Jessica232 Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 I'm baffled by my MM's behavior since I told his W about our relationship. We spoke a few days after I emailed her, and he was very hurt. He met me, and we talked for about an hour. We didn't talk for week. I ended up checking in on him, because I was worried, and to be honest, I missed him. We ended up talking again, in depth. He said that he could not continue the lying, and that I needed to let him go. He said he didn't know what was going to happen with his M, but that he felt he could never trust me. There were a lot of tears and hugs, and it felt like a goodbye. We work together, and since then he has emailed me and come around to talk, but if I try to talk about personal things between he and I, I don't get a response. I'm not really sure what I want, but I would certainly like to understand him more. Is it normal for a MM to not hate you if you tell the W?? I do know I cannot be with him like before, but I haven't yet given up the hope that things will work out.
SoleMate Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 He said he can't trust you...and he's right. :-( You can't trust him either. "Is it normal?" Who knows. And who cares. PLEASSSSSEEEEEEEE....let this MARRIED man go and find ANY BLEEPING single man INSTEAD of him! Do you realize...that marriage is hard? That some men, and some women, shy away from addressing their own marital issues? That they'd rather find some cheap comfort elsewhere? Do you really want to be part of that? Please find yourself a single man. It's more wholesome, it's more sane, it's more sanitary. God bless.
bentnotbroken Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 What a piece of work he is. Can't trust you. Almost laughable....almost. I hope she makes his life hell until he leaves and finds himself miserable lonely and no one able to trust him.
carrie999 Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 What a piece of work he is. Can't trust you. Almost laughable....almost. I hope she makes his life hell until he leaves and finds himself miserable lonely and no one able to trust him. Good for you for telling her! Don't let him make you feel like you did something wrong. The very fact that he doesn't seem to hate you and is still talking to you suggests one of two things: he knows he's wrong and you are not, or he is trying to maintain the image of you two being okay so that his work reputation isn't destroyed. Either way, he's not worth the heartache and you're better off having ended this on your terms.
NoIDidn't Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 I'd say he is mad at you. He said he couldn't trust you, ever. That's pretty upset to me. Seems like he's done with the A, not his M. Maybe you should consider giving up the hope that things could work out between the two of you when he won't even discuss personal things with you. I think he's done. Sorry.
NoIDidn't Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 Good for you for telling her! Don't let him make you feel like you did something wrong. The very fact that he doesn't seem to hate you and is still talking to you suggests one of two things: he knows he's wrong and you are not, or he is trying to maintain the image of you two being okay so that his work reputation isn't destroyed. Either way, he's not worth the heartache and you're better off having ended this on your terms. But he's not talking to her other than work related stuff. The OP said if she gets personal, she gets no response.
carrie999 Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 But he's not talking to her other than work related stuff. The OP said if she gets personal' date=' she gets no response.[/quote'] Yes, and that makes me think that he's avoiding talking to her honestly at all because he wants to maintain a "professional" relationship (i.e.; not let anyone on to the fact that he cheated) or he really isn't mad and wants to keep that line of communication with her open...if only so that he doesn't end up completely alone (options still open) if his wife leaves him.
NoIDidn't Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 Yes, and that makes me think that he's avoiding talking to her honestly at all because he wants to maintain a "professional" relationship (i.e.; not let anyone on to the fact that he cheated) or he really isn't mad and wants to keep that line of communication with her open...if only so that he doesn't end up completely alone (options still open) if his wife leaves him. I don't know that I agree with that. The OP seems to believe that he isn't mad, but he won't address her concerns about a "them" if he won't speak about personal things. If anything, I think he's being rude and dismissive. And I don't know why anyone, OP included, would waste their time and hope on a man that tells them they don't think they'll ever be able to trust them. He's not yelling or throwing things, or even insulting the OP that we know of, but he can't be happy about finding out that he can't trust the OP. He might not hate the OP for telling his W, but that doesn't mean that it didn't upset him for a moment. Either that, or he really is a decent guy that got in over his head and was relieved that the OP told and he didn't have to sneak around and like to his W anymore. Maybe he wanted to end the A and see if the M would stand without the bandaid of the A? Either way, I'm not seeing a man that's keeping his options open, unless its for a woman he can trust not to go running to his W.
Author Jessica232 Posted March 1, 2011 Author Posted March 1, 2011 I should clarify a little more. He has talked about personal things every time we've met, but I tend to send him a lot of emails about my feelings, most of which he doesn't respond to. I've gotten some response, but not what I'd hope to get. He goes out of his way to do things for me at work, but when I ask him of he still loves me, he says he's not answering that because he can't open himself up to me anymore. I understand his feelings on trusting me. I didn't just tell her about the A, I told her a lot of details. Though we haven't talked about it much, I definitely believe he's working on the M, why else would he cut off personal contact between us? I don't believe he's still talking to me at work to save his work image, as we agreed before I emailed W that we would keep my identity a secret, to protect our work, and he knows that people finding out would hurt me as much as it would hurt him. I feel like he still loves me, but he's unsure of what he wants. Like I said, I believe he's definitely trying to work out the M, as there are two kids involved, and he wants the best thing for them. I think he's trying to set boundaries with me, trying to stop lying, but I think it's difficult. He told me the first time we talked, two days after I told W, that we could not continue this now, but who know what the future holds. I'm just trying to see if there are others who have been in my situation, and how their MM reacted. Normal really went out the window, but I'm hurt and sad, and really want to understand better.
OWoman Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 Do you realize...that marriage is hard? That some men, and some women, shy away from addressing their own marital issues? That they'd rather find some cheap comfort elsewhere? "Cheap comfort"??? :lmao:
OWoman Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 I'm baffled by my MM's behavior since I told his W about our relationship. We spoke a few days after I emailed her, and he was very hurt. He met me, and we talked for about an hour. We didn't talk for week. I ended up checking in on him, because I was worried, and to be honest, I missed him. We ended up talking again, in depth. He said that he could not continue the lying, and that I needed to let him go. He said he didn't know what was going to happen with his M, but that he felt he could never trust me. There were a lot of tears and hugs, and it felt like a goodbye. We work together, and since then he has emailed me and come around to talk, but if I try to talk about personal things between he and I, I don't get a response. I'm not really sure what I want, but I would certainly like to understand him more. Is it normal for a MM to not hate you if you tell the W?? I do know I cannot be with him like before, but I haven't yet given up the hope that things will work out. What was your intention in telling her?
ver13 Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 I'm baffled by my MM's behavior since I told his W about our relationship. We spoke a few days after I emailed her, and he was very hurt. He met me, and we talked for about an hour. We didn't talk for week. I ended up checking in on him, because I was worried, and to be honest, I missed him. We ended up talking again, in depth. He said that he could not continue the lying, and that I needed to let him go. He said he didn't know what was going to happen with his M, but that he felt he could never trust me. There were a lot of tears and hugs, and it felt like a goodbye. We work together, and since then he has emailed me and come around to talk, but if I try to talk about personal things between he and I, I don't get a response I'm not really sure what I want, but I would certainly like to understand him more. Is it normal for a MM to not hate you if you tell the W?? I do know I cannot be with him like before, but I haven't yet given up the hope that things will work out. This is interesting indeed what did you think would happen? He is having a secret affair with someone at work who outed him to his W. An now he is supposed to talk about his feelings with you like he and her were just boyfriend and girlfriend? She is his W and he got caught in an affair IMO if I outed someone like that, I wouldn't want them trying to talk with me. If anything I would be worried about any interaction at the either the professional or personal level. I'm sure that he really doesn't have your best interest in mind right now seeing the position he is in at home. I mean put yourself in his place say you were M and doing the same thing with someone else. Unless you had laid seperation papers on your H prior to the outing wouldn't this put a damper on the let's sneak around thing. Oh yeah and now that the OM has busted you out to your H who you hadn't decided needed to know right now or else you would have done it yourself the OM wants to know what your true feelings are?
TurboGirl Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 (edited) What was your intention in telling her? Jessica... why did you tell the wife? When you tell the wife, you hurt HER. Did you think you would hurt him, or that he would miraclously leave her for you? He will leave, when and if HE is ready to do so. Not before. First hand experience talking, Jessica. I don't think he is that upset, really, not from what I read. He might secretly be relieved... now you won't be nagging him anymore to tell her, and HE doesn't have to be a super big bad guy & tell her and make her cry, you took care of that for him. Maybe he is happy that she knows, and if she needs to make changes & work on their marriage this is probably the catalyst. Seriously... if he said to you that he can't "trust you" that means he wanted to maintain the secret, Jessica. He had no intention of telling her or leaving, etc etc., and my guess is that he is trying to fix things at home. One more tiny suggestion... please quit emailing this guy. You will be happy later that you stopped telling him all you feelings. Ummm the emails, with all the emotional stuff, add in there you TOLD his wife about the affair... I think he is going to probably cool it for a while. Especially since you work together! Very bad for both of you if you care about your careers. Edited March 1, 2011 by TurboGirl
20Seconds Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 I'm baffled by my MM's behavior since I told his W about our relationship. I was wondering why you told her, too? Did he promise to tell her and then didn't?
fooled once Posted March 1, 2011 Posted March 1, 2011 Sounds like she told the wife so the wife would end the marriage since the cheater has no intention of ending the marriage. And it seems like it backfired.
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 but that he felt he could never trust me. There were a lot of tears and hugs, and it felt like a goodbye. We work together, and since then he has emailed me and come around to talk, but if I try to talk about personal things between he and I, I don't get a response. It's over. Also, he probably isn't getting angry at you because he doesn't want you to interfer in his life again. He may be afraid of what you 'could' do.. Not saying you would do something more or harrass him/his wife/family, but his behaviour certainly is telling you (not answering you personally) that he wants the A over and doesn't want to talk to you, other than business.
bentnotbroken Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 Jessica... why did you tell the wife? When you tell the wife, you hurt HER. Did you think you would hurt him, or that he would miraclously leave her for you? He will leave, when and if HE is ready to do so. Not before. First hand experience talking, Jessica. I don't think he is that upset, really, not from what I read. He might secretly be relieved... now you won't be nagging him anymore to tell her, and HE doesn't have to be a super big bad guy & tell her and make her cry, you took care of that for him. Maybe he is happy that she knows, and if she needs to make changes & work on their marriage this is probably the catalyst. Seriously... if he said to you that he can't "trust you" that means he wanted to maintain the secret, Jessica. He had no intention of telling her or leaving, etc etc., and my guess is that he is trying to fix things at home. One more tiny suggestion... please quit emailing this guy. You will be happy later that you stopped telling him all you feelings. Ummm the emails, with all the emotional stuff, add in there you TOLD his wife about the affair... I think he is going to probably cool it for a while. Especially since you work together! Very bad for both of you if you care about your careers. She hurt the wife long before she said a word to her.
Author Jessica232 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 What was your intention in telling her? At the moment in time I did it, I was very mad and just fed up with the situation. I definitely wanted out of the situation at that moment, but now looking back I think I wanted to force his hand, and I honestly never thought he and I would end, no matter what happened.
Author Jessica232 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 I was wondering why you told her, too? Did he promise to tell her and then didn't? No, he never made me any promises. He said he would never lie to me. But he did say that he was going to talk to her about his feelings, and their future together. That was about two weeks before I told her. Like I said, in the moment that I sent the email, I really wanted it to be over. My therapist says I couldn't live a lie anymore. Which is true..I had physical ailments due to the stress of the relationship (while it was good!) But now that it is over, I think not only did I want to end the lie, I wanted to know the true feelings of his heart, by forcing the issue. I'm hurt that nothing I believed was real.
Author Jessica232 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 She hurt the wife long before she said a word to her. I disagree that I hurt her. HE hurt her. I don't know her, she doesn't know me, I have no loyalty to her, he does. If I were in her shoes, I would want someone to let me know.
bentnotbroken Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 I disagree that I hurt her. HE hurt her. I don't know her, she doesn't know me, I have no loyalty to her, he does. If I were in her shoes, I would want someone to let me know. I didn't think you would agree. Not having loyalty to someone doesn't mean you shouldn't treat them the way you would want to be treated. You didn't treat her with respect or dignity. You didn't even tell her because you respected her and wanted to treat her with dignity. You did it because you were pissed off and were too weak to walk away on your own. Don't get me wrong...I am one of the one's who doesn't care what your reasons were for telling her...as long as she knows. But make no mistake loyalty had nothing to do with anything you have done thus for...to her, him or yourself, hence the position you are in.
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 No, he never made me any promises. He said he would never lie to me. But he did say that he was going to talk to her about his feelings, and their future together. That was about two weeks before I told her. Like I said, in the moment that I sent the email, I really wanted it to be over. My therapist says I couldn't live a lie anymore. Which is true..I had physical ailments due to the stress of the relationship (while it was good!) But now that it is over, I think not only did I want to end the lie, I wanted to know the true feelings of his heart, by forcing the issue. I'm hurt that nothing I believed was real. now where do you stand? Do you still want it over? To you, he was everything. It was more than affair. To him, it was an affair. Though I'm sure what he said to you during moments together he meant what he said at that time, but he really wasn't in any position to follow through. Also, you knew going in he was married with kids so it's not like you didn't know. Many MM lie and omit truths to their OW, not malciously but selfishly. Keep talking to your therapist and hopefully she can help you grieve and move on. I just hope you're choosing to walk away and not 'wait' for him.
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 I disagree that I hurt her. HE hurt her. I don't know her, she doesn't know me, I have no loyalty to her, he does. If I were in her shoes, I would want someone to let me know. When you spoke to her, did you tell her this? Just hope you owned your part in the affair and didn't pin it all on him. You went into this willingly. You helped to hurt her, as his affair partner. Yes, you have no loyality to her, but you did cause some of her pain by sleeping with her husband.
Author Jessica232 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Posted March 2, 2011 I didn't think you would agree. Not having loyalty to someone doesn't mean you shouldn't treat them the way you would want to be treated. You didn't treat her with respect or dignity. You didn't even tell her because you respected her and wanted to treat her with dignity. You did it because you were pissed off and were too weak to walk away on your own. Don't get me wrong...I am one of the one's who doesn't care what your reasons were for telling her...as long as she knows. But make no mistake loyalty had nothing to do with anything you have done thus for...to her, him or yourself, hence the position you are in. You hit the nail on the head...definitely to weak to walk away on my own. I had tried a few times, but we were much more emotional than physical, and it was hard. I knew we'd be over and he'd hate me (which is the point of this thread, him not hating me, still talking to me), or we'd be together. Either way the stress would come to an end (eventually).
fooled once Posted March 2, 2011 Posted March 2, 2011 You hit the nail on the head...definitely to weak to walk away on my own. I had tried a few times, but we were much more emotional than physical, and it was hard. I knew we'd be over and he'd hate me (which is the point of this thread, him not hating me, still talking to me), or we'd be together. Either way the stress would come to an end (eventually). He can't 'hate' you because he knows what you are capable of doing - emailing the wife, possibly telling people at work. He can't show you the anger because he doesn't know if you are a bunny boiler/stalker. And you did chose to hurt her when you chose to get involved with someone elses husband. Just like it hurts a parent when their kid gets hurt by another kid; the wife gets hurt when her husband cheats. I know you will say "I don't owe her anything - she isn't my wife" but she is a human being with feelings and married to someone. You sound very young and maybe you just really don't understand how devestating it is to find out the person who swore they loved you and wanted a life with you chose to break the vows and disrespect you by cheating with someone. When one person chooses to go after the spouse of someone else, to me it screams "I only care about ME and my wants, screw whoever gets hurt". Do unto others as you would want done to you. You never know what will happen down the road in life and you never know if one day, the wife could influence a work decision - or one of her family members or friends - and you are outed for having an affair with a married person. If a prospective employer knows that you don't have respect for another person (or their relationship), they most likely will not hire you because of the lack of ethics or morals. Many companies today are huge on Ethics and morals and every company I have worked for has required Ethics training. I also know that if someone who has a security clearance is found to be party to adultery, they will lose their clearance.
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