feelinghopeless Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 my ex and i broke up 2 months ago, and these two months have honestly been the most difficult time of my life. my ex and i loved each other very very much and even so at the time of break up. our love life was a bit complicated in the sense that it was never really a normal relationship in the traditional sense. my ex was a bulimic, and i found this out while dating her. i gave all of myself to her to support her, to love her, and to encourage her in every way possible. we were together for 2 years, and we only fought twice, once around the one year mark and the second time, I brought up the idea of breaking up. she was always looking for meaning in life, looking for things to cling on to, and for a long time it was me. she found no meaning in life and would often break down randomly and cry. she became a bulimic after her ex (before me) cheated on her and she would always tell me that she would never understand how with all her problems, i could love her the way i did... i moved to break up because i was getting really hurt. we went on long distance shortly after graduating from college, and we survived 8 months of it, but i felt that she was changing so much so quickly. she found a job and was on a rotation program - her first rotation was 1/2 way across the country and i was completely supportive. at first she was sad to go and told me she would try her hardest to be next to me, and i promised her the same. throughout our relationship, there were many things i could not understand but i always kept it to myself or just tolerated with regards to her because i saw her as a fragile crystal ball, i didn't want to overstress her or hurt her because it would drive her into a binge/purge cycle. the final straw came when after a month at her new rotation, she started distancing herself from me. we used to webcam maybe once or twice a week, and it that stopped. we never talked on the phone much because she didn't like having a phone around and saw it more as a shackle so phone was never a big part of our relationship - i wasn't okay with that but i accepted it. our main communication was via chat, and that progressively got worse as i would IM her and wait 20 minutes for her to respond. i finally approached her about it, saying i felt we were distancing and she told me she loved me so much that it hurted her to be so far away and basically kind of told me that she didn't want to try too hard because if she tries too hard and give up to much, she might regret in the future and become bitter. she wanted to go out and see the world and she wanted to fix herself and learn to love herself before she could love someone else. this hurt me really badly because i was trying so hard - i booked 3 tickets over 6 months to go see her but she made no initiative to come see me and told me that me doing so much for her made her feel guilty and was suffocating her - i blew up, and i moved to break up. she accepted it, and i was hurting so bad i tried getting back with her again - long story short she emailed me saying she really does love me and thinks that it's just better for us to grow independently. i basically read this as she really wanted to go and fix herself. i always thought her bulimia was getting better but i found out towards the end that she was lying to me over and over again and would even put on an entire act to lie to me. i knew she had issues but after one time when she put on a 1/2 an hour act and even got my roommate involved, i realized what she was capable of in terms of lying to hide bulimia from me. i know bulimia is a pyschological disorder and very difficult to treat and people with these problems are often insecure, have low self esteem - and she was all of that, she would push me away time and time again telling me she wasn't worth it and that i shouldn't put myself through all of that.... it's been 2 months...i tried getting bak with her the first 3 weeks because i was so hurt because i loved her so much. i moved to break up because i could see her distancing from me and i knew i would get more hurt, but i wanted to get bak because i just loved her. i know my decision to break up initially wasn't completely emotional as i did think through it and i recognize now that it might be better for both of us - i just want to know how to move on. i'm a medical student and the amount of work is utterly ridiculous at times. i gave so much of myself to her as was willing to sacrifice going into specific specialties to be next to her (which bothered her because she didn't want me to give up so much for her)...i'm inundated with school work, research...but i can't get my mind off of her....i'm still down/depressed after 2 months, and wondering where the end of the tunnel is... anyone have any advice? dealing with the break up and dealing with the pressures of med school is killing me.
Hopeless Girl Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 my ex and i broke up 2 months ago, and these two months have honestly been the most difficult time of my life. my ex and i loved each other very very much and even so at the time of break up. our love life was a bit complicated in the sense that it was never really a normal relationship in the traditional sense. my ex was a bulimic, and i found this out while dating her. i gave all of myself to her to support her, to love her, and to encourage her in every way possible. we were together for 2 years, and we only fought twice, once around the one year mark and the second time, I brought up the idea of breaking up. she was always looking for meaning in life, looking for things to cling on to, and for a long time it was me. she found no meaning in life and would often break down randomly and cry. she became a bulimic after her ex (before me) cheated on her and she would always tell me that she would never understand how with all her problems, i could love her the way i did... i moved to break up because i was getting really hurt. we went on long distance shortly after graduating from college, and we survived 8 months of it, but i felt that she was changing so much so quickly. she found a job and was on a rotation program - her first rotation was 1/2 way across the country and i was completely supportive. at first she was sad to go and told me she would try her hardest to be next to me, and i promised her the same. throughout our relationship, there were many things i could not understand but i always kept it to myself or just tolerated with regards to her because i saw her as a fragile crystal ball, i didn't want to overstress her or hurt her because it would drive her into a binge/purge cycle. the final straw came when after a month at her new rotation, she started distancing herself from me. we used to webcam maybe once or twice a week, and it that stopped. we never talked on the phone much because she didn't like having a phone around and saw it more as a shackle so phone was never a big part of our relationship - i wasn't okay with that but i accepted it. our main communication was via chat, and that progressively got worse as i would IM her and wait 20 minutes for her to respond. i finally approached her about it, saying i felt we were distancing and she told me she loved me so much that it hurted her to be so far away and basically kind of told me that she didn't want to try too hard because if she tries too hard and give up to much, she might regret in the future and become bitter. she wanted to go out and see the world and she wanted to fix herself and learn to love herself before she could love someone else. this hurt me really badly because i was trying so hard - i booked 3 tickets over 6 months to go see her but she made no initiative to come see me and told me that me doing so much for her made her feel guilty and was suffocating her - i blew up, and i moved to break up. she accepted it, and i was hurting so bad i tried getting back with her again - long story short she emailed me saying she really does love me and thinks that it's just better for us to grow independently. i basically read this as she really wanted to go and fix herself. i always thought her bulimia was getting better but i found out towards the end that she was lying to me over and over again and would even put on an entire act to lie to me. i knew she had issues but after one time when she put on a 1/2 an hour act and even got my roommate involved, i realized what she was capable of in terms of lying to hide bulimia from me. i know bulimia is a pyschological disorder and very difficult to treat and people with these problems are often insecure, have low self esteem - and she was all of that, she would push me away time and time again telling me she wasn't worth it and that i shouldn't put myself through all of that.... it's been 2 months...i tried getting bak with her the first 3 weeks because i was so hurt because i loved her so much. i moved to break up because i could see her distancing from me and i knew i would get more hurt, but i wanted to get bak because i just loved her. i know my decision to break up initially wasn't completely emotional as i did think through it and i recognize now that it might be better for both of us - i just want to know how to move on. i'm a medical student and the amount of work is utterly ridiculous at times. i gave so much of myself to her as was willing to sacrifice going into specific specialties to be next to her (which bothered her because she didn't want me to give up so much for her)...i'm inundated with school work, research...but i can't get my mind off of her....i'm still down/depressed after 2 months, and wondering where the end of the tunnel is... anyone have any advice? dealing with the break up and dealing with the pressures of med school is killing me. the break up was best... just let her be independent forr a while for her to get herself together... thats all she needed... to be alone for a while... dont give up on the possibility u might get back together... cause u can.... but live ur life and focus on you... if u love her just let find her happiness... shell get over it and when she does shell probably call u...
optimistgirl Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 i know bulimia is a pyschological disorder and very difficult to treat and people with these problems are often insecure, have low self esteem - and she was all of that, she would push me away time and time again telling me she wasn't worth it and that i shouldn't put myself through all of that.... Feelinghopeless, It sounds like you're having a really rough time. I'm sure you want to really help her with her bulimia, but she has to want to help herself first. Someone very close to me had bulimia and it was only through several counseling sessions that she was able to beat it. Your ex may benefit from some professional help. i just want to know how to move on. i'm a medical student and the amount of work is utterly ridiculous at times. i gave so much of myself to her as was willing to sacrifice going into specific specialties to be next to her (which bothered her because she didn't want me to give up so much for her)...i'm inundated with school work, research...but i can't get my mind off of her....i'm still down/depressed after 2 months, and wondering where the end of the tunnel is... anyone have any advice? dealing with the break up and dealing with the pressures of med school is killing me. The first step in moving on is to allow yourself some time to grieve the end of the relationship. Then you have to work on acceptance--acceptance of the fact that the relationship is over. It's going to take some time...be patient with yourself. Everytime you find yourself wishing that you two were back together, put it out of your mind--immediately. It may help to write down how you're feeling in a journal. I personally know how hard it is to study when you're dealing with heartbreak because almost a month ago, I went through a breakup and I had the worst time trying to concentrate on studying for my exam that I had to take for work. It was awful...so I feel your pain, I really do. You might even try making a list of why it was best for you to break up. Look at that list everyday until you really believe it in your heart! I know it's really hard, but you have to focus on your priorities. And right now, your priority is getting through med school. By the way, if someone tells you that they're not worth it...believe 'em, because it's probably true. That's what my ex told me too. You will get through this very difficult time. Hope this helped some.
Author feelinghopeless Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 thanks for all of your input. i know my situation is a bit unique in the sense that i think bulimia defined so much of the way i treated her - i basically did not know how to act around her at times. I just wanted to make her happy to the point of losing myself and my own values. i still care a lot about her. i've come to the point of accepting that it's probably best that we are separated but i know she needs to get better. i keep thinking how she's doing and whether or not she's going binging/purging, but i know that what i should do now is to focus on myself...and my studies and getting through med school. for those of you out there, how long did it take until you were able to look back in fondness no matter what happened towards the end?
optimistgirl Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Why look back? Life keeps going and we all have to keep moving forward and not get stuck in the past. To be honest, I don't think I've ever had a relationship that I looked back on in fondness. Those relationships ended for a reason...not to say that there weren't good times, but the bad outweiged the good. I think time allows us to look back with a clear head and to grasp why the relationship was unsuccessful.
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