Does he even deserve a second chance?

[Tasha49]

I type so much, I will try to keep this short but I would REALLY appreciate some feedback and for you guys to hear my story out. The guy I have been seeing (not officially) for the last year has finally just asked me out. We started as FWB (have a few threads about the details) and finally he has told me he loves me as well. BUT... here is the unfortunate reason why he finally asked me out and told me he loves me:

 

I am a housekeeper at a hotel. He is a front desk attendant. We hired a new housekeeper. Let's call her hobag.

 

From the very moment I met her I disliked her. I never dislike ANYone. I also just got a bad vibe out of nowhere. That never happens. It was an instant bad feeling in my gut about her. Well... i come to find the guy i have been with asked for her number. I hated this. Very much. Why would he want it? She is pretty too. I got really paranoid and insecure. i told him that it makes me upset and that he shouldn't have asked for her number. I also felt like I had no right to care because we aren't technically committed to one another because he wasn't ready. I told him that I have a bad feeling something is going to happen with them. Dumb I know.

 

So about a week after all of this his buddy invites us to a bbq. My guy of course invites hobag. I told him I was disappointed in him since he knows how I feel about her and that I don't trust them together. He said he'd behave. Boy was He wrong...

 

The entire night he was all over her and she was all over him. I even told her about him and I. And she then proceeded to tell me she is highly attracted to him and wanted to hook up with him and asked if I minded. What was I to say? He wasnt mine to take I guess. I was very angry with her. She had two friends with her and they kept disappearing with my guy. I stayed away. Then her friends went home and she stayed. After more flirting (keep in mind they were both very drunk) he told me he was taking her home and that he'd come back for me. She lived 20 minutes away and me 30. That didnt add up. Why didnt he take me too? It made no sense. I put two and two together. They wanted to be alone. I was so hurt by him. I know they did something. I told him not to bother coming back for me and i would leave in the morning (he was my ride but i got one from a co-worker).

 

The next day at work he called me twice. I ignored both. Then he sent me a text telling me to please call him back. I did not respond. I was so mad and hurt. Then he came to work before his shift and into the laundry room where I was. I didnt even look at him and told him to leave me alone. He started to cry and beg me to talk. I told him I am done and I don't wanna see him anymore. He was shaking and told me he was so sorry and then told me he loves me (first time he ever said it). I told him it's not good enough. Then he said he wants to be with me. I told him no. He begged me to forgive him. He told me it took for this to happen to realize he really loved me. I asked why he did that to me and he told me they didn't do anything and he dropped her off. I told him I wasn't dumb and told him he was lying. Then I ignored him.

 

The next day i cooled down and we agreed to meet at his place to talk. I went to throw my gum away and there was a used condom wrapper on top. We don't use them because I am on BC... what a liar he was. I walked out and he came after me. He said it was expired so he threw it away. My ass. If it was expires he wouldn't have needed to take a condom out of the wrapper. I'm not dumb! Then he got mad at me and told me I shouldn't have gone looking. I was not snooping! He tried taking the light off himself and onto me. I had so many signs that led to them having sex and he denied them all still.

 

I don't know what to do. Technically he didn't cheat. He also told me he needs time to think about the committing now. I was upset that he changed his mind. I think he said he'd commit out of guilt a d fear of losing me. I know he loves me. But he still needs to think about committing.

 

Another time about 6 months ago he got drunk at a party with me and took another girl into his bedroom for 45 minutes with the door locked. With me in the house! That REALLY hurt. And I always wonder what else he has done at his parties when he doesn't invite me. He has done so many things to me where I forgave him. I have been there with him througn it all.

 

So should I forgive him and be with him now? He sounds like he wants to commit but he is still afraid because of his past 6 year relationship. I just don't know. I told him I'd give him two days to think about it. I shouldn't even give him a chance but I love him =\

[TaraMaiden]

You need 2 days to think about this?

 

The answer should be glaringly obvious!

 

The answer to your thread question is "No, he doesn't."

 

you don't love him. You're drawn to the bad boy image and the attractive possibility that he might just change for you.

 

Well get this - he won't.

 

You're not a commitment, you're a conquest-in-waiting.

The more you run, the more he will chase. The reward will be to get you where he wants you.

As another notch in his belt.

 

Walk away and leave him to his mess.

Really, trust me.

[Johnny85]

I agree with Tara.

[dreamingoftigers]

I agree completely.

[Tasha49]

Tara thank you for the reply and advice. That is what everyone is telling me.

 

But i do love him. I have for a long time. If I didn't then I would have walked away long ago. Because this is a bunch of crap. I do not like bad boys. I never have. I like the sweet and caring guys. That is how he started off. Now he hurts me.

 

I want to think giving him yet another chance will be a good idea. I have many doubts, but I would hate to walk away now after how hard I've tried to wait until he finally wants to commit. I am so torn. I know I deserve better but what if he has changed?

[dreamingoftigers]

It isn't like you will never fall in love ever again if this guy gets hit by a cement truck tomorrow.

 

It also sounds like your "love template" gets stuck on a guy that isn't healthy. Seriously examine that.

 

This guy is as ready for committment as he is ready for a kick in the nuts.

 

He may say otherwise but never, ever go for a partner whose actions do not line up with their words, and don't be one either.

 

You work with him right? I would even consider switching jobs.

[Rose T]

Tara thank you for the reply and advice. That is what everyone is telling me.

 

But i do love him. I have for a long time. If I didn't then I would have walked away long ago. Because this is a bunch of crap. I do not like bad boys. I never have. I like the sweet and caring guys. That is how he started off. Now he hurts me.

 

I want to think giving him yet another chance will be a good idea. I have many doubts, but I would hate to walk away now after how hard I've tried to wait until he finally wants to commit. I am so torn. I know I deserve better but what if he has changed?

 

Hi Tasha, how awful this must have been for you - I can hear that you care deeply about this person. I don't think that you can turn this situation into a healthy relationship now, though. I'm really sorry. I hope that doesn't sound harsh but I am making the most of the anonymity of the internet to be completely honest with you.

 

I have a suggestion: don't ever accept FWB as an arrangement in the future unless you are a really cool customer and can seperate your feelings from your physical actions.

 

If someone tells you they're not ready for commitment, step back. You'll only get hurt otherwise. The best thing you can do for yourself now is tell this guy that you and him are taking a break. Don't wait for him to make a decision - take control now.

 

By the way, you had a relationship with this guy, a real relationship in which you clearly fell for him, so don't let anyone - most of all him - tell you that it doesn't count because it was a FWB. That's insanity. The relationship became a fact once you started seeing each other regularly. Denying you the right to feel hurt, or have an opinion about his behaviour, is close to abuse.

 

Either way, your feelings have been deeply hurt and if this was a regular relationship you know that it would be time to kick him to the curb. Make next month better ALREADY by drawing a line under the situation and stepping back. We all put time and effort into relationships but that is not a reason to keep going. At some point you have to stop. It may take time but please break this habit. It's not good for you and you will not get any happier in the future by spending time with this man. Now here's an internet hug so go and start believing that you deserve a LOT better.

[Tasha49]

Rose and dreaming of tigers - you are both so right. I know he is not good for me. And I know I will find better out there. But for some STUPID reason I am not letting myself accept loss. I know I need to kick his a** to the curb and waste no words, energy and time on him... but I have no idea why I want to test an actual relationship out with him. I told him it is all or nothing with me. That I will not tolerate this in-between ****. He's either officially with me or without me. And I know him like the back of my hand. I can see that he wants to commit, the thought of losing me forever scares him. I can see it in his eyes.

 

If I give him one more chance and he does ANYthing untrustworthy again, well then I can say, "Hey, I tried. F*** off."

 

But that is only a maybe. I need to seriously think about this. Ask him why the hell I should trust him now. And if he won't admit they had sex I am not even going to bother with it if he's going to keep lying to me when I even have evidence.

[dreamingoftigers]

Rose and dreaming of tigers - you are both so right. I know he is not good for me. And I know I will find better out there. But for some STUPID reason I am not letting myself accept loss. I know I need to kick his a** to the curb and waste no words, energy and time on him... but I have no idea why I want to test an actual relationship out with him. I told him it is all or nothing with me. That I will not tolerate this in-between ****. He's either officially with me or without me. And I know him like the back of my hand. I can see that he wants to commit, the thought of losing me forever scares him. I can see it in his eyes.

 

If I give him one more chance and he does ANYthing untrustworthy again, well then I can say, "Hey, I tried. F*** off."

 

But that is only a maybe. I need to seriously think about this. Ask him why the hell I should trust him now. And if he won't admit they had sex I am not even going to bother with it if he's going to keep lying to me when I even have evidence.

 

Don't bother asking: he will either come up with a reason or a promise that you want to believe and it will be your ticket to more misery OR he will come up with a reason or a promise that you won't believe, it will piss you off, he will act hurt and you will feel bad and then give him another chance OR he will essentially tell you to **** off making you think that he has a right to feel upset and you will pursue him until you both feel better, starting the cycle all over again.

 

Yo, you aren't married to the King of Douche. You aren't.

 

It is entirely possible that he might even want to commit but guess what? You don't want a "commitment" from a guy that can't manage his own dick! You don't want a commitment from the guy who can't bs honest with where his dick has been in the last 24 hours.

 

What you want is for this guy and his wayward dick to can as far as possible from your limbic system so that you have half a rat's chance of finding someone you like that can manage his dick and let you know what wonderful pants it has been staying in.

 

Look girl, right at this very moment you are getting a chance to see what some if us didn't early on. You know right now that this guy dies not want one woman and will LIE to you. Because he is not able to reconcile in HIMSELF what he wants. What makes you so sure you know what he wants when he isn't sure and he isn't showing you?

 

This is about you wanting him to want you and you alone, and yes he will placate you. That's what these guys do, they placate because they don't have their own **** sorted.

 

If you want to see what marriage and family looks like with this guy, then Loveshack is your personal Crystal Ball.... Read through my threads and enjoy.

 

If this post sounds harsh, sorry girl but you can't save this dude. You cannot love him enough or drop down far enough to turn this guy from a frog to a prince. the only way this guy is going to be your equal is if you learn to slither around on your belly.

 

This doesn't mean that he is a "bad guy" it means that he has lying and intimacy issues that take YEARS to work out before he is ready for any kind if real relationship.

 

And you my dear have done reading to do, I suggest: the New Codependency.

 

Work on your hurt feelings before worrying about trying to live him into a commitment that he is NOWHERE near ready for.

 

I am not a bitch, I am not. But it is not worth the misery you are willing to follow this guy through. He will not appreciate you for it, in fact he will resent you. That's the nature of the beast. Best you learn that now.

 

Sorry if it sounds harsh, but a kind soul today instructed me in the fine art of delivering a bucket of cold water.

[TaraMaiden]

tasha49: there isn't one person here who has told you to 'stick with it gurl, keep going, this guy's a diamond!"

 

This guy's a jerk.

This guy's a player.

This guy's a born cheater.

This guy's a commitment-phobe and guaranteed - GUARANTEED - if you think your heart's breaking now, give into him and give him a chance - and then you'll find out what true, deep despair and devastation really feels like.

 

While you're wasting your time on this loser, you're letting life pass you by.

 

But hell, sure...if you want to stay stuck in this drama, then go right ahead.

I'll quit nagging, let you get on with it, and be waiting a few weeks down the line, for when you come back on and tell us how right we all were.

 

We've been there.

We've done it.

We've lived the nightmare.

 

And you knew right from the start that this wasn't a good thing to pursue, or else....

 

Well, why did you come on and ask in the first place?

You knew going for this would be insanity.

you just wanted confirmation and validation.

 

Well, you've got it.

So crush it now - before it crushes you.

[Tasha49]

Thank you so much everyone. You are all right but I guess I do not want to accept that I have to give up after so much waiting.

 

This happened sunday. It is now Friday and we went to lunch and that is when he STILL said he needs time to think of whether or not he wants to be with me. I told him that I will give him no more time and that I give up waiting. Funny how he ****** that girl and is the one who has to think about being with ME opposed to me having to think about being witj HIM.

 

Ridiculous =\

[TaraMaiden]

It is.

 

Read the Caliguy No Contact Guide (my signature).

 

It's actually for those who have been dumped - but I think it still applies to you, because in a way, that's exactly what he's done by being the phukkwit jerk he is.

he's told you that you hold no importance for him other than having someone waiting in the wings if ever he finds himself at a loose end and his dick has nobody else to aim for.

 

Please don't be that stand-by.

You deserve to be a priority, not an option.

 

Caliguy also worked with his ex GF. he saw her every day and had to interact with her, as work demanded.

 

Well, you do the same.

Anything to do with your work, or job, engage politely, and discuss whatever needs to be discussed.

if he strays into the personal, just blank him off, ignore the comment or question, and ask whether there's anything else he wants to discuss work-wise, 'or are we done here?'

If he persists, just turn around and walk away.

 

It's the one who cares the least (or gives every appearance of caring least), who controls the most.

 

Give him every single indication that you are utterly indifferent to him, and impervious to his attention.

 

Yes - even if you are screaming inside.

 

I promise you - you'll heal much faster, when you realise that while your heart is true, he's just tossing it around and playing with it.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sweetheart: loveaddicts.org and The New Codependency.

 

The reach you have been willing to do for this guy that you are even exclusive with is pretty telling.