Steven T Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 This may be a long post but if you take the time to read you may be enlightened somehow. Over the past few weeks I have been through a lot with my first love of 3 years, who is now my ex. Over the past few weeks I have experienced extreme highs and extreme lows with our struggling relationship. I would like to share what I have learnt and gained from my experience. You're in a relationship and everything is perfect. You kiss, cuddle, make love and shower each other with gifts. You share amazing times, you experience things you thought you'd never experience, you let each other into your lives. You talk about about how you will have children and get married, basically spend the rest of your lives together. Somewhere down the line things are not as perfect as you once thought. You began to argue, or take each other for granted. You try to work it out but the problems occur and return at a later date, this begins the vicious cycle. You have an on and off relationship which lasts for a few weeks, months or even years. In a relationship you can 'break up'. People dread this but from what I have experienced this is a positive action. A break up allows you to take a step back and view the relationship from the outside rather than being in it, in the inside. We have to be honest with ourselves and take a look at the relationship. If it's time to call it a day then we have to have the courage to accept this. We cant be afraid of deciding this just because we don’t want to be alone or for that person to fill the void. Breaking up is a crucial part of a relationship. You learn from your experiences and take that experience into your next relationship. That is exactly what it is 'experience'. In a few months, or years you will find someone else. Someone you can make new memories with and have great times, until you break up again. What I am trying to get at is you don't have to be down and out once your relationship had ended. You should be happy it happened. You both should thank each other for the times you shared and wish each other well for the future. You should be happy for them to find someone who they would be more compatible with. We have to understand its OK to let someone go and for them to be happy with someone else in the future because you will do the same. So instead of trying to force a relationship work, just accept it is not meant to be. We all make mistakes in life, we learn from them, we become stronger from them. We should be excited to see what our next relationship has in store for us, instead of dwelling on what could have been in the previous relationship. You can create new memories with someone else. Yes you will still have feelings for that person. Yes you will be sad. But it's OK to be sad. Those feelings will fade. Remember if you want to get over a relationship, acceptance is the key not dwelling on what could have been. There is life after love. Steven T
Lil1 Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 I couldn't agree with you more Steven. I think it's so important to understand that love, just like any other sensation, must be experienced in moderation. Meaning we cannot smother, obsess, or try and control it. Love will come and go, learn what you can about yourself, and be open to love again. I like to believe that eventually, if you stay true to yourself and live your life with integrity, you will find a natural balance and the wisdom to have a happy and fulfilling life. It all begins with self love, you cannot get this from anyone else. My ex recently moved his things out of my apt. and it has been a very emotionally draining and heart breaking experience for me. I understand though, that to truly love him, I must let him live his life (free of guilt or anger over ending our relationship). We will both be loved and love again. I am choosing to focus on all the beautiful qualities of our relationship and choosing to have a positive outlook, have faith that my future will be brighter and these dark clouds hanging over me will eventually disappear. Hang in there Steven, you seem to be very in tune with your emotions and you are right on point with everything you said!
Author Steven T Posted April 8, 2011 Author Posted April 8, 2011 Thank you Lil you're spot on too. Yes I have learnt so much over the course of my own relationship, I dont see why people have to try and fight for things that wont work out and are not meant to be. You have to accept everything and let them go, and know that your life will be good if you want it to be. I was a very controlling boyfriend and I didnt even know it until recently. I had to let her go out of my life so she could get on with hers and be happy, although she still loved me and wanted it to work out. She will be happier in someone elses arms. I will learn from this and make myself better for my next relationship.
worlybear Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Don't agree. Sorry, I respect your opinion but when you factor in 28 years together and 5 children (4 x adult, 1 x9r old) the fall-out is catastrophic. And no, I won't be shrugging my shoulders and saying, "oh,well,life goes on." I have lost a husband and the OW has gained a father for her daughter at our daughter's emotional and financial expense. It's sh**.
Duckduckgoose Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Worlybear, the fallout from divorce IS catastrophic. You have been with him longer than I have been alive and that is saying something. However, the fallout was caused by him, and it's HIS conscious that will have to answer for it, not yours. Breakups are not as painful as divorces. But life DOES go on. To stop your own life because of the selfish and self-serving actions of another... regardless of how much you loved them only means they still have control of your life. I dunno about you or anyone else, but I am not going to let someone who has obviously ABANDONED me have any more influence in my life. They are the past, and I am the future. My future will only go on, and I will only meet a better person for me... by not letting the ex have control.
stopthemadness Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Wow I agree with all of you kinda.. Steven T, Thanks for the great post, am gona read it again. Its right on the money.Worlybear, so sorry for your pain. You and i posted to eachother before. I too have been right where your at. But only 14 years before divorce not 28. Its a though road but give yourself time to heal and you will.( but it takes time) I didnt date for 2 years after my ex husband left me for another women. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to vent, vent. I remember going for ALOT of walks. Time will heal your broken heart. I promise!! But am afraid to tell you that it has to run its course. I agree with duck. they abandoned us. They for what ever reason didnt love us and dont want be with us anymore.(it hurts me to type that) But this last breakup, well I took it hard to say the least. But am 2 1/2 months into N/C and only NOW have i started to heal and ya we broke up 8 months ago!!(was 2gether 8+yrs) Keeping contact with your ex JUST DOESNT WORK!! Steven T, I want to wish my ex and his new live in women well, I really do. But it aint 2day!!!
EmperorR Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 This is true everything happens for a reason, I remember when my ex fiance cheated on me 4 months before we were supposed to get married 3 years ago I was a wreck my first time having my heart broken what brought me to loveshack actually. Got over it met someone better that ended, met someone better and that ended as well, funny thing is life has a funny way of handling things, the majority of times you will find soemone better more compatible and who even knows you may even be back with your ex later on in the future.
Fufu Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Thanks for sharing Steven Remember if you want to get over a relationship, acceptance is the key not dwelling on what could have been. There is life after love. I completely agree with this. There is always and definitely life after love.
worlybear Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Worlybear, the fallout from divorce IS catastrophic. You have been with him longer than I have been alive and that is saying something. However, the fallout was caused by him, and it's HIS conscious that will have to answer for it, not yours. Breakups are not as painful as divorces. But life DOES go on. To stop your own life because of the selfish and self-serving actions of another... regardless of how much you loved them only means they still have control of your life. I dunno about you or anyone else, but I am not going to let someone who has obviously ABANDONED me have any more influence in my life. They are the past, and I am the future. My future will only go on, and I will only meet a better person for me... by not letting the ex have control. Thank you for that, I was posting here because I felt so cross on my daughter's behalf. That evening,after school, she had just opened an Easter card from him, (with a £5 note inside) and a computer written "all about me" (him) note inside that- no mention of wanting to see her,take her out over the hols etc. I didn't comment on it to her but I was seething . But for me,personally....... Life is getting better and I have made some good friends who I can go out with,socially- and I am enjoying life again. Sorry for the thread-jack!
Author Steven T Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 Thanks for sharing Steven Remember if you want to get over a relationship, acceptance is the key not dwelling on what could have been. There is life after love. I completely agree with this. There is always and definitely life after love. There sure is as I am finding out! You just have to be strong minded about it. If you keep looking back you wont get anywhere.
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