melenkurion Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Around 20 months ago I took out a mobile phone contract on behalf of my ex "husband", because he wouldn't pass a credit check. He agreed to pay me back monthly what he had spent. Even after the split, we carried on with this arrangement. I maybe wasn't persistent enough when talking to the phone company, but they wouldn't let me get out of the contract early. Ex carried on paying the bill until February. He's missed two payments now. I only just noticed today. It's not really about the money, but I hit the roof. I think it's a pretty lousy thing to lumber someone with a sizeable bill, especially given that he was the one who cheated and walked out. At least he could pay his bills. Because I was angry, I did two things that I regret now that I am calming down. The first thing I did was to call his parents. I've always got on well with them, and they phone me from time to time to see how I am getting on. I've been polite to them, and tried to avoid talking about their darling boy. They were disgusted with him, and after an hour they called me back and offered to pay the bill. That's very decent of them. I have no idea from where he inherited his moral bankruptcy. They have said they will have a serious talk to him once the divorce has gone through (the wait is so that he doesn't retaliate by asking for my house, basically). I need to get the divorce underway, I let it slide. The other thing is that I broke No Contact. I have sent him a firm but polite email reminding him that he has missed two payments, and that he hadn't contacted me with any explanation as to why the payments were late. I sent him a text saying the same thing. I am not sure whether I did the right thing or not. Calling his parents was a definite mistake, I suppose I was trying to punish him or something. I don't really like the idea of letting him lumber me with 200 quid that he oughta be paying, so I think I ought to pursue this. I could do something nice for myself with 200 quid. But contacting him even over this debt has left me feeling rubbishy and low. It's several hours later and I am still shaking with anger. It's not the amount of money --- it's not that much. But he ought to pay me what he owes. At least this stops me missing him. The guy he left me for is getting a real prize there. The back-story to the split is here, for anyone interested. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251730/
Fern Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Darling Melen, you did absolutely the right thing by demanding he fix this. I only wish it hadn't upset you. Deep breaths. Your anger is justifiable - completely so. And as I always remind myself - better angry than in the second chances forum snivelling about wanting him back. Calling his parents was perhaps not the best idea - but I've been guilty in the past of over-sharing with my exe's older sister. Best to remember that no matter how sympathetic they are to you and how much they like you - they are always going to choose their blood in the end up. Just be careful what you say to them. Keep us posted on what he says if he replies. xxxx
Rose T Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Hey Melen, Fern's right, you were absolutely justified in contacting him over this. The bigger picture is you've been really strong and NC gets to a point when it's not about chalking up days, but more about the spirit of dignity with which you are facing your break-up. You've never lost that. Your ex doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same breath. This bill is just an annoying fly in the ointment and it will get sorted. If he doesn't get back to you, hell, let his parents pay it. Why should you be short of pocket? Oh, and if his parents do have to step in that'll leave him feeling about this tall. Seriously. It was just a blip and you did the right thing. Now keep looking forward.
depplover_1980 Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Yeah I'm glad you called his parents. You kick ass lady, he has brought this on himself.
Author melenkurion Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 He got in contact to say he'd stopped paying the bill because I still have some of his stuff, including an old laptop. Whatever. He could have contacted me at any time to pick up the laptop if he had really wanted it. His excuse for not contacting me to discuss this was that I hadn't acknowledged his two previous attempts at communication. The last time he contacted me he was downright snotty, the time before he made a half-hearted effort to wish me a happy christmas. I just didn't have anything I wanted to say to either of those messages. I can't be his friend, it's not good for me. In a way, it's amusing: I think I have actually hurt his feelings by ignoring him. Or rather: bruised his inflated-but-fragile ego somewhat. I told him that I would get in contact with him when I was good and ready. if ever, he had been the one that contacted me before I was ready. He wants me to be miserable and pining over him, and he's annoyed that I am (apparently) so easily able to move on. It's not much, I'm not deluded enough to think he cares more than a little. But I am sure no-one likes to think they were that easily forgotten. My trouble is, I am really struggling not to "have the last word". I'm not really able to keep calm right now, I didn't sleep at all last night. I stayed with a friend who is now so worried by my inability to keep calm he wants me to see my GP. I don't think I need to do that, it's just a setback. In a few days I will be fine. I see my counsellor tomorrow, and I will see what she says. In my head I am constantly composing withering replies that will instantly crush him (yeah right). I so want to tell him what I think of him, that his hold over me is broken, that I see him for what he really is. I know the only sane course of action is silence. It's fairly obvious he was trying to bait me into acknowledging his existence here. Anything I say, good or bad gives him validation, tells him that he is still very important to me. Silence is the most eloquent message I can send. I know this, but I seem (temporarily?) locked in my old pattern of constantly thinking about what I want to say to him. Once I have calmed down, it's just one more piece of evidence that shows to me he is a petty little man not worthy of any of the time or mental energy I am expending on him. He is totally incapable of being the bigger person, of stepping up. His new guy is more than welcome to his prize. Since I have his old computer that he was too terrified to collect, I don't feel quite as "in the right" as I did yesterday. My inclination is to call it quits. Which sucks, because it's what he wants me to do. I just feel rotten, angry, exhausted and grubby. This too shall pass.
Rose T Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 He got in contact to say he'd stopped paying the bill because I still have some of his stuff, including an old laptop. Whatever. Since I have his old computer that he was too terrified to collect, I don't feel quite as "in the right" as I did yesterday. My inclination is to call it quits. Which sucks, because it's what he wants me to do. I just feel rotten, angry, exhausted and grubby. This too shall pass. Hey Melen, your call, but let's also be pragmatic: I bet that old laptop isn't worth £200. And what happens about future telephone payments if you let this pass? You've opened the subject now so I would probably want to finish it on my terms. Tell him he can have the laptop back (imply that's in exchange for him settling the bill) and see if you can pass it to him through a mutual friend. End of. Silence is eloquent, but so is pure, non-emotional, praticality.
Author melenkurion Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 Darling Melen, you did absolutely the right thing by demanding he fix this. I only wish it hadn't upset you. Deep breaths. Your anger is justifiable - completely so. And as I always remind myself - better angry than in the second chances forum snivelling about wanting him back. Calling his parents was perhaps not the best idea - but I've been guilty in the past of over-sharing with my exe's older sister. Best to remember that no matter how sympathetic they are to you and how much they like you - they are always going to choose their blood in the end up. Just be careful what you say to them. Keep us posted on what he says if he replies. xxxx I would certainly rather be angry at him than pining for him. I'm glad the pining has stopped. Right now I just want him gone. I am even starting to care less about the health of his other relationship. I think they deserve each other, at least this way they are not roaming free ensnaring decent folk. I regret calling his parents, now. It's not as clearcut as it initially seemed, and I hate the fact that I must surely have upset decent folk. I probably did say a bit too much, I was in such a state. He is their flesh and blood. Hey Melen, Fern's right, you were absolutely justified in contacting him over this. The bigger picture is you've been really strong and NC gets to a point when it's not about chalking up days, but more about the spirit of dignity with which you are facing your break-up. You've never lost that. Your ex doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same breath. This bill is just an annoying fly in the ointment and it will get sorted. If he doesn't get back to you, hell, let his parents pay it. Why should you be short of pocket? Oh, and if his parents do have to step in that'll leave him feeling about this tall. Seriously. It was just a blip and you did the right thing. Now keep looking forward. Thanks Rose. I wish it had been a bit cleaner: basically, I wish he hadn't been able to justify this to himself. But, what the hell. let him have his tiny little victory. He wanted to provoke a reaction in me, he got one. But, it ends now. I need to calm down, get over the blip and look forward as you say. Try end the games. Yeah I'm glad you called his parents. You kick ass lady, he has brought this on himself. Thanks depplover! He must have known that there was a chance that I would do that once I found out. I feel a bit annoyed with myself because I think I did pretty much what he wanted, I gave him some attention. I'm a dude, by the way. I was in a Civil Partnership with my ex, who is also a dude :-)
betterdeal Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 These are two separate matters. He agreed to pay the bill and reneged on his agreement. He owes you for that. If he wants his stuff, maybe send it to his parents / someone else for him to collect. He is now just someone you have a financial contract with. Continue to pursue any missing payments with this in mind, and with small claims court in mind too. A reminder letter when he misses a payment, wait 14 days, send another if you get no reply, wait 14 days, send another explaining you will apply to the small claims court for the moneys owed, file a complaint in small claims court.
Author melenkurion Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 Hi Rose! I should have added: he's said he is happy to return the phone to me. If I have the phone and SIM, then we are approximately quits. The figure of 200 quid was assuming he made no further payments. He currently owes 70 quid. I need to decide if I want the laptop that much, I guess.
depplover_1980 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Hi Rose! I should have added: he's said he is happy to return the phone to me. If I have the phone and SIM, then we are approximately quits. The figure of 200 quid was assuming he made no further payments. He currently owes 70 quid. I need to decide if I want the laptop that much, I guess. Take the phone, sim, throw the laptop at him, fist him, swing him round and throw him into some fish guts. That should do it.
Rose T Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 Hi Rose! I should have added: he's said he is happy to return the phone to me. If I have the phone and SIM, then we are approximately quits. The figure of 200 quid was assuming he made no further payments. He currently owes 70 quid. I need to decide if I want the laptop that much, I guess. Melen, well, just decide what you want here and this can be sorted really easily. One little blip. Then you can get on with the rest of your life.
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