She dumped me 2 weeks after our trip to Europe

[MrDestiny]

Mary, whom I met on match.com, seemed to be a great match. We are the same age (50+) with similar social and educational backgrounds. She is quite attractive, esp. for her age and she is in good shape with a petite, slender body. I really enjoyed sex with her and she seemed to enjoy it a lot too.

 

But it wasn't just sex that was good. We had similar tastes in music, movies, food, TV and lots of things. She was the opposite of my former girlfriend in most ways--sane, sober, financially secure (she's a retired government employee)...lots of good qualities. We dated mostly on the weekends and made no plans to move in together or get married, which was fine with me especially after my experience with my gold digger ex girlfriend. She has been married and divorced twice (both bad experiences) and she has two sons (from her first marriage), one a sophomore in college and living away from home and one a 17-year-old junior in high school living at home. She shares the care of her elderly mother with a sister who lives nearby.

 

I liked Mary so much that I invited her on a trip to Spain. Even though we had only spent one night together (because of her younger son being home most nights), I figured that we were so compatible in many ways that there was little risk in traveling together for 8 nights in Spain. She has never traveled outside the US, but she seemed very interested in going to Spain with me since she knew I speak the language and know the country very well. I planned a great trip (Madrid, Barcelona and Cataluña--all places I know well) and we took off March 4, returning on March 13. As far as I could tell, everything went great. She seemed to be having a good time and the trip came off almost exactly as I planned it. She was a good travel companion--we never even had a disagreement (at least I thought we didn't).

 

However, when we got back, she started giving me the cold shoulder. At first I thought that we just needed a break from each other after being together all the time for 9 days. We went almost two weeks without seeing each other. Each time I spoke with her she seemed to be too busy to see me. Finally, 2 weeks after we got back she had to go out with me because I had bought tickets to a show ($70 each) in a nearby city. I was thinking about asking her if something was wrong but she seemed fine when we went out to eat. We enjoyed the show a lot and I took her home. She asked me to come in though it seemed like she didn't mean it. I got a bad vibe but I decided not to press the issue that night.

 

The next morning, a Sunday, it was a beautiful clear early spring day so I called her early to ask her if she wanted to take a drive or do something. No answer on her cell phone which is usually right at hand for her, as with most women. Three hours later she calls me back and says she went to church, not an every week practice for her. She deflected my suggestion to get together with the excuse of needing to take her 17 year old son shopping. I could tell she didn't want to see me and I pressed the issue. Finally she admits that she needs to tell me that her feelings towards me have changed.

 

I could not imagine what had happened to cause this but she proceeds to explain that she was very mad at me because during the trip I would get up once each night and turned on a light next to the bed so that I could find my way to the bathroom without breaking a leg (which would not have been good while we were in Spain). She told me that the first time I did this she asked me not to do it and I ignored her so I was very inconsiderate. I was flabbergasted to learn that she was so upset about such a seemingly trivial thing. She never got angry about it. But she concluded that this was a "red flag" about me and since she had had two really bad marriages she didn't want to risk staying with someone who so inconsiderate. I was speechless. I told her that I didn't believe that she was telling me the real reason but I couldn't bring myself to discuss things by phone. I was too upset. But I got the message--we were through. She had made that clear by the way she ignored me ever since we came back.

 

The whole thing has been bewildering to me. While she was ignoring me I gave some thought to what might be wrong with our relationship. My own conclusion was quite different from hers. I believe the real reason was her younger son. I didn't think there was any point in discussing this, but I wanted her to know how I felt, so I wrote her a post breakup email.

 

Here it is:

 

Dear Mary,

 

I don't know whether you will bother to read this email, but I am writing it anyway, if only because it will make me feel better to write down my thoughts.

 

I guess that I was not that surprised when you broke up with me. I had seen it coming since we returned from Spain and, with hindsight, I can see that you had been planning to do this for awhile now. Frankly, it would have been better for you to back out of the trip before we left. I would have lost some money, but I feel that the money that I spent on this trip has all been wasted now anyway. You probably feel the same. It also would have been more much considerate of you to do it in person, rather than over the phone. Phone break-ups are a low blow in the world of relationships.

 

You took me completely by surprise when you explained the supposed reasons for our breakup. Of course, I don't believe that you broke up with me because I turned on the light once each night that so that I wouldn't break my ankle while stumbling to the bathroom. If I made you so angry by doing that, then you really need to work on your communication skills and learn how to express your anger in a more forthright manner. Moreover, if you are so sensitive to such a small inconvenience, then maybe you shouldn't be sleeping with any man. I honestly didn't realize that this was such a big issue for you.

 

However, as I said, I don't believe that the problems you had sleeping with me were the root cause of you breaking up with me.

 

I think there were a number of reasons, but I would start with the issue of your children, especially Josh. It's always a difficult thing for a divorced woman with children to introduce a new romantic partner into her life and that of her family. I think that's especially true of a mother with one or more sons. In most cases, a son, especially one that still lives at home, is going to have a very hard time accepting that mom has a boyfriend. It's clear to me now that Josh did not like and accept me and he certainly did not approve of you going to Spain with me. I realized that it was very important for you to stay in touch with Josh while we were gone and I made it a top priority to make sure that you could do so. In hindsight, I think it would have been a good exercise for both of you to go for a week, just once, without being in constant touch with each other.

 

Josh is basically a good kid, but you have raised him to be a classic "momma's boy." He can't tie his own shoes without texting you to ask for directions on how to do it. He is a 17-year old baby who has a difficult road ahead if he is ever to grow up to be a man. I know you think that hovering over him 24/7 shows how much you love him, but at some point he needs to leave the nest and try to fly on his own. Also, I am sure that he is not as innocent and sweet as you imagine him to be. If, as you told me, all the guys on the soccer team are known to smoke dope, then I am sure that Josh is doing it too. It's just a question of whether he does it once a month, once a week or once (or more) each day.

 

I also think that you had an issue with the fact that I take medication for depression. Maybe I should have told you that earlier in our relationship, but I don't consider it to be that important. I take a very small dose of a traditional anti-depressant drug and I see my psychiatrist every six months for 30 minutes at a time just for a brief medication check-up. Though I will occasionally feel a blue mood come over me (the last few days, for example), depression is not a problem for me. However, I think for you it is one of those "red flags" that mentioned about me.

 

You really hurt my feelings when you compared me to your two ex-husbands, one an abusive alcoholic and neglectful father, and the other a convicted white collar criminal. I think you have a lot of anger towards men in general because of your bad experiences with those men. You eventually find fault with any man and project you general anger on to him under some silly pretext.

 

I'm sure that you had lots of other complaints about me, but since you never really talked to me with real frankness and openness, I am left to wonder what other terrible faults I had in your eyes. I never felt any real affection, warmth and love from you. That made it hard for me to extend any to you.

 

I'm very sorry that our relationship did not work out. I thought that we very compatible in many ways and I was so happy to find a woman like you who seemed to have so many good qualities. I will try to remember the good times that we had together and forget the bitterness and embarrassment (especially with respect to my friends in Spain) that I feel about the sudden end of our relationship.

 

There's no need for you to write back or communicate with me any further. I wish you and your family the best. I am sorry that I turned out not to be the man that you were looking for.

 

Sincerely,

 

Bill

[Chi townD]

Ummm...WOW! okay....so you insult her about her past relationships and you pretty much called her teenager a retarded mamma's boy dopehead....yeah, I'm sure you're pissed about spend money on her for the trip to Spain, but all in all you did get to travel with and attractive woman...Yeah, I'm pretty sure you're never gonna hear from her again.

[MrDestiny]

Ummm...WOW! okay....so you insult her about her past relationships...

 

She's the one who brought up her previous husbands when she was breaking up with me. One was an alcoholic who abused her verbally. The other married her because he thought he could get access to her money for his business. He was later convicted of a felony. Compared to them and by any standard, I am a very nice guy. I didn't appreciate being told by her that she was worried about me because of her previous bad experiences. I'm not perfect (I do have to get up once a night to pee, after all) but compared to her two husbands, I'm an angel.

 

And her youngest son is definitely a momma's boy. I never said anything about him to her before, but she burned her bridges with me, so I did the same to her. If she doesn't help that boy grow up to be a man, he will have problems with women down the road.

Edited April 22, 2011 by MrDestiny

[suddendumpee]

Saying absolutely NOTHING to her says the most. Her "reward" should be seeing that you don't NEED her, and that you are just fine without her (even if you aren't right now). She just dumped you. The last think this wants to hear is your pitiful, whiny, and condescending email. You want her to look back at things in a positive light. Reading this message will only justify her actions.

[MrDestiny]

Saying absolutely NOTHING to her says the most...

 

I guess you're right. I probably shouldn't have sent it though it felt good to write down my feelings. As soon as I sent it, I started NC and I will maintain it forever. It worked well for me before--I've been NC with my previous girlfriend for 9 months despite her contacting me 4 times. It's very hard at first but as the song says, I get a little bit stronger everyday.

[Chi townD]

She's the one who brought up her previous husbands when she was breaking up with me. One was an alcoholic who abused her verbally. The other married her because he thought he could get access to her money for his business. He was later convicted of a felony. Compared to them and by any standard, I am a very nice guy. I didn't appreciate being told by her that she was worried about me because of her previous bad experiences. I'm not perfect (I do have to get up once a night to pee, after all) but compared to her two husbands, I'm an angel.

 

And her youngest son is definitely a momma's boy. I never said anything about him to her before, but she burned her bridges with me, so I did the same to her. If she doesn't help that boy grow up to be a man, he will have problems with women down the road.

 

 

Yeah, but you're reminding her on her poor choices of men! No woman wants to be reminded of that. Now she add you to the list.

[MrDestiny]

Now she add you to the list.

 

She had already done that before I sent the email when she mentioned them while she was breaking up with me...which is what ticked me off. She will do it to the next poor devil too, no matter what he's like.

[whichwayisup]

Hmm, I thought the letter was good. You were honest and called her on her crap. I hope she reads it and realizes she needs to work on herself. And that she let a pretty cool guy go!

 

HER LOSS.

[Chi townD]

Okay whichwayisup, I can agree to a point, there was nothing wrong with sending a letter. Just, my opinion, I thought it could have been done with a little more tact. I've got nothing against you Mr. Destiny. I mean you put it all out there, but very bluntly. Which now that I think about it. Who cares, not like you're trying to get her back or anything....

[fltc]

I doubt she'll respond but if she does, I hope you'll share with us, it might be a classic!

[johan]

People who are criticizing you for what you wrote are forgetting one thing: what Mary thinks is completely irrelevant. That message was for Bill. At least he didn't egg her front door.

 

I would have written it, but I wouldn't have sent it. But that's me. Sending it doesn't hurt anything. Except, Bill, you know it was out of anger and you wanted to hurt her with your words. And maybe that was out of a need for revenge? It didn't do much harm, but indulging those feelings won't really help you.

 

If she were to miraculously apply the lessons learned from your email, it will only be to the benefit of the next guy.

 

Anyway, I'm painfully aware of what it feels like to have a woman turn from goddess to demon for no real reason. No explanation she offers will ever make it make sense. Be glad you had what you had with her. Maybe a relationship that lasts for weeks or months is the most you should really expect anyway. So line up the next one and maybe make a game out of predicting how and when it will derail and which of you will do it.

[Am4Real]

The experienced posters on this forum would tell you to write it "for you" but don't send it. Sending it might feel good now, however when the next really great woman comes along for you you'll look back at this one and likely snicker; if you read your words whenever that time comes around for you, you'll probably be embarrassed by what you wrote, seeing the entire letter as trivial, just the way you saw her complaining about you turning on the light to go "pee".

[MrDestiny]

Thanks, everyone, for you comments and insights.

 

With hindsight, maybe I should have written the email but not sent it to her. I do think she will use it merely to confirm in her own mind (and probably with her female friends) that I'm just another jerk of a guy in her life.

 

On the other hand, I've never been so angry in my whole life about a breakup. Sometimes you just have to let the anger out, especially when there are no long term consequences. Like someone said, I'm not trying to win her back, so what does it matter? I'll probably never see or hear from her again.

 

I'm not prone to anger, though. For example, I occasionally get angry about something at work, but I never let it show. I've learned that you have to get along with the people with whom you work (you can't break up with them!) and the best way to do that is to maintain a calm demeanor all the time.

 

I'm pretty sure that she won't respond to my email, but if by some chance she does, I'll post her response here.

 

I think I'll take a break for awhile from having a girlfriend. But I'm not giving up on women. I've had some great relationships in the past and I even stay in touch with a few past girlfriends. I'm sure I'll find another one somewhere down the road. In the meantime, though, I plan to take my next vacation alone.

 

Thanks again for your comments.