Lil1 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Is it inappropriate to tell someone who is in a relationship (new relationship) that you are interested in them? The thing is, last night at a friend's party I told a guy I know that I really liked him and even though I know he has a girlfriend now (I've never met her, I think they just became an item but she wasn't with him) and also even though his brother wants to take me out on a date (but I am not interested in his brother whatsoever) that I wanted him to think about me and to let him know how I feel about him.... now I'm thinking, Yikes! I was a little drunk (not sloshy but def lubricated! lol) but I don't regret having done that. His response was "Oh dear" lol! he blushed and said thank you and when I asked him to think about it he said he would. I don't know what to expect, and I don't plan on pursuing it any further (partly cause its not like I'm head over heels for him, I just wanna get to know him). But since I have a clearer head now Im wondering if it's a thoughtless or rude thing to do to someone who is in a fresh relationship. What do you guys think?
january2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 In my opinion, it was thoughtless. However, what's done is done. Lesson learned (hopefully). Now let him be.
Lilmisus Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Definitely thoughtless, and rude to his new girlfriend. I feel that if someone is in a relationship (whether or not you know their girlfriend, or how long they've been together) then they are off limits. If you have feelings for him, you should have let him know sooner, or after things ended with his girl. Think of it this way: how would you feel if you were his new girlfriend, and a girl told him that, and told him to think about it? Especially if he ended things with you, to go pursue her? Yeah..not cool. But I agree, what is done is done. Don't pursue it, and maybe even tell him that you were a little tipsy or drunk or whatever so to just discard whatever was said that night. And sorry, I feel very strongly about this, since something similar happened to me..except I was the girlfriend, and she was the girl saying she had feelings for him.
lovingADove Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I think you were right to do what you did. Sometimes, you just have to go with your heart. Whatever happens happens ...
Professor X Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 All is fair in love and war. Not only that a RS is not a brick wall, it's also gonna be his decision if he would want to give you a chance or not. The only thing you do need to note is that if he actually does give you a change, that he broke up from his previous RS.
Thedude22 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 I don't think there is anything wrong with it, chances are they will break up in a couple months anyway, why not plant the seed for a future date? I think it's always better to be up front with people about your attraction to them. Love truly is a battlefield, most of the good dating material is taken (well except for me ) you have to take the good ones away from people who are undeserving. If I see a girl who is with a guy I have no respect for and I'm interested, I'll pursue. Why shouldn't you?
xpaperxcutx Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Well, you " cleared your conscience" at another's misery. You do know you're encroaching on another's girl's territory, and if you had the decency to sober up, you wouldn't have actually thought it was a good idea.
Author Lil1 Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 I don't think there is anything wrong with it, chances are they will break up in a couple months anyway, why not plant the seed for a future date? Exactly! The truth is we have always been very flirtatious with each other and we seem to be on the same level. I realize that he is in a new relationship but I didn't find out until last night and I've been wanting to tell him that I liked him and it just felt right. Like I said, I'm not pursuing it further but I feel like if he was in love with this chick who he just made his gf then he would have acted a little differently, I mean, we were flirting right up to when someone asked him about her and I found out. Anyway, I hope he wasn't offended by it... he didn't seem to be, but I certainly didn't mean to offend or be disrespectful. I don't know, I still don't regret it though. It's not even like we have each other's numbers so I'm not really expecting a reply per say but I just wanted to plant the seed like you said;)
Nexus One Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 One should not come between two lovers. Granted, if he was genuinely flirting with you, then he is in the wrong too. Respect the relationships of others and respect their significant others.
Professor X Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 One should not come between two lovers. Granted, if he was genuinely flirting with you, then he is in the wrong too. Respect the relationships of others and respect their significant others. There's nothing wrong in a little poking and prodding. If they are really "lovers" than there's no danger, now is there? And it's not up to her or anyone else but the 2 in a RS to respect it.
Nexus One Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 (edited) There's nothing wrong in a little poking and prodding. If they are really "lovers" than there's no danger, now is there? And it's not up to her or anyone else but the 2 in a RS to respect it. Maybe the 'lovers' wouldn't break up over it, but they might fight over it. If you had a girlfriend and another guy would step into your territory and try to win over your girlfriend, then I'd bet my month's wage that you wouldn't appreciate it, maybe you wouldn't break up with your girlfriend, but you would ask her what she's doing flirting with another guy. It's food for arguments. Edited April 17, 2011 by Nexus One
Professor X Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Men hit on my GF on a daily basis and they all do it to win her (obviously), but I have complete trust in her that she won't do the nasty stuff with anyone (even as low as flirting) and therefor, in reality, I don't care, cause I know they have 0 chance, all I do is laugh with her when she tells me that. In fact, the only time when it bothers me, it's when I'm actually with her and someone hits on her, but only because he's trying to emasculate me in front of her. And you know what she does? she signals him to wait, than turns around to give me a big kiss on the lips and doesn't even look at him afterwards. Besides, you have just validated what I've said as you pointed out who you'd blame: "you would ask her what she's doing flirting" - in the example you've written, the blame would fall on my lover, for she had flirted back which is not the case with the OP. And the same goes for the OP, it's not her fault if the guy flirts back with her, it his problem for being weak for whatever reason (not strong enough RS, etc..). P.S. Loved the assumption "if you had..." when I do =)
Nexus One Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Men hit on my GF on a daily basis and they all do it to win her (obviously), but I have complete trust in her that she won't do the nasty stuff with anyone (even as low as flirting) and therefor, in reality, I don't care, cause I know they have 0 chance, all I do is laugh with her when she tells me that. In fact, the only time when it bothers me, it's when I'm actually with her and someone hits on her, but only because he's trying to emasculate me in front of her. And you know what she does? she signals him to wait, than turns around to give me a big kiss on the lips and doesn't even look at him afterwards. Besides, you have just validated what I've said as you pointed out who you'd blame: "you would ask her what she's doing flirting" - in the example you've written, the blame would fall on my lover, for she had flirted back which is not the case with the OP. And the same goes for the OP, it's not her fault if the guy flirts back with her, it his problem for being weak for whatever reason (not strong enough RS, etc..). P.S. Loved the assumption "if you had..." when I do =) It makes sense the way you put it, but the idea of willfully trying to become between two lovers seems unethical. Granted though, a relationship should be strong enough to withstand the advances of others. P.S.: I didn't mean to imply you probably didn't have a girlfriend, I had no idea really, it didn't cross my mind whether you did or didn't, I just typed away without thinking about it.
Author Lil1 Posted April 17, 2011 Author Posted April 17, 2011 I totally respect boundaries when it comes to relationships, I really do & I don't appreciate it when I'm the girlfriend who has to go through it, but the thing is, he really has not shown an indication that he is in love with his new gf. I know that is a terrible thing to say (and perhaps irrelevant) but the fact is he was flirting with me like he always has and when the topic of his gf came up it's not exactly like he gushed about her, in fact he seemed embarrased and didn't really talk about her. I really didn't expect much and I def didn't try to kiss him or anything like that. I hope that if anything he was flattered & felt a little more special
january2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Posted April 17, 2011 Wow, I'm glad I don't live in this social circle. I think I'll retreat back to my ivory tower of archaic beliefs regarding honour, taking responsibility for one's actions and self-control. Karma, she'll bite you in the ass when you're not looking.
Thedude22 Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Exactly! The truth is we have always been very flirtatious with each other and we seem to be on the same level. I realize that he is in a new relationship but I didn't find out until last night and I've been wanting to tell him that I liked him and it just felt right. Like I said, I'm not pursuing it further but I feel like if he was in love with this chick who he just made his gf then he would have acted a little differently, I mean, we were flirting right up to when someone asked him about her and I found out. Anyway, I hope he wasn't offended by it... he didn't seem to be, but I certainly didn't mean to offend or be disrespectful. I don't know, I still don't regret it though. It's not even like we have each other's numbers so I'm not really expecting a reply per say but I just wanted to plant the seed like you said;) Well at our age (I'm guess your between the ages of 18-25) relationships go by very quickly, I'd say the average relationship only lasts a couple months. Why not make an investment? I do think you should get his number or at least be friends on facebook, otherwise you will lose track of him.
thatdog Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Firstly I think there's a big difference between hitting on someone you think could be single and hitting on someone you KNOW isn't. Seems a lot of posters here aren't considering that fact. If you know someone had a gf/bf then you should know that person is off limits. I have no problem seeing/hearing about some random guy hitting on my gf. So long as she responds appropriately there's no issue and it's even a bit of a confidence boost to know I have such a desirable woman. If however the guy knows of my existence then I have a problem and will tell him in no uncertain terms he has the options of either backing off and never speaking to my woman again or saying goodbye to a few teeth. I don't know what to expect, and I don't plan on pursuing it any further (partly cause its not like I'm head over heels for him, I just wanna get to know him). I think this just makes your actions even less justifiable. What if he did like this girl but had a crush on you before (hence his earlier flirting). So he makes the unwise decision of dumping his new gf to be with the girl of his dreams only to find that you are just 'kind of' interested and change your mind a few weeks later. You've shattered a potential healthy relationship in it's infancy only so you can entertain the notion that you might like to have this guy.
Thedude22 Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Wow, I'm glad I don't live in this social circle. I think I'll retreat back to my ivory tower of archaic beliefs regarding honour, taking responsibility for one's actions and self-control. Karma, she'll bite you in the ass when you're not looking. Welcome to dating january, you want a good woman/man you have to take them from a lesser person. I was like you for a long time, but after years of seeing great girls with moron guys I decided to start liberating them from their woeful relationships. If a guy meets my standards for a quality girl, I'll leave it be but if I see a guy being an ass to his awesome girlfriend, why shouldn't I give her an excuse to leave him? Granted I'm typically not willing to get into fist fights over it like some kind of troglodyte, but I always let them know they have better options on the table.
Author Lil1 Posted April 18, 2011 Author Posted April 18, 2011 I think this just makes your actions even less justifiable. What if he did like this girl but had a crush on you before (hence his earlier flirting). So he makes the unwise decision of dumping his new gf to be with the girl of his dreams only to find that you are just 'kind of' interested and change your mind a few weeks later. You've shattered a potential healthy relationship in it's infancy only so you can entertain the notion that you might like to have this guy. I think you are being a little extreme, I really would be very interested in pursuing a relationship with him and there is no denying the spark between us. I'm not just entertaining the notion of being with him, I took a leap of faith in telling him how I really feel, but I'm also ok with letting things be and if there should ever be a future between us then life will find a way of connecting us but at least he knows I see him as more then just a fun guy to flirt with. If he did a have a crush on me before, and he does see me as the girl of his dreams , then that's more of a good reason that I did tell him how I feel. The truth is I really just spoke from the heart and perhaps I should have thought about it more, I think that if it were obvious that he is in love then I might have not said anything at all. It also didn't help that I was drunk!
Lilmisus Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 Welcome to dating january, you want a good woman/man you have to take them from a lesser person. I was like you for a long time, but after years of seeing great girls with moron guys I decided to start liberating them from their woeful relationships. If a guy meets my standards for a quality girl, I'll leave it be but if I see a guy being an ass to his awesome girlfriend, why shouldn't I give her an excuse to leave him? Granted I'm typically not willing to get into fist fights over it like some kind of troglodyte, but I always let them know they have better options on the table. She doesn't even say who the girl is, who's to say she isn't "worthy" of being with him? What if she had feelings for him just as long as his new girlfriend has? I feel that if a guy leaves a girl for someone else..who's to say that he wont leave that someone else for another girl? I mean, he obviously doesn't have a problem with doing it, so what makes her so much more special to make it to where he'll never leave her for someone else as well? Personally, I would never pursue someone in a relationship for that reason, and also for the reason that it's not respectful at all. I honestly hoped that people would respect me the same way, but obviously there's more people that feel the same as y'all do, then who feel the way I do.
elaina Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 But since I have a clearer head now Im wondering if it's a thoughtless or rude thing to do to someone who is in a fresh relationship. What do you guys think? Would you have told him if you were sober? I've liked a guy with a girlfriend before. I never told him because 1. He's a good friend and I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship. 2. His girlfriend is also a friend (though not a close friend) and I respect her. 3. They are married now and I think they are a great couple, so I am glad that I never said anything. They are very happy, and so who cares that I used to like him? I don't even care anymore, because I am in love with the man I am now with, who I didn't know till recently. Anyways, I don't think you did a horrible thing, but it does put up a wall if he likes his girlfriend more than you. Or, if he doesn't, it is possible he will dump her and come to you. It's good that you and his girlfriend are not friends. If y'all were, then I would think what you said was wrong, but you're not, so no worries.
P&R Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I totally respect boundaries when it comes to relationships, I really do & I don't appreciate it when I'm the girlfriend who has to go through it, but the thing is, he really has not shown an indication that he is in love with his new gf. I know that is a terrible thing to say (and perhaps irrelevant) but the fact is he was flirting with me like he always has and when the topic of his gf came up it's not exactly like he gushed about her, in fact he seemed embarrased and didn't really talk about her. I really didn't expect much and I def didn't try to kiss him or anything like that. I hope that if anything he was flattered & felt a little more special You obviously do not respect boundaries if you did this. "No indication that he is in love" is a bad excuse too... How do you know? Some people are against PDA. You thought of nobody but yourself when you did what you did.
dressing up Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I was recently toying with the idea of telling the guy friend I liked how I felt. But I decided against it because I couldn't do it to him or his new girlfriend. I don't know whether I would have done it if given the chance but I know it isn't right. Do I wish I had told him? Yes. Do I think I would do it? Probably not.
BellePerdant Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 I'm torn. Love is a battlefield. It's not like you jumped his bones. But being one of the many girls that's been cheated on, reading this is like seeing the "other girls" perspective. It's infuriating and intriguing.
thatone Posted April 18, 2011 Posted April 18, 2011 (edited) Exactly! The truth is we have always been very flirtatious with each other and we seem to be on the same level. I realize that he is in a new relationship but I didn't find out until last night and I've been wanting to tell him that I liked him and it just felt right. Like I said, I'm not pursuing it further but I feel like if he was in love with this chick who he just made his gf then he would have acted a little differently, I mean, we were flirting right up to when someone asked him about her and I found out. Anyway, I hope he wasn't offended by it... he didn't seem to be, but I certainly didn't mean to offend or be disrespectful. I don't know, I still don't regret it though. It's not even like we have each other's numbers so I'm not really expecting a reply per say but I just wanted to plant the seed like you said;) trust me, men are never offended by a woman making the move on them first. a bit intimidated? maybe. embarrassed? sure. but not offended. intimidated and embarrassed will be gone by tomorrow. you did fine. if he's interested when she's gone, he'll find you. if she isn't gone in another month or two, oh well you did as well as you could in the situation you were faced with. drew brees is worth 20 million a year and he only completes 66% of his passes. can't win all the time, the best you can do is the best you can do. Edited April 18, 2011 by thatone
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