Getting over my past.

[Hules]

After the events of last night http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3322435#post3322435

 

I'm doing a bit of soul searching today, so bear with me what I'm about to discuss is quite personal but I could honestly use some advice as I believe it is part of the reason I have trouble forming relationships.

 

Basically long story short. I was always skinny as a child but once I hit puberty I started putting on a lot of weight and was pretty much tormented during my teenage years. I focused on my studies as a way to escape the pain, I excelled at that but sank into a deep depression due to the way I looked. Pretty much everyone in my life abandoned me except for my family and a few very close childhood friends.

 

I contemplated suicide on a daily basis, was a very dark time for me. At my heaviest when I was around 18 I was 147kg or 323lbs.

 

Over the next 2 years I managed to lose 66kg or 145lbs through rigorous exercise and diet. I have been at a steady weight of around 81kg or 178lbs for the last 4 years.

 

I never kissed a girl until I was 20, never had sex until I was 22 never experienced true love until my last ex.

 

These days I'm very socially confident I have rebuilt myself from the ground up and only surround myself with people who care about me, I have no room for negative people in my life.

 

That been said I do have some serious body image issues. Even though these days I often get compliments from both sex's about how good I look. When I look at myself in the mirror I still feel like I do when I was 18 this doesn't help that I am scarred from been so heavy (Stretch marks) they are not terrible but they are a constant reminder of who I once was and honestly it disgusts me. I also have a pretty nasty scar from when I had surgery when I was a child.

 

So whilst I am socially confident, I am in fact incredibly physically shy. I really enjoy kissing and touching but anything past that I get quite insecure and I will not have physical relations with someone I don't know and trust. I have only been with a few girls not because I don't have options. I have had more than I care for in terms of sexual advances from girls I'm not interested in (ie. Skanks).

 

A lot of my guy friends think I'm insane by not taking up these opportunities and they are probably right. So when it comes to girls I'm generally attracted to girls like the one I was with last night, because they as a general rule like to take things slow and wont get ****ty at me if I refuse to jump their bones until I get to know and trust them (Even still some still get ****ty thinking I don't find them attractive, which really isn't the case).

 

Now talking about my past is incredibly difficult for me especially when it comes to early stages of relationships. Girls I've generally gone out with try to force it out of me when I'm not comfortable talking to them about it yet. I've been trying very hard as of recent to get over this but I'm not sure how.

 

Also how can I address this issue when I'm starting a relationship? I often get branded as the "nice guy" but that really isn't the case I'm nice to those who are nice to me. If I'm treated badly I cut people off without a second thought (last night was a good example of this) I refuse to let people walk over me anymore I've had enough abuse in my teenage years to last me several lifetimes.

 

I refuse to be "friend zoned" by girls who I date or have relationships with, I am incredibly stubborn when it comes to this, to the point I've been called cold and detached.

 

Though I do have several platonic lady friends they have proven to me they are trustworthy and I value them as friends (but not romantically).

 

I would really appreciate any input/advice.

Edited April 1, 2011 by Hules

[SweetDaphne]

Hules - it's always hard to get over something - especially something we've 'done' to ourselves, causing us pain, and in turn shot down our self-confidence. No matter how long we try to get over it, or lose the cause of the pain (your weight) we become our own worst enemies by continuing to harbor the pain we felt - almost as if it was a safety blanket.

 

I have no doubt you're a great guy and am quite cute to boot. But I understand completely the feelings you harbor from when you were heavy and bullied because of it. As much as people tell us to 'suck it up' it's just not that easy and the feeling invoked by that bullying can stay with us for a LONG time.

 

Unfortunately you're still harboring those feelings and preventing yourself from seeing you as the cute, self-confident guy that I know, deep-down, you know you are. You need to learn to look at yourself the way others see you. Step out of your comfort zone. Understand that every little flaw that your body has (stretch marks, scars, etc) is part of what made you, you. Life isn't always pretty but it doesn't have to be shameful.

 

Take it from a big, curvy, beautiful woman. Your body is great, you just need to accept it (as it appears those around you have). Once you accept this you'll be able to move on and talking to the girls about your past and becoming intimate with them won't be so nerve-wracking. Trust me when it comes down to being intimate - you won't be the only one who's a little self conscious about your body. You just need to be the one who projects confidence and worships her body.

[MexicanBillBacker]

Take it as a learning experience - us human beings are in constant improvement(well most of us).

 

I too was socially inept when I was younger, mainly because both my parents are kind of socially inept. But once HS started I just completely re did myself. Sex at 16, football, etc.

 

I'm kind of traumatized right now for entirely different reasons...Other than the girl I told you about I've never been in a relationship and I'm 20 years old. My contact with the opposite sex before said girl, has been basically hooking up at clubs and ONS...which suck.

 

Now I find myself starting another path of self renewal - and I have a feeling its just starting. I do hope I'll get to have that feeling someday again.

 

If the stretchmarks make you uneasy, there's special treatment that make 'em fade away. Go see a dermatologist, maybe join a gym to tighten some of the lose skin up. If you want any advice I'll hook you up...I'm just starting my cycle of Dianabol - Sostenon and Deca Durabolin - I realized that if I'm going to die single and alone I'm at least going out a bad ass mother****er.