so-wrong Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Well like so many others I find myself heartbroken & in so much pain after D Day. I miss my MM tremendously. We were discovered about 6 weeks ago at which stage his BS of many years demanded NC between us. I have been to see him several times but found it hurt to speak with him. In the last week I have decided to live by NC myself & so far have somehow stayed strong. I accept that contact currently is pointless as he is trying to rebuild his shattered life & regain some respect from his grown up children & other family members. He feels sick to the stomach at the thought of how he is now perceived & needs to be seen to be making things right. However the thought of never seeing/speaking to him ever again is totally crippling. We were in constant contact for the whole A. I plan to get back in touch in a few months to see how he is. I know this is mad but I can't deal with it otherwise. Has anyone else done similar & if so, did it help? Do you think I will have grown strong enough to cope with not contacting him by that stage? Thanks for reading.
ChocCheesecake Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Take things one day at a time. You're hurting and overly emotional, so of course right now you want to plan to talk to him later. I suspect, though, as time goes and you start to heal you may change your mind and not want to contact him. You don't have to make any major decisions for the future right now, just commit to NC and see how it goes from there. Good luck.
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 I agree, in a few months once you are healing and not as emotional with your grieving, you might change your mind in contacting him. Doing so not only will put you on a rollercoaster ride of emotions in a bad way but it also will mess him up. NC is there for a reason and it has to be respected. The A is over, you two are not friends, nor can you be. This isn't just about YOU and HIM, it's about his wife, his children and getting his life back in a better place, his marriage, the trust and faith of his wife and kids again. If you contact him, chances are VERY high he'll be mentioning the contact by you to his wife and she could call you. Also, if you contact him, be prepared for him to not answer, or reject you completely. Keep yourself busy, be with good friends and family, grieve the A and what you shared, write him letters for theraputic reasons, but don't ever send them.
Author so-wrong Posted April 5, 2011 Author Posted April 5, 2011 Thanks for your replies. I just can't come to terms with the way everything came to such an abrupt end, it feels like there is so much unfinished business, but I understand that contact now is useless. I feel as though my feelings are so raw but he seems to have forgotten about me already, which doesn't tally with the man I knew. Do you think he is finding it tough too? It hit me hard that he established NC first as that made me feel more needy. You're right in that he may just hurt my feelings again if/when I re-establish contact. Someone on LS said that NC is better than being hurt again & I really identify with that. However the idea of having the contact again gives me something to focus on at a time where everyday is painful & I feel so bad knowing that I have stupidly caused so much pain & loss to people that deserved so much better. I don't really have friends to talk to about this as I have also established NC with them as they are also close to him & it's too hard to hear how he's getting on (and I know things are hard for him) at the moment. I will definitely get back in touch with them at some stage though. But for now I'm on my own. When I first found this forum I couldn't believe how quickly things got out of hand & thought it would never happen to me. What a fool I was & I would warn anyone to get out whilst you can (or even better, don't even go there to start with).
siuys Posted April 5, 2011 Posted April 5, 2011 Hugs, so-wrong. I know it's early days and it pains you. You need to ask yourself what the goal of NC is. If it's to 'take a break' it will never work. You will forever be pining after him, wondering, hoping, waiting. And it's a lose-lose for you. You have no control or knowledge of what is going on with him and his family. However hard it may be, you need to ask yourself why you got into this situation in the first place. Give yourself a little time, maintain NC and just get through the day. Perhaps see a counsellor. If you don't detach from him emotionally, and finish it, no amount of NC will help. I know it's probably incomprehensible for you right now, but be patient with yourself, and ask yourself if you want to suffer more? Because you will suffer regardless of if you see him or not during this supposedly short term NC, due to the fact that you're still emotionally invested... all the very best.
Recommended Posts