NC or LC, post-LDR breakup?

[brutalglide]

Hey guys,

 

Recently broke up my near 2 year LDR. I'd say it was a combination of her breaking up with me and me breaking up with (probably more her with me though). Basically, I never really fully committed to her and made her feel secure (which I admit), and this other guy close to her treated her good. Obviously LDR is hard and I never really made her feel secure, so I understand how this might have driven her away.

 

After feeling her being distant for awhile, I called her up to talk truthfully, eventually after she explains she's questioning our relationship cause she feels insecure/also mentions this other guy being good to her. I basically ask that so your saying you wanna break up? Eventually, we agree to break up but never manage to talk about it. Emails from her get sent to me about her reasons for breaking up (saying she loved me, wanted to marry me at one point, but feels insecure and that she could lose me at any time). I sent back a thoughtful email explaining why she felt a lack of security, and that I was now ready to give her it, but now it could be too late.

 

So she emails me back saying instead of breaking up, she wants to take a break for awhile until she gets to US (she's in China, but got into a grad program at Chicago, where I had a job offer but wasn't sure if I was taking). Says that she thinks its sad/stupid that we are breaking up when we are so close to being done with LDR, but since we are at the point of breakup already, it indicates problems and she thinks we need a break. Explains that she knows I'm probably thinking it's cause she likes this other guy, but she says that nothing happened and even though he's good to her, she's talked it over with her parents, and thought about it herself, and decided she needs to keep her distance from him. Additionally, she's moving to the US (originally done because for me) in month so there's no real future for them anyways. She asks me opinion on taking a break.

 

I decide to call her back and talk to her about it. I explain why I never made her secure (good reasons), and she said she understood why and agreed. I agree the LDR has been hard and her feeling a lack of security hurt alot. However, I started to explain, did my actions justify your actions (starting to like this guy). She didn't know how to respond/if that was the reason/etc. We talk a little more about the guy, and I come to the conclusion that her actions were not justified by me making her feel insecure. She talked to him everyday, hung out with him/her friends about once every three days yet still doesn't know how she felt about him, only knew that he was good to her and I didn't make her feel secure.

 

Obviously, I see the argument from her point of view, but at the same time, if her feelings for me were as strong as she said they were, her/this guy probably wouldn't have talked/hung out that much. Then again, when you throw in the fact it was a LDR and I knew for a fact she was very much in love with me and I wasn't as much in love with her and made her feel insecure, it's not completely unreasonable to think that a guy could come in and make her feel happy/secure especially when he's close by. However, I still don't know what to think, not to mention she was very distant with me the entire month while she talked to this guy everyday, and that only further added to it all. By talking about this, she realizes that I'm saying we should breakup, not just take a break, and agrees. I end up summarizing my thoughts/opinions and feelings and explain that I still loved her, but I think its in our/my best interest to breakup. Hopefully if we really loved each other, then we'd end up together anyways. Basically leaving her the option calling me if she wanted to be back together, but indicating that I'm not waiting for her and I might have moved on by then.

 

So now it's day 1 post-breakup. My question is, should I go complete NC, or just LC? Does it really matter either way? My heart says I want her back, but my head says I shouldn't take her back unless she's BEGGING for me back and saying she made a huge mistake. I'm lucky I'm not having too much trouble post-breakup, simply because the breakup was partially mutual, so I think LC might work. But at the same time, NC is probably better in terms of helping her decide whether she really wants me back as well as me understanding if I truly do want her back or whether I want to move on.

 

What do you guys think?

Edited March 19, 2011 by brutalglide

[brutalglide]

Ughh someone help

[0hpenelope]

Hopefully if we really loved each other, then we'd end up together anyways. Basically leaving her the option calling me if she wanted to be back together, but indicating that I'm not waiting for her and I might have moved on by then.

 

That's really all you can do, brutal. I know the source of your pain is from not having called you while you're hoping that she will.

 

You will move on. There's just no other way to get better than by moving on and it doesn't mean that you will find someone new in order to reach that point. Moving on means you want good things for yourself after having something so painful happen to you. What's so wrong about that?

 

Don't wait for something that you cannot really hold on to. What will happen to you if she decides that she wants a clean break-up from you after all? You will be fine eventually, but postponing your journey to healing until then will delay you from feeling better sooner.

 

So now it's day 1 post-breakup. My question is, should I go complete NC, or just LC? Does it really matter either way? My heart says I want her back, but my head says I shouldn't take her back unless she's BEGGING for me back and saying she made a huge mistake. I'm lucky I'm not having too much trouble post-breakup, simply because the breakup was partially mutual, so I think LC might work. But at the same time, NC is probably better in terms of helping her decide whether she really wants me back as well as me understanding if I truly do want her back or whether I want to move on.

 

What do you guys think?

 

You're still allowing her to influence your decisions. That's not quite how things work. What would you consider LC? Is keeping the Facebook option LC to you? NC isn't doing her a favor or as you put it, "helping her decide whether she really wants me back..." People can have an attraction to multiple people, but it comes down to what and who they choose. Her choice is to suggest a break, meaning that without her defined attachment to you, she's free to explore her options with this guy. H*ll yeah, that hurts!

 

LDRs have their unique circumstances as well, but not so unique that they're above the parameters of LC or NC. I was in an LDR too and honestly, I chose NC for myself and told my ex the same words that I emphasized in the beginning of this response.

 

Except he sort of opened the communication door by a crack. This Penny was not happy.

 

I found out he hasn't de-friended me on Facebook when he reactivated it. I don't care so much for his reasons for reactivating it, but I'm a little peeved that he hasn't made the courtesy of a clean break by taking me off his list. For myself, it's easy to just take him off my friends list, but I don't want to show him that I'm affected by his Facebook comeback. Go figure!

 

Going back to you from that slight digression, I don't know what to recommend or suggest to you as I'm still going through healing from an LDR break-up, but these are the thoughts I repeat to myself:

 

- "Give your ex the gift of missing you."

- When someone asks for space, give it to them.

- Don't chase after someone who effectively said he/she doesn't want me anymore.

- If I do nothing, then I can do no wrong.

- Sometimes, the best thing to say is to say nothing.

- People value what's scarce.

 

As much of a mutual break up as this is, you're the one who wants her back. You don't know if she does. The odds are already stacked against you and you can only make things worse if you keep doing something. Start fixing yourself now so if the time comes that she does contact you, you won't show yourself to her as needy or desperate or pathetic. LC is an entirely different dynamic on its own.

 

You're the one who knows this relationship and your ex best. Good luck!

Edited March 20, 2011 by 0hpenelope

[brutalglide]

You're still allowing her to influence your decisions. That's not quite how things work. What would you consider LC? Is keeping the Facebook option LC to you? NC isn't doing her a favor or as you put it, "helping her decide whether she really wants me back..." People can have an attraction to multiple people, but it comes down to what and who they choose. Her choice is to suggest a break, meaning that without her defined attachment to you, she's free to explore her options with this guy. H*ll yeah, that hurts!

 

When she emailed me a response to my response, she said she was not going to talk to the guy / hang out with him. Basically she asked for a break for a certain duration of time before deciding if we wanted to break up completely instead of being broken up completely (as we were before these calls/emails).

 

And "helping her decide whether she really wants me back..." continues with "as well as me understanding if I truly do want her back or whether I want to move on," so I don't think I'm really letting her influence my decisions.

 

I consider LC as not always responding to her text/call/email but maybe sometimes responding. While NC is so bad as to ignore her 100% (ie remove facebook/block IM).

 

As much of a mutual break up as this is, you're the one who wants her back. You don't know if she does. The odds are already stacked against you and you can only make things worse if you keep doing something. Start fixing yourself now so if the time comes that she does contact you, you won't show yourself to her as needy or desperate or pathetic. LC is an entirely different dynamic on its own.

 

I know as of today I want her back despite the mutual breakup, even if she called me tomorrow begging for a chance, I wouldn't just take her back all that easily. I'd still have to seriously consider whether I want to even be back with her. I'm analyzing what I did wrong in our relationship and what she did wrong/right while I'm on LC/NC.

 

 

Also, I really appreciate your response, it's nice hearing it from another point of view.

[brutalglide]

Bump, anyone else?

[brutalglide]

After 3 days of NC, she IM'd me while I was offline to say after using her cell today to login to MSN, she received all of my messages I sent before (about a week ago, before we broke up) that somehow didn't get received (basically a few days before we broke up she was saying she wasn't receiving some of my IMs even though I said I sent them). I received the IM obviously once I logged on and then decided not to respond.

 

I've had a few chances to check her FB (she uses a chinese version as the US version is blocked in China, although she also knows I don't use the chinese version at all, but I do have a profile and sometimes logon to read her status updates). Earlier today (before she sent the IM to me while I was offline), she updated her status to say that she feels a little like she can't breathe. Anyways, a few hours later (I think she saw that I was online but didn't respond back), she updates her FB (well a chinese version of FB) to "don't love you anymore."

 

EDIT: Ironically, as I'm typing this it seems that the status update is gone and she looked at my chinese FB (it tells you who looked at your profile). I don't know if she knows I've looked at hers lately (I stopped looking and instead only viewed the news feed updates, and since she's the only friend I have added, it basically shows me everything on her wall without me needing to actually access her profile). I stopped viewing her profile that way a few days ago so...

 

Either way, I'm still NC'ing despite how painful this all is.

[MissMoni]

I'm also going through a LDR breakup of about 2 years, and I would say at least for now, NC. I know it's hard. And I think you would make the right decision by going NC. It's hard but necessary. Don't do what I did. My ex and I broke up in October and I continued LC up until last month. My ex contacted me (without me contacting him first) a total of two times, and both of those times were insubstansial texts that really didn't have to do with anything. Please save yourself the pain and stop talking to her now. Maybe, in the future you all will be able to be friends and reconcile, but right now

 

LC is just luring you into a false sense of security. For me, LC didn't allow me to accept the relationship was over. I already didn't get to see him at all since he lived in another state, so our breakup became an "extended vacation" during which I convinced myself he was coming back. He didn't.

[brutalglide]

Now she's blowing up my phone with text messages. Basically saying thanks for all the good times, you were a good guy, I hope you find someone. Good bye.

 

EDIT: Another one, saying that if I chose to hate her, she has nothing to say/doesn't know what to say, but to take care of myself and she never regretted being with me one moment.

 

For some reason, it seems to me like she's trying to get me to chase her by pretending like she's done with me / moving on, although I don't think she really is. Idk what to do, I feel like on one hand I might lose my chance to re conciliate by not responding; because one of the issues in our relationship was my lack of commitment to her / not making her feel secure in the relationship. And now she's just testing me by acting like she's moving on, just to see if I come running. And if I don't come running, then she knows she made the right decision cause I probably would have never committed in her mind.

 

On the other hand, I feel like I shouldn't be the one chasing her as she started all the breaking up talk and mentioned a guy (even though it was mutual breakup towards end cause she wanted a break instead of breaking up and I said no lets breakup) and I made it clear that I'm trying to move on. So I want her to be chasing me indicating she truly does love me/she made a mistake before considering whether I would want to take her back or not. Not to mention, if she doesn't want to get back together, at least I've already started the healing process.

 

Thoughts/opinions/advice?

Edited March 21, 2011 by brutalglide

[0hpenelope]

You're still not getting it, but I understand why you're not comprehending what you really should comprehend. I see that you're making a lot of assumptions about your ex's mindset here.

 

Just one thing here:

 

Idk what to do, I feel like on one hand I might lose my chance to re conciliate by not responding; because one of the issues in our relationship was my lack of commitment to her / not making her feel secure in the relationship.

 

She wouldn't have wanted the break up if she wanted to fix your lack of commitment to her and not making her feel secure in the relationship. There's no sense in fixing problems within the relationship after a break up. A break up means "I'm done. I quit. I don't want to fix things anymore."

 

Instead of having these assumptions of what she's thinking, go ahead and break NC. Ask her directly. Sometimes and unfortunately, we have to twist the knife ourselves a little deeper. I agree that she's seeking a response from you, but most likely you're not going to like what she says if you respond. The only way to find out if you will be an exception and actually like what she says to you is to break NC and ask her.

 

Good luck.

[brutalglide]

Well, looks like my assumptions are mostly right but at least we are back together now . She reiterated she felt insecure/unloved in our relationship when we talked over the phone. I explained why I did what I did and told her I could commit now.

 

I told her I didn't want to break up with her. Had a long discussion basically concluding that we do love each other and we admitted the mistakes we both made and agreed not to make those in the future.

 

I hope it works out in the long run and I'm not just setting myself up for more pain. Any advice/stories? Right now, I'm concerned that she doesn't love me as much as she use to anymore. I want to make it right but I'm just concerned that it won't work out.

Edited March 22, 2011 by brutalglide

[0hpenelope]

Well, looks like my assumptions are mostly right but at least we are back together now . She reiterated she felt insecure/unloved in our relationship when we talked over the phone. I explained why I did what I did and told her I could commit now.

 

I told her I didn't want to break up with her. Had a long discussion basically concluding that we do love each other and we admitted the mistakes we both made and agreed not to make those in the future.

 

I hope it works out in the long run and I'm not just setting myself up for more pain. Any advice/stories? Right now, I'm concerned that she doesn't love me as much as she use to anymore. I want to make it right but I'm just concerned that it won't work out.

That's great, brutal! I'm happy that things worked out for you. The feelings of insecurity are normal and you really have to make each other a partner through these feelings because this is where reconciliations don't work out: when couples don't address the insecurities together, work through them realistically, and then let that insecurity go completely. Eventually, you'll have to adjust to not seeing this as a "we got back together," meaning that the two of you got together again on a clean slate and to not keep looking back in the past where you left each other for a brief while. Every relationship, whether it's a first run or a second run or some other number of run, carries the risk of being left or a diminished feeling from the partner and that's just part of being in a relationship. Forgiveness is key and carrying on without the negative feelings of being broken up with is very important.

 

Don't lose sight of what's important here, too, if your concerns become overwhelming. She chose to be with you, right? She could have chosen the other option as well. You said she's going to be nearer to you in a few months, right? Also, take the time to look through past threads as well. There's a lot to be learned from the rich archives of LS!

 

I'm really glad it worked out for you. Not very many here get so fortunate and after the break, I hope your relationship is stronger. Some exes do come back!

[depplover_1980]

Well, looks like my assumptions are mostly right but at least we are back together now . She reiterated she felt insecure/unloved in our relationship when we talked over the phone. I explained why I did what I did and told her I could commit now.

 

I told her I didn't want to break up with her. Had a long discussion basically concluding that we do love each other and we admitted the mistakes we both made and agreed not to make those in the future.

 

I hope it works out in the long run and I'm not just setting myself up for more pain. Any advice/stories? Right now, I'm concerned that she doesn't love me as much as she use to anymore. I want to make it right but I'm just concerned that it won't work out.

 

I am sorry to storm in and p i s s on your parade here but I think this is a very short term fix and I have a feeling you may split again soon; I cannot see how the problems have been resolved in such a short space of time and I think you were so desperate to fix it you've said everything she wants to hear. This is potentially going to create problems for you because I get the impression it's all on her terms, when from what I read she was contributing her own problems to the mix. The fact you're already questioning how much she loves you demonstrates this to me.

[brutalglide]

I am sorry to storm in and p i s s on your parade here but I think this is a very short term fix and I have a feeling you may split again soon; I cannot see how the problems have been resolved in such a short space of time and I think you were so desperate to fix it you've said everything she wants to hear. This is potentially going to create problems for you because I get the impression it's all on her terms, when from what I read she was contributing her own problems to the mix. The fact you're already questioning how much she loves you demonstrates this to me.

 

I definitely agree that this could potentially be a short term fix and we could split soon but I'm prepared to take that chance. After speaking with her, I do think it was mostly my fault by not making her feel secure. And to be honest, in the beginning, she wanted us to be a serious relationship, while I viewed it as casual. And given all the issues we'd have to deal with (LDR, barely seeing each other), I questioned whether it was worth a shot which made her feel insecure. In fact, there was a period where we had an open relationship, as I indicated I wasn't sure if we could work out as we barely knew each other when we were forced to start a LDR. I think that although it was open, the only reason why she did it was because she didn't want to lose me. As time went on, my feelings for her got stronger and stronger and eventually we decided on exclusivity cause I realized I didn't want an open relationship.

 

After I realized how much she loved me and treated me well, I slowly started to realize I did love her very much and wanted a serious relationship/could deal with LDR for her. But by then, the pain/suffering from LDR without a sense of security had already started to make her question whether I truly loved her or not. So she started being distant because she wasn't sure whether it was worth staying with me.

 

She admits she was wrong for being distant instead of talking to me about her feelings, but at the same time I never really told her how I felt either (had started to be ready to commit but then backed off because she was distant). This created a void between us and eventually she/I broke it off because we never really truly talked about how we felt and instead made assumptions. It was only after the breakup, did we come to realize/talk about what we felt. And after talking about it and discussing our issues, we realized wanted to be together and we'd work to fix those problems. Additionally, we know everything will be easier as we won't be in a LDR after a month.

 

We talked a bunch earlier today, and we're planning on talking over some issues again later today as well. I know that I feel that way right now (she doesn't love me as much anymore), but I think that's with good reason, especially after a break-up. But I think we both love each other and want to fight for us and it'll work out because of that. In addition, it'll be that much easier once we don't have to do LDR.

Edited March 22, 2011 by brutalglide

[depplover_1980]

Yes good post, more clarity for me and perhaps yourself. My advice would be to relax into the new situation, take off pressures or expectations of how fast you should be getting over the glitch. It will take time and patience, talking and listening on both parts to rebuild the trust back up.

 

I would perhaps present that you both start again completely, wipe the slate clean with a ground rule of not bringing up past offenses and reminders. If she can agree too, it is the best way forward - if you present positively your vibe should reassure and rub off on her.

 

I see a fresh start is especially important considering you'll soon be together in person, which will definately make or break you both. Fingers crossed it all goes well for you. x