Asking a guy out on a date

[Lilmisus]

Lots of people keep telling me "This is the 21st century! Women should be able to ask men out on dates just as much as men as women out on them!" Others..not so much.

 

When I asked my one male friend about this, who has had his current girlfriend for almost two years and is a complete lady's man, he said that he would put a girl in her place if she asked him out since he feels that's a whore thing to do. My brothers apparently are all the same way, as are a few other guys I know, since I asked them too. Some dudes though seem to have no issue with it, and actually enjoy a girl asking them out.

 

I had no issue asking my ex out on dates before we started dating last year, and insisted on paying for a fair share of the dates we went on. But now, after realizing just how little I meant to him, I'm rethinking the whole approach and am deciding not to do it anymore, though many are telling me that there's no issue with it and are trying to encourage me to ask out the guy that I like. I now feel that I want a guy who is willing to pursue me and who really wants to be with me, and who is willing to go out of his way to ask me out, rather than me doing all the pursuing like I ended up doing before.

 

I'm just wondering, how do you guys feel about it when and if a girl asks you out? Do you feel "honored"? Insulted? Would you say yes because you feel pressured into it, not because you actually wanted to go out with her? Or would it not make a difference to you, who asks the person out, as long as it's asked?

 

And girls, would or have you asked a guy out on a date? How did it turn out, or make you feel? Did it make for a lasting and meaningful relationship or did you feel the way I did and long for more initiative and drive from him in the dating process?

[runner]

i don't know that you have to ask him on a "date" in those specific terms.

 

here's a story...a long time ago a girl in one of my classes invited me to a party she and her friends were having; i wasn't particularly busy so i agreed to go. since i didn't really know too many people there, she and i hung out pretty much all night. turns out that i actually enjoyed her company and thought she was kinda cute (now that i was actually paying attention to her). mind you she and i were sitting in the same class for a few weeks up to this point. anyway the night wore on and we eventually ended up kissing and making out for a bit. we ended up becoming a couple for about three years after that night, which might not have happened if she never invited me out first.

 

don't be shy about making things happen

[marigold7]

When I asked my one male friend about this, who has had his current girlfriend for almost two years and is a complete lady's man, he said that he would put a girl in her place if she asked him out since he feels that's a whore thing to do. My brothers apparently are all the same way, as are a few other guys I know, since I asked them too. Some dudes though seem to have no issue with it, and actually enjoy a girl asking them out....

 

I had no issue asking my ex out on dates before we started dating last year, and insisted on paying for a fair share of the dates we went on. But now, after realizing just how little I meant to him, I'm rethinking the whole approach and am deciding not to do it anymore, though many are telling me that there's no issue with it and are trying to encourage me to ask out the guy that I like. I now feel that I want a guy who is willing to pursue me and who really wants to be with me, and who is willing to go out of his way to ask me out, rather than me doing all the pursuing like I ended up doing before.....

 

And girls, would or have you asked a guy out on a date? How did it turn out or make you feel? Did it make for a lasting and meaningful relationship or did you feel the way I did and long for more initiative and drive from him in the dating process?

 

Hi! (first post)

I think this is a great question and topic for discussion.

Preliminary thoughts:

I think that comment from your male friend was rather rude, even though I can see where he's coming from.

I think you/women should be assertive, but not aggressive when it comes to starting a relationship. Your rethinking makes sense, but you don't need to be completely passive either. I'll explain this later.

 

My background, to answer your final set of questions:

I am a woman who has done her fair share of asking guys out. When I was in high school, I tended to ask guys to the dances, whether it was the girls' turn to ask or not because guys wouldn't ask me to go. I'm assuming it was because I was never really talkative. In other situations, I again tended to do the asking.

 

In my more recent relationships, different things have happened. All of them started online. One was initiated primarily by the guy, another was a friendship that became a relationship kind of smoothly if I remember correctly, and the one I'm in now was actually initiated primarily by me, but then quickly became quite balanced. We take turns paying for dates and just kinda try to get together when we can; it's not like either of us is really pushing the other person to hang out. The two previous relationships turned out to be awful, and I consider myself very fortunate to be in my current relationship. Honestly, I don't know what would have happened if I had not done the initial pushing that I did. It wasn't that much, however, which brings me to the crux of my argument.

 

I think that it is best, in most cases, for the guy to pursue the girl. In some cases, however, it works better for the girl to pursue the guy. For instance, if the guy is incredibly shy, the girl should probably pursue him. But there are certain ways that girls should go about doing this that make it less awkward.

These, of course, are not hard and fast rules, especially since I am no expert, but it is my opinion that it's better to go this route.

 

The girl can, and sometimes should, initiate the beginning of a relationship with the guy she is attracted to. By this I mean that the girl can, and sometimes should, be the first to start talking to the guy, start casually flirting with the guy, basically make it easier for the guy to get to know her. I believe that the girl can ask the guy out on the first date. But, in most cases, she should really let the guy take the lead as soon as possible. For example, if I had not asked the guy who would become my current boyfriend if we could meet, I think things may have turned out quite differently. But I still consider it important for the guy to think that he has to actually work to keep the girl.

 

Also, I think it's critical that girls relax more. At least many of the girls I've heard about or talked to...they tend to fret about whether guys like them, etc. and honestly, although it may seem quite important at the time, it's really not the biggest deal in the world when you look back years later. Many times, the people who seem to be adorable turn out to be weirdos or stupid or you actually forget you ever had a crush on them.

 

Ok, I'll get off the soapbox. I apologize if this answer isn't helpful! Also, I apologize if I'm not talking to your age group very well, I didn't bother to see if you have your age listed on your profile. Sorry. Best of luck!!

[Nexus One]

When I asked my one male friend about this, who has had his current girlfriend for almost two years and is a complete lady's man, he said that he would put a girl in her place if she asked him out since he feels that's a whore thing to do. My brothers apparently are all the same way, as are a few other guys I know, since I asked them too.

 

Those men sport a ridiculous line of logic. (with all due respect to your brothers)

[TokyoG33kyGal]

there is nothing wrong about asking a guy out, just find someone who is okay with it. i believe that dating should have an equal footing (in a hetero sense) so in order to get the guy you want and looking for, you have to go for it.

 

asking someone out on the first date does not mean that you always end up initiating when you eventually commit and he would simply slack off. that one incident is an isolated case.

 

women have a lot of power in choosing partners, only if we recognize it. dating is a big gamble and some experience and rejections give you character.

[Lilmisus]

Thanks for the input y'all!

 

At the beginning of our budding friendship, I was the one that initiated the conversations and whatnot, but as of now, he's definitely the one who's taking the lead in everything. Especially since I can't walk around the restaurant and am basically locked to my spot all night, and he can.

 

So for a little rundown:

 

I'm 20. He's 25.

 

He's always coming up to talk to me when he can. Last night, he literally stayed there talking to me when he could for about 10-15 minutes, and we just talked about the most random things, and kept laughing about silly things, and he was standing very close to me (about a foot away, leaning in ). It was especially awesome since my ex was standing there with a friend watching us for about a minute, and I knew he was jealous .

 

He's always remembering and bringing up little jokes we have, and is always keeping the ball rolling when it comes to things. Like, at the beginning of his employment there a couple of weeks ago, I did some little thing to him that I do to everyone, and didn't think anything of it, and even forgot that I did it to him. Tonight..he took me wayyy by surprise and made me laugh by doing it to me (first person to ever do it back to me), laughing, saying he knew it was my thing, but that he wanted to get me back for it. He's done things along these lines quite a few times now. I make a joke..he repeats it the next day, or a couple more times, or vice versa.

 

But, the thing is this: he knows that everyone has been telling another guy to ask me out this past week, even though I didn't want anyone to, and even though I'm not even sure if I want to go out with that guy. I'm afraid that he might have labeled me as "friend" and feels completely comfortable talking to me when he thinks I'm way into this other guy..when in fact..he's the guy I really want to date (just..people are keeping it under wraps since they know how much it means to me to do so). Though, that's not the reason I wont be asking him out, it's the reason that I feel so weird about trying to make things happen with him and pursuing him. I don't want to come across as desperate for a boyfriend here, ya know? So another question (that could totally be made into another thread): how to make a guy ask you out when it's my case scenario?

[thatdog]

I think guys who don't like women asking them out are way to old fashioned. Unless you are very 'traditional' also then it's probably a good sign the relationship wouldn't work anyhow.

 

Asking out a guy is a bit of a risk but only because you are the one initiating interest. How many guys get stuck in a situation where they like a girl and ask her out and her response is along the lines or 'idk, he seems nice, maybe it will work out so I'll give him a go' then a few dates later she realises she isn't that keen and vanishes. If you ask him out then you are reversing the roles and have to deal with the fact that he might feel the same way (vaguely interested but also kind of indifferent). There could be a million reasons why he hasn't asked you out. ONLY ONE of them is that he isn't interested. If you really like him I say you should take the risk and have a go.

 

No jokes. I just visited an old friend of mine that i had a carried a torch for for 5 years. The end of which happened when she came to visit me when I was living out of town. I thought things might happen. They didn't. I realized then and there that nothing ever would. Today that visit came up in conversation and she tells me she expected something to happen as well and she cried for days afterwards before deciding never to chase me again. If she had just come out and said something.... If I had just said something.... .. I guess the moral is don't let it happen to you even if you have to swallow your pride and take the lead.

[Professor X]

I'm just gonna tell you what you want to hear.

 

Don't ask him out, wait for him to ask you out... And if he doesn't, what do you care? You're not desperate for a boyfriend remember?

 

Lol, though he has a point.

 

If you're willing to lose a guy over some ridiculous nonsense.. than by all means.

[EasyHeart]

You're only 20?!?! This is a good example of why everyone should state their age when they post. From your OP, I assumed you were 35-40.

 

There's nothing "wrong" with asking out a guy. Some will like it, some won't, and there's no way to tell in advance. But at your age, guys are still learning how to ask out women. It's and incredibly hard and awkward thing to do, so try to be a little empathetic --- AND HELP HIM OUT!

 

If you think a guy likes you, but he hasn't made a direct move, suggest something like "We should meet for coffee some time," "We should go for a run some time", "We should go to the library some time" -- whatever it is that you have in common. (I'm assuming you must have some things in common, since you seem to talk to each other a lot). If you're talking about a movie, say "Oh, I want to see that!" Then when she says, "So do I!", you say, "When should we go?"

 

The "We should _____ some time" is one of a woman's most powerful weapons. It lets her take control of the situation while still letting the guy THINK he's in charge.

 

Now go get him, dammit!

[Lilmisus]

You're only 20?!?! This is a good example of why everyone should state their age when they post. From your OP, I assumed you were 35-40.

 

There's nothing "wrong" with asking out a guy. Some will like it, some won't, and there's no way to tell in advance. But at your age, guys are still learning how to ask out women. It's and incredibly hard and awkward thing to do, so try to be a little empathetic --- AND HELP HIM OUT!

 

If you think a guy likes you, but he hasn't made a direct move, suggest something like "We should meet for coffee some time," "We should go for a run some time", "We should go to the library some time" -- whatever it is that you have in common. (I'm assuming you must have some things in common, since you seem to talk to each other a lot). If you're talking about a movie, say "Oh, I want to see that!" Then when she says, "So do I!", you say, "When should we go?"

 

The "We should _____ some time" is one of a woman's most powerful weapons. It lets her take control of the situation while still letting the guy THINK he's in charge.

 

Now go get him, dammit!

 

I've stated my age on here dozens of times at least, didn't think to do it again, sorry!

 

And, if the chance arises, I will probably just do that! I know that multiple times coworkers are always going out for drinks after work, or people get together outside of work, so if I hear anything along those lines, I might just ask him if he wants to join.

[Lilmisus]

I'm just gonna tell you what you want to hear.

 

Don't ask him out, wait for him to ask you out... And if he doesn't, what do you care? You're not desperate for a boyfriend remember?

 

This made me laugh.

 

I want to hear peoples opinions, not just for my case scenario, but their personal experiences as well. And just because I'm not desperate for a boyfriend, doesn't mean I don't really wanna date the guy

[collegeguy_24]

There is nothing wrong with a girl asking out a guy. Out of my three relationships that I have had, 2 have asked me out, one I asked out myself.

 

A lot of guys are nervous about approaching women, whether its rejection anxiety and stuff like that, so they won't even bother because they are afraid. Sometimes the woman need to take the initiate and not rely on the guy to do everything.

[collegeguy_24]

Nobody cares what you have to say WayneBrady, you've never been in a relationship, you've never been on a date, you never even talked to a woman in person thats not family. Leave this website for people who actually have experience and can form their own opinions based on experience, not on illusions and conjecture.

[collegeguy_24]

We reply to your posts for several reasons:

 

1: Good stress releiever, if we feel the need to vent, your a good target especially considering your always wrong.

 

2: Proof that ignorance and arrogance in the world will get you no where, and we don't have to look past you to see that.

 

3: Just by watching you rant about things you have no experienced with, things you know nothing about, makes people like me feel a little bit better because we know that we did better then you, and always will do better then you.

 

To be honest, your more of a side show then anything, and your posts and rambling provide me with many hours of entertainment, and I can always say, that no matter how bad life gets, at least I'm not Wayne Brady.

[collegeguy_24]

If I'm wrong then most women on this forum is also wrong since I get all my ideas from them.

 

 

 

With women maybe, but I'm only 18. Career wise? I'm currently reading to become a welder and welders are in high demand(atleast where I live), and here they usually earn $3000 per month so thats decent.

 

I know you are gonna start claiming you are smarter or more accomplished than me because you go to college(judging by your username)... But hey I don't care, I'm perfectley content with being a blue collar working class guy.

 

Did better than me You know so little about me or my life.

 

And yet, when pressed you can't bring forth any evidence from the women on this forum to support your theories, how interesting.

 

and yes, by doing better then you, I met with women, I don't care what you in your professional life with your job or whatnot. Want to be a welder, go right ahead, not my concern, my concern is this forum, not your job.

[Darren Taylor]

There's nothing wrong with it. If a guys is secure with his sexuality and himself as a person, there's nothing to fear or be ashamed of by having the woman make the first move.

[collegeguy_24]

Evidence? How about this thread? The OP is hesitant about asking a guy out and would rather not do it = proves my point

 

 

 

Ok.

 

My point was that you don't know anything about me.

 

Unlike you, I never make things personal. Have you ever seen me personally offend anyone here? No, because I haven't. I'm usually just amused but when people(such as yourself) starts to pretend that you know anything about my real life... I'm more pissed instead of amused.

 

The OP is asking because of the social norms that say men should ask and pursue women. Its been like that for several hundred, even thousand years. Its only recently that women have had the power to ask, they just don't know how to use that power yet.

 

and yes, you have personally offended people. You have a lot of posts, go back and read some of them, you have attacked and offended people before. I wouldn't be such a dick to you if you hadn't.

[notuneak]

I've asked guys out before. But I make it more "not a date" kind of thing. When chatting, I might say "I'm going the blah, blah, blah Saturday. You should come too." It's an indirect way to see if they are interested.

[Lilmisus]

Evidence? How about this thread? The OP is hesitant about asking a guy out and would rather not do it = proves my point

 

 

You take what facts I gave, and I think you made the wrong judgment call from them.

 

The thing is this: I would feel zero resentment towards him if I was the one that asked him out on the first date. That is...if he gave equal or more energy into the dating process that I did afterward.

 

My reason for not wanting to ask him out (as I stated) is because I was the pursuer in my last relationship. I asked him out all the time, I arranged the time to meet, I paid for most of the dates, and I was the one who was trying to take the relationship to the next level. At the beginning, it was lots of fun, to just be the one to say "hey, I'm free tomorrow, let's grab lunch!" I felt in control, and it made me happy to hear him say "yes" all the time. But..once in the relationship, it hurt more than anything to still be the only one to be doing the asking, and for him to just go with it and say yes when I asked..then bail on me on the last minute for one reason or another.

 

If I could feel guaranteed that I wouldn't be in a relationship with this guy like I was in my last relationship, and that it would be 50/50 responsibility when it came to working on the relationship, or that he would try to pursue me more after the initial asking him out, then I would go for it without a second thought. I'd call him up and ask him out right now if I thought that things would be different this time around. But, I refuse to set myself up like I did in my last relationship, ever again. I was in love, and he was barely in like apparently. His feelings were so small for me that when his current girlfriend started talking and flirting with him while we were together, that it was enough to dump me for her.

 

So my only reason is that I don't want to get hurt like I did last time, again. It's the whole "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me" type thing.

[dispatch3d]

 

When I asked my one male friend about this, who has had his current girlfriend for almost two years and is a complete lady's man, he said that he would put a girl in her place if she asked him out since he feels that's a whore thing to do.

 

he sounds like a bit of a dick then

 

My brothers apparently are all the same way, as are a few other guys I know, since I asked them too. Some dudes though seem to have no issue with it, and actually enjoy a girl asking them out.

 

people have different opinions, go figure ;-).

 

I had no issue asking my ex out on dates before we started dating last year, and insisted on paying for a fair share of the dates we went on. But now, after realizing just how little I meant to him, I'm rethinking the whole approach and am deciding not to do it anymore, though many are telling me that there's no issue with it and are trying to encourage me to ask out the guy that I like. I now feel that I want a guy who is willing to pursue me and who really wants to be with me, and who is willing to go out of his way to ask me out, rather than me doing all the pursuing like I ended up doing before.

 

The fact your ex is probably pissed at you (otherwise you'd be dating) may skew his view a bit, don't you think? I don't know the situation surrounding you two breaking up (it's alright you don't need to tell me, no really you don't ), but I don't think I'd keep taking his opinions on things. Afterall, you two didn't get along.

 

I'm just wondering, how do you guys feel about it when and if a girl asks you out? Do you feel "honored"? Insulted? Would you say yes because you feel pressured into it, not because you actually wanted to go out with her? Or would it not make a difference to you, who asks the person out, as long as it's asked?

 

And girls, would or have you asked a guy out on a date? How did it turn out, or make you feel? Did it make for a lasting and meaningful relationship or did you feel the way I did and long for more initiative and drive from him in the dating process?

 

Are you okay with asking them out? If you are, then why not. It's one way to get more dates, isn't it? I'm not saying you have to take the lead with every guy - some guys you could choose to let them ask you out. Or you could give subtle hints and see if they pickup on them (lol! haha guys are good at hints/not actually).

 

I don't know. I guess my opinion is why let a few other select opinions sway the way you like to go about things.

[WillSingForFood]

Ive never asked a guy out on a date, and I never would. Let them take control and take the lead! I know plenty of guys who feel insulted when a girl tries to lead the relationship when hes the one that wants to do it. Especially if he has zero issue with self confidence.

[Dust]

In the not so distant past guys actually used to get paid large amounts of money by the family of the daughter they agreed to marry.

 

Flash forward to the current age of so called equality and of course it is ok to ask out a guy. The fact is you really don’t have to. If you have enough balls (figuratively speaking) to just let a guy know you like him (something as lame as a paper note saying “ur cute”) he really has every reason in the world to ask you out. Women are typically a lot more afraid of rejection then men and get away with playing the role of either “accepting” or more likely “rejecting.”

 

You are likely to face rejection when you take the active role in perusing, just ask any guy, but it will also up your chances of getting into a relationship. You will not be labeled a slut just for asking guys out unless you get a reputation for sleeping with lots of people.

[Lilmisus]

In the not so distant past guys actually used to get paid large amounts of money by the family of the daughter they agreed to marry.

 

Flash forward to the current age of so called equality and of course it is ok to ask out a guy. The fact is you really don’t have to. If you have enough balls (figuratively speaking) to just let a guy know you like him (something as lame as a paper note saying “ur cute”) he really has every reason in the world to ask you out. Women are typically a lot more afraid of rejection then men and get away with playing the role of either “accepting” or more likely “rejecting.”

 

You are likely to face rejection when you take the active role in perusing, just ask any guy, but it will also up your chances of getting into a relationship. You will not be labeled a slut just for asking guys out unless you get a reputation for sleeping with lots of people.

 

That's one thing that's very true with me: I'm definitely a whole lot more afraid of rejection than guys (and probably most girls are) Don't know what I'm so scared about, all I know that I'm scared.

[musemaj11]

My brothers apparently are all the same way, as are a few other guys I know, since I asked them too.

Didnt you once say that a brother of yours likes aggressive women?

 

At least keep your story straight you know ...

[JMacGirl26]

Lots of people keep telling me "This is the 21st century! Women should be able to ask men out on dates just as much as men as women out on them!" Others..not so much.

 

When I asked my one male friend about this, who has had his current girlfriend for almost two years and is a complete lady's man, he said that he would put a girl in her place if she asked him out since he feels that's a whore thing to do. My brothers apparently are all the same way, as are a few other guys I know, since I asked them too. Some dudes though seem to have no issue with it, and actually enjoy a girl asking them out.

 

I had no issue asking my ex out on dates before we started dating last year, and insisted on paying for a fair share of the dates we went on. But now, after realizing just how little I meant to him, I'm rethinking the whole approach and am deciding not to do it anymore, though many are telling me that there's no issue with it and are trying to encourage me to ask out the guy that I like. I now feel that I want a guy who is willing to pursue me and who really wants to be with me, and who is willing to go out of his way to ask me out, rather than me doing all the pursuing like I ended up doing before.

 

I'm just wondering, how do you guys feel about it when and if a girl asks you out? Do you feel "honored"? Insulted? Would you say yes because you feel pressured into it, not because you actually wanted to go out with her? Or would it not make a difference to you, who asks the person out, as long as it's asked?

 

And girls, would or have you asked a guy out on a date? How did it turn out, or make you feel? Did it make for a lasting and meaningful relationship or did you feel the way I did and long for more initiative and drive from him in the dating process?

 

I think it's completely fine to ask a man out! That is flattering to some men and especially for those who are shy and don't have the courage or are intimidated by a pretty woman. It's better to ask him out then sit and wait for him to do it. And if you don't, you might miss your opportunity to go out with a great guy.