My boyfriend of 2 years broke up. I want him back, but is he a commitment phobic?

[Popondetta]

Hi, I'm new here and just need someone elses opinion on a situation...

 

I've been seeing a guy for 2 years, and about 3 months ago he "suddenly" told me he wasn't sure what he felt or if he wanted us to still be together. I was completely surprised as he had been attentive and sweet up until that moment. (In hinsight I see that he had been more eager to hang out with friends than with me lately, and that he had pushed me more away than before. He also started smoking pot on a daily basis about 6 months before the breakup, and I didn't realize until he broke up with me. I knew he was smoking more than I liked, but I didn't realize to what extent.)

 

So 3 months ago he wanted a break, and I told him that's for teenagers. (We're both 33). I was heartbroken and he still contacted me and wanted to see me. Told me he was so confused and wasn't able to make up his mind about what he wanted. He's a musician/dj and has a part time job somewhere else, so he's kind of a free spirit. All of his friends are single. I replied to his sms's and we met up once after 1,5 months to talk. I thought he had made up his mind, but in fact he just wanted to see me.... Still confused and told me he had commitment issues. Told me he can't plan more than 2 days into the future and that he doesn't know what he wants. After the meeting we emailed some and I got some answers but not really. He told me that he loved me and missed me but didn't know if we would be good togehter in the long run even though we are very compatible on so many levels. So I told him that we shouldn't have any contact for 6 weeks to see if that would help him see things clearer. When got back in touch via email after that he told me he was still uncertain but that he thought that maybe his feelings had gone down a bit during the period of no contact but that he kept seeing my face everywhere without it beeing me.. and he was wondering what that meant.

 

So I called him and we talked. I said I needed to know where we're at, if we're broken up or not. He told me that if he had to decide now he would have to choose what felt the most right, which was letting go. Next thing he told me that he would like to ask me if I could wait for him another couple of months so he could decide. Then told me he loved me and I said; "Maybe not in the right way?" to which he replied: "Maybe not".

So he asks me to wait for him but at the same time saying that maybe he doesn't love me the right way..I told him I couldn't wait cause it's impossible for me to move on with my life while still waiting for him to make up his mind..

 

About him: He has previously lived with a girl that he broke up with because they had to move houses and he had had some doubts and therefore didn't want to commit to her. He is a day-dreamer and rarely has concrete plans about how to make dreams become reality. He was smoking pot and smoking on a daily basis the last 6 months of our relationship. He has almost quit smoking now, after I told him that things would have to change if we should ever be together. (I told him this when we first spoke after he said he wanted a break). He's anxious in social settings and has a pretty low self-esteem. He's broken up with someone before and ended up regretting this, and that's why he's had problems breaking up with me now.

He owns his own flat and has no problems with his economy or other practical things, so he has control over certain things in his life.

 

I just know that if he regrets breaking up with me I would take him back in two seconds, but deep down I think he's scared of commitment. He told me he always has problems making desicions, making up his mind about things and is not able to see/plan a future (in general). I'm so heartbroken becasuse we shared so many of the same thoughts, opinions, view on life etc.

 

I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks, when I forced him to make up his mind about things. What do I do? I'm waiting for him to say he wants me back, but I realize that probably wont happen, or can it?

Is he a commitment phobic deep down?

Sorry about the length of this, and sorry about my bad english (I'm danish)

Thanks for any thought you might have about my ex or the situation.

[Duckduckgoose]

I think what he's telling you he's just not that into you. Commitment-phobic or not he just doesn't like you that much. I don't think the pot is helping his brain either lol

[geegirl]

I felt I was reading my own story!

 

My ex was the same. Couldn't think past tomorrow. We did the break/no break, not sure/sure, give me time/don't wait, etc. Drove me bananas.

 

Labeling him a commitment phobic person doesn't help alleviate the reality of your situation, so that is one thing you can try to not think about. The fact remains that he is not ready to commit and even stated that maybe his love is not the right love. When a man tells you what you don't want to hear, listen.

 

I would suggest you step away from this situation. Even if he were to change his mind tomorrow, I believe he has some deep seated issues that will probably rear its ugly head again.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I was with my ex for two years too until he told me he couldn't see himself being with someone long term. He said he loved me more than anything but if he had to choose, he would choose to be alone/freedom. And I let him go. He still lingered around and wanted to have his cake and eat it too but I had to NC.

 

The only thing you can do is put this behind you and try to move on. NC is hard but when going through hell, keep walking. It will get you somewhere. Try to use this time to get yourself emotionally stable and mentally sound. If in time he does come back, you will be healed, you will be able to decide if you want him back and if you do, you'll be on more stable ground to make decisions should things falter again. Use this time for yourself. Grieve. Feel your feelings and soon you will start to feel better again.

[radrluv72]

As far as your ex being commitment phobic, sorry to say, but to me it doesn't sound like it. I think the idea of being a true phobic can get read into a lot. I think just based on the fact alone that you two were together for a couple of years as opposed to something short-term would pretty much prove right there, that's he not a phobic. True phobics have a long history of short-term, casual relationships behind them. And it's just just relationships they have a problem committing to...true phobics sometimes don't commit to anything, even if it's owning their own property, having their place...even something as simple as whether to buy a pair of shoes.

 

I think if your ex were a true phobic, there's no way he would have stuck around as long as he did. A phobia, is a real, traumatic, crippling fear that gives way to anxiety and leads to quick, implusive, irrational decision-making & bahavior. Their behavior can literally turn on a dime, and it's completely devastating to the person that they suddenly reject in order to protect themselves.

 

It sounds like to me that it may be just me more of a case that over time, your ex may have just started feeling differently about the relationship, not a true anxiety attack. If you want to read about true commitmentphobia, here might be a couple places to start...

 

http://www.phobias-help.com/commitment_phobia.html

 

http://www.phobia-list.net/commitment_phobia/commitment_phobia.html

 

I'm not an expert, but this anxiety disorder was the major factor that killed my last relationship, with a man that I had fallen very deeply in love with. I think unless it actually happens to you, a lot of people can't really imagine just how abruptly this happens...it's literally a matter of one day you're with the person you love, and then the next, you know don't even know the person. It's really just that severe.

[Ajax]

I'm not an expert, but this anxiety disorder was the major factor that killed my last relationship, with a man that I had fallen very deeply in love with. I think unless it actually happens to you, a lot of people can't really imagine just how abruptly this happens...it's literally a matter of one day you're with the person you love, and then the next, you know don't even know the person. It's really just that severe.

 

This is how my last relationship went down. Happened overnight. Anyone interested can check out my "Still Pining" thread. That being said, I've been reading "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter, and I think the OP's sitution can be chalked up to a case of Committment Phobia.

 

He told me that if he had to decide now he would have to choose what felt the most right, which was letting go. Next thing he told me that he would like to ask me if I could wait for him another couple of months so he could decide.

 

Not only could he not commit to being with you, he couldn't commit to NOT being with you. According to Carter's book, Committment-Phobia can rear it's ugly head years into a relationship, even after marriage. Apparently it often comes to the surface once the Commitment-Phobe gets to a point where they feel that the relationship is forever, and will panic and run even if they still love the other person.

 

In my case, my ex had just told me how much she loved me and wanted a future with me. I returned those feelings, and within a week we were done. She said she litterally woke up one day and had to get out of the relationship.

 

It sounds to me like your ex saw the future bearing down on him and freaked out.

[Popondetta]

Thanks for great replies to all of you!

 

I definitely agree with those of you saying he's immature (pot-smoking, life-style, unable to make decisions and planning a future), and that I should try to forget and move on. I've been doing the no-contact through these 3 months, probably just to make him realize how much he misses me. But it didn't work, so I guess he just doesn't love me.

 

The reason why I think he might be a commitment phobic (or maybe have commitment ISSUES more than a real phobia), is that he's broken up with someone before bacause of doubts and not wanting to commit. Also his general problem of comitting to things (jobs, holidays, he only bought his flat because his parents wanted to invest and bought it with him). I also think he has unrealistic thoughts about what a relationship is and that he's focusing on the doubt instead of being open and working on the relationship. I think he doesn't realize that doubt is part of all relationships (Nobody's ever 100% sure about a relationship 100% of the time). Him having doubts came as a total shock to me...

 

I don't know... I guess I never break up with someone unless I'm really sure that breaking up is right, and that's why I don't understand his cowardly methods. He's a pothead and coward and I really do deserve better, but I can't stop thinking about him and grieving the loss of him& the relationship, because he is a sweet guy in many ways.

 

It helps to read your replies, and it makes me stronger to be able to move on without him..

Thanks again!!

 

Ajax: I totally agree. He can't even commit to NOT choosing me. He also told me that maybe in a couple of months time he might find that it was the biggest mistake of his life to break up with me...

I also noticed that he was talking more about the future during the last couple of months together, so the comittment issues must have come up while thinking about a possibl future together and smoking pot on top of it...I think he realized that after 2 years together it would have been time to move together etc, and that's probably freaked him out)

 

Edit: And please keep posting if you have more thoughts about this. It really, really helps to get other peoples opinion. Althought it's still a sad situation and nothing will get the relationship back to what (I thought) it was, it helps to understand some of the reasons for the breakup.

Edited March 19, 2011 by Popondetta
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[Popondetta]

He also told me that he was sure that if he settled down with me/comitted to me that we would be happy together, but then said that he was worried that these thoughts would come back again in a couple of years...

 

And please keep posting if you have more thoughts about this. It really, really helps to get other peoples opinion. Althought it's still a sad situation and nothing will get the relationship back to what (I thought) it was, it helps to understand some of the reasons for the breakup.

Edited March 20, 2011 by Popondetta
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