ImageofLove Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 (edited) Hi all, I am new to this forum so hello! I have read some past threads regarding how long to wait in a relationship if your partner is not proposing but everyone's situation is unique. I am 32 and my partner is 38. We have been together for 4yrs, 5mths and lived together for 2yrs, 4mths. The first 2yrs of our relationship it was long distance and he came back every 2nd weekend. 1yr into our relationship he asked me what I would say if he asked me to marry him and I was a bit taken aback and said that I'm too young. He told me I could move into his place and then he found out he was moving back to our state. He never brought marriage up again. 1 1/2yrs ago I brought it up but I was angry that he hadn't brought it up for so long and I figured he had changed his mind about me but he said it was because his work was stressful and he had thought about it. He seemed closed off to talking about it but said he wanted to 'spend his life with me'. He then told me he had a talk with himself and told himself to grow up. He now seems more open about it but hasn't proposed yet so not sure how long to wait. In one breath he says he would marry me tomorrow but in another breath he says that he wants to propose when he's ready to! Very confusing! I'm not fussed about getting married right now but he has all of the resources to buy me a ring so I'm starting to wonder if he is BS me and just stalling! We have all heard of the men that don't marry someone they have been with for yrs and yrs but meet someone else and marry them after a yr or 2! What do you think? Thanks! Edited March 4, 2011 by ImageofLove
D-Lish Posted March 4, 2011 Posted March 4, 2011 I think he's been clear that he just wants to ask on his own terms. No man wants to ask a woman to marry him under pressure, so I think if you just relax a little and remain patient, he'll ask in good time. If you told him a couple years back that you felt you were a little young to be married, it's possible he felt a small semblence of rejection. Now that he knows you are ready and it's something you want, I think he just needs to build up to the idea of asking again. I don't think you'll have to wait long. Just take the pressure out of the situation, don't bring it up, and I bet he'll come around sooner rather than later.
Author ImageofLove Posted March 5, 2011 Author Posted March 5, 2011 Thanks D-Lish . I guess I'm worried about being patient because he should have asked me by now. I have seen my friends partners propose to them and all of the excuses I have read that men make don't seem to apply to my friends partners. They just propose! This may mean that I'm not the person he wants to marry but he doesn't want to tell me. If someone wants something enough they normally go to great lengths to get it. Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do? Thanks
Eeyore79 Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 He is definitely old enough to get married, and so are you. Normally I'd say if he isn't ready by age 38 after over 4 years of dating, he'll never be ready, and I'd encourage you to consider moving on before it's too late. But there are some special circumstances here. It sounds like he considered marriage earlier on but you put him off the idea by saying you weren't ready, so maybe he felt rejected and doesn't want to ask again, or maybe he thinks he might scare you off since you said marriage was not what you wanted. So you may need to indicate more strongly that marriage is what you want and you're ready now. If he still doesn't man up, you'll have to have a more serious talk about the future of your relationship. State clearly that you feel the relationship has stalled and you want to know whether he intends marriage or whether you should consider moving on. If he says he intends to marry you, ask him what his timescale is... within six months, or a year, or another four years? "When I'm ready" simply isn't good enough. If he won't commit to a reasonable timescale (I'd say engagement before the five year mark is plenty of time) then you really need to consider cutting your losses and moving on.
Author ImageofLove Posted March 5, 2011 Author Posted March 5, 2011 Thanks Eeyore79:). A while ago I asked him why he brought up marriage so early in the relationship but then said nothing for a long time after. He said that he didn't know, that he didn't give it much thought. When I pushed him for an answer he said maybe it was him being immature and wanting me to move interstate with him. He also said he thought I was quite happy to continue as we were, which I was. We have had lots of discussions about marriage but only when I bring it up. He is getting a bit better and says 'when we get married...' but he seems a little awkward when he says it and mostly it leads to a joke. Last year I asked when he would like to be engaged and he said Christmas 2010. That came and went. At the start of this year I told him I was upset that he hadn't at least asked me what type of ring I might like or gotten a quote on a ring. He said he would get a quote in the next couple of months because he doesn't want to lose me. I have the feeling he hasn't gotten this promised quote. I guess the biggest thing is I don't want to be fooled here and my instinct tells me that he may just continue to push it forward. I am torn between enjoying our great relationship and being nice, patient and relaxed and pulling away to protect my emotions and prepare myself for a break up. Any other advice? Thanks
Eeyore79 Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 Gosh, its a tough one... It sounds like you have a nice relationship, and it obviously works because it's lasted so long, but at the same time it doesn't sound like it's heading towards marriage. Would you be happy if you had a good relationship which lasted but never led to marriage? (I wouldn't, I'm just asking). If he said he never wanted to marry but planned to stay with you, would you leave, or would you accept that? I don't want to advocate my personal "marriage or nothing" agenda if you would actually be satisfied with remaining unmarried. The problem is that you want him to want to marry you, you don't want to feel like you're forcing him into it. If either of you feels like he's been coerced into proposing, neither of you will be really happy. Is there any good reason why he hasn't proposed? Is he waiting for a promotion, finishing school, or otherwise not at the right point in his life? Is he afraid of commitment? What is clear is that he's fobbing you off with excuses and for whatever reason he doesn't want to marry you - you need to find out what that reason is. It might just be that he's comfortable with the current situation in which he has a live-in gf who does everything a wife would do but without the commitment. In an ideal world you wouldn't have put all your cards on the table right away, and would have held some back in order to motivate marriage (e.g. not moving in with him). As it is now, he has all the benefits of marriage with none of the drawbacks. He doesn't necessarily want to lose you, he just doesn't see any benefit in marrying you. He's calling your bluff; he doesn't think you'll leave if he doesn't marry you. An ultimatum won't work; he'll just feel defensive, like you're nagging. You can't make any demands without turning him off marriage even more. What you can do is tell him where you stand without demanding anything from him. You're basically saying "it's cool if you don't want to marry, but marriage is something I want in my life, so I have to move on now because we obviously want different things". Then start withdrawing his privileges while you're making arrangements to move on - no sex, cooking dinner, or snuggling on the sofa. The plan is that he'll realize how much he wants to keep those things, but he won't feel like he's being pressured into proposing, and he'll propose of his own accord in order to halt your departure. However this is a last resort strategy, and you have to follow through with leaving if he doesn't come up with a proposal.
Author ImageofLove Posted March 5, 2011 Author Posted March 5, 2011 (edited) Thanks for the great advice! I would like to get married one day so it's not an option to live as partners for the rest of our lives. I asked him so many times for a reason why he hasn't proposed so I could make a decision whether I stay or go. We had so many fights over this, as he always said "there is no reason" and this frustrated me so much. There is always a reason for what people do or don't do! So when I pushed for a reason for the hundreth time he said he wants it to be perfect, it takes time to organise a ring, there are some things he has to do on his own (organising a ring quote) and wants to propose when he's ready and not pushed into it. I understand this but I have always said that I would like to choose a ring together with the person I marry. This is why I think he is stalling. He also has no reason to not propose that I can see (he earns great money, has friends that design jewellery and has good taste when buying something for somebody else). The hardest thing is knowing whether he is lying to me or if he's just slow. When I have questioned him he says he does believe in marriage, wants to marry me etc but how long do you go on listening to this when his actions aren't matching his words! I think I should tell him that I need to move on as you said and remove all benefits. Thanks again Edited March 5, 2011 by ImageofLove
Eeyore79 Posted March 5, 2011 Posted March 5, 2011 He isn't necessarily lying to you when he says he wants to marry you when he's ready - he's just stalling and procrastinating and putting off ever being ready, and he could easily continue to do this for another decade or more. He obviously wants to keep you around (hence the empty promises) but he doesn't see any benefit in marrying you - plus he knows he can stall for as long as he wants and you'll still be hanging around waiting. What you need to do is make him aware of the benefits of marrying you and how much he has to lose, while indicating that you're planning to leave. You can't sit around forever waiting on empty promises - at some point you may simply have to accept that his promises are hollow and his actions will never match up, and cut your losses. Ironically this may be the point at which he finally gets the message, when he sees that you really mean it.
Author ImageofLove Posted March 9, 2011 Author Posted March 9, 2011 Thanks Eeyore, I think you have described it perfectly! I appreciate all of your advice. I watched him the other day when there was a TV advertisement about diamond rings and he looked away and started distracting our conversation to a scratch on the table! He has done this a few times. I feel like I'm checking out emotionally already and probably just need to listen to my instinct. Thanks again!
Recommended Posts