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Posted

Though I'm still not in a relationship, I was wondering about this.

 

I'm best friends with my ex BF... the man I both lost my V-card to and fell in the love for the first time.... so all was happening at once.

 

We will not stop contacting each other and sometimes still talk about the past.... how he still has me in his heart and back to present. I guess there is a spark left within me but I mostly see him as a brother or best friend.

 

Anyways I was wondering how would you all react to this. Would this be cheating? I'm going to respect my next relationship but will never erase my ex from my memory nor stop contacting him.... he means something to me too.

 

It seems some people don't want their SO contacting exes but they can still play a part of their lives... just as a SO but in different ways.

Posted

to tell you the truth this ruined me and my ex's relationship. A lot of the times i would be with her he would call her(and she would ignore it because she was hanging out with me, but it still bothered me) and she would text him. He lived far away and whenever he would come back in town she would go to his place and he would go over hers. It really bothered me a lot because i felt like she still had feelings for him and if he were to come back she would take him back. She would always tell me she had no feeling for him like that but it still bothered me. Idk i guess it depends on how much yall contact each other though. Also some people would understand the situation you are in, but I dont. I feel like if you have a BF or GF, contact with your ex should be very little. She would even go to her ex to talk about problems in our own relationship which really bothered me. Idk...like i said some people can deal with it but i couldnt.

Posted

but it could be that maybe i didnt have enough self confidence in myself and i thought she could fall in love with him again. it just scared me and made me uncomfortable.

  • Author
Posted

Thank you for sharing your story and sorry to hear it ended that way. I guess it would depend on the man and he would have to understand my ex is also part of my life. History is what makes me....

 

If in the end, my next BF got all upset and told me to ceased all contacts with my ex.... I still wouldn't stop talking to him.

Posted

The contact and the amount of it would bother me.. it sounds to me that you allow too much of your daily time to be consumed with your ex while you should really be spending that time with your new BF

 

Each person has a past so it isn't that an ex is in someones life that would bother me but how much of your life you would allow them to consume, that time is really beneficial to the new budding relationship

 

One thing is for sure though.. you always hold the person who you lost your V-Card to closer to your heart than other ex's..even when not in contact with them you will always think of them

 

I would say you need to cut back with the ex to almost zero when you are in a relationship.. respect the person you are spending time with..

Posted
I guess it would depend on the man and he would have to understand my ex is also part of my life. History is what makes me....

 

You won't find any men out there that will take second chair to your ex..

 

Unless you have children with this ex then there is no rational explanation that would explain the amount of contact.

Posted

I would have a BIG issue if my GF was still close friends with an ex who "still had her is his heart". Casual friends, no big problem.

 

Maybe I too am a bit insecure, but IMO my GF should be giving ME 100% of her emotional attention, not her ex BF.

Posted

If the situation was reversed and you were a guy I wouldn't even consider dating you. I don't have to waste my time with someone who can't give me their all.

Posted

Honestly this situation sounds a bit similar to one of my experiences. All in all the end result was a major waste of my time, stress, and emotional pain. If i were to come across this kind of situation again i would keep it only as a casual fwb relationship and nothing more. I wouldn't give second thought to anything else.

Posted

Its nothing wrong with being friends with your ex. But if your ex has a bigger place in your heart than any of your future BFs will have. Then it's clear how the outcome might turn out.

Posted

Anyways I was wondering how would you all react to this. Would this be cheating?

 

if I was in a committed relationhip with you, I would consider this being emotionally unfaithful, so yes, I'd consider it cheating.

 

 

I'm going to respect my next relationship but will never erase my ex from my memory nor stop contacting him

 

then you won't be respecting your next relationship. Nobody expects anyone to erase an X from memory, and nothing any committed partner of yours can do about the fondness you feel.

 

But to stay in contact with someone who still holds a special place in your heart, and vice versa IS disrespecting the current/future boyfriend.

Posted
Thank you for sharing your story and sorry to hear it ended that way. I guess it would depend on the man and he would have to understand my ex is also part of my life.

 

if you both are so enamored with each other, why don't you get back together?

 

why settle for someone else in the future when you still pine for each other?

Posted

Well, it bothers me a lot that my SO is still in contact with his ex, he clearly still loves her, thinks/talks about her, has her pictures all over the place...I don't think its fair on me personally as I feel like the third person in the relationship that is supposed to be special and unique for me. It just isnt. I'd say if you are so close then why not get back together? If not then its only fair to back off a little when you get into a new relationship, being compared to an ex is kinda tough to deal with in my experience

 

Best wishes

Katie

  • Author
Posted
if you both are so enamored with each other, why don't you get back together?

 

why settle for someone else in the future when you still pine for each other?

I'm not exactly in love with him but do see him as a life-time best friend. He is one I can confide in when there are troubles. In terms of emotional feelings, I like him but don't love him (only as a brother or good friend).

 

If we were to get back together it wouldn't really work out. He's a bit immature to be in a relationship but is great as a friend. In addition, the feelings of ''being in love'' would have to come back to me.

I know his wish would be for me to ask him back (I was the dumper) but I can't if I'm not in love with him.

 

We're both moving on but doesn't mean we have to stop talking to one another.

Posted
I'm not exactly in love with him

 

not exactly:o

  • Author
Posted
not exactly:o
It's true.. you can still have some feelings for an ex but not be ''in love''.
Posted

Here is why no future relationship for you will work out. When you love someone and you commit to being with them, you are supposed to forsake all others. You have blatantly said you will never "forsake" your ex. Therefore, you are already dooming any future relationship, because your ex will be more important than the new guy.

Posted
It's true.. you can still have some feelings for an ex but not be ''in love''.

 

but you are "not exactly in love" with him

 

either you are or you aren't.

  • Author
Posted
but you are "not exactly in love" with him

 

either you are or you aren't.

Caring and still having feelings about a past lover is different from being romantically in love. I care about him the same, I would for a brother or best friend. Why shouldn't I confide in him too?

 

See what I mean, you can love your shoes, your house, your SO, an old lover but all in different ways....

Posted
Caring and still having feelings about a past lover is different from being romantically in love. I care about him the same, I would for a brother or best friend.

 

You are totally in denial. My ex said that same thing about HIS ex, whom he refused to cease contact with even though it was hurting me on a daily basis. After I finally called him on it and dumped him, he ceased communicating with her to try and get me back. Several months later when we were together and going to therapy sessions as a couple, he admitted that he did still love his ex and was always hopeful that should he and I not work out, he'd still have a chance with her because he'd never "totally closed that door" by ceasing communication.

Posted

my last two exes cheated on me with their ex bfs so um no.

 

for the majority of people if you have exes as friends feelings are still there. I prefer next time I date my gf would not be close friends or hanging out with her ex.

  • Author
Posted
my last two exes cheated on me with their ex bfs so um no.

 

for the majority of people if you have exes as friends feelings are still there. I prefer next time I date my gf would not be close friends or hanging out with her ex.

I'm sorry to hear about that but I will not cheat on my next future BF.

It's one thing to have feelings and still care for an ex and another to go straight to cheating.

Posted
He is one I can confide in when there are troubles.

 

In other words, "He's the one I'll turn to every time we have a big argument of fall out"

 

Not many guys are going to be cool with that.

Posted
I'm sorry to hear about that but I will not cheat on my next future BF.

It's one thing to have feelings and still care for an ex and another to go straight to cheating.

 

If you have feelings for an ex and refuse to put your new bf above him, then you are having what is called an emotional affair which is just as bad as physically cheating.

Posted
In other words, "He's the one I'll turn to every time we have a big argument of fall out"

 

Not many guys are going to be cool with that.

Yep, this would bother me.

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