Feelings messing up the best friendship ever

[rbtnylander]

I don't even know if I wrote this in the right category, but since I can't put it under 'friendship/dating' and neither 'other man/woman', I guess I'll try to explain it as well as I can... ok, so here goes...

 

So far, I've always made fun or kinda pitied the people who got themselves into trouble by going after married people and I never would have seen the fun in pursuing a married woman when the world is full of young, hot & available girls - or so I used to believe and firmly state when discussing the subject with my friends. I'm not saying that my opinion has changed at all, but it seems that life came to bite me on the ass for having such a black&white take on it...

 

It sucks just admitting it, but I am falling big time for an older, married co-worker, wait... that doesn't describe it... actually obsessing like the worst desperate teenager about her... about everything that relates to her... my poor sick mind cannot stop but absorb (against my will) any information related to her that comes across. I even know her mother's star sign and her favorite type of yoghurt! That besides all other common info that I just can't get out of my head...

 

Before you think this is just another case of bored cougar trying to seduce younger guy at work, I'll assure you it is not! It is also not me fantasizing about wild affairs with a more experienced woman, because that has never been on my agenda beforehand, quite the contrary...

 

Where it started: last year, after finishing my studies I applied for a full-time job that really interested me, even if it meant me moving to a completely new city, it didn't really matter as that city was not even far from my hometown. I was also free of commitments (just out of a 2-year relationship) and still young - 24 now - so I thought I'd just enjoy the new experience. It didn't take longer than a couple of weeks to adjust to the new city and the workplace and last year in October, after finishing the training period, I was moved to the office where I would work from there on, a bigger one and populated with men and women of all ages in fairly equal numbers.

 

This is where I met her and at the beginning she stood out from the rest of the women there in only one way: besides the boss (also a woman) she was the only one who had a simply friendly and welcoming attitude towards me - the other women/girls in the office were either going into flirty mode or pretty much ignoring me, as if I'd been there since always.

 

She tried to make me feel more comfortable within the group, as she was one of the 'veterans' of the place, for close to 4 years there, so she knew quite well the spin of things. I was a bit reluctant to being befriended by a woman from the very first days in that office, for fear of the unnecessary amount of gossip that would be poured into my ears daily and for the kind of unspoken labelling that it would get me from guys at the office (I was somewhat prejudiced about women back then, but it was all due to my previous experience of working among them).

 

Surprisingly enough, it went nothing like that. She was to say a bit 'bubbly' only my first day there, but after that she knew very well when, what or how much to speak to me as well (as to the others, I noticed), she discreetly came to help me out with workstuff when I couldn't find my way around and was too proud to ask and overall was never intrusive or trying too hard to be friendly.

 

I learned that she was 33 years old (34 this year) married and mother of a 5 year-old girl. In terms of looks, I wouldn't put her in the hotties group, neither did the guys in the office when we talked about our female co-workers - they placed her in the very restricted category of 'the nice & kind girls who remind you of your mom or sister' (the other two categories being 'hot & would definitely tap that' and 'old/bitchy'). I'd describe her as pretty to beautiful in a classic, natural way, meaning that she wears minimal make-up and on first sight I wouldn't have thought her older than 27. Based on looks only, she is not my type (or what I usually consider my type), but nevertheless petite and very feminine and... therefore attractive in her own, personal way...

 

So far anyone would say, it's no big deal that I would see her as different (in a good way) from the rest of women or even somewhat attractive, but that was all it was only for the first couple of weeks. After that, our relationship easily became one of great friendship (even if just during work-hours). I was constantly amazed at how intuitive to my moods she was and how easy it was to talk and just be around her. I hadn't previously seen myself as adapt at reading and handling women's moods, but I needn't have any worry of that sort around her.

 

I have never before felt such an affinity to someone, but I just laid it all on her being a very empathic, understanding and non-judgmental person. She is also not keen on gossip, which probably explains the fact that she isn't really close friends with any girl in the office and as she herself mentioned, she'd always made friends easier with guys. I was also lucky enough to not have to deal with PMS craziness or inside the office drama from her, as she is always doing her best to keep her troubles aside and keep up her spirits even when things weren't going all great at home. Like one time when her daughter had been ill for a couple of days and she had to leave her with her mother-in-law because she couldn't take days-off to stay at home with her. I found out about it only after her daughter got better and she was happy because they were going together to the zoo that afternoon.

 

During work but mostly on lunch breaks we had the chance to talk about all sorts of things and I found out that although she's almost 10 years older than me, her tastes in music, books, movies and art are not much different than mine. They're not the same, of course, but she is always keeping an open mind, she's eager and quick to learn new things, really seems to listen and understand what I'm talking about (even if it's silly, unimportant things sometimes) and never made me feel like she knows much more than me just because she's some years older than me.

 

Her favorite subject is definitely her daughter and I'm being understanding as it's obvious that she loves her more than life, but it's really easy to talk to her and she will talk about just any subject. However there are a few (and starting to become bugging) exceptions: sex and generally intimate stuff and married-life related things. It seemed a bit strange to me and then kind of sad that she does her best to avoid being involved in discussions on these subjects when co-workers start them up. In some instances, some of the younger ones turned to her for advice (considering her age advantage) and she seemed totally cornered, just throwing some evasive answer to get out of it, those being the only times when she felt awkward and made the rest of us feel it too.

 

It's not that she cannot take a cheeky joke or allusion once in a while and she'll return it with skill, but it's a very different story when asking hert or getting her into a whole discussion about that...

 

I would eventually and gradually get clues to what lies underneath this. First, I got the chance to meet her husband, once at the company's Christmas party (that was the only time I've seen her with him at an outing with people from work). I'll say that after observing him I couldn't make myself feel much shame about the unlawful nature of my feelings toward his wife. Yeah, maybe it would've been better if I didn't meet him and still imagined that he is a loving, caring husband, better than me in countless ways. But the truth obvious to any observer was that he is completely her opposite: majorly lacking social skills and didn't even try or care to seem nicer to his wife's colleagues. He talked minimally, sullenly sat at the table for most of the evening, barely moved once to the dancefloor with his wife, although she'd have wanted him to dance some more and I could see clearly that she fought hard to keep a happy face when he was not doing anything to help that.

 

I felt sad for her, now starting to understand why she very seldom mentions her husband when talking to anyone at the office and definitely never gives more personal details of their relationship (like some of the other girls at the office can't help but doing). I noticed she almost never talks to him on the phone at work, but I thought that was because he is extremely busy with his work and is frequently out of town on business.

 

As much as I wanted to talk to her about this, she never touched the subject and I couldn't just go ahead and ask her without causing her to become suspicious of my motives. I thought it best to wait till we got to know each other better and she would learn to trust me enough to confide in me about more personal issues. In the end, our friendship was going strong, I valued that above everything else (I still do) and didn't want to lose it by saying or doing something thoughtless.

 

That proved to be easy only in theory, as I found myself becoming more & more attracted to her and having her within sight 8 hrs/day (her desk is some 17 ft in front of mine) certainly didn't help. I could only get pissed at myself in too many occasions for finding myself sneaking looks at her body and observing her movements and gestures. It got worse when I found myself noticing some of her mannerisms at other women and thinking again about her, so bad I swear I wished to slap my own face in public at times to just get over this.

 

I remember slipping her a few subtle compliments about her looks or just encouraging her to be more confident about herself when she seemed to have some issues with self-confidence, but only in the early stages of our friendship, as later I couldn't do that anymore for fear that something else would also come through in my voice or show on my face.

 

She however seemed to take notice and in the last few months she made some changes, like wearing more youthful clothes and changing her haircut which got her plentiful praise from her colleagues. It still left me wondering if it had something to do with me because why would she do this only now, when the girls at work had been badgering her for long time before about freshening up her style.

 

Of course, I couldn't help trying to see if she feels any attraction towards me and it was funny/weird that I would try to act normal around her, all the while sizing up her reaction to my presence. I mean I'd never been that shy dude that cannot act on his interest for a girl, but in this case I didn't really have a choice... And I did see signs that it made her nervous to be close to me, like avoiding to touch me, jumping a bit when that happened accidentally or quite noticeably blushing when being pressed to me in a very crowded elevator on the way to our floor.

 

At this point, it would seem like I was frustrated about not getting laid enough or something (for reading into so many stupid little details) but it wasn't the case. I met a girl in January and we've been seeing each other every week (usually in the weekends) and almost everytime we end up having sex. I think it's actually all that this is about, the most fun that we can have together is in the sack, because she didn't seem to be interested in going out with me or meeting each other's friends or even talking to me much. I can't say I'm really bothered, I don't know if I'm a jerk for it but so far she's kept it completely casual and for as long as it lasts (don't know if much longer) I'd say I'm ok with it.

 

However, things have taken sort of a turn for the worse last month, while on teambuilding weekend with all the people at work, at a mountain resort. It was a memorable weekend, she was even more fun to be around than at the office, but so were most of the other people once they got to loosen up.

 

On the last night there, we had a dance party at the hotel's club and I naturally took the chance to dance with her. It was a slow dance and it proved even more difficult to keep my composure than I thought, once I was holding her so close, feeling her body warmth and perfume, it was like all my braincells self-distructed and I just couldn't form coherent sentences throughout the dance. I swear I haven't felt that awkward since I was like 16 and it seemed to affect her too: she tried making some little joke at the beginning, but then just got all quiet and just smiled uneasily and blushed when our eyes met.

 

Later in the evening, the air became unbreathable in the club, so she asked me if I wanted to step out to get away from the smoke and loud music. I followed her, we went for a walk and sat on a bench and talked for an hour or so. She was tired and a little tipsy so she was just speaking whatever crossed her mind. She was nothing short of adorable and I was impressed that even like this she had a dose of innocence that I've rarely seen even in girls of my age.

 

I was also surprised that when the conversation came around to the relationships topic, she didn't shut it down as usual. Her speech became quite emotionally charged and she said something on the lines of 'it is not fair to take advantage of the exclusivity that your partner has commited themselves to in their relationship to you and just take them for granted', as in not making anymore effort to keep the feelings alive and 'nobody deserves to feel an emotional prisoner just because they decided to entrust themselves to someone'. She didn't mention anything that would specifically relate to her situation, but I could it read it on her face that it was not just generally speaking, it was something that was affecting her personally.

 

It was really cold outside and she didn't have her jacket with her so I put mine on her shoulders, then she turned and looked me in the eyes and our faces were like 2 inches apart. I didn't move or even breathe but waited to see in her eyes if I could kiss her. But she didn't wait longer than 2 seconds until she sprung to her feet and let me know that she'll be going to her room to sleep, then added "enjoy the rest of the evening and see you tomorrow" and rushed to the elevator. Still wearing my jacket...

 

I thought this would make things much more awkward between the two of us, but it partly didn't - she didn't change her attitude towards me in presence of other people - and partly did, because since then she has a more 'guarded' posture in my presence (like arms crossed on her chest, keeping her chair at further distance from mine when looking at the same monitor), she doesn't sustain eye contact with me for longer than a few seconds even when we have to discuss workstuff and it's really not like her, it bothers me and I can see she's uneasy about it too. Same for her smile, it used to be sincere and heartwarming, now it's restrained and awkward.

 

I'm afraid that I will lose her friendship and lose her altogether and it's mostly my fault. I cannot help but feel wretched because I didn't ask to fall for her like this, hell, I wasn't looking to feel for any woman with the intensity that I feel for her. I'm positively sure that if she wasn't married I would have no problem in leaving all my dignity aside and even beg on my knees for her to give me a chance.

 

I've already stooped so low once (I scared myself thinking about it afterwards) to kind of be a stalker: I went to the park one Sunday afternoon, because I remembered her mentioning that she would be taking her daughter there to play if the weather was fine. All that just because I couldn't wait until the next day to see her at the office... and I met her in the park... and her daughter... and seing how great they are together and how they love each other, it made my heart just melt and it made it even worse... and I would go home thinking how stupid I was to try seeing her outside work and that I should never do that again.

 

And in trying to keep that promise, I even began skipping company gym hours on the evenings when I find out that she is going there. It's really getting the guys at work annoyed that they cannot understand why they can't count on me because I can't seem to make a plan about this and stick with it... I've started acting even more out of character and took up smoking again after a 2 years break, just to do something to calm down my nerves but I'm trying to keep that as low as possible and eventually quit again when I'm more stable.

 

And unfortunately changing workplaces is just out of the question for both of us, I've moved to this city specifically for this job and we both got the best jobs available here and especially in these times...

 

I'm getting so pathetic I feel like smacking myself every time I think of it and I just couldn't make myself talk about it with no one else about her and this situation because I know beforehand what kind of replies I would get: either to go for it, it's many a man's dream to get with an older woman, just imagine how much I'd have to learn... or... to get my mind out of my pants, remember that not only she's married but she has a kid and I could be the cause of incommensurable damage, so just get over it as soon as I can. While I would agree with the latter, it doesn't present me any actual solutions for how to get it out of my system, but the people I know who would serve me this version would surely offer me a generous helping of criticism, cynism and then some pity...

 

I'm already aware that I cannot be the one to step up and mess her marriage, it just goes against how I was raised by my family in high consideration of family values. My parents are still together after 25 years and clearly care deeply about each other and hopefully I'll have that in my life too someday.

 

I cannot believe the length of my ramble here, that's why I couldn't talk to any of my friends about this, any of them would've fallen asleep or slam the door in my face half way through it. Bottom line conclusion is: I know I should probably act mature about it and not wait like a thief in the dark for her moment of weakness when she'd throw herself at me (although I must admit I've dreamt about this many times) and just not wait for anything but come forth and talk to her about what's happening to our friendship. Possibly come up with a big apology to make her understand that I'm not the dickhead she might think me to be sometimes.

 

And though I'm well aware that I should man up and do this, I have little to no clue about how I should I put this across in words. It's that difficult because we haven't really had serious talks outside work-related stuff (except maybe that one), we just like to keep it light, so I just can't think of how I should start this talk... I mean I don't want to sound too serious about it and completely scare her off, but not turn into a shallow-ass blab either....

 

So any suggestions would be welcome and thanks for sticking with me so far if you have!

Edited April 15, 2011 by rbtnylander

[BiscuitXOXO]

Don't make an apology, don't blow it out of proportion. You didn't do anything; you have feelings but you haven't really acted on them yet.

 

I would say to not interfere anymore. Even if her marriage isn't good, it's her issue, not yours.

 

Stop writing about her. Stop thinking about her. Buy a puzzle and do it, or pick up another hobby. It might be hard at work, but force yourself to not think about her that way. Don't go out of your way to talk to her, but don't go out of your way to avoid her either. Eventually feelings will fade, even if it seems like they never will.

 

...at least that's the objective way of looking at it...

 

What your heart feels is a completely different story. Best of luck to you.

[lovingwhatis]

Wow, thank you for writing such a sincere, heartfelt, sweet post, the best ive read on LS, i laughed a lot and really feel for you at the same time! Its really good that your intuition said not to put this in the OW/M forum, for that place is ruthless.

 

Sounds like you are in love, and the ratiinal approach to this would be as useful as putting a sack of potatoes on your head... Here is my (romantic) advice for you. The only chance for this to be well is if she wakes up and decides that her M is over. It can happen. She sounds like an absolutely lovely woman. If she is honest w herself, and what you perceived from her is true, it may happen.

 

Otherwise , this may be a very rude awakening for you. From the way you express yourself, sounds like you've not been in love a lot, and this is shaking your world. I have a few thoughts on love in general for you, but will write more later as i have someplace to go.

 

Thanks again for sharing this, it would bring me joy to try to help you, though i won't lie to you, you are in very precarious situation right now.

 

Till soon!

[rbtnylander]

Sounds like you are in love, and the ratiinal approach to this would be as useful as putting a sack of potatoes on your head...

 

Thanks, I can agree with that...

However, I keep getting in my mind a saying from my mother tongue that goes smth. like 'your're trying to get drunk on plain cold water'... That's because I see 2 things clearly: 1- she cares for her daughter more than she cares for anyone else in her life and 2 - she is willing to go to great lengths to provide the best conditions for her to have the happiest childhood possible. That includes making up excuses for why her father is distant, mostly absent. Overall she's painting her girl's world in much rosier colours than it's the case, only because she doesn't want her to worry about anything. She is really sacrificing herself for her girl and although I don't really know if I could do the same were I in her shoes, I cannot help but admire her for this.

 

Now it just seems too far-fetched to think about her deciding to end things with her husband. And although I'm sure I'd do everything in my power to help and assist her through it, I'm not sure right now she'd see me as a good influence on her daughter ... I find the strentgh of her relationship with her daughter quite intimidating since prior to knowing her I hadn't even given much thought to children, parenting and things related... Not that I have anything against it, I just didn't see myself in that position anytime soon.

 

Anyhow, what's happened so far (and what's ongoing) keeps bringing changes to my perspective on things and I can't seem to just be able to say I got it right and I know how I'll go about it from here on...

 

My relationship with her has definitely not been going in the right way lately and it's ALL because I keep screwing up... Not only I've not been the good friend I was to her, but I've even been plain rude or inconsiderate in a few occasions for fear that she would get too close and things would get weird... Things got weird anyway but at least not in that way...

 

One major screw-up was last week, when everyone in the office got e-mailed from management about a dance class being arranged for our company, if only there are enough of us interested. We were supposed to reply the same day or next at the latest with our name and the name of our partner. I remembered talking to her about this around Xmas party when word about the class first went around, she was quite excited at the prospect and I'd said I would join in if she did.

 

I didn't think she'd remember, but she did and I was caught completely off-guard when she came by my desk and said 'so I guess we have a real chance at working on our dance skills'... I normally would've been more than excited that she would consider me first as her partner, but all that rung in my mind then was 'you - close to her: wrong, wrong, wrong!'

So I said something stupid like 'that's great for you' and then of all the excuses I could find, I mentioned a photograpy course I'd been interested in but never received any news about it, but I said they scheduled it at the exact same hour as the dance class...

To make it even worse and less credible, a co-worker heard me mention the photo course and asked excitedly how come I have news of it starting, as she signed up for it too and didn't get e-mailed...

 

So I just looked like a jerk (and felt the same) because she is not stupid and I could see that she understood I was trying to get away from it and pretty badly... She said it's ok, she'll try to find someone else for partner, but she looked very disappointed and it really broke my heart.

 

Then came yesterday, when I spent lunch break with 2 guys from the office. They said 2 things that messed me up for the rest of the day and I kind of took it out on her (all for the wrong reasons). First, one of the guys said smth like I should ask V (I'll call her that) for a work-related favor, because I get along with her best in the office. But then, he said let's forget it since he's seen we're not as friendly to each other as we were before. Then, the other said maybe it's all for the better, because it had been like that for kind of long and people had started to talk and, well, one thing can lead to another and for what he knows of her husband, that could be a terrible idea... I told them not to worry, it's nothing like that, but I just couldn't believe my ears that, at this point, rumours of an affair were already floating...

 

But that wasn't the only bad news. One of the guys said that on saturday I'd passed by him in the mall and I was with a hot girl. He was having lunch and I didn't notice him, so he joked that I was too head-over-heels to see him. When I said it's not the case, he asked if she wasn't my gf and I told him that it's more of a fwb situation... He then said that he knows it's none of his business but since we're pals, he should let me know a few things about that girl, in case I want to make plans with her. It turns out his brother dated the girl until 2 years ago and had serious plans, but, in short, she proved pretty much a skank, was a manipulative liar and tried to even con him out of some money.

 

The whole lunch talk left me with a feeling of being kicked in the guts, not that I care about gossip or the others' opinion of my personal life, but it was the bitter realization that I'm not in the place I would want to be in my life.

I couldn't concentrate much on work for the remaining hours and I just wanted to go home.

Last Sunday it was Easter here and the next day she and 2 other girls have a long-going tradition of bringing homemade food to the office. So she sent all the people in the room an e-mail invitation to feel free and grab some cake in the kitchen when they wanted to. I didn't feel like it, then at the end of the hours she sent me a short e-mail that she managed to put aside some cakes for me and hid them in a box in the fridge. I didn't reply to her e-mail, I forgot to drop by the kitchen and I didn't even go by her desk on my way out to say bye or anything and all because I was in the crappiest mood since I can remember......

 

Today I saw the consequences and I really fear that I've messed it up pretty bad this time... She politely said 'good morning' when I came into the office, but no smile, then she went to lunch with some other colleagues without even throwing a look in my direction for the rest of the day.

 

I know very well I was an a** and want to kick my own butt for not being mature enough to handle all this better, because the one thing I feared most is what I see happening right before my eyes: I'm losing our friendship and even if I manage to get rid of my terrible crush on her, there would be nothing left between the 2 of us... I feel that this whole situation is making me age 3 times quicker than normal and I'm starting to be desperate about finding ways to escape it physically.

 

I've read some posts on the same issue here on LS and the only recurrent recommendation seems to be going NC for a while, if at all possible... I cannot go on holiday until august so my only hope would be that the management finds me suitable for a temporary re-location at the company's branch in China, hopefully for the longest period which is usually 3 mths (hopefully enough time to clear my mind up).

But with my relatively short work-experience and time in the company (not to mention how I've been dragging my work lately) I think this would be nothing short of a miracle...

 

BiscuitXOXO, trust me, I tried following your advice, I really did. And even if I wrote another novel of a post, believe me, I didn't write even a tenth of what I could have and for the rest have really struggled keeping thoughts of her out of my mind. I know that to people who come on LS looking for useful answers to their problems, what I write might seem no more useful than watching a Twilight movie, but I guess I'm just that selfish and see this as a kind of therapy and hopefully the only kind I'll have to take to get through this.

[lovingwhatis]

Rbtnylander,

 

I find your posts to be a lot better than a "Twilight" movie. I just like the way you express yourself and your emotions, and it really causes me to empathize. And just so you know, LS is a place where people get advice, not just try to be supportive of others, so the fact that you are writing here is totally understandable. If I were you, I'd look into some books to really help with all this too, since you are saying that therapy is not for you.

 

I'll tell you my view straight, please don't take it the wrong way, but this is what I see based on the grand total of my life experiences. It is good that you see that this is a crush, and are differentiating love from your current feelings towards V. It is not to say that crushes are bad, but they are imo sort of like a stepping stone to self discovery, and discovering the love that is real. I just posted something on this topic on another thread, and don't want to go too much into this here, but ill just ask you to really find ways to examine what love is to you, what self-love is, and whether selfishness is really love. In our culture(don't know where you are, but sounds similar to the culture I am in), I feel there are a lot of misconceptions of love. We want to "feel" something, we want to be treated certain way, we want things out of the other. It is not inherently wrong, but it is not "love" per se.

 

Your experience now is deep and will probably change you for the better if you let it, but know that what it is now is sort of like an illusion. Its happening to show you something underneath. So right now you are floundering during this test. You are experiencing insecurity and it is even causing you to act so foolishly, in ways you don't even want. That's the insecurity coming out. There is something deeper and more real under this insecurity but you haven't gotten to it yet. Don't berate yourself for it, it is part of the life experience. If you really raise to the challenge here, which is basically to experience what its like to want something and not be able to get it, you will become more refined, more gentler, and in tune with life for the future.

 

Basically treat this as an opportunity to grow as a human being. This way you can be empowered to really withstand this situation, and trust me, there will be good things coming out of it. Not good as in being with her, but good as in you liking yourself and loving yourself more.

[hativelchas]

I'm a wife and a mother too so I can relate to the OP's interest's situation in the way that I've also had an experience of a younger co-worker crushing on me.

I was good friends with the guy first but then I started sensing changes from his part. As much as I wanted to be friends with him it was too difficult and frankly I even thought he was starting to loathe me. At some point he threw a fit and said some hurtful things about my husband and my poor judgment. He sincerely apologized after awhile but it was never the same and I was so disappointed that it had turned out like that.

That's why I was happy to see that you've handled yourself better so far and I truly appreciate your more sensible behavior in this situation.

 

I can understand that it's a hard time for you, the feeling of physical and emotional chemistry with a person is not an easy one to dismiss. But, no matter how bad you feel at times stop giving yourself misery for this, cause I don't think you should blame urself, but mostly whatever comes, please DON'T make professional or personal decisions based on your feelings. This is the only thing I'm asking you to be rational about.

 

One thing got my attention though: the next day after you ignored her, she did the same back to you... Imo this is not a very mature way of handling this, I think as a real friend she should've come to check on you to see if you're ok, or if something bad happened to you that made you be like that; that's what I would've done. But I'm just saying, I don't know xactly what your relation is like or what she's really like, sorry if I'm misjudging her.

You keep saying that you want to be friends with her, that you think she'd be a great friend to you... I'm not much older than you but, in my little experience I found that sometimes even a little bit of attraction can distort your image of a person and make you see them for more/other than they are...

 

I think you do need a good friend, someone different than what you've had so far, you need to become less superficial in your relation to people and maybe then you'll achieve a higher level of emotional connection with them.

And on the lines of lovingwhatis said, you can really grow as a person if you make the right choices in this. You've already started realizing that you're not in a satisfying position in your life, that you need something different to be happy and began looking past some of your previous misconceptions of women. So see?

I'd love to have a miracle solution to guickly help you out of the rough spot, but since there's none available, just hang in there, you've done nothing wrong so far so I trust that with a lot of patience from your part, everything will be better once the feelings will subside. They eventually will.

And keep updating

Edited April 30, 2011 by hativelchas

[lovingwhatis]

I'd love to have a miracle solution to guickly help you out of the rough spot, but since there's none available, just hang in there, you've done nothing wrong so far so I trust that with a lot of patience from your part, everything will be better once the feelings will subside. They eventually will.

And keep updating

 

I very much agree with this. Yes, have patience. Very well put, hativelchas!

[NoMagicBullet]

OP, you may feel terrible right now, but I think you're doing the right thing. You're very aware of your feelings for her, the professional and personal risks, and are dealing with it in the best way possible. You may feel bad about losing the friendship and not being a good friend to her, but with the intense feelings you are experiencing, you can't "just be friends" with her -- it's far too painful for you to be close to her. Also, the risk in trying to maintain a friendship is that the two of you could slip and become more than friends, with disastrous results for many people, not just the two of you.

 

But you already know this, and you are doing what you can to keep your distance. Ultimately, this is the most respectful thing you can do for her and yourself.

 

Hang in there, and keep being the good friend by not being the good friend. (Hope that last part makes sense.)

[rbtnylander]

Thanks again for your input my sympathetic confidants, I sincerely appreciate your thoughtfulness and interest in my situation.

And I really wish life didn't feed anymore reasons for me to come seek your advice here... but it did again... I've just re-read my prev posts here and... oh man!... I realised I sound so whiny in then, it got me seriously worried. To someone who only knows me through these posts, this is the strongest impression they would get of me and it is just wrong... No wonder that of all who read this thread, only you 3 took the time to reply.

That besides the tedious lenghts of my posts, but I'm such a detail freak when it comes to her that I just can't help it...

 

Back to the subject... After a while, it seems that we've managed to patch things up (me and V) and I might actually still have a going at being her friend. Well, actually she did the decisive work in this, so I don't really have anything to congratulate myself on...

So, this week our company signed a contract with a very important client, they wanted to celebrate it so they decided to pay an evening out in the town to all departments involved in getting the contract. The party was yesterday evening at a private club downtown, it was fun in the beginning (as much fun as it would be when she was still ignoring me like she'd been doing for more than a week), but then, as usual, the boozing started, I'm rarely up for that and certainly not with people from work, so I contemplated just taking off, but I decided to go out for a smoke first and just wait a while, then see what I'd do.

After a couple of minutes, she and a few other girls from work stumbled out for fresh air, all laughs'n giggles and they stopped when noticing my pitiable (and smoky) presence in the corner of the terrace. They all seemed shocked at the sight of me smoking, said they never thought I did that because they didn't see me smoking at work, then expressed their concern for me and revolt against the habit and bla-bla, then went back inside.

 

As I was lighting my 2nd cig, she came out alone this time, sat next to me and tried to break the ice in fun with questions like 'are you rebelling against the healthy-fit-centered cult that's big at our workplace now' or 'pulling vampire swagger now or what?' (she remembered I said I was born in Transylvania... impressive!). Seeing that it wasn't really working (it was weird that she was trying to joke around after giving me the cold shoulder for almost 2 weeks) she went straight on to apologise for not being a real friend in need and for chickening out when I looked like I needed someone to talk to... I was surprised but I said that it's ok and she doesn't owe me anything, to which she told me 'don't be like that' and that she promises to be ready to listen and willing to advise on whatever trouble I might have... Of course I couldn't just go ahead and say that being crazy about her had been my biggest problem this year, so I unwillingly told her a bit about the situation with the girl I've been seeing...

It didn't seem to faze her, she just looked happy that we were talking again even though it was strange that we were talking about some very personal stuff all of a sudden.

 

She had another surprise in store for me today, at work. In the morning, right after I arrived at the office and was getting my coffee, she sort of cornered me in the kitchen and looking all in a rush, she asked me if I had made plans for saturday. When I said not really, she was relieved and she went on to ask me a favour: in the weekend she needs me to help her shop and put together a desktop PC as a surprise-gift for her little sister's visit and she cannot do this by herself because her husband is out of town.

 

It doesn't sound like much but I was just surprised that it's the first time she specifically asked to see me outside of work, I know I was trying to avoid this, but I just couldn't refuse her... After all she was the one to extend the olive branch so that's the least I could do...

I'm not reading into it or inflating the significance at all, I mean everyone has asked or accepted to do a favour without having ulterior motives, especially friends... that's what they're for, right?

 

I'm just trying to keep a good head on my shoulders here, you would tell me if I was not, wouldn't you?

[NoMagicBullet]

... she went on to ask me a favour: in the weekend she needs me to help her shop and put together a desktop PC as a surprise-gift for her little sister's visit and she cannot do this by herself because her husband is out of town.

 

It doesn't sound like much but I was just surprised that it's the first time she specifically asked to see me outside of work, I know I was trying to avoid this, but I just couldn't refuse her... After all she was the one to extend the olive branch so that's the least I could do...

I'm not reading into it or inflating the significance at all, I mean everyone has asked or accepted to do a favour without having ulterior motives, especially friends... that's what they're for, right?

 

I'm just trying to keep a good head on my shoulders here, you would tell me if I was not, wouldn't you?

 

Oh, this does not look good. Maybe there are no ulterior motives on her part, but this is too suspicious.

 

How is it that her husband being out of town just happens to coincide with her needing to set up a computer for her sister's visit? Why didn't she get help from her husband before he left, or why can't she get help after he comes back? Why does she need a computer as a surprise gift for her visiting sister instead of something she doesn't need help with? Why is she asking you, when she could easily rely on help from the sales associates (many places these days offer help in setting up electronics, too)?

 

I don't know what her motives are, and she might not be that clear on them herself. I suspect she likes the attention she gets from you, along with the attraction vibe -- I'm sure she can sense it from you. Whether or not she has romantic feelings for you, or if she might be looking for some fun outside her marriage, or if she doesn't even know yet what she wants to do about you... this invitation to see her outside of work while her husband is gone is sending off alarm bells in my head.

 

If it was for this weeknd, then you may not read this message until afterward. If not, then I hope you'll reconsider and stay away from her. Because what we do know is

1) you have romantic feelings for her, and

2) she's married with a child.

 

By trying to "be friends" with her -- and let's be honest, part of you wants to be more than friends -- you are putting yourself at risk of becoming the Other Man (OM). Some people have no problem being the OM/OW and even wear that badge proudly, despite the condemnation they get for it -- and there is condemnation, lots of it. Much more than what the cheating spouse gets, from what I've seen. And the ups and downs of affairs and the emotional damage they do to all involved (including the OW/OM)... well, read some of the threads on these LS boards:

Infidelity

The Other Man/Woman

 

You need to decide if you really want to risk the drama, personally & professionally, and maybe even possible physical harm from the husband (he could also hurt her or their child). You already said there were rumors at your workplace about the two of you. How much could this "friendship" cost you in the long term: your professional career, your finances, your reputation, your self respect, your happiness and emotional well-being? And that's just to start with.

 

Just an example of it going badly: I knew a man who had an affair with a married woman. She ended up getting pregnant by him. She decided to keep the baby, stay with her husband, and break things off with her lover. But not before they tried to sue him for child support. I don't know what happened after that, but I can guarantee there was no friendship left between the two of them.

[rbtnylander]

Ok, so this was one busy weekend.

 

Saturday morning till noon we've spent going through computer shops looking for and buying the computer parts (V already had a clear idea on what her sister would want so she was determined to be as picky as if she was choosing her wedding dress or something). That combined with me not agreeing on some of her choices made the chase for parts longer than it should have.

 

Around lunch time she had to go to her mother-in-law to pick up her daughter and she was having lunch there, so I got myself lunch in town. After that we met up and went to her house, to start work on the PC. It took me a few hours, I didn't manage to finish it the same day, it was getting late and the girl was getting restless, so V said we should call it a day and take her daughter for an evening walk so that she'd sleep better. They practically walked me over to my place, then hurried back cause it was starting to get dark.

 

I took her old main unit home to test it with my home PC and try fixing it, did that all Sunday morning, then went back to V's house to put it into place and get the thing running. That done, she was very happy and grateful and said lunch was the least she could offer me as a sign of gratitude. I accepted, had lunch with her and her daughter and then something else came up. She mentioned that she wants to take her daughter to an opera show in the evening, but there's a problem with the parking lot being around the block, a few obscure alleys away from the entry, so she is afraid of having to return alone with her daughter from the show when it's already dark outside.

I felt that I should offer to pick them up in that case, then she said I could come see the show with them if I didn't have other plans and didn't hate the idea... I said why not... and so I went back home, got dressed in something a bit more formal than t-shirt & jeans and met them at the opera house in the evening. Just came back from driving them home.

 

Oh and the reason why she's not getting all that help from her husband is that he's abroad for all this month taking a course for some certificate.

 

I can't say I have mixed feelings about this weekend, as atypical as it was, I didn't mind spending it doing things for her and her daughter and together with them at the same time. It was a change from the usual anyways and I was curious to see how she'd act outside of work environment. And it didn't surprise me that she is not as collected and graceful as she manages to be at work, she can be downright klutzy sometimes. Not that this is bad, but it somehow helps me learn to see her more as a friend than the image of near-perfection that I had of her in my head based on our office interraction.

 

I actually got to talk about her to an old friend of mine (well, not exactly talked about her, but told him that I'm falling for a married co-worker and need some advice) because I knew he had previously had some (similar to an extent) experience with a MW. He had an interesting take on the situation: he said it helped him a lot to spend more time with her just as friends (l.b.m's implied but he was too addicted to her, so he took whatever she was giving him) because in time the attraction faded as both stood their grounds. But that is of course a project to be taken only if my resolve is strong and it should be abandoned at the first signs of weakness.

 

Guess my conclusion after this weekend is that it is still definitely only my issue to deal with and I still cannot find her any blame for it. I mean she's kept it purely platonic, I didn't get any flirty vibes from her and she's kept a safe distance from me at all times. Chemistry/attraction aside, she's got all it takes to make a great friend: I love how she thinks, how she sees things and I love how she sees me. Essentially, when my mind doesn't swim in murky waters, I feel just great being with her and that's kinda the most important condition when choosing a friend, isn't it?

I can't really suspect her of using me to feel lusted for or something, it's not like I've been drooling all over her... quite the contrary, lately I've kept myself in check and didn't say/do anything suggestive, at least not on purpose...

And yes, I have considered the implications of an affair with her (actually had nightmares about her husband coming for me & her after finding out we've messed around) and I don't find the OM status appealing either... If I were to try and cut contact with her altogether, she'd probably ask me for an explanation and no matter how I'd try to put it, it would still basically sound something like "V, you're great&all, but you see, I'm just a d***head who can't stop wanting to get in your pants"...

As for now, I can't bring myself to shut her out... or maybe just hope I won't to have to do it... cause I know that's the only sane thing left to do if she ever decides to turn the tables on me.

 

So there, I've overanalyzed it again, hopefully just for venting purposes this time too, sorry for the junkfull of c.r.a.p. again if that's the case.

Have a good week everyone!

[TurningTables]

Hi. Well..I laughed and cried reading your thread. It seems to me you have three different options:

1. Break it off. Its going to hurt and you are going to be miserable for awhile. But after some time has passed, things will get better.

 

2. Tell her how you feel. You must be prepared for her reaction though.You have to know that she may react in a negetative way..then you will feel..like I said in the Number 1 option.

 

3. Wait it out. You also must know that you may be passing up another great opportunity waiting for her. You must decided whether or not this is the right thing and way for you.

 

I really feel for you. Its hard when you want someone that has no clue. Situtations sometimes can be tough. Meeting the right person at the wrong time. Then again, I think everyone comes into our lives for a reason. Some stay and some just in passing.Each serving their purpose and us learning a life's lesson from the experience. Good Luck to you. I look forward to reading the rest of the story and hope it ends well.