My GF is addicted to RPG online!

[Scorpio6913]

I don't know the name of the game, but it has to do with Vampires etc.

She claims to be in it for the fashion & friends, however, she jokingly tells me stories of male players inviting her into private rooms where they begin sex talk. She claims that she doesn't indulge them (laughing while describing to me what they say) but plays/messes with them before diconnecting. I respond saying it sounds like a sex game to which she denies & claims that any online RPG games will have some people doing this, also that it is only "Role playing".

I already know from her admission, that she spends hours of her free time playing this game & that a lot of the players are much younger(early twentys) than her.

Does anyone here know much about these online RPG games? Should I be concerned of her cheating on me?

We've only been dating for about 5 months & there has not been a lot of sex between us, maybe because she is getting sexual stimulation from this?

Thanks for your insights in advance!

 

Scorpio

[Lorelei_Lane]

Tread carefully.

 

I know many many women, including my former best friend, that play RPG games non-stop and LOVE the sex talk and attention they receive from male gamers. I've also seen where it leads to cheating and eventually leaving their boyfriend for one of these gamers. I'm also a female gamer, having played online RPG games and FPS, and my husband will tell me if me talking to a male gamer, even if it's innocent, bothers him because of HOW MUCH I talk to them. I pull it back and things are fine again. If you honestly care about your significant other, you wouldn't get offended and try to see things their way.

 

I would tell her that what she's doing bothers you. Although you understand that SHE doesn't take it seriously, that the male gamers she's talking to might and you would like it if she stopped. Try not to sound accusatory, use a lot of "I feel" statements. It helps to make her see that you don't BLAME her for what's going on, and you would like for her to stop because it bothers you.

 

I wish you luck *hugs*

[Scorpio6913]

Tread carefully.

 

I know many many women, including my former best friend, that play RPG games non-stop and LOVE the sex talk and attention they receive from male gamers. I've also seen where it leads to cheating and eventually leaving their boyfriend for one of these gamers. I'm also a female gamer, having played online RPG games and FPS, and my husband will tell me if me talking to a male gamer, even if it's innocent, bothers him because of HOW MUCH I talk to them. I pull it back and things are fine again. If you honestly care about your significant other, you wouldn't get offended and try to see things their way.

 

I would tell her that what she's doing bothers you. Although you understand that SHE doesn't take it seriously, that the male gamers she's talking to might and you would like it if she stopped. Try not to sound accusatory, use a lot of "I feel" statements. It helps to make her see that you don't BLAME her for what's going on, and you would like for her to stop because it bothers you.

 

I wish you luck *hugs*

 

Thank you for your response Lorelei!

Your first paragraph is what scares me.. I think at times she would rather play then talk on the phone with me, or have me come over, although she hasn't said so, her actions speak louder.

She also refers to a lot of the male players as her "Buddy". Just yesterday she told me someone with a name like "Hot sex guy" from our area sent her a friends request, while I was on the phone with her, while she was at work. She then said she ignored it, but I'll never really know.

But what really got me is how she described what one guy said to her & how she responded, it was clearly something inappropriate, she thought it was funny, but she accepted going into a private room with him in the first place.

Does anyone else here think this is appropriate???

[Macaw]

Scorpio, here's the thing. She isn't entirely at fault - I know couples where both partners flirt with strangers and it's all in good fun. Some people just like to be that way.

 

What this really boils down is that she isn't giving your relationship the same respect you are and want out of it. I've met women such as these that lorelei described, and they do indeed exist and crave the attention they get from so many desperate guys online.

 

You don't have to put up with it if you don't want to. Some people prefer to stay in a bad relationship, suffering, for years until either side officially gives up just so they can feel good about themselves knowing that they've "tried their best". The thing is, both you and her could spend that time instead with partners who want the same things out of relationship that either of you do - be it freedom, or loyalty and commitment. Think about it.

[Scorpio6913]

Scorpio, here's the thing. She isn't entirely at fault - I know couples where both partners flirt with strangers and it's all in good fun. Some people just like to be that way.

 

What this really boils down is that she isn't giving your relationship the same respect you are and want out of it. I've met women such as these that lorelei described, and they do indeed exist and crave the attention they get from so many desperate guys online.

 

You don't have to put up with it if you don't want to. Some people prefer to stay in a bad relationship, suffering, for years until either side officially gives up just so they can feel good about themselves knowing that they've "tried their best". The thing is, both you and her could spend that time instead with partners who want the same things out of relationship that either of you do - be it freedom, or loyalty and commitment. Think about it.

 

 

Thank you Macaw for your words.

I suppose what you are suggesting then is that she will not change this behaviour & I should drop her? I mean, I just got back from her place tonight after not seeing her for 2 weeks. She very shortly after my arriving, said she was going to bed early, so I left early. This is the second time she has done this. Tomorrow, she insists on seeing a early afternoon movie, when I suggested a later afternoon movie(which would run in to the evening) she refused sighting no real logical excuses. I rarely hear from her Sunday evenings...

[Macaw]

Thank you Macaw for your words.

I suppose what you are suggesting then is that she will not change this behaviour & I should drop her? I mean, I just got back from her place tonight after not seeing her for 2 weeks. She very shortly after my arriving, said she was going to bed early, so I left early. This is the second time she has done this. Tomorrow, she insists on seeing a early afternoon movie, when I suggested a later afternoon movie(which would run in to the evening) she refused sighting no real logical excuses. I rarely hear from her Sunday evenings...

 

I cannot tell you wheather she will or won't change her behavior. But do you believe she can change her behavior permanently AND be happy?

 

If you rarely hear from her sunday evenings, it's probably because her RPG buddies have a game session planned on that day and time of the week. A real game session, not a sexual one or anything like it. Just try to think of it as a "girls night out" thing that she requires to have a few times a week.

 

I've been in your shoes. It didn't end well for me, but I don't blame the games for it (I play some of them myself). I eventually learned to cope with the lack of displays of affection, but I wasn't really happy in the relationship. I was just happy that I wasn't single. All things considered, we ended on good terms, and I was relieved. What I can suggest is that you keep working on everything that you feel lackluster in this relationship without robbing her of all her free time - make some demands if you feel justified to do so.

 

After some time, if you feel like you've stopped making progress and you still aren't happy in the relationship, it might be best to end it there. At least you'll have tried everything you could've.

[Scorpio6913]

I cannot tell you wheather she will or won't change her behavior. But do you believe she can change her behavior permanently AND be happy?

 

If you rarely hear from her sunday evenings, it's probably because her RPG buddies have a game session planned on that day and time of the week. A real game session, not a sexual one or anything like it. Just try to think of it as a "girls night out" thing that she requires to have a few times a week.

 

I've been in your shoes. It didn't end well for me, but I don't blame the games for it (I play some of them myself). I eventually learned to cope with the lack of displays of affection, but I wasn't really happy in the relationship. I was just happy that I wasn't single. All things considered, we ended on good terms, and I was relieved. What I can suggest is that you keep working on everything that you feel lackluster in this relationship without robbing her of all her free time - make some demands if you feel justified to do so.

 

After some time, if you feel like you've stopped making progress and you still aren't happy in the relationship, it might be best to end it there. At least you'll have tried everything you could've.

 

Thank you again Macaw for your insights!

I, like you did, feel a real lack of affection, it's like she doles it out only when she senses dissapointment in me(rpg asside) & I have tried to cope with it, with little satisfaction.. Also like you, I have been apprehensive of dropping the over bomb, because it's been a few years since my last relationship & I too am just happy not being single.

May I ask you, what is it that is so addictive to role playing online for these women? Also, how should I bring up my dissatisfaction with her lack of affection & her addiction, as she uses excuses for everything..??

Thank you again!

[Els]

These do exist. But.

 

Do you watch porn?

 

Frankly I see no difference between sex-based RPGs and porn, as long as it stays in-character and without outside mediums or revealing the players' actual identities (cams, phone, etc).

[Els]

Thank you for your response Lorelei!

Your first paragraph is what scares me.. I think at times she would rather play then talk on the phone with me, or have me come over, although she hasn't said so, her actions speak louder.

 

Okay, now THIS is a problem.

[betterdeal]

It's not about appropriateness or fault, rather it's about how you both feel. If you feel bad because of this, tell her. If after a discussion you feel fine with your partner continuing the behaviour, or the modified behaviour that you agree on, great. If not then you have to do something yourself to improve your happiness.

 

Maybe you can find another woman to have fun whilst your girlfriend is having fun with other men. Maybe you can join the RPG game she plays and have fun with her and other women there. Maybe you can leave the relationship. Maybe she can leave the game and find other ways to make herself happy. It's up to you to work this out. Telling her how you feel and discussing alternative arrangements is a starting point.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you again Macaw for your insights!

I, like you did, feel a real lack of affection, it's like she doles it out only when she senses dissapointment in me(rpg asside) & I have tried to cope with it, with little satisfaction.. Also like you, I have been apprehensive of dropping the over bomb, because it's been a few years since my last relationship & I too am just happy not being single.

May I ask you, what is it that is so addictive to role playing online for these women? Also, how should I bring up my dissatisfaction with her lack of affection & her addiction, as she uses excuses for everything..??

Thank you again!

 

Nuke the mosquito. If you think that she has an addiction to it and she has a problem, then you are most likely right. Is her place a mess?

 

BTW, it is addictive because of the social and technological qualities. Our brains are wired for dopamine, the internet etc. gives us instant gratification in regards to 'friendships' and 'relationships.' I've got quite the problem myself!

[Lorelei_Lane]

Agreed Dreaming! I have quite the addiction myself to gaming, especially MMOs because of the interaction. What makes it work is my hubby and I both are gamers. That's how we met actually, but that's another story.

 

If you're feeling ignored because of her gaming, I would try bringing it up. If you feel that it's doing no good... you may want to nip this in the bud before it gets any more serious. It's hard to compete with that kind of addiction, I've seen many marriages and relationships end because of it.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

I don't know the name of the game, but it has to do with Vampires etc.

She claims to be in it for the fashion & friends, however, she jokingly tells me stories of male players inviting her into private rooms where they begin sex talk. She claims that she doesn't indulge them (laughing while describing to me what they say) but plays/messes with them before diconnecting. I respond saying it sounds like a sex game to which she denies & claims that any online RPG games will have some people doing this, also that it is only "Role playing".

 

if i'm not mistaken, it is called IMVU. a friend of mine asked me if i have an account there cuz she said her girlfriend made her create an account. she said it was expensive cuz they also sell some avatar stuff there. i told her nope but i have seen it on ads and it looks like a sex chat. she said yeah, you can actually have simulated sex there.

[Macaw]

It's not about appropriateness or fault, rather it's about how you both feel. If you feel bad because of this, tell her. If after a discussion you feel fine with your partner continuing the behaviour, or the modified behaviour that you agree on, great. If not then you have to do something yourself to improve your happiness.

 

Maybe you can find another woman to have fun whilst your girlfriend is having fun with other men. Maybe you can join the RPG game she plays and have fun with her and other women there. Maybe you can leave the relationship. Maybe she can leave the game and find other ways to make herself happy. It's up to you to work this out. Telling her how you feel and discussing alternative arrangements is a starting point.

 

I also agree with this.

 

May I ask you, what is it that is so addictive to role playing online for these women? Also, how should I bring up my dissatisfaction with her lack of affection & her addiction, as she uses excuses for everything..??

Thank you again!

 

Roleplaying games are addictive by nature, it doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman, or anything in between. You start playing them on a boring wedsneday night that you have nothing better to do, and after a while, you get more enjoyment out of it than your favorite TV shows, and depending on the kind of willpower the person has, it can become her #1 activity after a long period of time - there are reported cases of people losing their jobs or dropping out of college so they could play more, although those are rare cases (the equivalent of getting an OD if the person was addicted to drugs instead).

 

Like alcohol, it can and should be appreciated in moderation. Most people can keep themselves under control. From what you've told, your girl only has a very light addiction - it seems that you're bothered mostly by the sexual nature of the community in that particular game and the lack of voluntary displays of affection from her than her time spent playing, so I wouldn't make an argument as if you're competing with her game just yet. I'd make a point about on how you seem to be trying to spend more of your free time with her and she doesn't seem to be corresponding, and build from there.

[Lucky_One]

See what her reaction would be if you signed up and started playing with her. Many partners play, and this could be a pretty telling sign if she doesn't want you involved at all.

[Scorpio6913]

if i'm not mistaken, it is called IMVU. a friend of mine asked me if i have an account there cuz she said her girlfriend made her create an account. she said it was expensive cuz they also sell some avatar stuff there. i told her nope but i have seen it on ads and it looks like a sex chat. she said yeah, you can actually have simulated sex there.

 

Yes, this sounds just as she's described it to me, also mentioning having online affairs(of which shes not admitted to me her having) that her "Friends" have. Also, lots of drama between people, it sounds very high schoolish, not something I would've imagined a thirty six year old woman partaking in.

[Scorpio6913]

See what her reaction would be if you signed up and started playing with her. Many partners play, and this could be a pretty telling sign if she doesn't want you involved at all.

 

Unfortunately, I have no inclination for such, nor would I want to pay for it, but maybe suggesting if I should join sounds interesting..

[january2011]

In my opinion and experience, she's most likely doing it for the attention and the self-esteem boost. It's too early to say whether she's actively looking to cheat.

 

Her behaviour suggests that she's not getting enough attention/of a self-esteem boost from you and/or she's someone who needs much more than is reasonable.

 

The fact that she informs you about her activities works in her favour and also suggests that she wants you to do something about it. If you feel that you can't crank up a gear in your affections and fill up more of her time with activities that involve the two of you then it's a potential dealbreaker.

[Scorpio6913]

In my opinion and experience, she's most likely doing it for the attention and the self-esteem boost. It's too early to say whether she's actively looking to cheat.

 

Her behaviour suggests that she's not getting enough attention/of a self-esteem boost from you and/or she's someone who needs much more than is reasonable.

 

The fact that she informs you about her activities works in her favour and also suggests that she wants you to do something about it. If you feel that you can't crank up a gear in your affections and fill up more of her time with activities that involve the two of you then it's a potential dealbreaker.

 

The problem is that she is not showing me much affection, I cannot handle another rejection when I try to get romantic. So how does her imforming me of her activities actually work in her favour?

I completely agree with you that she's on there for attention & self-esteem boost, I'm at a loss as to how I can help with that.

[january2011]

The problem is that she is not showing me much affection, I cannot handle another rejection when I try to get romantic. So how does her imforming me of her activities actually work in her favour?

I completely agree with you that she's on there for attention & self-esteem boost, I'm at a loss as to how I can help with that.

 

She could be hiding her activities and you find out accidentally yourself or someone tells you. If being honest and open about what she's doing is not working in her favour, it suggests that there is more to the situation than you've told us and there are other indications that her behaviour is much more serious than has been presented here.

 

She's not showing you affection and therefore you don't show her affection? I accept that all relationships require a little give and take on both sides but a Mexican standoff is just going to get everyone 'killed'.

 

Open up a dialogue with her. Talk to her about it. Start planning fun activities to spend more time together so that she has less time to sink into online RPGs.

 

In my experience, when people don't feel loved by their current partner, they're most likely going to try and seek that love elsewhere.

[Scorpio6913]

These do exist. But.

 

Do you watch porn?

 

Frankly I see no difference between sex-based RPGs and porn, as long as it stays in-character and without outside mediums or revealing the players' actual identities (cams, phone, etc).

 

I do watch porn, but not often & I don't interact with the pornstars when I do. I think she has revealed her identity to people online, as she claims to have buddies whom she refers to by avatar & real name.

I did notice last night that she does have a headset that I've not seen before at her computer, is that a red flag?

[Scorpio6913]

She could be hiding her activities and you find out accidentally yourself or someone tells you. If being honest and open about what she's doing is not working in her favour, it suggests that there is more to the situation than you've told us and there are other indications that her behaviour is much more serious than has been presented here.

 

She's not showing you affection and therefore you don't show her affection? I accept that all relationships require a little give and take on both sides but a Mexican standoff is just going to get everyone 'killed'.

 

Open up a dialogue with her. Talk to her about it. Start planning fun activities to spend more time together so that she has less time to sink into online RPGs.

 

In my experience, when people don't feel loved by their current partner, they're most likely going to try and seek that love elsewhere.

 

I agree with you, however I do show affection and many times it is not recipricated, or it is rebuffed.

I'll try planning more activities, however, I feel it should be a two way street.

[Lucky_One]

Unfortunately, I have no inclination for such, nor would I want to pay for it, but maybe suggesting if I should join sounds interesting..

 

You don't know how much it costs since you don't even know the name of the RPG, and you might not have the inclination when you don't know anything about it. But you MIGHT enjoy it, if you gave it a try.

 

You also say later in this thread, "I'll try planning more activities, however, I feel it should be a two way street."

 

Maybe she feels the same way, too. Maybe she would LIKE you to join an activity that she loves. Be proactive in trying things that your partner enjoys, and THAT way you have an actual two-way street.

 

Now, on the flipside, I don't think she will want you to join, and I think joining and even the suggestion of joining will cause a huge issue in the R. I think you will see that she has too many cyber Rs that aren't what you believe she should be involved in.

[january2011]

I agree with you, however I do show affection and many times it is not recipricated, or it is rebuffed.

I'll try planning more activities, however, I feel it should be a two way street.

 

I suggest asking her, "do you feel loved by me?" and/or "what would you like me to do to show you how I feel about you?"

 

You may baulk at the directness of these questions but I find that sometimes directness is required to cut through the fog and achieve clarity.

 

In addition, it may be time to review what made her happy and smile in the past and to try those things again as well as taking note of what you do currently that makes her happy and smile. Somewhere along the line, one or both of you dropped the ball. Time to find that ball, pick it up and run with it again.

Edited March 27, 2011 by january2011

[Scorpio6913]

You don't know how much it costs since you don't even know the name of the RPG, and you might not have the inclination when you don't know anything about it. But you MIGHT enjoy it, if you gave it a try.

 

You also say later in this thread, "I'll try planning more activities, however, I feel it should be a two way street."

 

Maybe she feels the same way, too. Maybe she would LIKE you to join an activity that she loves. Be proactive in trying things that your partner enjoys, and THAT way you have an actual two-way street.

 

Now, on the flipside, I don't think she will want you to join, and I think joining and even the suggestion of joining will cause a huge issue in the R. I think you will see that she has too many cyber Rs that aren't what you believe she should be involved in.

 

I'm quite certain it is IMVU, as another poster mentioned, in fact there is an ad for it on this site.

You see, I was never even bothered by the fact that she plays this online, it only started to get to me when I would hear her typing on the keyboard while I was on the phone with her & as she seemed distracted. I once asked if she was talking with someone because I could clearly hear the keyboard & she denied it! But the real kicker was when she started to tell me about someone telling her to give him a BJ while she was in a private room with him, she laughed it off, but told me she asked him to re-phrase it, to which he replied, please give me one. She thaught this was hilarious, I could not see the humour in it...