wmrjw82 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 So here's my story for those who dont know http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t263936/ I've been sticking strong to NC for 11 days now. But yesterday the EX text me "Prayed for ya. What went down?"... I got some good advice and didn't respond to the text. Well, at 8pm later that night she txt me again "So? What happened with custody?". Again, I didn't reply. I'm finding myself getting weak here and was really needing some good advice. Is she wanting me back? Why does she care if she clearly stated she wasn't ready for a family just a few weeks ago? I still love her and would be willing to take her back if she was just temporarily overwhelmed with me moving in, and the dogs (I had brought 2 and she already had 2) and her failing out of her school program recently. Maybe she made up the other guy just to push me away....I don't know. I just don't want her to think what she did was okay by any means. I mean, I moved in w/ her and changed my and my son's life for her, then 1 month later she kicks us to the curb. So far i've stuck to NC but at what point do I reply? I just dont want to lose an opportunity here if i'm getting one... all help is really appreciated!
0hpenelope Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Uh... why should she care about the custody? I believe that she cares in some way, but I wish she hadn't acted on it by sending that text. It's just a text message, brother. You know what's stronger? The fact that she wanted you and your son out. I think that's more telling than that text message. She sounds like she just wants to hear from you in whatever way she can. I think that's selfish of her.
gator12 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 I'll give you my story here because it will really help you to know when you should respond. My ex and I broke up, NC for two weeks, tried being "friends" for her sake, then solid NC for a month and a hlaf after that. She essentially started texting me with little crumbs, like hey, how are you, what are you up to etc. I didn't reply pretty soon I got an email. Then 3 phone calls and a voicemail. But none of it yet said she was going to get back together with me so I still didn't call her back. Anyways she called me from a blocked number at 7 in the morning and I like an idiot answered without think, since then she hasn't contacted again. Now it's a week later and she sent two texts last night, still havent replied. My point being is you don't respond until they say they want to get back together with you if that is your goal. Any contact before that point and it essentially is killing the chances of going back together, she will as why are you ignoring me etc. IGNORE IT. If she wants you back she will persist, I promise you that. I thought I blew any chance with my ex by that call I took but now she's slowly starting to text again. If a girl wants you back nothing will stop her and she will be very clear about it. Oooo and if you should get that magical voicemail, you need to sit on it for a day or two. You cannot just jump on it instantly, she's going to need to work to get you back and you cannot for one second let her think you're waiting for her. The key to all of this is power. You calling them back after you get that message and making it a short and sweet phone call, less than two minutes to let her know the lines of communication are still open but that you are busy. My ex getting the drop on me in the morning gave her all of the power at that instant and situation went sour really quick. Perservere, you will know when she wants you back. When she starts leaving countless voicemails you do not want to respond until they say what you want to hear. -Gator
sammyd Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Yep, stick to NC, be strong, don't give in! Concentrate on you and your son. You want her to do the same to you again?? Really??
Chi townD Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Dude, after all the evil and rotten things she told you, why would you want to talk to her?
Author wmrjw82 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 Thanks for all the strong words of advice. I just found myself really set back and weak (almost hopeful) by the 2 txt msg's yesterday. But I have to keep in mind that she never said anything or even hinted at anything about wanting to get back together. Maybe she was just trying to show that she wasn't the devil. Regardless, I have to keep that door closed unless she fully comes out and wants me back. Its just with Valentine's Day right around the corner and me trying to stay strong through NC (even before yesterday) has it made it so much harder. I will keep the path though wherever it may lead me.... i'll keep you guys updated if she contacts me again! Also, to Chitown... I guess I would want to talk to her because I still love her regardless of what she did. A part of me wants to think that it was just overwhelming and she needed to take a step back and push me away temporarily. I mean before this breakup she was the most amazing girl i've ever met. It really caught me all by surprise. Guess we'll see what happens.
0hpenelope Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Sir, why exactly are you antsy about a Monday? I, for one, never look forward to a Monday, no matter what is celebrated.
depplover_1980 Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Sir, why exactly are you antsy about a Monday? I, for one, never look forward to a Monday, no matter what is celebrated. It's just another manic Monday I wish it were Sunday 'Cause that's my funday My I don't have to runday It's just another manic Monday
NopeNah Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Block her number and never look back! She sounds like a "on to the next one" type.. flip it onher and remove ALL contact!
gator12 Posted February 11, 2011 Posted February 11, 2011 Thanks for all the strong words of advice. I just found myself really set back and weak (almost hopeful) by the 2 txt msg's yesterday. But I have to keep in mind that she never said anything or even hinted at anything about wanting to get back together. Maybe she was just trying to show that she wasn't the devil. Regardless, I have to keep that door closed unless she fully comes out and wants me back. Its just with Valentine's Day right around the corner and me trying to stay strong through NC (even before yesterday) has it made it so much harder. I will keep the path though wherever it may lead me.... i'll keep you guys updated if she contacts me again! Also, to Chitown... I guess I would want to talk to her because I still love her regardless of what she did. A part of me wants to think that it was just overwhelming and she needed to take a step back and push me away temporarily. I mean before this breakup she was the most amazing girl i've ever met. It really caught me all by surprise. Guess we'll see what happens. You're doing great so far, just remember not a single crumb. Don't acknowledge her until she is telling you what you want to hear. And if she does tell you what you want to hear, don't jump on it. Don't make it easy on her otherwise what'll stop her from doing it to you all over again? You are better than that, we all are -Gator
Author wmrjw82 Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 (edited) Hi guys, Just wanted to give an update. It's now the day after Valentine's Day and i've stuck to NC. (Been 16 days now). Still very weak and yesterday was hard as hell...but since those 2 txt msg's from her last Wednesday in regards to my custody trial there has been nothing from her. I'm in a dilemma and was hoping someone could share some good advise. I'm tempted to let her know that custody was pushed back. Even after the break up she agreed to be a character witness for me because she knew what a good dad I was. She knew it had nothing to do w/ me and her but about my son. I never replied to those txt of hers last week in the hopes that she would contact me some more but i'm starting to realize that she is indeed gone and all she wanted to know was about the custody trial. It was very nice of her to still be willing to be a witness but do I owe her an explaination as to what happened in custody? She was there through alot over the past 6 months in this custody battle but at the same time I dont want to fall into a "friends zone" with her. I just can't do that right now. Perhaps ever. I guess my objectives in breaking no contact would be to 1) obviously let her know what happened that the trial was pushed back and 2) show her that i'm not some jerk. (Do I even owe her this?) I just keep feeling that since she was still willing to be a witness for me that means that she cared for us, but how she went about the break up contradicts that and i'm so confused. I'm top of all this I just found out my baby's mother is now getting married in a couple of months and I feel as though i'm going backwards and her life is going forwards. Am I too weak to be contacting her at this stage or should I contact her at all? She never mentioned anything about wanting me but i'm afraid if I make that contact and let her know what happened w/ custody I will really be setting myself up for disappointment when she doesn't want to talk again. Ugh... what to do? Edited February 15, 2011 by wmrjw82
Chi townD Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 Sorry, but to me it's sounding like you looking for a reason for you to justify breaking NC. I suggest when you get those feelings, just look back to all the mean spirited things she said to you. If she was truely concerned on what happened during the custody hearing, she would have tried harder than sending you just two texts.
Trovador Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I do believe that a brief reply is not breaking NC... problem is, the ex does it again and you respond and so on until you are again in the post break up turmoil you swore you wanted to be out of...
Author wmrjw82 Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 Sorry, but to me it's sounding like you looking for a reason for you to justify breaking NC. I suggest when you get those feelings, just look back to all the mean spirited things she said to you. If she was truely concerned on what happened during the custody hearing, she would have tried harder than sending you just two texts. See that's what i'm confused about. Is that's what happening here? I just keep thinking in my head this is what she's thinking..."you know I did care but now that he didn't reply obviously he was the ******* that I left all along! Screw him!" So I feel like ive blown a chance. I just dont want to start over at this point in no contact or I may never get over her. When I left her house on that final day there was no flowers, no i'm sorry notes, it was as simple as leaving a key on her dining room table. I have disappeared ever since. I defriended her on facebook, along w/ all her friends. I am a ghost as far as she is concerned. And while yesterday killed me... I got thru it. I'm just so damn conflicted. I dont want her to think I was some ******* or have her justifying inside her own head that what she did was right. But i'm afraid now that i'll never talk to her again since I didn't reply to her.
depplover_1980 Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 You need to face the fact that chances are you will never talk to her again. IT IS OVER AND SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU. Sorry to be so harsh. As mentioned if she really cared about how the trial went she would call you and persist. You are definately looking for excuses to contact her when she doesn't deserve you!! Keep going, add to the days and treat it as a day at a time, get through todays no contact and worry about tomorrows then. You are strong enough.
JasonRules Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 I agree with Depp. This woman was not good to you. You did not have a healthy relationship and she disrespected you. Why on earth would you want to be with someone like this to begin with? I would just move on...
Chi townD Posted February 15, 2011 Posted February 15, 2011 And Dude! Who cares what she thinks of you. Remember, she ended it with you. She said some pretty mean things about YOU, not the other way around. She ended it and you are giving her exactly what she wanted. You out of her life. I'm positive that there is a girl out there for you that is gonna respect you for who you are and respect the fact that you are a loving and caring father that will fight for his children. A girl that will be happy to be by your side. Your Ex? She's the one missing out, and don't believe what she told you is true, NOT FOR A SECOND!!! Her loss.....
Author wmrjw82 Posted February 15, 2011 Author Posted February 15, 2011 (edited) You guys are right....again I have to fight thru this. My fear is that I will, infact, never speak to her again and it bothers me to no end. It shouldn't have been this way. I treated her so good and she was so good to me and my son (before that last month)...I'm so confused as to why this happened to me. A part of me feels like she was the best thing that ever happened to me and i'll never do better and then the other half is saying "you're only remembering the good parts because you miss her.". I hate it. I want her to come back crying and pleading for me to take her back and say how sorry she is and that she made a mistake. I want to be THAT guy for once. I want that power. FOR ONCE. I didn't want to be just another bump in the road for this one and that's what I feel like. She's so beautiful and a part of me always felt like she was a bit out of my league. I consider myself pretty good looking but this girl was a "10", she was the life of every party and has a TON of friends to go along with an amazingly funny and nerdy personality. We shared many of the same interests as well. And because of that I did everything I could to make her happy and in the end it still wasn't enough. I still got dropped like a bad habit. Like I was nothing and none of the time we spent together meant anything. THAT is my fear. That I can't do better than this one. And I guess only time will help that....I sure wish it would hurry the hell up though. It's only been 16 days of NC and I dont feel any better. Ugh. Edited February 15, 2011 by wmrjw82
Chi townD Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Yeah dude, been there done that and burnt the t-shirt. This happened not too God awful long ago. Everything is still raw and it will be for a while. But, after time, it won't hurt so much, you start to miss her less and less. Time is all you need at the moment, but keep yourself busy! Do things you normally don't do, see the world! One day, you're gonna meet the RIGHT one and you'll look back at this relationship and say, "What the hell was I thinking!"
Author wmrjw82 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Posted February 17, 2011 Hey guys, still doing the NC and taking it day by day. Up to 18 days now. Just had a random question for ya. I was wondering if the contact that she made w/ me last Wednesday was a way for her to clear her conscience over the break up? I mean the whole, "I prayed for ya. What went down" txt just really threw me for a loop and actually got my hopes up by seeing the nice side to her that I had remembered. Since I haven't heard from her since then I was just wondering if this was her way of clearing up some guilt in her own mind. She obviously never cared enough to call me or continue to try and contact me in regards to custody so i'm starting to think the txt was for her own selfish reasons.... Am I on track here or just overanalyzing?
Author wmrjw82 Posted February 18, 2011 Author Posted February 18, 2011 All thoughts on this would be appreciated. I just dont know why after all the anger and coldness that she would comes across as nice and wonder about my custody hearing? And nothing since then...
Layzie89 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Most likely she texted you that because she does actually care enough about you and your kids to know what happened. But I wouldn't dwelll on it...think of it as being just that, nothing more. I'm 21 days NC today..I believe you and I are in the same boat?
depplover_1980 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 All thoughts on this would be appreciated. I just dont know why after all the anger and coldness that she would comes across as nice and wonder about my custody hearing? And nothing since then... A big part of your recovery involves not obsessing over everything. What the text really meant is irrelevant really, plus she hasn't backed it up with anything since. What is important is you need to start to dealing with things a little better and put more focus onto you. Every time you find yourself dominated by thoughts of her, you need to actively change what you are doing that moment and put your mind on something else - a distraction technique. Also keep fantasising over your future, ambitions and plans. In time you will be able to divert the thoughts away merely through practice.
Author wmrjw82 Posted February 18, 2011 Author Posted February 18, 2011 A big part of your recovery involves not obsessing over everything. What the text really meant is irrelevant really, plus she hasn't backed it up with anything since. What is important is you need to start to dealing with things a little better and put more focus onto you. Every time you find yourself dominated by thoughts of her, you need to actively change what you are doing that moment and put your mind on something else - a distraction technique. Also keep fantasising over your future, ambitions and plans. In time you will be able to divert the thoughts away merely through practice. but she's SO proud. What if this was the only way she knew to reach out and i just rejected it? She probably thinks she did me so wrong there's no way I would take her back and that isnt the case!
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