purple_cloud Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 In the last few years I have dated a lot. I didn't find a relationship that lasted more than 3 months. I am 35 now and my pool is rapidly shrinking, the dream of family and kids fading fast. I also had sever chronic illness that meant that I spent the best decade 20-30 in hospitals. I was mostly too ill to get out of bed, let alone go out and date. My illness is invisible and doesn't really impact how I look. I went into remission at 33. I had dating experience of a teenager. Unfortunately, by the time I started to date I had a severe handicap in terms of both experience and options. I feel cheated by life in many ways. I know that if I wasn't held back my illness, I would have already been married with kids. Most men in my age group are married or else have something wrong with them. I feel like I am at the closing down sale with only the most undesirable items left. I can't take the stress of dating any more and only finding duds. How do you fool that part of you that longs for a relationship and just be happy with what you have? Link to post Share on other sites
socal79 Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 I'm truly sorry for what cards youve been dealt, I used to say everything happens for a reason, now I think some things just happen. I'm 32, single, no kids, college educated, and I have a fabulous life in my opinion. I'm totally frustrated with dating cause it seems peoples values are not what they used to be, and it doesn't seem to get any better, some of my best friends are in the their 40's and early 50's and they've had kids and family but they're divorced and alone now, cept their friends. But we all take care of each other. I've had some really bad experiences dating but I try my hardest not to be jaded by them, cause just when I get that bad attitude I'm sure thats when I'll meet someone. I truly believe the secret is to focus on yourself, make yourself happy and the rest will follow. Your never too old! My girlfriends and I all ride harley's together, we take trips, party etc, one of my best friends is 58. Keep your chin up, dont' give up on anything thats important to you. Link to post Share on other sites
jane100 Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Hi purple cloud, No-one said it was easy ... though I think the words of wisdom others have said above may help. We just get dealt our cards and then we have to do what we can. I have also suffered chronic illness, and have felt very frustrated romantically as a result, though I am somewhat better at the moment. Though I notice sometimes often totally healthy people feel frustrated and disillusioned with dating, even more so, though they have tremendous advantages in my eyes, but thats the way it goes. Thinking of you, and maybe just take it easy/have a break for a little while... Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 I'm a couple of years younger than you, still unmarried with no kids. I also wasn't finding any decent men who wanted to commit to me. So I took some time out and really assessed the situation, and I discovered that I was the problem. Admitting that it's all your fault is a difficult thing - my singledom wasn't due to bad luck, it was due to me choosing the wrong men, and wasting too much time on them even though I knew they were wrong. My suggestion is for you to decide what's important to you, and become picky and ruthless. Don't think you can fix or change men - turn down dates or dump men who turn out not to fit what you're looking for. If you've ruled someone out as a long term partner, don't waste time - get rid of him and move on. I ruthlessly dumped or declined to date at least a dozen men, and it took me a couple of years to find someone who matched what I wanted. I wouldn't have found him if I'd wasted my time on unsatisfactory men; I would probably have been stuck in a crappy relationship and would have missed my chance with him. One other point - don't be afraid to date younger! Men in my age group (early-mid thirties) generally didn't offer what I wanted, and a lot of the better catches were already married, so I started dating men in their late twenties Link to post Share on other sites
poorguy Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Dude your not happy with you, that's the problem here. If your going to have a gloom and doom outlook on life then yes you may ne alone for a while. You have to learn to live life one step at a time and build on it from there. You were dealt some cards that were tough to play I get that. You know what though????-You posted on here so your still alive!!! If something doesn't kill you it makes you stronger!!!! So make a commitment to be the man that you want to be-be that guy-no excuses!!!! You would be very suprised what comes your way when you do... Another point I''d ike to make is start by taking care of yourself. You will never love (ever) if you don't love you. Basically you have to fall in love with you first (not become a narcissist lol) One final point is that when your a guy in your 30's and you take really good care of yourself and are happy a lot of 20 something woman will love you!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Star_Bright Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Wow, 35 is not old! A lot of people wait until well into their 30's and 40's to marry. I do understand the wanting kids thing, but many women date men slightly or much older than them. As a man you don't have much to worry about with the kid thing so long as you date a bit younger. Look, I'm 30, and single by choice right now. I will give you an opposite perspective. I've spent my whole adult life hitched up with someone else in a relationship. I never married (came close a couple times) but I was always dependent on someone. I realized that I can only truly be happy if I love myself instead of needing someone else to love me, and that I have to get to know myself and be happy on my own, with my own life, before I can ever have a truly fulfilling and healthy relationship. I know that 30 is rather late to be figuring this out, but hey, at least I eventually got here. I do plan to eventually get into a good relationship. To me "marriage" in terms of the paper etc. isn't that important to me but I want a committed, exclusive, fulfilling, stable long-term relationship. I'm not sure about kids and for awhile I was scared thinking that by the time I figured out if I wanted them or not, I wouldn't be able to have them if I do want them. And then I realized, well, then, it just wouldn't be meant to be. And there are other ways these days to have children, IVF, adoption, etc. So it wouldn't be the end of the world and I will have to cross that bridge if I ever come to it. I do understand that you're saying you want marriage and kids. I'm just trying to say, look at the alternative, you could have ended up in unfulfilling relationships... there's no golden ticket that guarantees you a happy family. And it's not too late to have one! Don't stop dating/online dating, just keep aiming for what you want but realize the most important thing is to be as happy with yourself and your own life as possible (I know that's probably very hard with an illness.) But please don't act like 35 is 65 because it's so not!!! I am looking forward to the best years of my life... it is by no means "over" by 35 and the dream of marriage/family can still be very much a reality. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Leeway Harris Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 Most men in my age group are married or else have something wrong with them. I feel like I am at the closing down sale with only the most undesirable items left. Don't think you can fix or change men - turn down dates or dump men who turn out not to fit what you're looking for. One final point is that when your a guy in your 30's and you take really good care of yourself and are happy a lot of 20 something woman will love you!!!! As a man you don't have much to worry about with the kid thing so long as you date a bit younger. Shall we take a vote on whether the OP is a man or a woman? I vote woman, I think it's pretty strongly indicated the first post. But the rest of you have thoroughly confused me. Anyway, sorry you're going through this, purple_cloud. But you said "most men in my age group are married or else have something wrong with them." Well, you're not married, right? Is there something wrong with you? (The answer should be "No, I'm a good person and I'd be a caring, loving partner to the right man, who will be lucky to have me.") So if you're not married, and you're good relationship material, what makes you think there aren't a lot of fine men in your exact situation? Link to post Share on other sites
jane100 Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 yes, how strange, i agree, the gender confusion. i assumed right away that Purple Cloud was a woman. i may be wrong, but i think the issue about how illness affects your life was something she was trying to address as well, how it had held her back, and that is something i can relate to/understand. it is not simply a question of "positive thinking". chronic illness can really affect your confidence and it is not really the same level-playing-field, at least that is what it feels like, and i think that is also reflected in reality.... however, i do agree, 35 is still really young in many ways so that is really good, especially if you are in remission at the moment .... Link to post Share on other sites
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