Different Religion/Political Standpoint

[Enchanted Girl]

Maybe you guys will think this is trivial (and I honestly hope that it is), but I'm a bit worried because I have a different religion and political standpoint than my boyfriend does.

 

I'm a Christian and he's an atheist. I'm a republican and he's a democrat. I'm not an extreme Christian or republican, in fact, on many issues you will find me arguing with the typical christian or republican, but I feel more akin to them anyway. It was the way I was raised and the kind of people I grew-up around. But I don't really talk about it with him or his family or friends, even when they are sitting around making fun of Christians and republicans, which they do on occasion. (And it makes me feel uncomfortable.)

 

He's not really the type to debate and when it comes to morals, life outlooks, and hobbies were are very similar. (He actually follows a lot of Christian morals even though he isn't one.) But I worry a bit that this will get in the way eventually, especially if we ever decide to have kids together because I'll want to teach them how to pray and things. And I don't want it to. Maybe I am paranoid because in the Christian religion it says never to marry someone outside the religion because they believe it causes problems.

 

Do you think this will become a problem later? And is there a way for me to be honest about who I am and what I believe completely without it being a problem? What am I supposed to do when they make fun of Christian and republican stuff? Continue to say nothing or what?

[Jazzari]

I was married to an athiest and while I don't attend church or follow conventional religion, I am very spiritual and have strong beliefs.

 

It was never a problem. We debated religion often and generally enjoyed it. There were a few times when the debates got heated, but that was extremely rare and over quickly.

 

I would have a harder time with politics. I don't think I could be married to someone who was on the opposite side of the aisle. The first time they made fun of Republicans or (heaven forbid) trashed Reagan I would be down their throat in a heartbeat. And any Obama discussion would likely end in bloodshed.

[OldSkool]

But I don't really talk about it with him or his family or friends, even when they are sitting around making fun of Christians and republicans, which they do on occasion. (And it makes me feel uncomfortable.)......................

 

And is there a way for me to be honest about who I am and what I believe completely without it being a problem? What am I supposed to do when they make fun of Christian and republican stuff? Continue to say nothing or what?

 

1. As a republican and someone who tends to follow Christianity more often than not I will not associate with people who will make fun of Christians and Republicans while I am in the same room. I'm not talking about debating point counterpoint of political beliefs but instead the general denigration ad hominem attacks and name calling that has taken the place of political debate. If I am with someone who knows my political and religious beliefs and they allow this type of disrespect to continue or even worse encourages it, that's a major and immediate dealbreaker. You don't respect my personal beliefs, you obviously don't respect me and I will NOT tolerate disrespect any more than I will tolerate dishonesty.

 

2. How you react is going to be up to you. I personally have no problem defending my beliefs (loudly) and if that is a problem to someone else, well that is their problem. Quite frankly if your BF lets this go on, knowing that it disturbs you, you need to take a closer look at the relationship. I have dated several liberal women, and what made it work was that we RESPECTED our differing points of view and NEVER made it an issue in the relationship. I.E. that also meant not allowing my like minded associates to denigrate, attack or otherwise insult her point of view. All my associates know that I am with her because of who she is, not what she is.

[threebyfate]

H. and I are both atheists so that aspect's not an issue.

 

Politically, he leans more right so for fun, I polarize further left to stimulate debate. We have a great time with these discussions since it never gets personal and at the end of the day, these are just conceptual discussions of ideology since we're both generally moderates, leaning right or left on different issues where we agree on smaller gubmint.

 

I know I couldn't be with an extremist of any kind.

[BiscuitXOXO]

If ya'll are discussing kids/marriage, then it would be good to bring it up with him, especially if it is bothering you. Communication is key.

[Eve]

Maybe you guys will think this is trivial (and I honestly hope that it is), but I'm a bit worried because I have a different religion and political standpoint than my boyfriend does.

 

I'm a Christian and he's an atheist. I'm a republican and he's a democrat. I'm not an extreme Christian or republican, in fact, on many issues you will find me arguing with the typical christian or republican, but I feel more akin to them anyway. It was the way I was raised and the kind of people I grew-up around. But I don't really talk about it with him or his family or friends, even when they are sitting around making fun of Christians and republicans, which they do on occasion. (And it makes me feel uncomfortable.)

 

He's not really the type to debate and when it comes to morals, life outlooks, and hobbies were are very similar. (He actually follows a lot of Christian morals even though he isn't one.) But I worry a bit that this will get in the way eventually, especially if we ever decide to have kids together because I'll want to teach them how to pray and things. And I don't want it to. Maybe I am paranoid because in the Christian religion it says never to marry someone outside the religion because they believe it causes problems.

 

Do you think this will become a problem later? And is there a way for me to be honest about who I am and what I believe completely without it being a problem? What am I supposed to do when they make fun of Christian and republican stuff? Continue to say nothing or what?

 

Well I am not a political person, so that would not bother me too greatly.. unless he had any extremist views.

 

I think if your faith is more about tradition and politeness rather than a living faith, it probably won't matter in the long run as this is basically the same as a humanistic viewpoint.

 

If you have a relationship with God and abide with Him, then eventually yes, you could run into trouble later on down the line.

 

I don't know why you would want to be with someone who makes fun of your faith when in company.

 

My Hubby was not a Christian when we met but was open to observing the faith .. and saw for himself.

 

I would not go out with an atheist at all. Agnostic yes, atheist, no.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Enchanted Girl]

1. As a republican and someone who tends to follow Christianity more often than not I will not associate with people who will make fun of Christians and Republicans while I am in the same room. I'm not talking about debating point counterpoint of political beliefs but instead the general denigration ad hominem attacks and name calling that has taken the place of political debate. If I am with someone who knows my political and religious beliefs and they allow this type of disrespect to continue or even worse encourages it, that's a major and immediate dealbreaker. You don't respect my personal beliefs, you obviously don't respect me and I will NOT tolerate disrespect any more than I will tolerate dishonesty.

 

That's a good point and I think that's what bothers me. The past two days they've been calling Republicans idiots and doing a bunch of name calling of George Bush without actually saying WHY they are doing those things.

 

I'm a really weird person who actually enjoyed both Bush and Obama as Presidents. (Usually when people say they hate one of them, I disagree, and most people hate at least one of them.) I just think they are both wonderful role models (very dedicated to their families) and both did/do their best to give this country what they think is right.

 

So when people say Obama doesn't have a birth certificate or that he's the anti-christ (both of which I've heard people say), I roll my eyes, and when people say George Bush is just some dumb cowboy, I roll my eyes, too. It's just a bunch of mudslinging and nothing actually productive is being discussed. No one is discussing their policies or ideas and the ramifications of those things. They are just calling them names and using stereotypes.

 

I think I also got upset because my Mom isn't afraid to speak her mind and she's more on the opposite side of the spectrum from them than I am and they were doing this in front of her and when she argued with them a bit, they totally disrespected her opinion.

 

Also, I got mad at my boyfriend because sometimes he makes fun of Jesus and while I sometimes think there are things wrong with the Bible, I still think Jesus and Christians in general are very respectable people. And this morning, I said,"I love you" and as a joke, he said,"Jesus and I love you, too." Making fun of Christians. I just found it to be extremely tasteless, especially considering that I don't make jokes making fun of any religion or non-religion (if that's what being an atheist or an agnostic is) in any way.

 

So I think a lot of it is what you said. Feeling disrespected if I don't totally agree with them.

Edited April 28, 2011 by Enchanted Girl

[AstroZombie138]

Just to chime in, I met a girl last week and I feel we connected pretty quickly. Our first date on Tuesday went extremely well and I expect to see her again this weekend or soon after.

The only snag I see early on is that she is very Christian and I am very agnostic. She's already invited me to a Bible study which I politely declined. I believe it was more of a friendly gesture on her part than her already working to try to convert me or something. It's still quite early though and for now it just remains a concern in the back of my mind. "Christian" can mean a lot of things to different people and groups. It'll probably be a process to find out what it means for her and if she has a place in her heart to date someone that doesn't share her belief.

[alethean]

Maybe you guys will think this is trivial (and I honestly hope that it is), but I'm a bit worried because I have a different religion and political standpoint than my boyfriend does.

 

I'm a Christian and he's an atheist. I'm a republican and he's a democrat. I'm not an extreme Christian or republican, in fact, on many issues you will find me arguing with the typical christian or republican, but I feel more akin to them anyway. It was the way I was raised and the kind of people I grew-up around. But I don't really talk about it with him or his family or friends, even when they are sitting around making fun of Christians and republicans, which they do on occasion. (And it makes me feel uncomfortable.)

 

He's not really the type to debate and when it comes to morals, life outlooks, and hobbies were are very similar. (He actually follows a lot of Christian morals even though he isn't one.) But I worry a bit that this will get in the way eventually, especially if we ever decide to have kids together because I'll want to teach them how to pray and things. And I don't want it to. Maybe I am paranoid because in the Christian religion it says never to marry someone outside the religion because they believe it causes problems.

 

Do you think this will become a problem later? And is there a way for me to be honest about who I am and what I believe completely without it being a problem? What am I supposed to do when they make fun of Christian and republican stuff? Continue to say nothing or what?

 

I can admire people like you who have the balls/ovaries to overcome something like this. Especially politically, when certain issues come up I do get rather passionate.

 

If you can deal with the offenses and/or communicate in some way that certain language will not be tolerated around you, then that's good. But personally, I don't believe I could actually date an atheist, especially one who takes my faith so lightly that he feels he has to make jokes about it. It's like if I dated someone of another race/ethnicity, I wouldn't want them to make jokes about my race or ethnicity. (Unless we had some kind of weird mutual understanding where we both made jokes or something.)

[alethean]

Just to chime in, I met a girl last week and I feel we connected pretty quickly. Our first date on Tuesday went extremely well and I expect to see her again this weekend or soon after.

The only snag I see early on is that she is very Christian and I am very agnostic. She's already invited me to a Bible study which I politely declined. I believe it was more of a friendly gesture on her part than her already working to try to convert me or something. It's still quite early though and for now it just remains a concern in the back of my mind. "Christian" can mean a lot of things to different people and groups. It'll probably be a process to find out what it means for her and if she has a place in her heart to date someone that doesn't share her belief.

 

I know several couples that have managed to work things out despite differences in religions (or lack thereof). It all comes down to compromise and mutual understanding. I know you're not nearly there yet, but things do come up. I guess it's up to you guys to decide whether or not you guys can handle that particular situation--as you're right. "Christian" does mean different things to different people.

[StoneCold]

I'm just right of center but not religious at all.

 

two touchy things with people..... religion and political lean..... you guys are opposites on both...I dont see this going well.

[Nexus One]

I don't hail to any religion or political party. I'm agnostic and don't believe in political parties anymore after the betrayal of the people they've demonstrated on both sides of the spectrum. The things most politicians spew are just red herrings, distractions from the real issues.

[Disillusioned]

Well then, for sure you don't want to know what it's like to be a Wiccan anarchist.

[lovingADove]

If politics and religion are very important to you, then you need to make sure he knows it.

 

If you are Christian, then religion should be important, you can't be ... 1/2 way Christian. Either you are or you aren't.

 

As for politics ...I vote more for the person than the party, however I simply have the hardest time getting along with Republicans.

[Nexus One]

Well then, for sure you don't want to know what it's like to be a Wiccan anarchist.

 

Frankly, that actually sounds interesting.

[Disillusioned]

Frankly, that actually sounds interesting.

 

My 4 ex gfs would beg to differ with you.

[EasyHeart]

I think it depends on (1) whether you both are respectful of people with different opinions and (2) how thoughtful both of you are about your opinions.

 

A lot of people have superficial religious/political opinions that really originate with their family & friends -- they are liberal or conservative because that's all they've ever been exposed to, or in order to fit in with their peer group. Those are the people who aren't capable of discussing much beyond either party's talking points, and they tend to be really boring. I don't care about any other person's political or religious views, so long as they are able to articulate WHY they believe the things they do.

[Chocolat]

Hi EC,

 

I don't think this is trivial at all.

 

I think it is possible for people of different faiths/political leanings to be together, but the key is respect for each others' views. In this case, it does not sound as though your bf respects you.

 

 

But I don't really talk about it with him or his family or friends, even when they are sitting around making fun of Christians and republicans, which they do on occasion. (And it makes me feel uncomfortable.)

 

<snip>

 

Maybe I am paranoid because in the Christian religion it says never to marry someone outside the religion because they believe it causes problems.

 

One reason it causes problems is exactly what you posted -- you feel silenced by the fact that his family and friends openly mock your beliefs.

 

Do you think this will become a problem later? And is there a way for me to be honest about who I am and what I believe completely without it being a problem? What am I supposed to do when they make fun of Christian and republican stuff? Continue to say nothing or what?

 

You shouldn't have to say anything. Do you and your friends make fun of your bf's atheism and/or political beliefs? What would it say about you as a person and your feelings for your bf if you did?

 

I think I also got upset because my Mom isn't afraid to speak her mind and she's more on the opposite side of the spectrum from them than I am and they were doing this in front of her and when she argued with them a bit, they totally disrespected her opinion.

 

There is no reason to be disrespectful. Ever. It shows a lack of manners and an inability to present a reasoned argument.

 

Also, I got mad at my boyfriend because sometimes he makes fun of Jesus and while I sometimes think there are things wrong with the Bible, I still think Jesus and Christians in general are very respectable people.

 

It makes me sad to read this. Why do you feel you have to keep rationalising your beliefs by prefacing them with statements like "I think there are things wrong with the Bible" or "I don't always agree with other Christians/Republicans," etc.? Is that how you want to live your faith, always having to buffer your sentiments with a disclaimer?

 

So I think a lot of it is what you said. Feeling disrespected if I don't totally agree with them.

 

How invested are you with your bf? If it's a lot, then have a talk with him and let him know that you expect the same respect from him as you give him. If he can;t do this, then seriusly consider whether this is a relationship worth having. A man who won't respect your religious or political beliefs likely doesn't respect you.

[Eclypse]

Luckily I'm dating someone who has the same political view as me, and that is that all the major parties are equally corrupt and all promise big things and never deliver. I think the simpsons portrays it wonderfully by making fun of both the democrats and republicans. Let's face it, they're all as bad as each other.

 

Also I'm lucky the girl I'm with is atheist. I don't have a problem dating a religious person but no child of mine will be forced to go to church or Sunday school or pray. They can choose on their own without any interference from parents. If a girl I date hints she'll force her beliefs on our kids she'll be out the door faster than you can say "freedom of choice."

[Kelemort]

I'm an atheistic agnostic Liberal and my boyfriend is an atheist and Liberal. He's far more along the atheism spectrum than I am (to a fault, in my opinion); I'm more readily understanding that other people have different beliefs, and it doesn't affect me. Onto the point here, though:

 

You're right in that differing a great deal in either of these two realms is going to be problematic in a relationship. Some people manage to compromise on them beautifully - I've seen couples take their children to the synagogue, the mosque, or the church for worship all in a single week. I've also seen married couples with different political beliefs discuss their differences in a respectful way.

 

But here's the thing: I think that those people are a rarity, unless they're just not that serious about the religion or the politics. But for people who are serious about one or both (even if only ONE partner is serious about one or both), it's probably going to cause some troubles.

 

You don't say how long you've been with your boyfriend, but the fact is he's already ripping things which are important to you. Does he know that you're a Christian and a Republican, or is that under wraps because you're afraid? If he knows, he's an asshat. If he doesn't know, he's simply in the dark and making a broad assumption about you.

 

So, if you haven't told him, tell him already. Explain that you understand why he's come to the conclusion that he has about politics and religion, but that your life experiences have taken you in another direction. Since you choose to respect his beliefs, you are hoping he will respect yours and stop making critical remarks about Christians and Republicans.

 

What's right for one person may not be right for another.

 

You're right to be looking into the future, wondering if this is going to go over well when you have kids.

 

Talk to him about this. I told my boyfriend that while I wouldn't raise a child within any particular religion, I would educate them about as many of the mainstream ones I can find (because let's face it - in the U.S., most folks ascribe to Christianity. I don't want my kid to be the single kid in the class going, "Jesus Christ? Who is that?").

 

And if someday my kid says, "Mom, I've thought about this and I want to go to church," you can bet that we would meet with some pastors and I would attend church with my child. I told my boyfriend about my intentions, and he agreed to them. I feel much more relaxed about our future child-rearing than I did before.

 

So, that's what I would suggest that you do. Think up some other scenarios where this might be a problem. Ask him how he thinks he might respond, or how he has responded to others like you in the past.

 

But if he already knows about your beliefs but mocks them like that anyway, he doesn't respect them - and it makes me wonder if he can respect you, since you possess those beliefs.

[zengirl]

Politics is more important to me than religion generally, though I could not be with a hardcore Christian.

 

I'm very liberal (extremely leftist, as in I think President Obama is nowhere near liberal---I associate more with the Labour Party in the UK than any American system, and they call themselves liberal socialist in nature, though most Americans don't know what the word "Socialist" means and think it's an epithet that means I want to take their houses and issue them communal uniforms or something) and mildly Buddhist.

 

I could not be in a relationship with anyone who respected or liked George W. Bush or didn't recognize his crimes against this nation and the world. To me, that's a serious moral issue, more so than most of my religious views even. It's a defining value. I grew up in this era of government and am very well informed and love researching things (don't get my news from cable, for instance) and am well-traveled as well. I feel about him how most of the world does: He's a criminal. There are people in this country who feel that way and people who don't. I cannot even be close friends with anyone who truly feels his administration was productive for Americans. Which is not to say I shun all Republicans. I know some Republicans who feel this way and who have more liberal social values as well, and that I can deal with. I also couldn't date anyone who was intolerant towards homosexuality, which many Christians are. I recently cut things off with Few Dates Guy because I realized he was against gay marriage (He was Jewish, not Christian, but the value thing applies). To me, anyone who does not believe in providing people with opportunities, education, health care, and ALL the civil rights available to everyone. . . those are dealbreakers. There are a multitude of issues I can see nuance on and deal with various viewpoints, but it just depends on the issue.

 

So, I suppose it depends on how you see your beliefs. To me, my religious beliefs are not a huge deal (I couldn't date anyone with views vastly different from my own, but I'm pretty open) but my political views are because they are in line with my version of morality, which is the core of my value system.

 

So. . . I suppose it depends on if these conflicts are in terms of communication or if your value systems are really colliding in important ways and you're just ignoring it because of chemistry. At this point in my life, I've learned Value Systems trump everything. It may not feel like they do when the Love Drugs are flowing, but that level of love drugs wears off and values are what you're left with.

[linwood]

Do you think this will become a problem later? And is there a way for me to be honest about who I am and what I believe completely without it being a problem? What am I supposed to do when they make fun of Christian and republican stuff? Continue to say nothing or what?

 

It could cause a problem with the way you raise your kids.

 

You`re going to have to sit down and speak to him about what both of your expectations are concerning these differences.

 

I`m an atheist and there`s no way I could have married a practicing Christian and had kids with her.

[AstroZombie138]

Just to chime in, I met a girl last week and I feel we connected pretty quickly. Our first date on Tuesday went extremely well and I expect to see her again this weekend or soon after.

The only snag I see early on is that she is very Christian and I am very agnostic. She's already invited me to a Bible study which I politely declined. I believe it was more of a friendly gesture on her part than her already working to try to convert me or something. It's still quite early though and for now it just remains a concern in the back of my mind. "Christian" can mean a lot of things to different people and groups. It'll probably be a process to find out what it means for her and if she has a place in her heart to date someone that doesn't share her belief.

 

I posted this two and a half weeks ago and today would be a good day to bring this up again.

I still have been seeing this girl for the past few weeks and I really enjoy hanging out with her. We had our first kiss a week ago or so.

This Sunday morning I agreed to meet her and her Bible study group at a park. I showed up and it was only her and another guy and a girl, which wasn't too surprising because she said her group usually only maxes out at around 7-8 people. The format was pretty standard Christian stuff--an opening prayer, they read from the Bible, sang a few hymns, and a reading from some other book. One of the other people selected various passages from the Bible and gave his interpretation of what he thought the overarching message was. He was also called upon by my girl (who was facilitating the group) to "speak in tongues", which is something I'd never seen in person and frankly think the whole concept is kind of ludicrous. Overall, I felt pretty uncomfortable though.

 

I feel like when this girl and I meet up again for another date I need to make it clear that spiritually, she and I are in two very different places and that I don't see myself converting back to Christianity anytime soon. I don't know if that means a relationship can't be had with us but I feel like I need to nip this in the bud before we go any further. I plan to be very respectful but firm.

 

Any thoughts or suggestions?

[lovingADove]

I think if your friend is really deep into religion(basically, if religion drives major decisions in her life), it will be almost impossible for both of you to have a relationship, especially if you don't see yourself converting to her core beliefs.

 

I'm more spiritual than religious, but I grew up in a religious household and lots of my family is very attached to church.

I have dated girls, that were more "religious than me" and I have made it clear where my limits are, the things I could and couldn't do.

 

You and her need to have a very frank discussion on this. The earlier, the better.

[Star Gazer]

Maybe I am paranoid because in the Christian religion it says never to marry someone outside the religion because they believe it causes problems.

 

That's news to me...