thatdog Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Guys please help. I have spent 3 years in very happy and satisfying relationship with my fiance with barely a single fight only to have come crashing down around me within a matter of weeks. I really don't know what to do or where to turn. (apologies if this is way too long-winded) Background: My partner and I have been together for 3 years, living together for 2 and engaged since last February (agreed on a long engagement to get married after I finish college at the end of this year). In this time we have barely had any issues except for one major exception. She likes to go out drinking and partying with her friends. I like to do the same but on a student's income it is just impossible for me to do so very regularly but I have always been happy to let her have her space to do this when she wanted (about once a fortnight on average) despite the fact that her idea of partying generally involves coming home sometime after 5am and passing out on the floor. Obviously this isn't great and I showed concern but she continued to do this anyway and after a few attempts to get her to cut back i guess I wussed out and decided that so long as it was just on these occasions, she wasn't cheating and we were completely happy with us otherwise it seemed best to let it slide. This Year: Since the start of this year she has been going out with friends or staying late at work for drinks more and more frequently, at least once a week but usually 2-3.4 weeks ago she told me that recently she had stopped being attracted to me. As we talked about it she admitted that it wasn;t so much attraction just a complete lack of sexual desire at the moment that she had been feeling for a little while, and admitted it may be because of stress from work (she works 3 part time jobs at the moment though I do my best to support her as much as I can) and family. We talked about it a little and resolved to try and work on things. Afterwards though we immediately went back to our (apparently) happy life of no fighting and intimacy until 2 weeks ago where she suddenly started interspersing our relationship with random bouts of anger, berating me for really unimportant or inappropriate things. Last weekend: Sunday night just before bed she told me completely out of nowhere that she thought maybe we should take a break. She was still unhappy and thought we needed some time apart to think about things. I told her that its hard for me to do that when I'm still very much in love and she won't tell me what the problem is. She said she didn't know the problem and so she needed to think about what the problem was so she could decide about whether or not to stay together or break up with me. I said ok and moved to my friends place that night. I stayed away for 4 days and then spoke to her again and she said I could move back if i wanted but she hadn't had any time to think yet because she was so busy at work and going out. During that time away I thought a lot though and spoke to friends and family about the situation. one thing that came up a lo was that everyone thought I should 'get a backbone' and stand up for myself. Tell her what she was doing that upset me and be more proactive in trying to fix the relationship instead of waiting for her cue. Since I have moved home I have told her that i want to work to fix things but we need to spend time together and talk more to work things out. I also told her i was concerned about her drinking to excess and spending way to much time going out without me. She initially agreed but i haven't had more that 15 minutes alone with her as she is either working, too tired to talk, or going out. Tonight we had plans to go out with mutual friends. she told me she wanted to come out with us after work and brought a change if clothes so she could change there and come staight into town to me us. While everyone caught as show I was left to wait on the street for her to arrive after work. She was almost an hour late despite knowing that I was waiting alone for her because she decided to stay at work for a few drinks. When she arrived she acted as if nothing was wrong, but at the end of the night when she was going home she told me that she knew i was upset about before and therefore she thought it was best if she stayed away for a bit to 'let me calm down' by meeting up with her friends at another club and not coming home. This caused our first ever explosive fight int he middle of town. She did end up coming home but now won't talk to me and won't agree to even make time to talk with me about our relationship. but when I offered her the option to just end it if that's what she wanted she said I was being unfair. Sorry this is so long-winded guys but I really appreciate any input anyone might have. I'm at my wits end here trying to figure out a way out of this that doesn't involve the end of the relationship but it seems impossible when she seems to do everything she can to avoid facing the problem.
Datura Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Her priority list doesn't seem to include this relationship at all. Rather than tending to your relationship, she's out drinking. Taking time for herself is one thing, but you gave her four days to clear her head and she blew it. It sounds as though she wants her freedom. Kick her out if possible. Let her know what you think of her behavior. Give her an ultimatum if necessary. She needs to show you that she's serious, that she's willing to change.
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