MrStinky Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Hello all! If you've seen the film "The Blair Witch Project" you should get this reference. If not, I will explain. In the movie "The Blair Witch Project" a group of filmmakers venture into the woods to make a film about... you guessed it - The Blair Witch. Now while they are in the woods a bunch of scary things happen but the most intriguing part of the film... *spoiler alert* ...is you NEVER actually see the Blair Witch. And that is why it is so effective. In your mind you manifest the scariest possible version of what she looks like and what she is doing throughout the film. You essentially create the most frighting person (to yourself) and what she is capable of. All in all it is a great film but it got me thinking about breakups and how something I always loved so much about the film relates to the thought of your ex. I am sure we all wonder: Is she/he sleeping with somebody?Is she/he having more fun with somebody?Is she/he enjoying life more?Is she/he happy without me?Has she/he already moved on?Etc, etc, etc We create in our minds thoughts of our ex that are most likely not real. We think of the worst possible scenario and dwell on it. We are wasting our time. If they want us back, they will come back. If they're doing any of the above bullet points - who cares? We are no longer with them. We need to look out for ourselves. We need to make sure WE are happy. They are no longer #1 We are!
loverboy1984 Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 As logical as that sounds I still needed to hear it. Thanks! BTW I hated that movie, it was so stupid.
Tayla Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 True to a point. Never got the concept of putting someone first (unless it was my childrens needs). Maybe as adults we need to equalize and place them on the same level of standards and not above or below. Interesting theory as I have listened to friends share those very thoughts in younger years. Oddly thru growing and detaching from the relations I find a lesser thought of those and more of the thoughts of wishing the other person well in order to get on with life.
radiodarcy Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Hello all! If you've seen the film "The Blair Witch Project" you should get this reference. If not, I will explain. In the movie "The Blair Witch Project" a group of filmmakers venture into the woods to make a film about... you guessed it - The Blair Witch. Now while they are in the woods a bunch of scary things happen but the most intriguing part of the film... *spoiler alert* ...is you NEVER actually see the Blair Witch. And that is why it is so effective. In your mind you manifest the scariest possible version of what she looks like and what she is doing throughout the film. You essentially create the most frighting person (to yourself) and what she is capable of. All in all it is a great film but it got me thinking about breakups and how something I always loved so much about the film relates to the thought of your ex. I am sure we all wonder: Is she/he sleeping with somebody?Is she/he having more fun with somebody?Is she/he enjoying life more?Is she/he happy without me?Has she/he already moved on?Etc, etc, etc We create in our minds thoughts of our ex that are most likely not real. We think of the worst possible scenario and dwell on it. We are wasting our time. If they want us back, they will come back. If they're doing any of the above bullet points - who cares? We are no longer with them. We need to look out for ourselves. We need to make sure WE are happy. They are no longer #1 We are! great analogy! i find myself asking the above questions way too often. but you're right - -whatever they're up to it has nothing to do with us and our healing. this is also a good explanation for why it's so important to stick to NC. NC helps to keep the focus on you and not what your ex is doing. because really, you have no control over that anyway. what you do have control over is you; and making yourself priority #1 - - not your ex.
PegNosePete Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I found that is totally the wrong approach to take. Trying to ignore thoughts is like trying not to think of elephants. What's the first thing you think of? That's right, elephants. Suppressing thoughts by thinking "don't think of X" is impossible. Distracting yourself by thinking of other things works in the short term but doesn't help in the long run. Instead, try to imagine the ex doing all sorts of weird and freaky sh*t with other people as vividly as possible. This will have several effects: Exposure/response. At first it will be very upsetting but you will become accustomed to it, and therefore it will not be so bad the next time. By exposing yourself to upsetting thoughts you diminish the shock and therefore the effect they have on you.Your brain is telling you that you need to think about this. If you ignore the thought or distract yourself, you won't process the thought. Your brain will just pop it up again later. It then seems that you're always having the thought... because you are not processing it.You associate the thought with a negative, upsetting experience. Your brain will learn not to have the thought. See Pavlov's Dog. Anyway I prefer the Bare Wench Project, myself...
radiodarcy Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 I found that is totally the wrong approach to take. Trying to ignore thoughts is like trying not to think of elephants. What's the first thing you think of? That's right, elephants. Suppressing thoughts by thinking "don't think of X" is impossible. Distracting yourself by thinking of other things works in the short term but doesn't help in the long run. Instead, try to imagine the ex doing all sorts of weird and freaky sh*t with other people as vividly as possible. This will have several effects: Exposure/response. At first it will be very upsetting but you will become accustomed to it, and therefore it will not be so bad the next time. By exposing yourself to upsetting thoughts you diminish the shock and therefore the effect they have on you.Your brain is telling you that you need to think about this. If you ignore the thought or distract yourself, you won't process the thought. Your brain will just pop it up again later. It then seems that you're always having the thought... because you are not processing it.You associate the thought with a negative, upsetting experience. Your brain will learn not to have the thought. See Pavlov's Dog. Anyway I prefer the Bare Wench Project, myself... i didnt get the impression that the OP was saying to completely ignore those thoughts. rather, i got the impression that he was suggesting it as a technique to prevent someone from dwelling on them. i have a tendency to get "hung up" on unpleasant thoughts about my ex (particularly those involving him being with someone else) to the point where they drive me mad. i have an overactive imagination when it comes to negative thoughts. where one builds on the other, etc. i have tried letting these thoughts play out in my head - - hoping i would become de-sensitized to them but they only seemed to become more intense. and while going NC has diminished the frequency of these thoughts. they still have a tendency to pop up every few days. which can be very frustrating. i can have three days when i feel great and hardly think about him at all and then three days when he's all i can think about - - i find these thoughts to pop up mostly on the weekends when i'm not distracted by work. so for me - - the OP's advice works. if i can start to see these thoughts as part of an unhelpful thought pattern that is detrimental to my healing, rather than an invasive force that i am unable to fight against, i feel like i have more control over them. if that makes sense...
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