Love, Lust, and Lies....my NC journal

[KennyD]

Hello everybody. Well...the **** has hit the fan. After a painful "re-run" with an ex-girlfriend (and the pain it has brought me to today), I am going to start this NC journal. I am not sure if you guys are familiar with the term "re-run"....but I'm sure you can figure it out. The saying fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me....fits well. Shame on me, for the re-run. I do not want a "third times a charm" event. One thing I have found out is that..."hurt people, hurt people".

 

I will get into details when I have a little more free time (Unfortunately, I have a lot of it now it seems). Its a rather sad story, hence the title. I can sit here and admit, I have been the enabler of an abusive emotional relationship/friendship/courtship/whatever you want to call it. This has been a year (march 2010-march 2011), that I would like to forget (although we all know the memories remain)

 

Today is day one, and the day is almost over. I'm tired of being hurt, and my heart has managed to get broken a second time (shame on me). I admit...I have enabled her to take advantage of my kindness, and use it to my weakness. I am in love with her, but I realize that I am fighting a losing battle finally....and to keep hope is what keeps me from recovering and throws me back into a depressive panic.

 

Thanks, I look forward to the journey.

Kenny

Edited March 5, 2011 by KennyD

[heartbrokeninohio]

Hello everybody. Well...the **** has hit the fan. After a painful "re-run" with an ex-girlfriend (and the pain it has brought me to today), I am going to start this NC journal. I am not sure if you guys are familiar with the term "re-run"....but I'm sure you can figure it out. The saying fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me....fits well. Shame on me, for the re-run. I do not want a "third times a charm" event. One thing I have found out is that..."hurt people, hurt people".

 

I will get into details when I have a little more free time (Unfortunately, I have a lot of it now it seems). Its a rather sad story, hence the title. I can sit here and admit, I have been the enabler of an abusive emotional relationship/friendship/courtship/whatever you want to call it. This has been a year (march 2010-march 2011), that I would like to forget (although we all know the memories remain)

 

Today is day one, and the day is almost over. I'm tired of being hurt, and my heart has managed to get broken a second time (shame on me). I admit...I have enabled her to take advantage of my kindness, and use it to my weakness. I am in love with her, but I realize that I am fighting a losing battle finally....and to keep hope is what keeps me from recovering and throws me back into a depressive panic.

 

Thanks, I look forward to the journey.

Kenny

 

so sorry to be reading this Kenny.

 

I am also in the same spot as you only he has decided to ignore me at the moment but then again sunday is not far off

 

He will then be looking to grovel and try to freeload yet again in my home.

 

I too am moving forward and deserve better

 

Just take this last part as a positive no everyone is like this and don't let her make you bitter based on her SELFISH behavior.

 

I was happily married and lost my husband to cancer and so did the man who did this to me after 4 years.

 

my marriage was wonderful and don't ever give up hope of finding that special someone there are plenty of people out there who have morals and values and don't play games with life like tomorrow is promised to them.

 

You also have those who not only believe tomorrow is promised to them but the world owes them things.

 

I guess pretty much those are the its all about me types.

[KennyD]

Girl has 2 year old kid with ex-boyfriend of 4 years breaks up with him. Guy meets girl. Girl and guy fall in love. Ex-boyfriend moves back in, we break up. I give her space and ignore with NC, but break down after a few months. Madness ensues...same outcome just 8 months later. She made her choice, too much has happened between this time frame that it just pains me to even think about it. And I dont want to think about it anymore, the time isnt now (it isnt ever)...

 

 

Leaving out novels worth, but thats the idea.

 

 

Next time make sure they are over their past relationship before you get involved. Cross that, make sure you never find someone that JUST got out of a 4 year relationship....and no kids please...

Edited March 5, 2011 by KennyD

[KennyD]

You know guys, the first time this happened, I wished her and her family the best of luck. I told her I hope she has a good life.....

 

After the second time...and all the pain she caused me...I dont wish her well. Everybody who I have talked to, agrees-- I hope she is miserable (as she kept saying she was while she was with him for 4 years). You just pushed away a great thing, the way it was done was so shady...I don't wish you well anymore. The re-run has taken my patience away, I told her I would wait for her (I wanted to give her space and time...) . And now it looks like it was just "wasted time", and thats what you never want to do with your life.

 

Just like my one friend said "6 weeks, or 6 months kenny, the answer will be the same. people like that deserve to be miserable and deserves to be with an ******* who wont appreciate her"

 

I shut my phone off, so I am not tempted to text and there is no way to see her. I forgot to mention, she works at the same place I do (i only work there 1 day a week now, due to my other full time job) so its about 100x harder.

 

I will no longer make excuse for her....even after that text that Mike sent me....10 hours later I got a text saying "Omg sorry about earlier"....

 

I will never know what went down that day, if she knew about it...if he was with her when he sent it....but you know what...I dont want to know anymore.

 

Thank you for hurting me again, I didnt deserve it, I tried my best and did everything I could for you....and you burned me yet again.

 

Day 2

[KennyD]

After all the failed attempts...I should have known. The signs were there, I just didnt see them at the time.

 

It's hard when 5 days ago she looks you in the eyes and tells you "I'm in love with you still". And, when you ask her if I should leave her alone (since she has so much going on in her life)...she tells me "NO please dont, I love you, I miss you"....

 

This year was not very good. I find myself crying out of nowhere, and everytime I think of her I feel empty inside (even after 8+ months, I still feel the same love for her....it was true on my part...but I need to go NC because there is no reason to give myself any more false hope...she just didnt feel the same and was too afraid to do the right thing and tell me how she felt...just lied to keep me strung around)

 

I'll never forget how I broke NC the first time....how she longed for me to hold her, how she was unhappy with him because she loved me. How she wishes we could get over one another, but theres something inside us that wont allow it. How I agreed to meet up with her at the beach, talk about things, and ended up making out with her and cheating on that guy 5 months ago....we gave into temptation. I was playing with fire guys, and I got burned....I wish I stayed NC because now I am right back where I was 8-9 months ago...

 

I was texting her goodmorning, when the other guy replied back "This is Mike, Ashley is sleeping and I would appreciate it if you would stop texting and calling her-- I'm trying to get my family back together"...I simply replied "Ok Mike, I absolutely had no idea. I was told otherwise. I don't step on anybodys elses toes, no worries"....and I left it at that Wednesday. Then, 10 hours later she sent me a text saying "Omg sorry about earlier".....and thats all I ever heard. Did she not know he did that? Were they together all this time, and I had no idea? Was he told to send that by her....things I will never know.

 

I can tell you guys this, had I known he was actively trying to save the family, I WOULD HAVE NOT GOTTEN INVOLVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But....I was kept in the dark all this time. Told she "was over him"....wanted to kick him out of the house at the beginning of 2011 (its f**king MARCH and hes still there because "he cant find a place to live". "I dont even talk to him kenny, we have different schedules and all I ask is how the baby is when we do talk".....fed me the lies...I believed them (you want to believe the one you love)....and then this happens.

 

She has depression and anxiety, was taking medications....had a problem with her self-esteem (always down on herself "Guys like you dont like girls like me"...."Im not good enough for you"...."I dont deserve you"....She was unhappy with herself, how could I ever expect her to be happy with me....

 

Just have to let it go, the time isn't now, it will never be. She will never chose me, it is stupid to sit back and wait any longer. I feel good getting these feelings on this post, its better than being an idiot again and talking to her on how I feel.

Edited March 5, 2011 by KennyD

[KennyD]

so sorry to be reading this Kenny.

 

 

Just take this last part as a positive not everyone is like this and don't let her make you bitter based on her SELFISH behavior.

 

I guess pretty much those are the its all about me types.

 

 

I know that. She has told me herself, what she was doing was selfish.

 

People arent like this, I realize that. I just wanted to give it my all, be there for her....now I don't want to give her anything, and be gone once and for all....for myself. I tried my best, it didn't work....I even went back to see if things would be different-- they weren't.

 

I can write about this now, feeling the conclusion is here.

 

What I disliked the most, is when I would try to stop talking to her (I admitted about a month or two ago that I could not keep doing this unless she would commit to me....and broke down 4 days later to talk to her again.)...I got the whole "I guess I wasn't worth the pain! Just leave me a lone"...which would preempt me to console her and next thing I know, I was the bad guy who "hurt her".....

 

Well, nobody is worth this much pain. As much as I want to talk to her, I know its not going to change anything. I was asked to leave her alone by the guy trying to get the family together, I will respect his wishes. If she resents him for blocking her out of my life...good enough. Hurt people, hurt people guys....and this is a textbook example of how I enabled myself to be abused, time and time again. I have lost all respect for myself, I will admit that I was blinded by what I thought was "true" love....when in turn I believe it was just lust...she loved "the thought" of me...thats all.

 

Note: Before anybody gets the wrong idea, let's make it clear- I would never hurt myself due to something like this. It is emotional pain, I would never inflict physical pain on me, her, or this other guy. My heart and head will not coincide, my heart wants something that my head knows isn't there...8 months later I am still trying to recover....I didnt know any better and thought after a few months we could be friends....the problem is my feelings never went away and here I am now. Separation is the best thing for me at this point. If she was sorry, she would be at my house-- but honestly guys, after all of this....it wouldnt even matter. She isnt ready, she will never be-- its just the thought of me.

 

I get up in the morning the past month and look at myself and just repeat "She isnt going to chose me kenny, stop it". That helps, just have to convince myself. Friends are sick of hearing it, I sound like a broken record...but hey love will make you do crazy things.

 

The text message about stopping talking, is my way out. I do not need to make the mistake of trying to contact her, I need to take this WAY OUT AS MY CHANCE FOR HAPPINESS. Misery loves company, this is my chance out....Im going to take it. I cant be blamed for anything, I cant be "the *******"...no, I will be the bigger man, show everybody that I am a stand up guy....and respect his wishes.

 

I deleted her phone number from my phone (Although I remember it by heart), and deleted her off my FB (I did this last time too, she got very upset and said I was a kid and needed to grow up...). No contact means no contact...you had it all and you threw it away!

Edited March 5, 2011 by KennyD

[KennyD]

One thing I need to mention...I'm 25 years old and she is 23 . I keep hearing everybody telling me you gotta go out and meet new girls, etc, etc. I truthfully feel, it would not be right for me to start going after new girls when I am IN LOVE with someone. I would just be doing what was done to me.

 

I enjoy staying in, I work alot and my home is my sanctuary. I always keep my mind occupied, whether it be researching business adventures, getting the low down on my favorite sports team, playing video games to pass time, or just communicating with my friends online. I dislike the club and bar scene (parents were alcoholics), and am not looking for someone at the time-- it just would not be fair to the other person, or me.

 

The reason I loved her so much, was she was into the same things I was, we had a lot in common. I liked the fact she was a mother, that never threw me off. I would have accepted the role of what she needed, and I made it clear it did not scare me.

 

I realize, she has some business to finish with this baby daddy fellow (I feel so ghetto saying that, but thats the term now a days)....and I am not a proiority. I know the kid is number one in her life. I just feel the kid will know if "mommy isn't happy", but I am old enough to accept the fact that it's NONE of my business...and I can only show her a door-- not push her through it (although pushing her down some stairs might sound a little better, LOL J/k)

 

"I'd rather be miserable and unhappy as long as my baby is spoiled"-- I will never forget that quote....okay then be miserable.

 

And my friends, I type about 100wpm, so if it seems like I am spending all day here, it's only taking me a few minutes-- and it is better than contacting my ex!

Edited March 5, 2011 by KennyD

[KennyD]

Well, I went to eat with a friend of mine. She has 2 kids, I've known her for a long time but we havent actually "hung out" (we talk on FB all the time). She is with a good guy, the father of her kids (I get along with him, he knows Im just hanging out, nothing more). Discussed this with her, she cant believe this person would do that....as a mom I value her opinion because she knows what it's like to make decisions about kids.

 

That killed a few hours, just catching up and explaining how it all went down. I went home unfortunately and began breaking down again...I have really never experienced pain such as this. It seems to linger, and wont go away. A constant feeling of sadness. I will get really upset, then break down and cry a little...then back to normal (embarrassing to admit). It's been like this for about 4-5 months. I was always a happy person....I let her misery get to me and in turn I became miserable... (misery loves company). I learned that if someone is unhappy....you can do everything...it won't make a difference. Painful lesson I know, but I had to learn it. I would always tell her how nice she looked, how great a person she was...but it seemed like she never believed me..."When you are so used to getting treated like crap, you kinda just get used to it". (I will keep using quotes verbatim from her...I have a good memory unfortunately and remember what people say to me). When I met her, I felt it mind blowing how she was never really treated nice.....so I opened up that world for her. I would take care of her after work (give her massages, etc), ask her how the kid was doing....remind her she is a great person and can do anything she wants....but in reality-- why did I waste all this effort? My only answer for you guys is...because I loved her and I just wanted to show her there are other options out there....that you don't have to settle for someone just because you think there isn't anything else out there...

 

Still havent talked to her, just going to keep posting on here...its so weird not to talk to someone you used to chat with periodically throughout the days. Oh well, guess it wasn't that important to you...

 

I feel much better expressing everything on here. This is my release...and this is a healthy alternative from doing harm or holding them inside. I'm open with my feelings (a gift and a curse), I hate keeping things inside-- at least I can type it here...even if it isnt to her I feel a weight off my shoulders. I feel like this is a conclusion to a crazy year...and I can finally now type and talk about it because I feel things are finally over....regardless if it wasn't what I wanted-- it's how it is....and there isnt anything I can do about it

Edited March 5, 2011 by KennyD

[angelboots]

hey kenny,

 

Yup looks like we r going through similar things right now. Im happy to keep n eye on your NC journal too n see how you are holding up. I feel your angst but ultimately i have faith that we r doing the best thing right now taking back control and pushing forward with our lives we will get there it just takes time

[angel915]

"She has depression and anxiety, was taking medications....had a problem with her self-esteem (always down on herself "Guys like you dont like girls like me"...."Im not good enough for you"...."I dont deserve you"....She was unhappy with herself, how could I ever expect her to be happy with me...."

 

Hi Kenny,

I'm sorry to hear that you're heart is still hurting. It takes awhile before the pain will gradually go away. You are right, it's not the best time for you to look for a relationship but keep your doors open. Sometimes that special someone may come to you when you least expect it.

Your ex-girlfriend has a lot of baggage. She's dealing with her ex and a child plus depression and anxiety. I don't think she can handle another man in her life when she already has a lot to deal with. You're probably one of the positive things happening in her life that's why she's holding to you. It is wrong to lead you on and make you wait for her. She's being selfish and playing a guilt trip on you is unfair. You clearly love her and accept her child. She knows this and takes advantage of your feelings.

I'm glad that you realize what she's doing to you is wrong. Unfriending her on fb, deleting her phone number from your phone is the first step of cutting her off. If she calls you and tries to reconnect with you, I think it would be better if you change your number to prevent temptation.

Give yourself time, the right woman will come to you. You seem like a wonderful guy. Your ex is a very negative person and she will drag you down with her. Avoid negative people at all cost!

She will drain your life out of you. And don't ever feel bad for her when she says "guys like you don't like girls like me"---it's just a ploy to suck you back in. Part of her manipulating your emotions.

I also have depression and currently taking medication but I don't make others feel guilty or bad so I would feel better. That's why I'm taking meds. She has other issues beyond depression. Your decision to stay away is the right thing to do.

 

Good luck and hopefully the pain will go away soon.

You will find ms. right for you and you'll be glad that you didn't end up with her.

[KennyD]

Day 3.

 

Waking up...breaking down. Feeling horrible....why the f*ck how can you keep doing this to me? Memories of all that was said...the good times...fill my mind and I begin to cry uncontrollably due to the pain that is in my chest....why...I cant explain it anymore.

 

The "Omg sorry about earlier" text she sent 4 days ago is killing me. What the hell, did you not know he told me to stop? What sucks is we WORK TOGETHER, which always made it so much more difficult. I limited my days there to just 1 (tuesday nights) due to my other job a few months ago....but I still go in there a lot because I have friends, get paychecks, etc...

 

All i wanted was to go to the movies with you, spend some time with you.....I asked you to go , you said "SURE I'd love to", and then the next morning your ****head kids father blows it off. DONT YOU REALIZE IF YOU DIDN'T F*CK UP, I wouldnt be in the picture? Now, the pain worsens because I know all this guy has to do is give her attention, and Kenny is OUT ON THE STREET-- LIKE THE TRASH.....

 

That is a terrible feeling. And I'm sorry, I don't wish you happiness anymore- You deserve to be miserable for what you have done to me. I know your not supposed to wish harm on others....but the way this was handled shows you have no compassion. Your "love" is not real...my love was just taken for granted. What's it matter if someone says they love you, WHEN YOU HAVE ANOTHER MAN SAYING THE SAME THING.

 

Go ahead be with that *******....or wait, I thought you said "I want to be single and do me". YEAH THAT MAKES SENSE, be single with baby daddy playing HOUSE with you.

 

What a horrible thing to do to somebody....I came in with nothing but GOOD intentions. You are too blind to see the light I bring to the table...you are stuck in your own depressive ways. Manipulate me to think otherwise, then stab me in the back again.

 

Sadly, it looks like I will never get closure for this. How the hell do you say you are in love with someone and then a few days later just burn them. So go stay with him, or whoever....I'm sure they "will change" for you-- HOW'D THAT WORK OUT LAST TIME?

 

<sighs> F*ck

[KennyD]

 

You're probably one of the positive things happening in her life that's why she's holding to you. It is wrong to lead you on and make you wait for her. She's being selfish and playing a guilt trip on you is unfair. You clearly love her and accept her child. She knows this and takes advantage of your feelings.

I'm glad that you realize what she's doing to you is wrong. Unfriending her on fb, deleting her phone number from your phone is the first step of cutting her off.

 

 

She knew I would wait. Do you know why I would wait? BECAUSE I FELT it was worth it. I felt it was all worth it, give her time, give her space...let her figure out her life. I did all of that, I stepped back months ago. She knows I love her....and she told me "I dont want you to wait for me, but I do"...one of those half ass answers. She threw out the possibilities of dating again..."I want you back"....she knew I wanted her back as well.....to play with someones emotions is terrible. She has told me many times she feels she is being selfish for what she is doing....

 

But listen guys, you don't end things that way. You just don't. I'm a human being, a simple "Im not interested" would have sufficed. Not blowing me off and having baby daddy handle it for you....that is wrong. Ignoring me now, is even worse. I would love to know what the hell happened....but I guess I will never know.

 

She was on a weight loss plan, I was quitting smoking....we were supporting each other. I need all the support I can get (quitting smoking is difficult, I use a electronic cigarette and am on day 65 of no tobacco)...and I wanted to support her. We would say I love you to each other whenever we got off the phone (which btw, she made me feel guilty months ago-- "You never say I love you anymore on the phone..."....GOOD TACTIC...so I began saying it (i felt it anyway, i just didnt want to say it because things were up in the air at the time and didnt want to pressure anybody). I would always text her in the morning "Good morning beautiful", things like that...she always loved it ("Please dont stop sending me those texts in the morning")...I figured hey, if I can't see you, at least I'll let you know Im thinking of you and wish you a good day.

 

All this....and here I am....writing about my loss. I lost this in June 2010....re-run ran until March 2011. The pain has doubled now, due to the second attack of feelings. I'm just blindsided...in disbelief.

[angelboots]

you will get closure Kenny I promise you that.. but the closure will only come when you really see this for what it is.. the nice girl you fell in love with... doesn't exist.. ass hole or not she loves her ex or she wouldn't have him there, kid or no kid.

 

My ex was playing me around behind his ex's back... he lead me on for a year only to go running back to her every time she gave him the time of day..

 

At first all my anger was directed at her, i kept thinking "how dare she come running back when we are so happy together"

 

then after a while i realised that if he loved me he wouldn't go running back to her at ANY point.. something he assured me when we tried our last run through this last week and the eye opener for me was realising they were constantly playing myself and the guys she dated off one and other.

 

Its a dance we are better off not wanting to be a part of.. I dont want to win him if it means i get to be the booby prize.. knowing that he really wanted her but couldn't get her back, i dont want to be settled for i deserve better then that and so do you. You can private message me in here any time you want to talk.

 

Im sorry your hurting I feel your pain for sure.

[KennyD]

You are right.....actions speak louder than words.

You didnt love me...you loved "the thought" of someone like me. You will never pick me....I will not be chosen. I just feel my love was wasted on someone who didnt appreciate it. If you did....I wouldn't be here right now. But, look-- I AM.

[angelboots]

exactly.. i still worry though that one day i might just "chose" someone though.. I hadn't let myself feel anything close to what i felt with my ex with anyone before... it seems like such a waste.

 

If he only knew how sincere my words were when i told him I loved him completely.. well I guess it doesnt change a thing any way...

 

I cant help but think he might have thought differently about me.. turns out he didn't love me a single time he said it not the way I meant it, with the emotion I felt behind those words.. he loved the "thought" of someone like me too... That is still a sore point of mine too

[KennyD]

Yes I understand...the "thought" of that is devastating.

 

 

I'll never forget like 3 months ago, she came over we were hanging out (trying the friends route)....

 

"Don't call us friends that's kind of not what this is-- we are LOVERS"

 

.....<sighs> OMG man WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[angelboots]

far out... similar here ... He would go on about how I had all of his love.. he had never felt love like it before, i was the most amazing girl he has ever known.. I am worth ten of his ex's hands down,,, blah blah blah.... she is a bitch, she cheated, she ran off with hes friend.. she got him fired...

 

yet it was all bull... every word? If she was all that then how is what she is offering better then what I was offering? Guess its the fact she doesn't want him back that had him come and knock on my door again... I was thinking it meant he had realised his mistake and genuinely wanted me..

 

I can imagine how your heart sunk when her ex contacted you on "her behalf".. mine fell through the floor when I saw hes messages to her... asking her back at the same time as trying to woo me back gutted doesn't begin to describe that feeling

[KennyD]

"I just want you to know, I think you are the most amazing man I have ever met in my life"

 

You know what bothered me? Usually, there's a SENTENCE after that..."but just not for me".....

 

Not to mention, how she "has feelings" for my best friend/roommate and tried to kiss him one night (we werent dating at the time, they happened to be at the same bar with some friends from work). He told me about it...said he told him "I love Kenny....as a friend". Anthony asked her "Well you need to tell him then"...she replied "Its just Mike BEATS me and doesnt give me attention...I will tell kenny when the time is right" Boy did that destroy me. When I asked her about it, instead of being honest, she told off my friend and started saying how hes a cheater, etc and what she is doing is no different than what he is doing. That was months ago, when we were just friends....or uh, lovers?

 

When I asked her....she says no, I love you more than a friend kenny.

 

as you can see, I kept enabling her to hurt me. stupid move...stupid move. I believed people make mistakes...and to forgive the ones you love. its textbook masochistic behavior that I seemingly enjoy (as sick as that sounds).

 

And for everybody reading this...I want to be clear. I stayed and waited because I wanted to make sure there was nothing left....

 

There is nothing left. And this is why I write about it now....because I have to accept that nothing can come of this....and I tried the best I could guys, I gave it my all.....and when you get left with nothing IT HURTS...hurts like a knife stabbing the chest.

Edited March 6, 2011 by KennyD

[KennyD]

And this is why I am here....to cope with my loss. I know I am not alone.

 

I hadnt dated anybody in 4 years prior to this, I seemingly forgot how bad it feels when it doesnt work.

 

I am going to do some shopping soon and buy myself some new clothes (Been putting that off for a year or so)....get a haircut, play basketball (I dont like lifting weights or going to the gym) and run....Let her see what she's missing (what she left behind). But I don't do it for her, I do it for myself.

 

She will resent him for doing this. This is my way out....I need to take it. She will regret her decision, but I won't be there this time....THIRD TIME ISN'T THE CHARM. And then you can wake up to that ugly piece of ***** drunk/abuser every morning and let him make you miserable every day. What's it matter, you like the pain why don't you go cut yourself again....oh wait, thats right you just like THE ATTENTION.

[angelboots]

And for everybody reading this...I want to be clear. I stayed and waited because I wanted to make sure there was nothing left....

 

Thats exactly WHY we stay with these ppl and go back time and time again.. I know I have done the same not only with this relationship but also with my daughters dad and others... I guess some of us are wired to attract and fall for these types sadly.. your not alone there either.

 

Im talking about relationship abuse with teens on air this morning.. in an hour actually.. as the rise in teen dating abuse is getting alarming and these kids not knowing the difference of what is healthy and unhealthy at the start of their dating paths all seem to think it means "passion"....

 

Good for you for going out to buy some clothes and stuff, but make sure you do it for you to feel better about you! stuff what she thinks

[KennyD]

Yeah it's all for me now. Ranting enough, just felt good to get it off my chest these past few days.

 

Pent up from the past year, needless to say I had a lot of feelings about all this. Time to help myself.

[KennyD]

The thing that I just don't get guys...is how I get that text "Omg sorry about earlier". It kills me because I don't know what happened, or why all this has gone down. I would have been fine if she had told me "Listen Kenny, I have to work things out with Mike. We love each other, and we have a child together. Please let me work this out." The truth would have been great everybody. I would have had no problem, knowing the situation. (The keywords here are- KNOWING THE SITUATION). But instead of that, I get blindsided.

 

I will say this again, had I known the situation (He was trying to make it work between them)...I would have stopped months ago. And now that I know, I stopped. It just pains me because she just flipped a switch on me. Again.

 

Don't worry, you can have all the time you want. You blew it, again. And it sucks because I let you back in, after you tore my heart off. But, the more I read on here, the less I am surprised-- society in itself is beginning to turn downhill. All I read are situations like mine, its pretty ridiculous how we are becoming savage people with no morals. Not everybody, but the list is increasing

[angelboots]

going the old school style of breaking down messages i would see her " omg im so sorry about earlier" as meaning "omg im so sorry I have been caught out playing both sides of the fence.. just giving you a crumb so you dont think I am a bad person for ripping your heart out and using you as an emotional sponge for the past year"...

 

A lot of the "crumbs" we get are usually more about their easing their guilt about a situation then actually comforting us.. its about them.. getting an ego boost.. more sex.. more money.. comfort that we dont hate them... to see if the door is still open to be used again...

 

What upsets me is the fact that when we do give them a chance.. or respond.. we just look desperate or dumb to them... I am not stupid OR dumb.. just pathetic i think lol

 

Also like you I hate that they couldnt just be honest.. that annoys me so friggen bad.. I am a big girl.. I am strong.. I am mature.. I can handle the truth at any point and act like an adult with the information at hand. If at any point my ex told me "look I love my ex wife, we have kids, I am not ready for a relationship but sometimes I feel alone and worthless and during those times can i talk to you?" I would have said no worries.... and NOT have fallen in love with him... simple. When they push their love on you and you return it in kind... why do they play it that way?

Edited March 7, 2011 by angelboots

[KennyD]

Well my friends, I am here to announce I am both happy, and sad.

 

Today at work at my full-time job, it was terrible...I was going insane in my head. I broke down, and went to my job to talk to her. It was bothering me to the point of going crazy.

 

She was working up front, I got a soda and went to check out. She looked kind of sad, I said "Hello" and got my drink. Then, f*ck it, let it out..."So, you really don't want me to talk to you anymore?" And bam, **** hit the fan

 

She said she knew that he had texted me back, but not the contents of what was about. She didnt see my reply, and didnt know what he was doing. That is why she said "Omg sorry about earlier". Well, when I replied, he had her phone, and deleted all texts as well as my phone number.

 

I told her what he said to me, and you should have seen the look on her face. She turned red and angry lol.

 

Anyway, I summed it up, she was saying it hasnt been a good week for her at all and that her and the ex are not on good terms anymore. (LOL heard that before). Then, i look and I see a bandage on her wrist. She began talking about it, and I looked at her and she said "Its not from me or mike....I got into a fist fight with his mother over the weekend". LOL...she also looks like a mess guys.

 

She said "Yeah, he is trying to work on it, I dont want to, It's been 6 years kenny, im done!!!"

 

So, I said "Ok, have a good day" and out the door I went.

 

I feel so much better, telling her whats been on my mind for 4 days. I know it makes absolutely no difference, but I feel that a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Now I will let that "simmer" in her mind. She is definitely not ready for anything with me, why should I even bother anymore. She looks like a wreck, I almost pity her-- but then....its her choice

 

Some of you may sit here and go "But you talked to her, you broke NC, you are weak". No guys, I did the right thing, and talked face to face. I can tell that I am just going to create problems for her and this guy-- the fact that he tried to get rid of me, is a sign that the future would be very rocky. I do not want some guy coming after me, because I just saw what happened to my roommate after something similar happened. No, she is in no mind state for someone of my kind....and she will never be again

 

I just need to take the next train out of here. Do you guys hear it? It's the last call, and the whistle is blowing!!! I feel vindicated! !!!! BACK TO NC baby. Yes, I slipped once for 1 minute, so I will consider today a VLC (very little contact). Back to NC!

Edited March 7, 2011 by KennyD

[KennyD]

At the end of day 4.

 

The day was terrible, until I got off work and grew some balls and confronted the situation.

 

I am better than this, there is no reason to be stuck on a miserable unhappy person.

 

The day is mine, Im so sick of feeling bad. Things will never work out between us, it's alright and its her loss. Sure we chatted for a little, what does that change? NOTHING. She will forever be with this guy, why do I need to even bother. She doesnt deserve someone like me, as she has always said.