he was asking such inappropriate things he said he was 'just curious'. I thought maybe they weren't together anymore and he was interested, and made the huge mistake of telling him i still had feelings. Then the 'im insanely happy with her speech' ensued.

Grumble.

I treated him the same as all my old boyfriends, which is well, and in his case, not what he deserved given the way he treated me in return!

id love to block them on facebook but i don't want to give either the satisfaction, because from what he was asking, he seems to be on mine quite a bit: he would notice if i blocked him

That being said, seeing them post on mutual friends' walls or worse, PHOTOS of them all lovey dovey makes my stomach lurch. Even stuff like 'oh *insert name* was sleeping at mine last night so ill tell him to phone you later!'
Cue horrible mental images :/
Any idea when THAT feeling will stop lol?

It annoys me because i look at her and think: she's nothing special. Why does she deserve to have him and be so happy, and not me?
i know that sounds really bitchy and harsh, but i keep asking myself crap like that!

i really hope i can just meet a lovely, decent guy and move on from all this

The other girl was probably just a rebound in the beginning, but then, he just sort of learned to accept her company and things morphed into something else. He probably still has feelings for you, but he's making things out to be like everything is perfect between him and his current girlfriend. You talk about horrible mental images, and I know where you're coming from. Whenever I would go on my ex-fiancee's Facebook, I would see the pictures of her ex-boyfriends with her and it would make my stomach churn. These feelings go away with time. I am no longer with her, and now, I can look at those pictures and just say to myself, "well, they were before me. and besides, I deserve a lot better than her." Try not to look at those pictures or their statuses. You'll meet a good guy when you least expect it

May 17, 2011

Straight after we broke up, he slept with a girl from my course who we both knew, 26, who had broken up with her longterm boyfriend a few hours before she and my ex had sex.

I keep comparing myself to her, and it doesn't help that she's so much older. I don't think she's better looking, or smarter....but i look at her and i feel terrible about myself.

Give yourself some credit... at 19, most girls would let themselves believe that the other woman was better looking, and smarter, no matter whether it were true or not.

It doesn't take much to figure out that you are better than he is, and that you deserve somebody much higher on the social ladder.

And y'know, one of the main things you will evolve to feel a LOT more comfortable about over the next 20 years, is merely knowing that others out there know that you fancy them, no matter whether they feel the same way.

May 17, 2011

Hi Gisele all those points that you described about your ex were scareily similar to my ex aswell.

May 17, 2011

Thanks to all of you for replying, im worried that my friends are sick of hearing about it so it's great to get support here

Justagirrl, im so sorry, i completely missed your post until now, i feel so rude!

Thanks for replying, it helps to know we're not alone! Im going to read through your previous threads

Sugarkane thanks to you too, it helps to know that you're not alone

Desensitized you've given me such a boost and i really appreciate it. ive read some of your posts about your ex-fiancee and your input is really valuable

I think the most frustrating thing about it is feeling fine one day, then devastated the next, and over the slightest of things.

It kills me to watch them kiss and think it should be me. When i actually couldnt take it one day and turned to my friend and said 'i never should have broken up with him' their response was 'are you kidding!?!?' which makes me wonder why im so hung up on him when he treated me poorly. Maybe i just didn't like being replaced so fast, and typically want what i can't have.

I still feel like she doesn't appreciate his good points though (believe it or not from what ive said, he had some!). Intelligent humour she doesn't really get. She's not stupid by any means, but she's the poker straight hair, fake tan, short tight skirts type. If it doesn't boost her image, she doesn't really see the point. She's not a nasty girl i don't think. She's rumoured to have poached a few other girls' boyfriends i found out, but she's never done anything to me that she wasn't within her rights to

And i still find myself wondering if he treats her like a princess (as it appears) or if he's the same to her as he was to me behind the scenes, and she just tolerates it better than i did.

I feel so evil and cruel for hoping it's the latter, but the idea that he'd change his whole behaviour for her is really hard for me to take, and brings back the same thing i wondered most of the relationship: is he treating me like this because he thinks i deserve it?

SincereOnlineGuy thanks for replying, and i think it's because other people were looking out for me during and after the break-up that i didn't let my selfconfidence get completely crushed. Im not bad-looking, and a few guys came up to me after the break-up saying they had heard from girls on the course how he had treated me, and they couldn't understand a) how he'd got me in the first place or b) how i lasted as long as i did

And it felt lovely, but i think id started at that stage to hang so much of my selfworth of my ex's opinion of me (because he made it so DIFFICULT to get his approval!!) that i was completely under his power. Those guys went unheard, and id be back to wondering why my ex would stare at me all night then go back to shoving his tongue down her throat

I think what you're talking about me developing over the next 20 years is good oldfashioned CONFIDENCE, to not take rejections personally, and to not care if a guy knows or not because if he doesn't want me, it's his loss

Im definitely not there yet

His rejection said one thing to me "she's better, more experienced, more interesting etc than you, and i don't want you anymore"

After a relationship where he refused to even buy me a drink, discussed my body type (which i never understood, i have a great body and im thankful for it, and when others complimented me on it he seemed proud) or my hair, questioned and belittled my opinions constantly, made me fight for the slightest morsel of affection, even a hug...then yes, it was pretty devastating to hear

May 17, 2011

Also, have realised that they might be together a very, very long time, which is a horrible thought Heard from a friend that during their first few weeks of going out that things weren't going very well, she was complaining to people that she 'missed her ex' and she wasn't very happy with my ex.

But it's like that all just disappeared. They're all over each other, inside jokes, PDA like you wouldn't believe....i think part of me is desperate to know what it is about her that got him to treat her as well as he apparently does, so i don't have to wonder if it was something about ME that deserved to be treated badly

I also don't understand why they have to write about what they did last night or every day on facebook. It's as if they see each other, then go home and go straight on facebook to have a public conversation about what they just did. Fb in general annoys the hell out of me, and ive noticed im much happier when I avoid it. Am adding that to the 'to do' list for getting over this

May 18, 2011

Thanks to all of you for replying, im worried that my friends are sick of hearing about it so it's great to get support here

Justagirrl, im so sorry, i completely missed your post until now, i feel so rude!
Thanks for replying, it helps to know we're not alone! Im going to read through your previous threads

Sugarkane thanks to you too, it helps to know that you're not alone

Desensitized you've given me such a boost and i really appreciate it. ive read some of your posts about your ex-fiancee and your input is really valuable

I think the most frustrating thing about it is feeling fine one day, then devastated the next, and over the slightest of things.

It kills me to watch them kiss and think it should be me. When i actually couldnt take it one day and turned to my friend and said 'i never should have broken up with him' their response was 'are you kidding!?!?' which makes me wonder why im so hung up on him when he treated me poorly. Maybe i just didn't like being replaced so fast, and typically want what i can't have.

I still feel like she doesn't appreciate his good points though (believe it or not from what ive said, he had some!). Intelligent humour she doesn't really get. She's not stupid by any means, but she's the poker straight hair, fake tan, short tight skirts type. If it doesn't boost her image, she doesn't really see the point. She's not a nasty girl i don't think. She's rumoured to have poached a few other girls' boyfriends i found out, but she's never done anything to me that she wasn't within her rights to

And i still find myself wondering if he treats her like a princess (as it appears) or if he's the same to her as he was to me behind the scenes, and she just tolerates it better than i did.

I feel so evil and cruel for hoping it's the latter, but the idea that he'd change his whole behaviour for her is really hard for me to take, and brings back the same thing i wondered most of the relationship: is he treating me like this because he thinks i deserve it?

SincereOnlineGuy thanks for replying, and i think it's because other people were looking out for me during and after the break-up that i didn't let my selfconfidence get completely crushed. Im not bad-looking, and a few guys came up to me after the break-up saying they had heard from girls on the course how he had treated me, and they couldn't understand a) how he'd got me in the first place or b) how i lasted as long as i did

And it felt lovely, but i think id started at that stage to hang so much of my selfworth of my ex's opinion of me (because he made it so DIFFICULT to get his approval!!) that i was completely under his power. Those guys went unheard, and id be back to wondering why my ex would stare at me all night then go back to shoving his tongue down her throat

I think what you're talking about me developing over the next 20 years is good oldfashioned CONFIDENCE, to not take rejections personally, and to not care if a guy knows or not because if he doesn't want me, it's his loss

Im definitely not there yet

His rejection said one thing to me "she's better, more experienced, more interesting etc than you, and i don't want you anymore"

After a relationship where he refused to even buy me a drink, discussed my body type (which i never understood, i have a great body and im thankful for it, and when others complimented me on it he seemed proud) or my hair, questioned and belittled my opinions constantly, made me fight for the slightest morsel of affection, even a hug...then yes, it was pretty devastating to hear

You're hung up over him not because you want to be with him, but because you want what you can't have. Also, even if you broke up with him, it doesn't mean that you didn't feel bad doing it, right? Which is another reason why you're still not over him because you never really got time to recuperate from the break up. He just jumped into another relationship which made you believe that your relationship was meaningless - you see him treat this new girl well and you get jealous. Why? Because in your eyes, he's treating her a lot better than he ever treated you (which could be true). You broke up with him, remember that. Remember the reasons WHY you broke up with him. Obviously, something wasn't going right. Otherwise you wouldn't have broke up with him, no? We all question the decisions we made after we break up with someone, but you just have to remember WHY you broke up with the person. I can't stress that enough. We all remember things about our ex's that we love, but we can't forget the bad either.

May 18, 2011

You're hung up over him not because you want to be with him, but because you want what you can't have. Also, even if you broke up with him, it doesn't mean that you didn't feel bad doing it, right? Which is another reason why you're still not over him because you never really got time to recuperate from the break up. He just jumped into another relationship which made you believe that your relationship was meaningless - you see him treat this new girl well and you get jealous. Why? Because in your eyes, he's treating her a lot better than he ever treated you (which could be true). You broke up with him, remember that. Remember the reasons WHY you broke up with him. Obviously, something wasn't going right. Otherwise you wouldn't have broke up with him, no? We all question the decisions we made after we break up with someone, but you just have to remember WHY you broke up with the person. I can't stress that enough. We all remember things about our ex's that we love, but we can't forget the bad either.

You're right. And i keep trying to remind myself how nasty and cold he was to me, but i also can't help wondering if he's changed, because of the way it appears he treats her.

Also it really hurts seeing them everyday. My dream is them both switching courses or something, it's so hard to recover from a break up in this environment

I keep fantasising that they'll break up, or he'll get bored and start to consider what i offered him. It's such a blow to confidence and selfesteem.

His longest relationship lasted 6 or 7 months, and he just jumps between women it seems. He's been in about 25 'mini' relationships

I just feel like if i have to be a witness to this one lasting, with the girl he had sex with straight after we broke up, itd kill me. Am having a bad day with it all

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