Why do we idolize or ex, It is so dangerous

[Anna86]

Hey, so here is my story. You can read it if you want http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t266262/.

 

To cut things short, ex broke up with me a month and a half ago. We were pretty shaky for a long time and I knew our time was coming to end it. I felt so unhappy with him but I didn't want to lose him. He dumped me before I had the courage to do it to him. I still love him and always did but he didn't make me feel secure and loved anymore.

 

Anyway, I adored my ex. I thought he was the best BF in the world. My friends, family and friends loved him so much. They all told me how I was on to a winner. He basically done ANYTHING for me for the first year and a half. He was there for me 100percent and I trusted him with my life. I would have done anything for him also. We made each other VERY happy.

 

Then, out of nowhere I suspected he was cheating. I just had this gut. He was acting shady. I have never been cheated on so I was not sure of the signs but they were obvious. He bought new clothes, his stories didn't add up. He acted distant and flaky. He wanted 'time to himself' and he was constantly on his phone.

 

This is the WORST part. I don't think it was one woman he was in contact with. I think it was many and any girl who showed interest in him. I noticed a few names popping up on his phone/email but they were not the same girls. He had an excuse for who they were but I am not convinced.

 

Is it possible that he just loved the thrill and chase of new girls? He got a lot of offers from girls, I was well aware. He told me that he loved me and not them. He was not always so confident but out of nowhere he turned really arrogant and sure of himself. I think this was due to his recent 'fame'. Many girls are shallow and go for men they think have high status.

 

This is what hurts, its not one girl I have to be hurt over. Its a fantasy of many girls chasing him that he wants. Is this normal behavior? Are most men like this when they get the opportunity?

 

When we broke up I was still in denial about all this. I could never fault him and he denied cheating to the bitter end. He swore to me and to this day will not admit he was chasing other women. I found out he was on an online dating site 2 days before we broke up. He said he wanted to meet someone to fill a void he felt with me after breaking up.

 

 

This is the HARD part, he has kept in contact with me all this time. Its only now that he is showing signs of regret and remorse. He wants to make it up to me buy taking me out for dinner and says he will always be there for me. Up to the point where I found him on the dating site I would have given him a second chance and tried to make it work.

 

But now that I have stopped idolizing him I can see his faults clearer and I don't think we will have a future. I still love him and wish that he could fix it somehow. But I don't think he can.

 

Anyway, has anyone any ideas on what happened? Has anyone else idolized their SO to the point where they believed all the lies? I just don't see how the perfect BF could just change to a complete ass#### in the space of a few weeks.

 

I am trying to resist meeting him as I am not sure of his motives. He said he just wants to be friends and doesn't want ANY GF for a long time. He wants single life. I guess this is because he can get extra attention. But what do u think his motives are? He says he loves me still and misses me more now. Do you think he wants his ego stroked? Or did he see the grass is not always greener on the other side.....

[timchambo]

yep this happened with me for a short period. Only lasted about a week, two tops. We were together over 7 years. I think the only reason I tried to rationalize her stepping out was because I wanted it to work so bad. She also had excuses for what she was doing..never admitted to what she really did. I think in time it will be easier to see his flaws. It looks like your already on your way there. If he never admits to cheating, how can you ever move forward with him? Most people believe once a cheater, always a cheater. This is probably true in nearly all cases.

[Movingthrough]

As much as i hate to say it, but it may make you feel better, this is "typical" behavior as far as the dumpee. Something as simple as when you said "you knew it was coming" sums it up right there. We see all the flags, but don't want to feel the pain, so we keep going with it and someone gets screwed in the long run.

 

Usually in a breakup, someone leaves and is good to go, they have back ups or someone else on their radar, the other person usually doesn't. As far as him cheating, in my opinion i don't think he did. As a guy, he saw the problems (you saw them too) starting loosing interest, and starting working his options. I have gone on dating sites before (didn't sign up just looked) while i was with someone, because in my head i had a feeling things were failing. That is the problem, i should have brought it up and dealt with the issue instead.

 

The feeling of rejection is not good since he broke up with you, then the thought of other women "chasing" him is the hardest. My ex was in a relationship literally days after me, which made me think in circles of how long was this going on. All i can tell you (from going through with it for months) is it is what it is. One day you will feel better and most of the time your thoughts of what you THINK happened, are not accurate, and even if they were - he cheated with 100 girls and treated you like **** - would you really want that in your life?

 

Easier said then done but the answer is no..

[Anna86]

Thank you both for your comments!! You are both right and it is nice to know I am not alone in how I feel. It is only know that I can see it for what it was. Relationship was failing, I doubt he liked the idea of being alone, so he looked for other options to be his fall back. To fill the void he felt.

 

I know that he was going through a lot and changed for the worst. He lives in a bit of a fantasy world. He is having his ego stroked big time so why would he want to work on our relationship? If he stayed with me he couldn't feel right about all the attention he was getting. Bottom line is that he chose the thrill of new women and freedom over working things out with me. We didn't have major issues. He asked for more space during our relationship and that was the start of the end, I never gave it and took it as rejection when he took it. I took that the wrong way. Yes, I was immature and I should have just given him the space but I wasn't sure I trusted him. I just scared of losing him. However, he chose to just give it up in search of better things.

 

I took it really personally at first. I thought he was this perfect gentleman who would always be honest with me. But he wasn't. A true gentleman would sit me down and tell me exactly how he felt and not lie about his intentions.

 

He told me he loved me and wanted to work on us up to the day before we broke up!! So I knew it may be over but I presumed we could work on it at lest. I got no real warning that things would be so final. That is what I am upset about. He assured me there was NO other woman and he had only eyes for me. (I can't help but think these are are lies).

 

I was moving on quite well at one stage after the break up, and it is like he could just tell. We remained friends (stupid idea) and I told him I was moving on. It's like he almost felt bad I was moving on. He told me hes not moving on and he still loves me. He wants to meet up and I don't know what to do.

 

I wonder do I still idolize him and I am glossing over the fact he is a selfish git. Or maybe he isn't a selfish git but just confused and unable to make our relationship any longer.

 

 

Oh, why are things so complicated.

 

I know that I am the type that has to have answers for everything. If I can't find them I just make up my own answers. I usually pick the worst case scenario.

 

I just want to go back to the old me, who thought about my future and my goals. Instead I am living in his head trying to get all the answers. I find it hard to let go.

[flow15]

He is having his ego stroked big time so why would he want to work on our relationship? If he stayed with me he couldn't feel right about all the attention he was getting. Bottom line is that he chose the thrill of new women and freedom over working things out with me. We didn't have major issues. He asked for more space during our relationship and that was the start of the end, I never gave it and took it as rejection when he took it. I took that the wrong way. Yes, I was immature and I should have just given him the space but I wasn't sure I trusted him. I just scared of losing him. However, he chose to just give it up in search of better things.

 

I read this and I feel like I'm reading my story.. This is exactly what happened with my ex.

 

The bottom line is they love their freedom and chasing other women MORE than they love us. My ex left me 3 times and kept coming back everytime he saw I was moving on... The last time he came back, he told me he really wanted us to work and then dumped me AFTER A DAY!!

 

Seriously, with these guys you cannot believe a word they say.

You have to move on and forget him. My ex broke up with me a month ago, and strung me along since last may!!! And I absolutely worshipped him... even to the last day when he said he couldn't be in a relationship I still cried and asked him to try. It's taken me a while, but he is slowly coming off that pedestal. You just have to see what else is out there, there are so many men out there and the fact that this guy was a jerk makes everyone else seem so much better. You will find someone who will treat you better, I know its hard to see now... I'm having trouble telling myself that, but you do not deserve to be treated the way he treated you. And you have to walk away.

[Anna86]

Flow, thank you so much for your reply! Wow, our stories are so similar. What you said about him stringing you along is EXACTLY what would happen to me if I continue to keep in contact. I know that. I am 99.9percent sure he would break my heart all over again.

 

He is making it clear to me that he DOESN'T want a relationship and I believe him. He is not ready for another one. He wants multiple flings and women at his finger tips. He doesn't want to lose me I think because I know he still has feelings for me and did have a lot of love for me. I know he cares about me, but he cares about himself more! Flow, was your ex the same? Did you keep in contact with him after the break up? I am, and I am starting to think I am playing with fire.

 

But, what I find hard to believe is that he was PERFECT before all this. I could trust him in a room full of naked super models and I knew he wouldn't look. Now, I am not sure I trust him around any single woman. He just got a buzz from attention and it is too strong to compete with.

 

Flow, I don't think it says anything about us. I think we could be the most perfect girlfriends and they could be 100percent attracted to us...But they will go for the chase instead of us. It's hard to accept.

 

I know that there are other men out there, but I really can't seem to find any that make me as excited as my ex. I guess its early days......

 

Anyone else out there got a similar experience?

[timchambo]

As a man, and a faithful man at that, let me say this. We can eat a prime rib for dinner every night, but once in a while a hamburger would sound good. The difference is some people are far more selfish than others. My ex also found her way into the spotlight/"fame" a bit and I think values herself more than she did me. She was always selfish which I now see as a HUGE red flag. Once she got what she wanted, lined up a solid replacement, she was out. No warning, no signs, nothing. The only way she will ever reach out is if she gets burnt along her new journey.

 

It doesn't matter how good you were to him, you could have been perfect. Hes probably just very selfish and greedy, and in the end he couldn't control his temptations anymore.

 

My advice would be to get started on your own life and path as an individual. At some point he will come to his senses. By then you will have dealt with the pain and can make a decision that will not be influenced by your heart.

[Anna86]

Timchambo, You put a smile on my face with your response! Thank you so much. I am sorry you went through a similar situation. You seem like you are well on the path of healing. Well done!

 

I really cared for my ex, I loved him and would have walked a million miles for him. He loved me too at one time. A lot. But he just got greedy and couldn't have both. I think he tried though! I guess guilt got to him and he let me go. I can see now that he doesn't seem as happy as he had thought. I guess he thought it would be wonderful and fantastic free and single. He told me he finds it hard and has the nerve to tell me this. I am an idiot as I listened to him and felt sorry for him. If I was a stronger/meaner person I would have laughed in his face but I couldn't. I wonder if he will find a girl like me again. If he doesn't. I won't be here waiting for him!! He can have as many hamburgers as he wants!!

 

So, when I see him next, what do I do? I have to collect my stuff from his house. I really don'tr know how to approach it. I am tempted to make myself look good and show him what he's missing but I don't want to play games. I think he will see right through me. Right now I feel a bit stronger, but I worry I will be putty in his hands when I see him. He makes me melt!! You see, I must idolize and love him in a sick kind of way.......

[flow15]

Flow, thank you so much for your reply! Wow, our stories are so similar. What you said about him stringing you along is EXACTLY what would happen to me if I continue to keep in contact. I know that. I am 99.9percent sure he would break my heart all over again.

 

He is making it clear to me that he DOESN'T want a relationship and I believe him. He is not ready for another one. He wants multiple flings and women at his finger tips. He doesn't want to lose me I think because I know he still has feelings for me and did have a lot of love for me. I know he cares about me, but he cares about himself more! Flow, was your ex the same? Did you keep in contact with him after the break up? I am, and I am starting to think I am playing with fire.

 

But, what I find hard to believe is that he was PERFECT before all this. I could trust him in a room full of naked super models and I knew he wouldn't look. Now, I am not sure I trust him around any single woman. He just got a buzz from attention and it is too strong to compete with.

 

Flow, I don't think it says anything about us. I think we could be the most perfect girlfriends and they could be 100percent attracted to us...But they will go for the chase instead of us. It's hard to accept.

 

I know that there are other men out there, but I really can't seem to find any that make me as excited as my ex. I guess its early days......

 

Anyone else out there got a similar experience?

 

You would have to look through my threads to see my history with my ex, but I'll give you the story here.

Basically he broke up with me in march last year (wow, just realised nearly a year ago now!!) only for 2 days, but basically for the same reasons you mentioned above... at the beginning of the relationship he was very much in love as was i and then all of a sudden one day he distanced himself, said he needed more space, but i made the same mistakes u did and didn't give him the space as i was scared i was losing him. anyway he came back after 2 days because he missed me, but the relationship was never the same, he wasn't as in love as he was and i was unhappy so he ended it properly in may.

 

however we kept in contact, i hadn't discovered this website yet so i knew nothing about NC. in that time he met a lot of women and i think he realized how much attention he can get and how many women he can be with.... but he still missed me (i dont think whether i had kept NC or not in this time it would have made a difference for him to come back to me) and in august he came back. However he ended it after 2 weeks as he said he couldn't be in a relationship again. this is when i discovered this website and i went NC for 3 months, untill i bumped into him in november where he said he realised he still missed me and loved me, but told me he cant be in a relationship. we remained in contact, we would talk about us a lot and how we could make it work, the whole time he said he couldnt be in a relationship... and during this time i know he was meeting lots of women and sleeping with them.

Then at the beginning of january, he said he wanted to give us a final try as he still had feelings for me and didn't want to lose me. we got back together for a day when he finally said he just cant be in a relationship and so ended it for good (it seems)

 

I think the single life, his freedom and all the attention he gets from women is just way more appealing then having to work at a relationship with me.

 

If this is the case then surely he can't love me enough, and if so why did he keep coming back and string me along so much? I donm't know the answer to these questions... but I do know is that he was incredible selfish, didn't take my feelings into consideration and has left me broken hearted 3 times now.

 

So you see, even if your ex will come back to you, you can never be sure that he won't leave again... especially since he loves his freedom so much. I think the best thing for you is to move on and forget him, as horrible as it is, it is the best for both of us to avoid getting broken hearted again.

 

(apologies for the long post, but felt i had to include all the details!)

[Anna86]

Wow Flow!! It is like reading my own story!!! I can't believe how similar our exes are! The first time he broke up with me was for 2 days also, then he told me he missed me. We got back together, like u guys did, and I didn't think he loved me as much. It was a strange feeling.

 

Most of my friends think we will end up back together again. I hope they are wrong. He really doesn't want a relationship right now and I can't trust him so it would be so stupid to give it a try. I really would love to go back in the past and see if things could be any different. At first, I thought maybe I need to dress up more, wear more make up and look better like I did when we first met and then he wouldn't stray. But I don't think this is the case now. I think he would have left me anyway. He told me how he liked me better with no make up and looking casual anyway!!

 

Flow, did your ex have previous gfs? Mine had a few longterm gf's. He was very into serious relationships all his life. I wonder does he just want the chance to get the single life out of his system. I was single a long time so this is why I'm not desperate to be single again. I have had my fun!

[flow15]

When he broke up with me for those 2 days in march, I was soooo upset... HE was perfect to me in every way before he did that, I thought he could do no wrong. I was devastated and disappointed in him for giving up on us, because he always said how he had never been happier, etc. I found out that in those 2 days he had kissed another girl, he denied it and I acted like I believed him but deep down I knew he had done it. I hate to live my life with regrets, but I regret so much taking him back after that, our relationship was never the same again. Not because he had strayed, but because he had given up on us and I could never trust him again. And obviously because he ended up stringing me along for nearly a year!!

 

Please don't think that you wish you could go back in time and done things differently, acted in a different way or worn more/less make-up. It isn't your fault!! It's because our exes are obviously selfish and don't realize they have a good thing going, either that or they just didn't love us enough.

 

Before me my ex had an on/off girlfriend for a few years, but I think he got hurt and so preferred the single life after her (sleeping with lots of women). When he met me he told me he didnt want a relationship, I didn't either as I had been hurt before, but we ended up falling for eachother and he told me he wanted to be with me.

I think my ex's main problem is that he is just immature and not ready to be in a relationship. Even though he has mostly been single, and not had many relationships, I think he prefers being single because he LOVES his freedom so much.

 

How old is your ex? Mine is in his early twenties, so I think he just felt he is too young for a relationship and just wants to have fun and not worry about anyone else. Even though I know he has moved on already, I will be really upset if he actually enters another relationship. Because if he does, then it means number 1, he is def over me, number 2, the reasons he gave me for ending it weren't true, and number 3, if they were true he obviously didn't love me enough as he can enter a relationship with someone else.

 

Either way, as much as I secretly want him to come back... we are so much more better off!!! And I strongly believe there is someone out there who will treat us 100% times better

Edited February 25, 2011 by flow15

[MissyLove]

Girls I feel like im in the same boat as u!

 

These guys cannot be trusted. They really should only be coming back after they've had a long think about everything and are sure.

 

I think the best thing to do is realise that they will keep doing this to us and you will come to a point when you decide you don't want your heart to go through this pain anymore AND you don't want to be "second best" to someone.

 

If they want their freedom and fun, let them be. Once they mature (maybe 30's) and are ready for a serious relationship, they will most likely remember and realise how good you were to them and want you back then. But by then, you girls will be a great rship with someone who is content and who would never leave u!!

 

Be strong and happy!!

[Anna86]

Hey thank you both for your kind words and advice! Flow, I do worry he will find someone else. I will be upset because I will feel that I wasn't as good as the new girl. My ex is 26 so he isn't too young to be scared of a relationship. He says he doesn't want another serious relationship for years to come. Well, he didn't want a relationship when he met me and he decided to go for it anyway. When I met him he was living at home, no motivation of plans for the future. Just finished uni. I pretty much told him it was like dating a 16 year old and he needed to get his act together and not depend on his parents so much. This pretty much backfired for me as he started to get incredibly motivated and moved away from home. He loved his new independence I think and had no need for me anymore. Sigh!! Well, at least he is doing what he wants now......

 

Ok, I have a dilemma. So, I NEED to know if he has a new GF/fling thing going on. The reason is because I am moving near him as I got a good job offer there. Trust me, I really didn't want to be near him. But I don't want him to get in the way of a good opportunity for me. I planned on taking that job before we broke up so I said I should be strong and go for it.

 

We have pretty much all the same friends and we hang out in the same areas. I will have to see him again of course! I don't know how to handle it. I am worried he will see me and I will break down!!

 

Anyway, I asked him does he have a new gf or a fling girl at least. He says no! I asked him to tell me the truth as I will find out and be much more hurt if he has lied to me again. I asked a few friends and they don't know. I am worried people are not telling me something to protect me. I really need to know so I can prepare myself for the fall.

 

I know in most cases its not important. And none of my business. But I need to know as we will be in the same social scene as him sometimes. I hate this and want to just run away from him but we share many friends. I will have to spend less time with them but I really don't want to lose them also.

 

Do you think I should believe him that he has no gf/fling? Or should I ask him one last time. If he doesn't have anyone I know I will appear needy and obsessed over him by asking him.

 

I just can't trust a word he says anymore..

Edited February 26, 2011 by Anna86

[flow15]

I think you just have to assume that he does have someone else now, whether its a girlfriend or just seeing someone (or even dating lots of girls).. You can't ask him, or keep asking him, because it's not really any of your business. I don't want to be harsh, but he is your ex now and I know we drive ourselves crazy wondering if they've moved on already, but its so much easier for guys to move on, they can go out the night they broke up with us and pick a girl up in a club and it doesn't even have to mean anything to them.

 

I know it sucks to wonder if his 'new' girl will be better than us, but listen, everyone is different and unique in their own ways.. you gave him the best of you and it wasn't enough for him so you shouldn't worry about what he's doing now because he doesn't deserve it and he doesn't deserve you!

[Anna86]

I know I just have to assume he does, I am sure he had a fling or two anyway. I went on a date and have texted a few guys but it meant nothing to me. In fact it just made me miss my ex as I was comparing them to him. I want this to end soon!!

 

I really would like to meet a nice good guy to sweep me off my feet and distract me so I can get over my ex. I think about my ex most of the day and I drive myself insane. It's constantly there. It has recently got bad, when we first broke up I was coping well. Hell, my mother said I should write a book about it I coped that well. Well, now look at me! I have lost desire to go out, eat or have fun. All I want is rest and to think about what went wrong. I know this is soooo unhealthy but its like an obsession! I never ever thought it would get this bad.

 

I think it is because I know I am going to see him soon. I will leave my comfort zone at my family home and move to a city near him. It seems like emotional suicide and I am so scared that I will panic and become so depressed there.

[flow15]

I think you should only date untill you are over him. I went on a date and it just made me feel ten times worse because it made me miss my ex more, I too kept comparing my date to my ex! So I don't think we can date someone in order to get over our ex, I think we can only do that untill we have moved on.

 

I'm sorry that you aren't coping very well, its funny but at the beginning I too felt I was coping fine and I feel worse now. I think its because literally every night I dream about him, and then he is on my mind constantly through out the day. I know that it is just going to take time.... but the best thing you can do is to keep busy, so even if you don't feel like going out just force yourself to because you will feel a lot worse if you stay at home and think about him all day! So go out with your girlfriends and have a laugh and have fun!!

 

 

Just think, it can only get better, it sucks now but in a few months time you'll be laughing at yourself now!

[Rose T]

Hi ladies, I'm glad I just found this thread as it sadly echoes my recent experience! My ex was a rock for many years but there were signs of his ego (I read self-confidence), tendency towards living a fantasy life (poor with money, no planning ahead, very hasty) and selfishness (I thought single-mindedness). We met when he was 26 and I was 30, I wasn't sure about it at first but he put me on a pedestal and told all his friends that I was the One. The first three years were great, he had been cheated on by an ex (he was always pretty much in serious relationships) and hated the idea.

 

Fast forward to 18 months ago and he got a great job opportunity in South America (he's an architect). We were together 3.5 years by then so agreed to try long distance, especially because it became apparent that the posting would only be for 1 year. When he came back last summer he seemed a different man - arrogant, cocky to the point of being insufferable. He was also full of his travels and "exciting" life (although he had ended up being sent home after 9 months for not doing a great job). I tried to readjust as he came back to live with me, supported him while he was unemployed, and helped him find a new job in our city.

 

Eight weeks after starting the new job, he cheated on me with a co-worker - I found out and dumped him - he's still with her three months after our break-up although he contacts me every couple of weeks to say he's missing me or with pointless "bills" chats or other small talk. He did have one "wobble" when he said he realised he could have worked on our issues and regrets everything, but that getting with his co-worker seemed the easy way out. He's a good-looking guy but he's 31 now (I'm 35) and while he wanted to get away from me to have "fun" and rediscover himself, he's now in a relationship with someone he's basically stuck with as there are only 6 of them in their office and he doesn't want to screw up his new job. She's also 35. Basically, these men are cowardly and the sad thing is, mine didn't even manage to get away from me and reawaken his inner Casanova - he's straight into a relationship with someone who expects commitment and a future from him! No idea how that will work out for him and I'm trying not to care.

 

Sadly, it's not only an age thing - some people will throw away years of a good relationship for a bit of fun and sadly you can't always predict which kind of people will end up doing that. We just have to hope that we make better choices in future or at least walk away when those red flags show up.

[Anna86]

Hey Rose, I am so sorry to hear you had to go through that. You sound great how you trusted him and welcomed him back in after he went away for a long time. He was onto a winner there!! I am sure his new fling won't last. Purely because I am certain he could not be over you just yet, and also how often do relationships work out with coworkers? Hardly ever.

 

I think a lot of men are selfish. Not all, but a lot for sure. I am sure women are just as selfish but we are more compassionate and empathetic then men. Women are programmed that way to be good mothers!! So maybe this is why men act on impulses and embrace selfish behavior rather that thinking about 'the right thing' to do.

 

I do believe that if you are not happy in a relationship that you should leave it, I don't think there is any point stringing along someone you are just not that interested in. However, what I worry is that my ex (and perhaps your exes) really were happy with us and would have made it work if their egos didn't get in the way?? It was so easy for them to get out as they thought they could just get better and better. I am sure in time they will see what they gave up.

 

So, my ex got this new job which women adored. We moved to a new country where the women are very pretty and they throw themselves at him. He loved it for sure. Any guy would. I got attention too but it didn't bother me or faze me. To be honest, I know they only complimented me as I look different to them. I took it with a pinch of salt!! Whereas my boyfriend, all of a sudden was told he was really handsome!! I laughed at first but then he spent a lot of time checking himself out in the mirror. Then he went from a humble, kind and sweet man to a 'rock star'. Oh well.....

 

I would love to hear this from a mans point of view. Has any guy out there got a lot of attention form the opposite sex and all of a sudden questioned his relationship. In other words, they went looking for greener grass!!!

[Rose T]

So, my ex got this new job which women adored. We moved to a new country where the women are very pretty and they throw themselves at him. He loved it for sure. Any guy would. I got attention too but it didn't bother me or faze me. To be honest, I know they only complimented me as I look different to them. I took it with a pinch of salt!! Whereas my boyfriend, all of a sudden was told he was really handsome!! I laughed at first but then he spent a lot of time checking himself out in the mirror. Then he went from a humble, kind and sweet man to a 'rock star'. Oh well.....

 

Oh Lordy, this is EXACTLY like my ex! The 26 year old that I fell in love with was really sweet and a bit nerdy - a lot nerdy, actually - he sort of won me over with his practical techie-ness and utter devotion! I never tried to "fix" him but inevitably my great sense of style (lol!) rubbed off on him and I have to say that in the last couple of years he started dressing well and looking great.

 

I feel like I got confined to the First Wives' Club when he bailed!! Tough though, like you I'm never short of compliments and his new affair is neither younger nor cuter than me (so I'm told, ahem!) I guess she's just "new". I always knew that the relationship was more important than short term stuff so I ignored the attention - I guess our exes weighed the risks and thought freedom was a chance worth taking.

 

Our exes both sound hasty as well as immature. Maybe they'll just keep running from one to the next, making the same mistakes, until they finally start feeling vulnerable or meet their "match" in a girl that will do the same.

 

I'm sure we'll grow and learn from this situation and do better.

[Anna86]

Wow, Rose. Thank you for your insight. I am sure you are much better than her, but she is new and came with a chase. That is what our exes wanted. They both got a taste for it, and now I am sure they will never stop.

 

I firmly believe that they will both end up cheating on their wives as they tasted how good freedom and forbidden fruit was. I guess we got a lucky escape!! My ex thought he was too cool for school. He is 'above' his old way of life. It is quite sad to see because he was a fantastic man. My family and friends adored him and told me how mature he was. Well, he wasn't as mature as I thought.

 

Its hard to fully move on though. I am not even close to it. I know what he is and can never forgive him or trust him again. But I am still deeply in love with the guy I met. It's funny, after we broke up I called him a transformer. He just laughed. He doesn't seem to think he has changed.

 

My ex is like a child in a sweet shop. He has his pick and he knows it. However, he won't live in that country much longer. In less than a year he will go home. Back to reality. He won't have his foreign charm to play up to because he is like every other guy in this country. He won't be able to attract women as well here as we all speak English and don't want free lessons. Finally, he won't be a rock star here. So I am curious as to how it will all hit him.

 

I hope at that stage I will have moved on and I hope I am not there for him to comfort him. He has already reached out to me because he is finding it hard to be alone and misses my company. But, I will no longer give him the pleasure of venting to me and having my friendship. He broke my heart into pieces.

 

I hope and pray that I can remain strong.

 

I wish all the other girls in the same position as me good luck and we are going through this together!! Its funny and sad how similar men are.....

[Anna86]

So, It is really hard for me the past few days. I just can't seem to STOP thinking about him.

 

I am sick hearing he is no good/has changed for the worst/is immature but I am so unsure of how to move on. I am trying NC but its not working. I am not letting it work. I get in contact with him and try and find answers. I want him to give me answers. He is the only person who knows what happened? Why is it bothering me sooooo much? Is this normal? Do other people feel this way ever. I feel if I keep thinking about it I will find all the answers. I can't seem to turn off the stupid voice in my head. I am getting worried now.....

 

People are sick hearing me talk about him, I am asking them for the answers. I just want to hear he is with someone else so I can sink right down. Then I know its over and trust me I will hate him and move on. I ask him if he is with someone but he just says he isn't. I can't trust him so I am not sure I believe him if he says that.

 

I know I seem crazy but I'm not. just confused and lost and scared. I am texting some other guys just trying to distract myself but I really don't feel even a little bit interested. So this is making me scared that I will never meet anyone like my ex again.

 

I think when I start my new job I will start distracting myself with that.

 

Has anyone goe through this and what did u do to stop it? I need to do something drastic and now!!!

[flow15]

I'm where you are now, not so much the wondering why... well I do wonder why it all happened every now and then, but theres just no use. You just have to accept its over. However I'm also currently waiting for a new job to start so I have all this time in the world to just think about him, which really really sucks. But I'm just trying to distract myself as much as I can, and anytime my mind wonders to him I really do try to stop myself.

 

Regards to him seeing someone else, you just have to assume he is and accept that he will, because whether he is with someone now or if he meets someone in a weeks time, or a months time, or in a years time, its going to happen and there is nothing you can do. You just have to accept that its over and that there will be someone else.

 

And hun, there will be someone else for you too! Please don't push yourself to move on now though, because trust me it will make yourself feel worse and make you miss your ex more and make you compare them to your ex. Right now you have to focus on yourself and have more respect for yourself! You have to stop obsessing over him because it is not healthy. I know its hard to do but just try distracting yourself, maybe go to the gym, I find this helps a lot, plus makes you a lot hotter so that if your ex sees you again he will be slapping himself, and also you will attract lots more guys or take up new hobbies or meet up with your girlfriends and have fun, but don't talk about him.

 

And I hope for your sake you won't meet someone like your ex again, someone who will hurt you the way he hurt you. You will find someone who truely loves you and respects you. But don't focus on that now, focus on healing yourself now and then in a few months time when you are feeling better, then you can think about getting out there and start dating again.

[Rose T]

Hi Anna, I feel your pain!! It's three months since my breakup and I still keep cycling back through grief and looking for answers. You know, he might not actually be able to give you the answers you're looking for. There were two people in this relationship, both of your opinions are valid, both of you played your part and he might not be self-aware enough to help you at this stage.

 

You could also look at things another way. A good friend of mine was helping me today, I kept asking her, "I know I shouldn't care, but want I really want to know is - will my ex's next relationship fail? Is he missing me?" She said, 'I know it's easier worrying about his happiness, but why don't you worry about your own?"

 

You want to know if he's with someone, because you think that will set you free - well, it might not. It'll just give you a set of new questions. You have to shift the focus onto yourself, your own happiness, perhaps the mistakes you made in the relationship, definitely the opportunities for growth that you now have. NC can help with this, but I understand it's not for everyone and you have to get there in your own time.

 

Using other guys to distract you doesn't always help, either, as I think you're discovering. Try to spend some time thinking about yourself, loving yourself and holding up a mirror to what happened from your point of view, so you can learn and make wiser choices in the future. The answers are in you.

[Anna86]

Thank you both for posting such kind responses! I feel much better knowing I am not alone and that everyone goes through this pain at some stage in life. To experience true love you have to experience pain and hurt. It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all

 

So, I think I will have to forgive him and accept him for who he is. He can't change who he is or what he feels. I am sure he would have chosen an easy life if it was possible but he would have lied to himself. He needed to be free, to check his other options. I don't like this, and it hurts me but it's his choice. The simple fact is, if he did cheat on me and did try and to replace me before he broke up that is his problem. If he did do that, he is a really selfish man and I am better off without him. It is hard to forgive that part as he has denied cheating and he has not asked for forgiveness. But he has told me he is sorry about hurting me. I will forgive him for hurting me.

 

I really hope this sticks as I feel positive, strong and free now!! I think all is well for now......................who is to say how I will fell tomorrow or next week when I have to see him!!!!