ShoeGurl1973 Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 My bf broke up with me after 3 1/2 years. He was very verbally absuive when he did it - a side of him I have never seen. I coudln't even say a word to him he was so domineering. He was also drunk. After realizing nothing I said woudl change his mind i asked him to pack his things and be out of my house by end of the next day. He came home and then started trashing me like I have never seen saying horrible horrible things. He said i was "kicking him out". Why did he turn this around on my when I begged and pleaded to simply talk things out? He told me he only went out with me 3 1/2 years ago because he was lonely and that I would be alone in my house forever because no one would want me. It hurt me to my core that someone who loved me would say these things. I know without a doubt he loved me and I just can't imagine saying these things. I didn't say anythign in reply, beacuse i didn't want to stoop to his level. Im just so hurt that these are the last words i remember of a 3 1/2 year relationship.
depplover_1980 Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 You posted on this same story a week or two ago, did you not get the right advice then? Nothing has changed to your story from what I can see. Have you not heard from him since then?
Movingthrough Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 (edited) My bf broke up with me after 3 1/2 years. He was very verbally absuive when he did it - a side of him I have never seen. I coudln't even say a word to him he was so domineering. He was also drunk. After realizing nothing I said would change his mind i asked him to pack his things and be out of my house by end of the next day. He came home and then started trashing me like I have never seen saying horrible horrible things. He said i was "kicking him out". Why did he turn this around on my when I begged and pleaded to simply talk things out? He told me he only went out with me 3 1/2 years ago because he was lonely and that I would be alone in my house forever because no one would want me. It hurt me to my core that someone who loved me would say these things. I know without a doubt he loved me and I just can't imagine saying these things. I didn't say anything in reply, because i didn't want to stoop to his level. I'm just so hurt that these are the last words i remember of a 3 1/2 year relationship. What i have noticed from reading on here and reading about 15 books now on relationships, male and female psych is a lot different during a breakup. The males seem to either be really "nice" and just kind of do the whole "yes baby i know but it just cant work right now", because they are over it and don't want to deal with the hassle. The other side (like you are saying) is the anger and temper tantrums. When my ex broke it off with me i said nothing bad, didn't yell or anything like that, but i was heated. Now she did it in a way that made her look like a coward, but as males our Test. takes over and we feel rejected, like we lost, so we get mad, and act like idiots, but how we control it is what makes the difference. When it gets down to what you are saying with the cursing and i hated you anyway stuff, that is immaturity, I'm sorry but it is. I wanted to call my ex every name in the book but i never did because i didn't want to look like a child, its that simple, got to be the bigger person. As far as females, i see the same thing over and over on these boards. They know for weeks if not months that they are done with it, but don't want to just pull out either because they don't want to be "mean" or don't want to be alone. Then usually after the breakup the guy is dumbfounded (even though i believe the guy should have known before hand and fixed the problem or at least tried) and the girl is usually moved on to someone else right after the breakup. Now I'm not being sexist or blaming, but if you read around on here, most posts are male dumpees who get the bad news, felt blindsided, then days or weeks after she is with someone else, which makes the males even worse. They were already checked out (the girl) so to them its not a big deal, the guy wasn't so he is a mess. Then you see the girls post where the guy is throwing fits and acting like a three year old when he doesn't get his way. There is a book called "the hazards of being male" which basically says we don't know how to deal with emotions (like girls do) so we go nuts in a breakup, i think that is the basis of most of the problems on here. The reason for me bringing this all up is in a sense this is a common thing he is doing, but its not right. Hes immature and doesn't know how to handle himself, which should be a sign to you that its time to cut it off. He did love you, thats why he was with you, don't believe what he is saying about never liking you and just felt bad....im a guy and i will tell you that we wont stay with someone for just that reason. Edited April 1, 2011 by Movingthrough
depplover_1980 Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 (edited) I really am fed up of just a couple of the bitter guys on here using any opportunity as an excuse to berate how women are in a breakup. You spent the biggest paragraph of all slagging off women again. Then say i'm not being 'sexist' or 'blaming', well actually YES YOU ARE! There is an very equal amount of men and women hurt on these pages. Edited April 1, 2011 by depplover_1980
SingVoice Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 i really am fed up of just a couple of the bitter guys on here using any opportunity as an excuse to berate how women are in a breakup. You spent the biggest paragraph of all slagging off women again. Then say i'm not being 'sexist' or 'blaming', well actually yes you are! There is an very equal amount of men and women hurt on these pages. thank you! Agreed!!!!!!
radiodarcy Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 thank you! Agreed!!!!!! yes! thank you, depplover! i have been badly hurt by a man who used me as a rebound and treated me poorly most likely because the women before me treated him in much the same manner as many of the men on this board have been treated. two wrongs don't make a right and such negative talk about either gender does nothing but perpetuate the same attitudes and enable the same behavior. with one side or the other feeling justified at treating the other like sh*t. at what point does this end? i understand the need to vent but seeing threads with men bashing women as depplover stated makes me feel terrible and it makes me wonder what kind of attitudes i'll be up against if and when i ever decide to start dating again. i came here to heal not feel intimidated. and yes it is a select group of men as depplover said. i have learned and appreciated even handed posts from other male posters including wtRanger, greenpolicy, and caliguy. these are what i would like to see more of.
radiodarcy Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 yes! thank you, depplover! i have been badly hurt by a man who used me as a rebound and treated me poorly most likely because there were women in his past who treated him in much the same manner as many of the men on this board have been treated. two wrongs don't make a right and such negative talk about either gender does nothing but perpetuate the same attitudes and enable the same behavior. with one side or the other feeling justified at treating the other like sh*t. at what point does this end? i understand the need to vent but seeing threads with men bashing women as depplover stated makes me feel terrible and it makes me wonder what kind of attitudes i'll be up against if and when i ever decide to start dating again. i came here to heal not feel intimidated. and yes it is a select group of men as depplover said. i have learned and appreciated even handed posts from other male posters including wtRanger, greenpolicy, and caliguy. these are what i would like to see more of.
butterfly2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 You posted on this same story a week or two ago, did you not get the right advice then? Nothing has changed to your story from what I can see. Have you not heard from him since then? WHo care how long someone is taking to heal. This forumis here not to judge but to help people even when their story hasnt changed. Sometimes it takes the right advice from many people saying it differently for it to sink in. SHe was with him for 3.5 years....healing will take time. Pain is real... be a little more sensitive and not so angry at people because they aren't healing at your pace. This is their life not yours. Help if you will otherwise don't post to them.
JasonRules Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 It is obvious that there will be differences between men and women in terms of how they think, but ultimately each sex has their fare share of dumpers and dumpees. To say one group dispenses the other group more would not be accurate. We all have stories where both men and women have treated others badly in relationships. Unfortunately, that's life. While we do feel pain and grief, life goes on and in the end time helps our wounds heel. The thing we need to take out of each relationship is a lesson learned. In my last relationship, I learned that when your significant other is telling you "I'm just not ready for a relationship" or "I need space" you need to simply bail and end it right then and there because it only gets worse. In my case, I could have ended this back in December and spared myself the drama and emotional roller coaster ride which ensued. With each experience we gain insight and thus we become a better person. We must never quit though because I know there is a person out there for all of us. We just need to bump into them.
butterfly2011 Posted April 1, 2011 Posted April 1, 2011 You are having some anger issues today and taking it out on people here for having their own issues. calm down and let us that are hurting deal with it and get support rather than be judged and put down for hurting and healing or not healing. Maybe you should back off today and gather your thoughts a bit.
Movingthrough Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 (edited) I really am fed up of just a couple of the bitter guys on here using any opportunity as an excuse to berate how women are in a breakup. You spent the biggest paragraph of all slagging off women again. Then say i'm not being 'sexist' or 'blaming', well actually YES YOU ARE! There is an very equal amount of men and women hurt on these pages. I'am sorry Mam if i offended you, i usually respect your responses and point of views, but to be honest, you sound like the bitter one calling people idoits, cursing and telling people to mind their buisness, this isnt the place for that. Im not bitter at all and if you read the whole post i said males dont know how to handle their emotions and act like 3 year olds making temper tantrums, not exactly making the guy look great. I also said that females deal with emotions better then men (a good thing) thats why i mentioned the book. To be honest my biggest problem right now is men acting like idiots when the breakup happens and not knowing how to go NC and deal with it. Guys are bad in breakups, i mean real bad, because they cant handle their stuff at all when it happens, if anyone looks dumb in the end its usually the guy, trust me i know. I respect your insight and bluntness but if you have such a problem with other peoples responses then maybe you should take your own advice, mind your buisness and not read anyone elses responses. @shoegurl, sorry your thread turned out like this but i hope you are feeling better. Edited April 2, 2011 by Movingthrough
Mcnulty Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 Got to say I asked the same question as Depp when I first read it, just didn't post on it. Think you are over reacting to her query, (even though she can be a bit blunt at times!!) "I will avoid you in future." is what she said to me and that's fine, please do the same if people on here piss you off, this is an open forum which has freedom of speech...referring to equality, male and females being different etc.
depplover_1980 Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 McNulty, I appreciate your support on that one. Maybe i'll come cyber pinching your bum round the threads now. Movingthrough, my response to you was a totally different thing to telling Butterfly to mind her own business - but I can see why you combined the two because your argument is weak. I am not going to sit back and let women be spoken about badly on these pages and frankly there are a lot of men on here that appreciate the help I offer them. To me it's like letting racism happen, I just wouldn't sit by and let stuff like that be generalised. As for Butterfly, well she should have done her research on me before shouting her mouth off about the type of person I am on here.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I'am sorry Mam if i offended you, i usually respect your responses and point of views, but to be honest, you sound like the bitter one calling people idoits, cursing and telling people to mind their buisness, this isnt the place for that. Im not bitter at all and if you read the whole post i said males dont know how to handle their emotions and act like 3 year olds making temper tantrums, not exactly making the guy look great. I also said that females deal with emotions better then men (a good thing) thats why i mentioned the book. To be honest my biggest problem right now is men acting like idiots when the breakup happens and not knowing how to go NC and deal with it. Guys are bad in breakups, i mean real bad, because they cant handle their stuff at all when it happens, if anyone looks dumb in the end its usually the guy, trust me i know. I respect your insight and bluntness but if you have such a problem with other peoples responses then maybe you should take your own advice, mind your buisness and not read anyone elses responses. @shoegurl, sorry your thread turned out like this but i hope you are feeling better. I liked your post, I thought that it was nice and informative. IN fact probably one of the better explanations on here.
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