Finally did the NC message like you guys said :-(

So I did it I took your advice.. I finally told him I can no longer be friends with him..

What actually drove me to be brave is because we planned to go the cinema yesterday so it would of given me the chance to say the NC face to face (even though I might not of) but he suddenly blew me off on the day because 'we shouldnt see each other often' and that was it for me.

Our convo went like this:

Me in reply to his let down: 'Ya know what im not gonna bother anymore. We planned this for a while and I really wanted to go and see it and not just to hang with you but now after sex you say no. I dont wanna go another time as i'm done with this now. For good. No more meetings and talking to each other, I can't be friends with you and never will be, just post my jewellary and dont bother with the necklace. I mean it.

Ex: ':(:(:( you donts need to be like that...'

Me: 'So what do I need to be like then?'

Ex: 'Well just how we have been really. Obviously not meeting up often tho, I dont want us to not be friends :-( xxxx'

Me: 'What like just txting and having sex you mean? Benefits of a relationship without the commitment? Ive told you before friends dont have feelings for each other.'

Ex: 'You really donts want to hear from me or see me ever again thens?? :-(:-( xxxx'

Me: 'No. You are not friends with your other exs so there isn't anything different with me. I think it's time for me to let go of you now. We have been going round in circles and I can't move on. I want to be more than just friends so being just that is too hard so it's over. I can't speak to you again.'

And that is it I had no reply... Nothing has settled in yet so im not feeling the upsetness or me wanting to txt him or anything. I guess in a couple of days I will feel like crap huh? :-(

I regret it :-(

And that is it I had no reply... Nothing has settled in yet so im not feeling the upsetness or me wanting to txt him or anything. I guess in a couple of days I will feel like crap huh? :-(

 

I regret it :-(

What do you regret?

I regret saying to not be friends anymore and not contacting again :-(

What's the alternative?

You remain friends but in the form of "friends with benefits". There's much more to being friends than just that. If he really wanted your friendship and all the qualities you have as a person, he could have said, "I'd love to have your friendship. I really value you as a person. Hopefully one day when you have healed, I'd really like to have you in my life again." That will come from someone who really wants to be friends and understands the meaning of "friends" without wanting anything more. Did he say that? No. So, what is your/his definition of "friends" aside from having sex here and there? You are friends under the guise of getting booty here and there. That's not a friend or a true friendship.

As for not contacting again, what was the depth of your contact? Was it only when it's time to hook up? Or was it truly contact in the form of basic care or concern without any hidden agenda?

If you can see how shallow it is to be "friends" and to have "contact" with someone who only needs you, to hang out and fulfill a need, you will start to realize that you deserve so much more. You can keep being his doormat or his supplier, or you can bite the bullet, start seeing this situation for what it really is and move on to bigger and better. Don't settle.

The truth is: doing the right thing always feels like regret....until it sinks in days/weeks or months later.

That's why people go back and forth so much...happened to me too...you don't want to be "mean", you still have "hope", you don't want to be the bad person, you don't want to "close the door forever" etc. So you drag out the back and forth, usually with you as the dumpee feeling used and abused as you're giving this other person everything they want while you're not getting anything you want. Then eventually they are the ones who stop it all together and you feel stupid like you should have cut it off earlier OR it naturally just falls apart OR you are the one who eventually has to cut it off after realizing it is taking a toll on you and you're not healing.

So yea....what you did was the right thing and eventually it will sink in.

The truth is: doing the right thing always feels like regret....until it sinks in days/weeks or months later.

 

That's why people go back and forth so much...happened to me too...you don't want to be "mean", you still have "hope", you don't want to be the bad person, you don't want to "close the door forever" etc. So you drag out the back and forth, usually with you as the dumpee feeling used and abused as you're giving this other person everything they want while you're not getting anything you want. Then eventually they are the ones who stop it all together and you feel stupid like you should have cut it off earlier OR it naturally just falls apart OR you are the one who eventually has to cut it off after realizing it is taking a toll on you and you're not healing.

 

 

So yea....what you did was the right thing and eventually it will sink in.

Amen! I was that person not so long ago. Am I glad I woke up! I painted the situation every which was possible to make it work for me, even if it meant settling for literally nothing.

Amen! I was that person not so long ago. Am I glad I woke up! I painted the situation every which was possible to make it work for me, even if it meant settling for literally nothing.

Isn't that the SAD and horrible truth!

You will rationalize and twist and turn reality so it doesn't seem "that bad" and subject yourself to soooooo much ill treatment. For what? Nothing...because any hint of affection or "love" is usually all in your mind anyway as this person makes it CLEAR they do not desire you in that way and are simply TAKING from you and never giving. But you somehow think it is okay...you jump at every chance to "hang out", every text, every call...no matter the disrespect...you can forgive it It is soo sickening and I refuse to ever be "that girl" again.

It is clear that when you do that, you value this person so much more than yourself and on some subconscious level feel like that ridiculous excuse for love and affection is something you need...smh...when you develop self love 1. You no longer attract such people and scenarios and 2. You NEVER subject yourself to such belittling situations. Once it shows up you have the resolve to kick it out and not look back!

I applaud the exes/dumpers who apply No Contact and move on from the dumpee....harsh as it may feel at the time it shows more respect and care for that person than to allow them to chase you and then you pretend to care and accept sex, gifts, etc knowing they want you more than you want them. SMH!

I'd rather say we can't be friends and leave you alone...then apologize months or years later or try to reconcile the friendship then than to spend months out of my life chasing you, paying you to sleep with me basically etc for what???? NOTHING because that is not love or even like.

It is really so sad how much of ourselves we completely devalue just to have some scraps to validate what we think and believe is love. Love doesn't feel that way. Love doesn't make you run yourself ragged. It doesn't make you suffer. It doesn't make you scurry when a crumb is extended. It doesn't make you lower yourself to being an object for someone. It doesn't make you question your worth.

I refuse to be that girl again too. While what happened to me was devastating, it was a lesson that I needed to learn. Never again.

It is really so sad how much of ourselves we completely devalue just to have some scraps to validate what we think and believe is love. Love doesn't feel that way. Love doesn't make you run yourself ragged. It doesn't make you suffer. It doesn't make you scurry when a crumb is extended. It doesn't make you lower yourself to being an object for someone. It doesn't make you question your worth.

 

I refuse to be that girl again too. While what happened to me was devastating, it was a lesson that I needed to learn. Never again.

Indeed! Would never want to repeat it and cringe at it...BUT I had to learn firsthand so that I could grow and dig within myself, so that I can confidently assert that I will never be that girl again.

I had that happen to me as well a few years ago. I took every single crumb I could in some vain hope he would come back... I mostly felt dirty really, everytime we had sex... He wouldn't even kiss me!! And I knew it was wrong and at some point I didn't even had any hope of getting back together, but just couldn't let go... I guess I was just in a bad place, bored with my job, not being able to reconnect with my friends and feeling that I didn't deserve better.

Fortunately at some point I changed jobs, started going out with new people and kinda clicked that I didn't need him. I didn't go NC exactly, but I stopped having the urge to call him and just got over him!

And I never want to be that person again. It was ugly and demeaning and just made me feel horrible.

I will never be that girl again.

Congrats on starting NC

There's nothing much to regret, just move on and be happy again