Am I a jerk for NC?

[Mesaboog]

Hey all, I'll try to make this story as short as possible. This lovely girl and I dated for four months. It was a great relationship, and her explanation for the break up was that she's too young to be committed, wants to have fun, and a few other reasons. She was very indecisive about what she wanted for about two weeks. Basically it was the GIGS story.

 

She said she really wanted to be friends. I told her a few times I wasn't sure that I could deal with being friends at the moment. We tried for a week or two, in which she left breadcrumbs and tried to get me to show interest in her. She for the most part wanted a "non-committed" relationship with me. More than just friends.

 

I told her being friends wasn't working out, she got mad and made me feel guilty. We ended up talking a few more days. Then I sent her a letter on fb explaining that I need time to heal then I'd like to try being friends. I blocked her immediately after (for my sake) and intended to have no contact.

 

A few hours later came these texts

O-What did you delete your whole damn account or just block me?

O-And now you're ignoring me...

 

Next day:

O-You know what whatever fine, but that's ****ed up

 

 

Am I really being a jerk by NC? I mean I've explained it to her in a nice way

 

There are more details but I tried to make it short.

[Chi townD]

Dude, you wrote an explaination on why you're going NC, if she's not mature enough to understand what you wrote, that's not your problem. I need to keep reminding yourself that you are in NC to heal, NOT to punish her.

[Mesaboog]

Here's the letter I sent before blocking

 

"I didn't want things to end on a negative note.I do understand now how hard it was for you and that you were confused.

I'm proud that you were able to make the right choice. You are young and should take advantage of it. Have fun, experience

new things, and figure out what you want. I've learned so much from you and I'm extremely grateful for everything.I'm

grateful to have gotten to know such a good person. I need to do what's best for me now and move on to focus on my life.

Let's take some time to heal and hopefully after that we can be friends. Everything will work out the way it's suppose to.

Good luck in everything you do, I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for."

 

If you got that, wouldn't you pretty much assume I'm going to be ignoring you?

[SingVoice]

Wow. Congrats to you for handling the whole thing so maturely. Seriously. You can be proud of that.

 

And you know what? You don't have to worry about how she feels anymore. That's the glory of a breakup...you don't have to consider that persons feelings anymore.

 

She just wants to keep you on the back burner. She wants the intimacy or the attention or whatever...but only until she finds someone else. So you have every right to ignore her. She did what was "best" for her by dumping you...so you are only doing the same thing...what is best for you.

 

Sounds like she just wants the attention though. Continue to ignore her.

[tyler123]

you are my hero of the day on lOVE SHACK- you handled yourself gracefully - and you are in NC - seemingly somewhat relaxed.. great posts by others in regards to confirming he is on the right path and her reaction is not his problem.. I think you just gave me some hope and insight on how i can deal with my issue[

[Mesaboog]

Thanks guys, I was pretty sure I handled it the right way, just needed some reassurance.

 

By the way, we're both girls and somewhere along the line a guy came into the picture. So that pretty much confirms that she wanted me as her safety net while she "explored". With that in mind, I don't feel so guilty about ignoring her for my own sake

[Chi townD]

Opps...sorry about the dude comment...I just assumed.

[Mesaboog]

Opps...sorry about the dude comment...I just assumed.

No worries

[dla0519]

I wish I had the guts to do that. Your email to her was just great! Good luck in NC. I am starting NC today and every minute is hard.

[Mesaboog]

I just now received another text:

O-It takes a stronger person to stay. And this makes you a liar.

 

I think she's referring to when I previously said I didn't want us to become alienated or become strangers (or stop talking). At the time I wanted to try and make being friends work. Now I realize it was my mistake for saying that.

 

Do I reply at all?

[Mesaboog]

I wish I had the guts to do that. Your email to her was just great! Good luck in NC. I am starting NC today and every minute is hard.

Thanks!

It is very difficult at first and still difficult to maintain NC even after weeks. When it gets almost unbearable,just take a step back and remind yourself why NC is the best choice

[Hules]

No you are not a jerk at all, you are looking out for yourself. She decided she didn't want you in her life, thats what she gets. She can't have her cake and eat it too (reject you then demand you stay in her life as a friend).

 

You handled this situation in a very mature manner I give you A- and walked away with your dignity and self-respect intact. Only thing stopping you getting a A+ was that you tried to be here friend for a short period, but otherwise really good, keep up the good work.

[whatdoido1717]

No you are not a jerk at all, you are looking out for yourself. She decided she didn't want you in her life, thats what she gets. She can't have her cake and eat it too (reject you then demand you stay in her life as a friend).

 

You handled this situation in a very mature manner I give you A- and walked away with your dignity and self-respect intact. Only thing stopping you getting a A+ was that you tried to be here friend for a short period, but otherwise really good, keep up the good work.

 

You are not a jerk, you are doing the right thing for yourself. Don't feel bad.

 

...and if I were to be graded on my situation it would most likely be an F. You are in a much better spot. Well done on your maturity.

[Trovador]

Sorry to disagree, but I don't think NC is the most mature thing to do after a romantical separation, in fact, as helpful as it is, is the most childish act people can do...

 

What about the following?:

 

"Look, I appreciate you a lot, I really do, and despite you are a special person and worth of keeping you in my life, I can't have a relationship with you... given that you are so interesting and a challenge to me, it's only human that I want to be with you on a friendly basis, I don't want any or more friends, I want you as my friend, maybe I learn a lot from you about life or about myself, maybe you are really brilliant and funny, maybe you are the only person that understand me and I can understand... we tried to have something but like millions of relationships it failed, not because we didn't try or want, but because something happened... but I still think you are really different and I'd like you, at least during some time while we learnt more about us, to have you near me... Like you, I wasn't a bad person, we had bad moments, but I never wanted to hurt you and I always wanted you to success in life, the same as you did concerning myself... I could also go away but I choose to be with you... doesn't that mean something to you?...

 

Do you think I deserve to be ignored? Was I so much a jerk to be rejected by you now? What I did when breaking up with you was human, what you are doing is everything but that... I see now that you are but a child and it pains me that I dealed all this time with an infant..."

 

I am not saying this is what your ex feels or felt about you, all I am saying is that I believe that when we refuse a friendship after a b/u we are being selfish and immature... "eye for an eye, you don't want me, I don't want you..." We go, if you will, the easy way...

 

This was what my ex said, btw, and so I stayed around for a while, trying to pull the infamous vanishing act, it didn't work out so I went NC all the way, so you see, I am as immature like anyone else...

 

 

I am not saying you should break NC or try to be friends with her, all I want is to call things by their plain name and stop defining relationships by the same standard...

 

I guess this is more a rant than anything, so sorry for playing Devil Advocacy in your thread, just remember that you have all the right in the world to protect yourself, as they say, all is valid in love and war...

 

I wish you well, I really do...

[Hules]

Sorry to disagree, but I don't think NC is the most mature thing to do after a romantical separation, in fact, as helpful as it is, is the most childish act people can do...

 

What about the following?:

 

"Look, I appreciate you a lot, I really do, and despite you are a special person and worth of keeping you in my life, I can't have a relationship with you... given that you are so interesting and a challenge to me, it's only human that I want to be with you on a friendly basis, I don't want any or more friends, I want you as my friend, maybe I learn a lot from you about life or about myself, maybe you are really brilliant and funny, maybe you are the only person that understand me and I can understand... we tried to have something but like millions of relationships it failed, not because we didn't try or want, but because something happened... but I still think you are really different and I'd like you, at least during some time while we learnt more about us, to have you near me... Like you, I wasn't a bad person, we had bad moments, but I never wanted to hurt you and I always wanted you to success in life, the same as you did concerning myself... I could also go away but I choose to be with you... doesn't that mean something to you?...

 

Do you think I deserve to be ignored? Was I so much a jerk to be rejected by you now? What I did when breaking up with you was human, what you are doing is everything but that... I see now that you are but a child and it pains me that I dealed all this time with an infant..."

 

I am not saying this is what your ex feels or felt about you, all I am saying is that I believe that when we refuse a friendship after a b/u we are being selfish and immature... "eye for an eye, you don't want me, I don't want you..." We go, if you will, the easy way...

 

This was what my ex said, btw, and so I stayed around for a while, trying to pull the infamous vanishing act, it didn't work out so I went NC all the way, so you see, I am as immature like anyone else...

 

 

I am not saying you should break NC or try to be friends with her, all I want is to call things by their plain name and stop defining relationships by the same standard...

 

I guess this is more a rant than anything, so sorry for playing Devil Advocacy in your thread, just remember that you have all the right in the world to protect yourself, as they say, all is valid in love and war...

 

I wish you well, I really do...

 

 

Disagree with the following, for the following reasons.

 

Just as they have the right to dump you. You as a dumpee have every right to deny them "friendship" because these "friendships" often amount to mental torture on the part of the dumpee, how is that even remotely fair?

 

How is looking out for yourself considered childish? What are we meant to do bend down and lick their feet whilst they have just shoved a burning dagger through our heart?

 

Sorry but that message from your ex is manipulative bull****. Looking out for no one but herself. She dumped you but expected you to still be there for her paaalease, and calls you an infant for having some self respect and dignity, what a bitch.

 

I'm not saying dumpers are evil but they honestly can't expect they have a right to friendship.

 

NC is protecting your self mentally, maintaining dignity and self-respect, whilst respecting the wishes of the dumper and removing yourself from their lives and moving on with yours. So remind me, how is that immature?

 

In short Dumpers often want to have their cake and eat it too, that is immaturity in my honest opinion.

[Trovador]

As you said it, dumpers are not evil per se... what about people who was the nicest you might have met in your life? People perfect but for the fact that they don't want/can't have a romantical relationship with you?

 

Why it must be a sexual/romantical relationship? Just because?

 

Sometimes, a love relationship just can't be...

 

Sometimes love is not enough... and how you respond to this fact of life? Shutting out the person who maybe has been one of the nicest to you in your entire life? Giving her the cold shoulder just because you feel demoted?

Ignoring her and rejecting her just because she can't sleep with you as if making out and f****** were the only measures to assess people?

 

Why some dumpers refuse to go away? Don't you think the logical reaction for dumpers (when you refuse their friendship offer) would be go away offended and willing to never give you the time of the day)...

 

Friendship? My ex could have thousands of friends, she has a few of them already... maybe she doesn't need any more friends, but according to her words and acts, she needs me as one... and I believe her. After a dozen of broken attempts at NC (she always reached out to me, always sadder and broken than myself) and going back as lovers a few times, I believe her.

 

So, if a woman breaks up with you, she is automatically a b****?

 

I gather you have never dump a woman, because that makes you... what?

 

In any case, don't try to round up all broken relationships in one which might resemble yours... and I stick to my argument, because wether dumper or dumpee I myself have felt that same rejection called NC (helpful as it is) and it is the most childish act in a functional (otherwise) adult...

[Hules]

I've been the dumper as well. I never tried to pursue friendship because I knew that would be cruel and leave false hope. No I don't think its the logical thing to do I think it is the selfish thing to do sure, but not logical.

 

It's very hard for people to just be "friends" after been in a romantic relationship. More often than not one person ends up getting used. That is not friendship.

 

Never said that if a woman breaks up with me she is a bitch. She just can't expect me to be in her life anymore. Because it's to painful. Nothing to do with spite or anger.

 

Yep just like sometimes romantic relationships cant be, friendship's cant be either. You can't force either. Doesn't matter if she was the nicest person ever to me. The fact is she isn't now, I enjoy the memories I don't not feel the same way I used to feel about her.

 

So you think its mature to leave yourself in a state of limbo and suffering just because your ex wants you as a friend, I see that as naive and short-sighted. Thus immature, each to their own though.

 

What would be your suggestion of a non-childish way to deal with a breakup. I'm very curious.

 

Needs and wants are very different things. Needs are vital to survival I very much doubt your ex needs you as a friend, not like she will die without you been there unless she has some serious mental issues. She wants you as a friend because she can essentially have the relationship with you minus the relationship. In other words, one sided "friendship".

Edited April 19, 2011 by Hules

[Trovador]

(Sorry for my poor English and bringing this discussion on Mesaboog thread. Thanks for listening...)

 

Revenge. That's what we do or think we do. "if not lovers, neither friends..."

 

It's a logical, human, maybe natural reaction. But a mature one?

 

I understand all you, and most LS, say about refusing to being friends. I have advocate that myself. But that doesn't make it right, in some cases. Not all relationships and break ups are equal.

 

My two last exes were very special. Real friends. Better than my suppossed best buddies. The last one, specially, did everything a best friend would do, and a bit more. But beyond that the best times I have had with somebody were those I shared with her. She is the most intelligent, talented and unselfish woman I have ever met; in a world where few people can be called with the name of "friend", she was a keeper. Of course, being human like everybody else, she had a few defects of her own. Then again, she tried so hard to eliminate them and they didn't affect me that much, that they mattered little.

 

Then, she ended our relationship. I went NC. She begged me, literally, to stay around. She believed I valued her most as a person than for her just her gender. The same way she valued me. We couldn't have a romantical relationship but we could stay around, learning and enjoying each other, without the burden of a relationship. No way, I said. She seemed the dumped one. Begging, crying, clinging, calling, texting, you name it... "Was I that bad to you?" What we lived all this time doesn't mean anything to you?" No way, I said and said and said...

 

You see, I valued her just for what she could give me in a romantical way. Everything else wasn't worth. All she has achieved, all her kindness (and let me tell you, she never has used me, if anything I have taken advantage of her since she has more money than me), all her talent don't have any value... she is a non-entity, she doesn't exist, she is less than zero in my world... just because she can't have/doesn't want a relationship with me...

 

I paid her back with rejection, silence and the demise of a wonderful friendship... a friendship that drove us to improve each other on a daily basis, not only in our strenghts but in changing our bad habits...

 

For example, I am a musician and she is a poet, we were writing songs... I am an aspiring novelist, she writes short fiction... we were collaborating in a novela... we were each other's muse and subject, teacher and apprentice... but I digress...

 

As an adult, I should have stayed around and enjoying her closeness (that she so adamantly required from me) while respecting her wishes of not perusing a romantical bond (and maybe moving on gradually)... Shouldn't she also respect my wishes of walking away? Maybe, but who would be the more selfish and mean one? The most immature? The one who wished to keep a wonderful, if not romantical, tie or the one who sought to destroy one of the most sacred bonds between humans?

 

Maybe I should have kept her loving her in silence...

 

I should have tried, at least, to be her real best friend. I didn't do it. I know in the end I was more cruel than her. Love and sex come and go. Friendships are really hard to find. True friendships. Like the one we had.

[Hules]

Its ok I understand what you are saying. Unfortunately when relationships break down its not that simple. I would love to be friends with my ex but the loss of emotional/physical closeness just makes it impossible.

 

I would say that most people on here would agree at one point their GF/BF/SO/Wife/Husband was their best friend.

 

However once you have had romantic relations with someone (and I'm not just talking about sex here, I'm talking about emotional connection as well, mental and physical). It is very hard, near impossible to separate the romantic part from the friendship.

 

One can not exist without the other in most cases, its just to painful. As an Adult you needed to make the best decision for you and her. You knew it was to painful, its much harder to walk away than it is to hold onto false hope and false friendship.

 

Loving her in silence is torture, why would anyone want to endure that. That is not been mature, that is been foolish at best.

 

I agree real friendship is hard to find doesn't mean your ex would of made a good friend without the relationship.

[Fufu]

My take, as long as you have romantic feelings for your ex, friendship is impossible.

 

Friendship is only maybe POSSIBLE (by the time when you moved on completely, it is up to you to decide if you want to be friends with your exes), when you have no romantic feelings for your ex anymore.

 

 

Not all relationships and break ups are equal.

 

I agree with you to a certain extent. However realistically speaking, it is still a break up.

 

 

Dumpers make their own choice and decision to leave the relationship. Dumpees on the other hand can too make their own choice and decision to move on and by staying contact with their exes especially they still have deep feelings for them, it is just not going to help the Dumpees to move on.

 

Only if the Dumpees accept the break up from their heart and not having any hopes of wanting their ex to come back to their lives, staying contact with their exes and being friends with them or not, it is entirely up to the Dumpees' decision. However, how many cases we heard that are Dumpees accept the break up entirely, sincerely and truly?

 

Dumpers can make the decision to leave Dumpees, why can't Dumpees make their own decision to move on from the failed relationships?

Edited April 19, 2011 by Fufu

[LostMyHeart]

Well, my dumper/dumpee story has both of us doing NC with each other. It hurts too much to be in contact with him...and hurts even more that the friendship is not there either.

 

Mine started in January when I told him I was in love with him, he rejected that, yet fed me crumbs for a month as we stayed in contact....not looking for anyone else, not pursuing anyone else, loves what we have and doesn't want to jeopardize that. Then suddenly notices another woman flirting with him and not sure what he has been missing out on....if the opportunity were to present itself, he would go for it...then adds her to FB claiming she is just a friend.

 

We talked on the phone and I told him I couldn't do this...even as a friend because I still had a romantic attachment to him, we were lovers for almost a year. He almost had me convinced...almost and I would have still clung on like a fool....he said that I was different and didn't compare to this girl....I asked him what that meant and how was I different?? Then he turned it on me and said that I was the one that wanted out...got angry and hateful, then hung up on me. I went immediate NC. So, he views me as the dumper...2 weeks later goes off on me that I am the one who got angry, I was the one that wanted out and he has little time in his life for someone that disposes of someone so easy. Our contacts back then over a month ago....were angry and hurtful...both of us. Just a few weeks ago, he put up a pic on his FB that I took of him...I waited a week to ask him about it...he just sheepishly said he would take it down and did.

 

Pride....simply put...pride on both our parts. Neither one very happy being apart, but can't be together either because we both are too hurt. He's restarted his life...dating and all. I'm still working on my life. So who is the dumper and who is the dumpee?

[Mesaboog]

Sorry to disagree, but I don't think NC is the most mature thing to do after a romantical separation, in fact, as helpful as it is, is the most childish act people can do...

 

What about the following?:

 

"Look, I appreciate you a lot, I really do, and despite you are a special person and worth of keeping you in my life, I can't have a relationship with you... given that you are so interesting and a challenge to me, it's only human that I want to be with you on a friendly basis, I don't want any or more friends, I want you as my friend, maybe I learn a lot from you about life or about myself, maybe you are really brilliant and funny, maybe you are the only person that understand me and I can understand... we tried to have something but like millions of relationships it failed, not because we didn't try or want, but because something happened... but I still think you are really different and I'd like you, at least during some time while we learnt more about us, to have you near me... Like you, I wasn't a bad person, we had bad moments, but I never wanted to hurt you and I always wanted you to success in life, the same as you did concerning myself... I could also go away but I choose to be with you... doesn't that mean something to you?...

 

Do you think I deserve to be ignored? Was I so much a jerk to be rejected by you now? What I did when breaking up with you was human, what you are doing is everything but that... I see now that you are but a child and it pains me that I dealed all this time with an infant..."

 

I am not saying this is what your ex feels or felt about you, all I am saying is that I believe that when we refuse a friendship after a b/u we are being selfish and immature... "eye for an eye, you don't want me, I don't want you..." We go, if you will, the easy way...

 

This was what my ex said, btw, and so I stayed around for a while, trying to pull the infamous vanishing act, it didn't work out so I went NC all the way, so you see, I am as immature like anyone else...

 

 

I am not saying you should break NC or try to be friends with her, all I want is to call things by their plain name and stop defining relationships by the same standard...

 

I guess this is more a rant than anything, so sorry for playing Devil Advocacy in your thread, just remember that you have all the right in the world to protect yourself, as they say, all is valid in love and war...

 

I wish you well, I really do...

I can see your side as well. For the week or so I tried to keep contact with her, we argued quite a bit. All she talked about was sex and the guy,along with everyone else that's interested in her. When I told her we had to be no more than friends and that I didn't want to hear her talk about those people, she seemed disinterested in talking at all. I think in my case NC was the best and most mature thing to do in the long run. There wasn't really another option anyway

[Mesaboog]

As you said it, dumpers are not evil per se... what about people who was the nicest you might have met in your life? People perfect but for the fact that they don't want/can't have a romantical relationship with you?

 

Why it must be a sexual/romantical relationship? Just because?

 

Sometimes, a love relationship just can't be...

 

Sometimes love is not enough... and how you respond to this fact of life? Shutting out the person who maybe has been one of the nicest to you in your entire life? Giving her the cold shoulder just because you feel demoted?

Ignoring her and rejecting her just because she can't sleep with you as if making out and f****** were the only measures to assess people?

 

Why some dumpers refuse to go away? Don't you think the logical reaction for dumpers (when you refuse their friendship offer) would be go away offended and willing to never give you the time of the day)...

 

Friendship? My ex could have thousands of friends, she has a few of them already... maybe she doesn't need any more friends, but according to her words and acts, she needs me as one... and I believe her. After a dozen of broken attempts at NC (she always reached out to me, always sadder and broken than myself) and going back as lovers a few times, I believe her.

 

So, if a woman breaks up with you, she is automatically a b****?

 

I gather you have never dump a woman, because that makes you... what?

 

In any case, don't try to round up all broken relationships in one which might resemble yours... and I stick to my argument, because wether dumper or dumpee I myself have felt that same rejection called NC (helpful as it is) and it is the most childish act in a functional (otherwise) adult...

I don't think I would ever do NC if a relationship ended nicely and cleanly. That rarely rarely happens, however. Personally, she's acting very childish and immature right now so I'd rather not talk to her until she gets herself together. It was 100% clear being friends wasn't a good idea.

Yes NC might hurt the person. But breaking up also hurts. Does that mean you should never dump someone? Does that make it childish? Sometimes (often actually) the right thing is the hardest most painful thing. I don't believe NC is an "easy" way out in the slightest.