TragicAlliance Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 This is my first time ever posting on any sort of forum, so be gentle with me. =) I was in an on-again/off-again LDR from 2008 until April 1. He lives in England; I live in the southeast US. We met on an online game we both played heavily and have known each other for at least 5 years. We even were unofficially married on that game in 2009... take it how you will. When he wants to be, my ex is a very sweet, witty, intelligent, funny man. He used to know how to make me smile no matter how down in the dumps I got... and believe me, being that I'm bipolar, I could really get low in the dumps. For my 21st birthday, he sent me a package that held 21 little individual presents... each one symbolic for something about me, or something about he and I. He later on sent me a ring, which I wore religiously and considered a good-luck charm. But I guess the Honeymoon Phase wore off or something. The sweet, gentle, almost timid man I fell in love with turned into a selfish, cold, distant storyteller. It got to a point where the only time he would show concern for our relationship was when he got scared I was planning to leave him. Our first hangup came when he told me he only talked sexually with me because I wanted it. It put a huge dent in my trust (and my self-confidence!), but we eventually moved past it... I guess you could call it that. It's more like complacency on my part... I settled for sexual encounters maybe once every few months, figuring that's just how it was. Nowadays, I don't even have a sex drive. Consequence, perhaps? Moving on. Our second hangup was when he told me he didn't want me to change my relationship status to list him as my boyfriend because, quote, "My friends don't like you and will yell at me." When I told him that he had seriously hurt my feelings, he sighed and answered, "Whatever, just do it." I never did. I thought as his girlfriend, I would have a bit more priority over his friends? Was I selfish for that? He soon stopped saying "I love you," and would sidestep me when I would say it to him. I confronted him about our relationship's crumbling state and asked him to talk to me... but he always had an excuse. "I'm busy with work." "Can we talk about this later?" "I'm tired, how about we talk tomorrow?" "I don't want to argue with you." We used to Skype on a regular basis. In fact, we would actually fall asleep on Skype together at the peak of our relationship. But he soon started blowing off Skype, asking if we could talk later or something... unless HE wanted Skype himself, to which he'd call without warning and complain if I wasn't quick enough to answer. And when he finally would say, "Okay, I'll get on Skype," he would say maybe 5 sentences to me and fall asleep. Then in January, he completely stopped with Skype, and I decided it was useless to even ask anymore. He told me in January that he was making plans to come visit me for 2 weeks in February. Around mid-February, I asked him when he would be visiting. He replied, "But what about my work? I can't just leave it alone for 2 weeks." And I was fine with that... until he approached me a few days later and announced out of the blue, "In April, I'm going to be gone for 3 weeks on a kayaking trip." (Then, to add insult to injury, he told a female friend - who had a huge crush on him - that he would make an effort to visit her while he was on his trip.) I asked him when he planned this trip, and he told me he had done it days before but didn't tell me because, "I didn't want the argument I knew would happen if I told you." He informed me he wouldn't have internet access. I asked him how he'd do his work... he ignored my question. The day before he left on his trip, I broke up with him. I had gotten so bitter with him, so miserable and angry, that I couldn't take it anymore. (Keep in mind this is the super short version of the relationship... I'd elaborate more but it'd turn into a novel.) He told me he was devastated, but left the next day for his vacation. Miraculously, though, he managed to find internet... he would occasionally pop on to brag about how much fun he was having to his friends. He came to me around the third day of his vacation and told me he was crushed, miserable, and missed me. It felt fake, and I told him that I hoped he felt better soon. After that conversation, when he would talk to me, he would talk about his trip and otherwise ignore the fact that we were broken up. Then, one day, he asked me to send him an email detailing how I felt about everything. So, stupidly, I did. Four hours of my life, all of my emotions, and seven pages later, I sent him a message detailing every last thing I thought he needed/wanted to know. He replied back with a page-long response that felt like he was basically telling me, "I'm sorry about treating you so badly, but I'm more concerned about myself and my happiness than yours." I sent him another email in response, and nothing more came of that. He kept telling me he wanted to try and reconcile with me, but I found it ironic that he would tell me this and then disappear for days at a time. He told me later he regretted going on this trip, that he should've just lost the money so that he wouldn't have lost me instead. I couldn't find it in my heart to believe him. Tonight I guess I exploded. I told him I felt like I was wasting my time, and he got offended that I didn't recognize his efforts at trying to reconcile with me. I told him that, to me, one email did not constitute "trying." I asked him why I shouldn't be convinced that he'd simply go back to being distant with me, and he simply replied, "I give up." Here's where I'm conflicted. If he never talked to me again, I wouldn't care. Or so I think. While I will not initiate conversation with him, anytime he intiates conversation with me, I get sucked right in. Now that he's back from his vacation, he's trying to talk on a daily basis. During our conversations, he asks a ton of questions about every minute detail of my life, which annoys me. Not because he's taking an interest in my life, but because it feels fake. For the past few months, he hasn't given much thought about my daily life... why, all of a sudden, is it so important now? Half the time he asks me something, I want to smart off with a sarcastic or otherwise snarky comment to show my displeasure... but I hold back and simply answer instead. Usually when I break up with someone, I am sad and greive for 2 weeks, and then I pick myself up and get on with my life. I don't talk to any of my exes anymore, except for him. What gives? Why, all of a sudden, am I struggling now? I've had 3 boyfriends before him - the first 2 basically used me for sex; the third one... I'm not real sure what happened there. I feel like this ex has emotionally abused and manipulated me to no end... and, being bipolar and having relatively bad self-confidence and a low self-image, that's all I need in my life. In my mind, I know I'm over him. My heart, however, seems to believe otherwise. I've given him so many chances, and he's blown every one of them. I've also known him long enough to know that if he had wanted to change, he already would've. Why am I apparently willing to give him yet another chance to worm his way back into my heart and rip another hole into me? Have I been so badly abused that I'm convinced this is "normal," or is there a legitimate love still lingering? If I'm being selfish or overly demanding, please tell me. I want to know the truth of the matter. I don't want to hate him - I really don't. But I'm so afraid that if I give him another chance, and his behavior continues... that I will. Do I stop being so critical and lower my defenses, or do I barricade myself and beat a hasty retreat? Do I give it another chance, or do I cut my losses? Please advise. And thank you for letting me tell my story. =)
iceweasel6 Posted April 29, 2011 Posted April 29, 2011 tragicalliance, You are right, if you do give him another chance, the behavior will continue. He seems to be a very "avoidant", the more you get close to him, the more he pushes away. I can see how he uses "sex" as an indicator of intimacy, and the fact that the frequency of sex decreased over time is a barometer for his fear of intimacy. The more fear he felt, the less sex occurred. Avoidants are strange, they tend to only react when they fear they will be left alone, but when they are alone they feel upset that they are alone - so they want a relationship, but once they establish one, they get upset because they feel as though their lifestyle is being crowded by their significant other. At this moment, I can tell you that his "having fun" is manipulative, same thing can be said about how distant and cold he is being. The truth is deep down in side he is feeling remorse and pain. However, even though he is feeling remorseful, true realization hasn't occurred for him to realize what he has done to you, and he will say just the right things that you want to hear to give him a second chance. He needs to be able to recognize what his behaviors are and how it affected you, and what he can do in the future to fulfill your needs, and provide you with the intimacy you need. Additionally, you need to vocalize to him what your needs are - eg: you need to feel close to him by engaging in regular sex or regular skype, the reason why you need to do those things is because it makes you feel connected, not because your needy, but you want to feel close to him. Understand that he will feel that you wanting more of his time is you trying to control or demand "all" of his free time. Let him know that you respect his time, but you need this affirmation and intimacy in this relationship. If he can't fulfill your needs, you pretty much have your answer how you will proceed. Be straight forward and honest. I hope things work out.
Author TragicAlliance Posted April 29, 2011 Author Posted April 29, 2011 I'm starting to see the error of my ways. He has absolutely no intentions of changing. In fact, he's complaining about all the work he's gonna have to make up... BUT he's also managed to schedule two watersports events this weekend at the same time. I'm so tempted to tell him that anyone who has sympathy for his "plight" is stupid, as his priorities are all mixed up... but what's the point? He'll get cranky and throw a little tantrum, not talk to me, and then go off on his adventures anyway. I had sent him a message this morning saying that if he was truly serious about figuring out how to proceed with he and I, he needed to go talk to some unbiased, third-party who has no friendships to him nor me. I figure he hasn't bothered... and why should I believe he has? It's all about him. In short, he doesn't care and I'm sitting here contemplating how to tell him where to go and not come back from. I know I shouldn't be THIS angry at his lack of effort, and that I should take it for what it really is - which is him basically snubbing me and laughing in my face for being gullible and falling for his tricks. But my resentment of him grows stronger, and I'm one step closer to hating him... Maybe hating him would be better than trying to tolerate him and his nonsense...
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