VoraciousTermite Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Hi, I've been with my girlfriend for about 2.5 years. We started going out Sophomore year of college and it was one of the most magical experiences. We had a great connection from the get-go. We were so in love with each other. We studied abroad together in England and traveled all over Europe together. We talked frequently about how much we loved each other and how we had every intention of getting married once we graduated. About 2 weeks ago told me that she has feelings for another guy that is 3 years younger. They have been hanging out for about a month and have told each other that they have feelings for each other. She promised me that she hasn't cheated. She has told me twice that she is going to stop hanging out with him, but then I caught her twice, hanging out with him later that day. She told me recently that hanging out with him is the "best part of her day". She used to say this same thing to me. Now, all of a sudden, she says she has questioned our relationship since a few months in. She thinks she's been unhappy the entire time and that she isn't sure if I am the right person for her. She doesn't think our connection is as strong as it could be. She thinks she always asked questions about how much I loved her because of her own insecurities. She feels a "very strong" connection with this new guy, and doesn't think she will have the same doubts with him that she had with me. I tried to explain to her the nature of "honeymoon" relationships, but she just won't listen. She just constantly says that she likes spending time with him more than me. I will admit that our communication has not been very good this past year. I moved off-campus, and have spent more time hanging out with friends because it is just convenient. She has done the same with her friends. We jointly agreed that we should devote a little more time to friends this year since we won't have this opportunity again. I guess the underlying assumption was that we would have eachother no matter what. I have promised her that we can try to fix our connection and communication problems, but she doesn't want to try, probably because she has this back-up plan of a new guy where she feels something. This is where I'm the most hurt - it seems like she has given up on our relationship. We have been hanging out more since she told me of her deep concerns. I've thought they have been generally beneficial and fun, but she says it hasn't changed her mind. That she doesn't think that this is real, and that it will go back to the way it was. The strangest thing is that she still says she loves me. She says she wants time to figure out how much. She's considering whether she's loves me or is really in love with me. She says she's leaning towards breaking up, but is so confused because she still loves me and doesn't want to hurt me. One thing I have noticed though is that she tends to generalize toward the negative. That is, when she brings up an issue, she says it's "always" been this way, even when I try to explain how I remembered it a different way. I have tried to explain to her that she is having these feelings because of this new fling. I seriously think she is trying to convince herself that she has been unhappy the whole time because she wants to be with this other guy. We've had our share of problems with eachother, but I have perceived it as generally happy. We both have a way of knowing whether something is wrong with the other person or they have something on their mind. Not once has something this major come up - and I haven't sensed a general "unhappiness". Another cause I think could be her personal life. She had a major falling out with one of her friends soon after we started going out. Her best friend also moved away and she barely gets to see her. During her Junior year, she didn't have a roommate she was close to and told me she felt that I was "the only person she had, and she didn't know what she would do without me". Until this year, she didn't have any real close friends. I wonder if she is comparing her current happiness with new friends to her time where she felt very "alone" - thus, blaming our relationship for her unhappiness. She doesn't seem to think this is true because she says she's had these doubts for a long time. I made her promise that she wouldn't see this other guy until she decided what to do about our relationship. Was that the right thing to do? How should I go about handling this issue? I've told her that I will support her and help her in her decision as long as she will consider what she wants to do with our relationship independent of her feelings for this new guy. I seriously doubt she will be able to separate them though. I really want to be with her, but now I am questioning whether she is "mature" enough for me. I question how long I can put up with this and whether I could ever trust her to be faithful. That being said, there is this feeling of "rightness" whenever I spend time with her. Whenever I'm feeling upset over these issues, as soon as I see her, they go away. One of my greatest worries is next year. My girlfriend has one extra semester, and I will be moving away to start my career. This means she will be on campus with this guy alone. I worry that he will get persistent and pursue her once I'm no longer around. Sorry about the length. Thanks in advance.
Nexus One Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 She has told me twice that she is going to stop hanging out with him, but then I caught her twice, hanging out with him later that day. She told me recently that hanging out with him is the "best part of her day". She used to say this same thing to me. Personally, this is where I would have ended it. If she's willing to risk the most important thing in both your loves, the relationship between you two, then probably it isn't the most important thing to her after all. So ask yourself this question. Do you want to be with a girl that does not take your relationship as serious as you do? One of my greatest worries is next year. My girlfriend has one extra semester, and I will be moving away to start my career. This means she will be on campus with this guy alone. I worry that he will get persistent and pursue her once I'm no longer around. In this case I would want to keep the honor to myself and end it myself. You deserve someone that takes your relationship seriously and you shouldn't have to be afraid all the time for her to cheat. If I were in your shoes I would want to end it before she does. Keep the honor to yourself, because she has been toying with the relationship and the man inside of you should not want to put up with that. She has given you the idea that she has the control, that she deals the cards about how things turn out. Well, turn the tables on her. She didn't lie about it once, but twice. I'm all about giving people a second chance, but not a third one.
seibert253 Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 If she's "hanging out" with some other dude without your knowledge and consent, lying about it, and they "have feelings" for each other, than she HAS cheated. Maybe not physically, but definently emotionally. Listen, if she doesn't know the difference between an infatuation and love, then maybe she's not the right one for you. Right now she's got the best of both worlds, it's called Cakeating. She's got the new dude who she's all giddy with, and she's got you, the ol' stand by who will always be there, and she can fall back on. Maybe Mr. "stand by and fall back on" should walk away and let her experience life without a back up. Dude, women want a stand up, take charge, type of guy. Right now you are not being that. Want to become that guy, this is how. Grow a pair. Be firm with her about what you expect. You expect a GF who will love and be committed to only you, no one else. Tell her you expect NOTHING LESS, and if she can't be that person, then you're gone. You do not want someone who is "confused" or "doesn't know what they want". You've given her 100%, you should settle for nothing less of that from her. If she can't give you that, cut her loose. Make her choose. Don't give her time to think. Call her bluff. Don't be her friend, don't comfort her, none of that crap. She's now an Ex who broke your heart. Treat her as such. Stone cold NC, and you move on. It's gonna suck, you're gonna hurt, but for your sake, she needs to choose. Stands a good chance she'll realize what she's throwing away and come crawling back. If she does, great. You two can work to build a stronger relationship. If she doesn't come back, no prob. Chances are you will find another gal who will treat you even better than she ever did. Keep us posted. Peace and Good Luck.
chuckles11 Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 OP, you're both at an age where people typically aren't ready to settle down. After spending two and a half years with you, she's starting to wonder what else is out there. Telling her not to see the guy again is pointless, because if it isn't him it will be another guy. She has one foot out the door already The problem is, because she's immature, she doesn't know how to just break up with you and is passive aggressively dragging this out. The best thing you could do is end it now, because this will not end well.
Author VoraciousTermite Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 Grow a pair. Be firm with her about what you expect. You expect a GF who will love and be committed to only you, no one else. Tell her you expect NOTHING LESS, and if she can't be that person, then you're gone. You do not want someone who is "confused" or "doesn't know what they want". You've given her 100%, you should settle for nothing less of that from her. If she can't give you that, cut her loose. Make her choose. Don't give her time to think. Call her bluff. I sort of did this last night. I told her either she stops contact with him, or I'm done. She agreed to stop everything with him and commit to me while she decides what she wants to do. She wants to evaluate our relationship independent of the other guy. She wants to try to work on our issues, but still isn't sure if it will work out. Maybe this is just me being hopelessly romantic, but I don't want her to face this alone. I love her too much and care for her too much to abandon her at a time like this. I also don't want to go back on my word, now that I have said I would be there for her while she goes through this.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I was kind of in your girlfriend's situation in my mid-20s. I was with the "perfect on paper guy", but I never really felt that we had the bond and connection that I wanted. It was something I struggled with for most of the relationship, and discussed with him. He never really knew what to say, because he told me he did feel that connection to me. I wanted it to be there, but it just wasn't. (Our main problem was sexual incompatibility. He was sexually lukewarm, while I am creative and exploratory in bed and have high drive.) I'm sorry to say it, but I think your girlfriend has one foot out the door.
Woggle Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Then give her all the time she wants with him. Don't waste anymore time on this kind of crap.
TheLoneSock Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 She just constantly says that she likes spending time with him more than me. She could have said nothing else to you but this and it would have been all the answer you ever needed. You're either very thick headed or you're in denial. She is sending you a message over a megaphone and you still aren't hearing it. You're right, the communication between the two of you isn't good at all, especially if you can't even pick up on what she's telling you right now. You need to end this before she just cheats (if she hasn't already), or she flat out dumps you.
P&R Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 When you girlfriend said visiting this guy was the best part of her day you should have said peace out. Tell her that she can spend more time with that guy, but she sure as hell isn't spending anymore time with you.
Eddie Edirol Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I sort of did this last night. I told her either she stops contact with him, or I'm done. She agreed to stop everything with him and commit to me while she decides what she wants to do. She wants to evaluate our relationship independent of the other guy. She wants to try to work on our issues, but still isn't sure if it will work out. Maybe this is just me being hopelessly romantic, but I don't want her to face this alone. I love her too much and care for her too much to abandon her at a time like this. I also don't want to go back on my word, now that I have said I would be there for her while she goes through this. Do you understand that you are wanting to support someone who doesnt care about you as much as you do her? She has already decided that she is done with your relationship, she is probably too chicken to end it while youre still around. She doesnt really want to work on your issues, she is just giving you lip service. She is going to tell you what you want to hear, but you have to assume its all lies. STop seeing her now, let her go to the guy, you have lost her already. Dont be with someone who doesnt love you anymore.
utterer of lies Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Tell her that she can spend more time with that guy, but she sure as hell isn't spending anymore time with you. You understand that this is the solution for other people, why don't you understand that this is the solution for you, too?
Stilicho Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 trust me man, end it with her and keep your pride. recently, i was in almost the exact situation(same age, time spent with her, college, love, etc), and it doesnt work out how u want it too. Even if you get back together fully, its not the same, and the doubts youll now have in her will drive u mad. Shes one foot out the door, you need to man up and push the next one out too. it will hurt immensely, you probably wont have an appetite or sleep for days, but in the end, it will be worth it. find somebody who deserves you brother.
Author VoraciousTermite Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 We just broke up. We had a long talk. It was somewhat mutual. She broke down hardcore after she decided to go ahead with the break up. It ended up with her saying she loves me, but not as much as I love her. She couldn't continue in a relationship like this. I couldn't either. I feel completely numb right now. I love that girl with all my heart but I realize that I don't want to be with someone who isn't going reciprocate. What can I expect in terms of feelings, instincts, desires, etc. over the next days/weeks/months? I know everyone is different, but how long before I will feel "normal" again?
Professor X Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 We just broke up. We had a long talk. It was somewhat mutual. She broke down hardcore after she decided to go ahead with the break up. It ended up with her saying she loves me, but not as much as I love her. She couldn't continue in a relationship like this. I couldn't either. I feel completely numb right now. I love that girl with all my heart but I realize that I don't want to be with someone who isn't going reciprocate. What can I expect in terms of feelings, instincts, desires, etc. over the next days/weeks/months? I know everyone is different, but how long before I will feel "normal" again? Months / years - depends on you of course, and not just personality wise, but actions too. NC (No Contact) as of now and get rid of anything that reminds you of her. Sorry man, wish I had better news I know what you're going through (took me about a year to feel normal again).
Author VoraciousTermite Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 This might be a weird concern...but I don't know what to do about Facebook. I deactivated it because I didn't want to deal with all the people writing comments about how sorry they are. I'm a much more personal person, and would rather not share this kind of thing with all my friends, some of whom I have met once, on there. I worry I will miss out on the support I can get there though. I don't know what to do.
Stilicho Posted April 20, 2011 Posted April 20, 2011 This might be a weird concern...but I don't know what to do about Facebook. I deactivated it because I didn't want to deal with all the people writing comments about how sorry they are. I'm a much more personal person, and would rather not share this kind of thing with all my friends, some of whom I have met once, on there. I worry I will miss out on the support I can get there though. I don't know what to do. luckily, my ex deleted her facebook after we broke up. personally, i only told my closest friends and family all about it. the support helps, but honestly, you gain the most progress through self reflection. listen to what they say, go full NC asap. it took me about 3 months to feel fully "normal," but if i think back to the circumstances of the break up, the pain is still there. otherwise, im good, dating again, happy, etc. i feel for u man, i went through the same stuff, its almost surreal in the first couple of weeks. just remember no matter how down you are feeling, things WILL get better, trust me,
Professor X Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 This might be a weird concern...but I don't know what to do about Facebook. I deactivated it because I didn't want to deal with all the people writing comments about how sorry they are. I'm a much more personal person, and would rather not share this kind of thing with all my friends, some of whom I have met once, on there. I worry I will miss out on the support I can get there though. I don't know what to do. You did good by deactivating it. You won't get real support via people who click +like or typing ":(" or whatnot that you'll get there, I doubt they will type comments 1/10 of the length you see here. Besides, does your ex' have FB? I got the feeling she does, and I got the feeling that that's why you are trying to convince yourself to activate it. Well, if that's the case than don't! I know you're tempted to see her status there, or pictures, but that's just gonna make it even worse for you, much worse. Support you will get from people you actually see. Those that would hug you, put an arm around your shoulder, etc, etc.
Author VoraciousTermite Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 (edited) Yeah, she uses it a lot. And there's a lot of pictures of us together. I don't want to be tempted to go on and figure out what she's up to or to go back through the memories. Not yet anyway. On a related note, I feel much better today. Actually, pretty amazing. Maybe it's just the relief from having this whole situation settled. I still can't stop thinking about her, but it's more thoughts of "she doesn't deserve me" or "I deserve better". I still care for her (and maybe love her, hard to say right now), but I don't want anything to do with her right now. I realize this will change from day to day, week to week, but it's a start from the misery and dread I was feeling on my chest the past week. Thanks all. Edited April 21, 2011 by bgh10788
tman666 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Dude, you got the easy way out when you really think about it. You got off scott free without breaking her heart. Now's your chance to make new friends, meet tons of new, hot, horny girls, drink as much booze as you want, smoke as much of the sticky-icky as you want, work out twice a day, play as many video games as you want, watch movies like "Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior", "Pulp Fiction", "The Big Lebowski" and "The Terminator", pick up playing a sport, join a club, go out with buddies to strip clubs, etc. While I'm sort of half-way joking above (only sort of), and I'm not suggesting that you go nuts and engage in destructive behavior, I am suggesting that you go out and embrace all the life going on around you. Don't waste this opportunity. Also, stay the f--- off of facebook.
Author VoraciousTermite Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 I don't mean to keep dragging this post on but... I've found a lot of relief reading articles about overcoming first loves, how to manage the pain of a breakup, etc. Is this just covering up pain? Or is this actual healing? I'm leaning toward the latter, since it is convincing me that maybe she wasn't right for me and that there are "more fish in the sea".
Dust Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Dude, you got the easy way out when you really think about it. You got off scott free without breaking her heart. Now's your chance to make new friends, meet tons of new, hot, horny girls, drink as much booze as you want, smoke as much of the sticky-icky as you want, work out twice a day, play as many video games as you want, watch movies like "Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior", "Pulp Fiction", "The Big Lebowski" and "The Terminator", pick up playing a sport, join a club, go out with buddies to strip clubs, etc. While I'm sort of half-way joking above (only sort of), and I'm not suggesting that you go nuts and engage in destructive behavior, I am suggesting that you go out and embrace all the life going on around you. Don't waste this opportunity. Also, stay the f--- off of facebook. I already get to do any of the above (minus cheating) when in a relationship. Relationships end. He shouldn't take it personal. She cheated on him in the way that she at a minimum had a known love interest ready and waiting. That hurts. Really though it would have ended any way if she was saying crap like "you love me more than I love you" which is just BS. You'll be fine good luck.
seekandfind Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Let me just reiterate what everyone has already said (It's been a year and a half since I broke up with my first love, I know what it feels like): - NO CONTACT whatsoever. The matter has been settled, you both will move on, learn from this experience, and grow and develop into better people as a result. Staying in touch with her will only PROLONG THE HEALING. - STAY ACTIVE. go do fun things, hang out with friends, get involved with new activities, indulge some minor substance abuse, and spend time on some productive hobbies you have been slacking off on! You will be making yourself a better person, having fun, and will have less time to think about her. - It will get better. It seems like you are doing well right now, but there will still be hard days ahead of you. On those days, remember that you are doing the right thing, and that you have a bright future ahead of you. There are plenty of amazing women that you can pursue, and you will eventually find one to share a loving, mutual relationship with. Just put yourself out there, and have fun =D Best of luck!!
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