Girlfriend unsure about us

[hockeyman80]

So after a year and a half my girlfriend who is 21 tells me she's unsure what she wants after just recovering from pneumonia which she had for a month and a half. For a month and a half I supported her, skipped school to go to the hospital with her, did whatever I could for her. There for her while she suffered and cried through the whole month. I couldn't kiss her and we couldn't have sex which sucked but obviously this was the last thing on my mind. What's driving me to no end now is that as soon as she's better she's unsure of what she wants with me and we haven't been intimate since she's been better nor has she really been herself.

 

I'm in such a ****ty situation because as you guys would probably say I should just back off and give her time to think. But that's hard because part of the reason she says she feels "different" about me is because I'm "too passive". This is the first time she's told me this and I'm just downright lost. She's the type of girl who wants to be in control, and she never does anything that she doesn't want to do. So, sometimes my suggestions get shot down. She cares too much about who texts who first and stuff like that. Who says goodnight first. By far I suggest things to do and get shot down without a reschedule a TON more than her suggesting something and me shooting it down and not rescheduling.

 

Anyway I don't know what to do. We have a trip planned for April. I feel like we've been through so much together in a year and a half that this should only be a bump in the road. She loses her cool on the phone so she only talks to me about these things over blackberry messenger. She never did once say she wanted to end it but she hinted at it many times such as saying things like "I've been thinking about this for a while and I need to do things that benefit me" but then not long after she says "there are things we both need to improve for us".

 

I ended up deleting her off blackberry messenger altogether after she continued to bash me over and over again. It seemed like everything she said was "you're this, you're that" and it was all negative. However then she says I'm great and I tell her I know I'm great but I'll never believe that she thinks that after all the stuff she said to me. She overexaggerated how supportive she was of me and praised herself up while bringing me down.

 

Was I wrong for deleting her off blackberry messenger? After I did she texted me calling me childish but it was only then that she said we need to discuss how we can improve our relationship. So I call her and I tell her what I can do to improve and she says there's nothing she can do to improve herself and then just goes on a tangent about everything that's wrong with me. Trust me guys if there was that much wrong with me for 1) she shouldn't have stayed with me for this long and only realized it now out of the blue when I didn't do anything to trigger it and 2) I'd tell you since this is anonymous. I have never done anything to ever hurt her in the eyar and a half together. Completely loyal which apparently isn't attractive enough to keep her interested while also being physically attractive and smart.

 

Anyway I haven't really seen her lately and I don't know what I, myself, can be doing to salvage this. I try to be supportive of her when she says her feelings have changed but she's unsure, but then she says I don't care enough cause I'm not begging and pleading. I have all this burden on me but I don't want to lose her. I'm so shook up and haven't been eating properly but I haven't been letting her know this either. I went out to the bar Friday with friends for a few drinks and ended up seeing her there, approached her and she turned her back to me. Tried to find her again afterwards and she was talking to her ex boyfriend of 3 years who she never talks to when I'm around or his girlfriend.

 

What do I do if I want to save this? I keep getting drunk texts from her saying "we need to talk", she's said that line to me at 3 am two nights in a row and sober a few times too but nothing ever comes out of it other than her bashing me. I keep asking her what she wants to do and she says she isn't sure.

 

I can't be passive or aggressive. She has me in a position where it's very difficult to know what to think. She says Im "only trying" now that I'm "worried" about her and losing her. I've tried for much longer than this but she's so stubborn. So anyway this tells me I can't be aggressive and show I care but if I'm passive and don't then I'm in trouble for that too.

 

My heads spinning. Why hasn't she ended it? I don't know if I can since I love her so much and I haven't seen these sides of her before. I don't want to be the one responsible for ending it and screwing up a trip that was very looked forward to by the both of us. I don't know.

Edited January 31, 2011 by hockeyman80

[hockeyman80]

Any thoughts

[Nexus One]

My heads spinning. Why hasn't she ended it?

 

Have you asked her this?

[hockeyman80]

Yes I have. Multiple times. She keeps saying she isn't sure what to do

[Mad Max]

She hasn't found the next branch to swing to. Once she does, you know what she's going to do. Dump her now and save yourself the trouble that will come later on.

[bolase]

This is just my projection - sounds a lot like my relationship with my first boyfriend when I didn't do the right thing at the right time, hurt us both, and should have ended it a lot earlier.

 

She doesn't want it to end, but she will keep bashing you and being unhappy in the relationship, because she isn't completely satisfied. There's nothing wrong with you, at all, it's just that she wants different things and has come to realise that, but still cares for you very much and is paralysed and annoyed at hr own change of heart. It sounds like she doesn't really appreciate you for the person you are, any more. She is just too inexperienced perhaps to end it and do the mature thing.

 

So from the other point of view (yours), rather than ask why she hasn't ended it, I would tell her straight that you feel that you two are causing each other more stress and bad feeling than good, and you actually want to be happy (which you deserve to be) so you have to leave it.

[Whatshername]

Oh how I wish I had done just that. Then, when his cheating blew up in his face, no one would have been there to be hurt by it.

[GivenUp0083]

Here are my thoughts:

 

- You already lost her. When a woman mentions any sign of "thinking" of breaking up or not sure what she wants, then it's over. This is evident as she doesn't have the guts to just break up because she potentially feels guilty for keeping you around when she needed you and now knowing you're not the one for her she's doing what she thinks is "letting you down easy" when really it's a long and torturous process.

 

- The avoiding your phone calls and resorting to texting/blackberry messenger is her way of distancing herself. This way she can slowly express her thoughts to you, despite guilt, without having to deal directly with your reactions.

 

- Her criticism of you is fair, you sound like you have absolutely no backbone. Get some balls. Grow a pair. You're a man, you have a lot to offer. You sound like a guy who is willing to put forth effort and do a lot for a girl he cares about...there's a million women out there who will appreciate that. You need to recognize that and build your confidence. Her "taking control" has turned you into less of a man in her eyes.

 

- She's criticizing you and saying hurtful things because she wants YOU to break it off. She doesn't have the guts to do it or feels too guilty.

 

- There's one thing you need to do, and there's two ways to do it: You need to break up with her.

 

option 1: Meet her in person, get your emotions in check, and tell her to her face that you're hurt by her words and actions, you feel like she is wrong in leading you on during her sickness and the sacrafices you made, and that you are finished with her. Then never talk to her again.

 

option 2: You really want to get to her? This is a girl, again, that used you for support when she was down with a sickness and knew you made sacrafices for yet didn't let you go until she was back on her feet and healthy that she wasn't sure about you. How much respect does she really have for you? Initiate NO CONTACT with her effective immediately. This will drive her nuts. Don't text her, don't call her, don't talk to her. Start hanging out with girls. Doesn't matter if they're just friends or even your cousin. She'll probably make many attempts to contact you, and in the event she does just tell her you're done and don't give her any satisfaction of a discussion. Don't give her reasons, nothing, just say you're done. She may not care and be out of your life if you're lucky. Or she might realize how great of a guy you are now that you don't "need her" and she may come crawling back.

 

I say you should just move on with your life. I'm sure this is very painful and confusing for you and I've been there, it sucks. But it's over, you need to take time to self reflect and just go have fun. Take your mind off it. Enjoy your life. You sound like a decent dude, just need to grow a pair and not be afraid to stand up for yourself with the women you date, then I'm sure you'll meet a great girl that will appreciate you.

 

Good luck.

[hockeyman80]

Ok well this thread has helped me achieve perspective big time to say the least. GivenUp I took your advice and didn't initiate any contact with her. I actually started to feel a bit better too.

 

One thing in my head for certain is you can't persuade someone to want to be with you. So I started focusing on myself for the past few days. Then all of a sudden I get a text today telling me off because as she put it in her own words and speaking from her view: 'the reason why I'm (her not me) so pissed off and frustrated with you is because you don't text me first and even still now you're not texting me first, if you wanted to salvage this relationship you'd start texting me to show you're interested but even now I have to ask you to do that."

 

 

Flashback to last week where after being ignored for 2 weeks I attempted repeatedly to hang out with her and she made up an excuse everytime.

 

So, my response was obviously that I'd be willing to make changes to stay with her. However I realized over the past few days I don't NEED to stay with her, I just want to. I'm not going to go crazy just to stay with her because she's so difficult to get along with.

 

I told her if she wanted it to work I'd text her first and make those "small changes" that she wanted me to. However I said there's no point for me to be texting her first after the last time we talked which was on the phone on Saturday morning she told me she's unsure about us / frustrated with me / sick of me etc. I said I don't have anything to say over text to that.

 

I said I'm willing to put effort in to make it work IF SHE WANTS TO. I kept stressing this (over text of course) and telling her that it's difficult to patch things up / "prove that I'm interested" over text. How is asking her to hang out 50 times in the past 2 weeks and again asking her today not showing as much interest as sending a text? whhhhaat??

 

I also said I don't want to text someone whos always pissed off at me. Why would I. When I focus on myself I feel better than texting a girl who's obviously pissed at me and is probably gonna say something to make me feel crappy again.

 

I was fine with the no contact but a part of me is willing to make it work if she puts effort in. She's not taking any responsibility for anything. I said I'd do things to improve, and she still doesn't give an inch. What is the point of what she's doing? "MAYBE I'd be in a better mood if you texted me first" was the last thing she said to me.

 

Ok, but maybe she won't be?

 

It's like she wants it to work but she wants me to convince her I'm worth it.

 

Why do I have to prove myself over a damn phone? WOuldn't any other girl on this board want to be asked to hang out, etc rather than be texted first ?

 

I'm confused again. I had my heart stuck on something and she came back showing what I thought was interest but maybe it's not.

Edited February 1, 2011 by hockeyman80

[heartshaped]

'the reason why I'm (her not me) so pissed off and frustrated with you is because you don't text me first and even still now you're not texting me first, if you wanted to salvage this relationship you'd start texting me to show you're interested but even now I have to ask you to do that."

 

 

Flashback to last week where after being ignored for 2 weeks I attempted repeatedly to hang out with her and she made up an excuse everytime.

 

So, my response was obviously that I'd be willing to make changes to stay with her. However I realized over the past few days I don't NEED to stay with her, I just want to. I'm not going to go crazy just to stay with her because she's so difficult to get along with.

 

See, this is where you went wrong. You texted her back. You shouldn't have. Go completely NC until she apologizes for the way she's been acting/comes crawling back. Personally, though, I wouldn't put too much effort into something that the other person isn't even willing to put a little bit of effort into.

[hockeyman80]

I know, I texted her back because I thought she was coming around. She initially just said she wanted to talk but then said all that stuff afterwards. We're still not officially broken up so I did give in a little easier than I would have if we were completely.

 

Yeah, I'm not willing to put much effort in. I told her I'd work on what she wants me to work on but she still isn't saying anything about wanting to be with me. She should be happy enough that I even offered that.

 

I think, once again, I misread her and she's trying to just corner me. Convince me to send her texts so she feels like she's right in all this and has some kind of power over me, and then never put any effort in to actually patch things up.

 

Still don't understand how a text is showing more interest than physically seeing somebody. But I guess it's a game.

[ConflictedGuy27]

OP, to initiate NC implies that there is no working it out.

 

next time she contacts you, ignore it. do not respond.

 

continue to stick with true NC and you'll be fine in no time. I fully agree with the advice you received about hanging out with other girls, too. do that.

 

you need to stop chasing this manipulative, narcissist, b*tch right now.

let this one go, buddy.

 

2 months of NC and she'll only be a memory.

[Nexus One]

I too think she's playing some sort of game, because if she says that the reason she's pissed at you is for you "not texting first" and that that is so detrimental to her feelings for you, then something is up.

 

Because if someone is angry at you and that's the worst thing they can come up with about you, then it's possible that it's some sort of "faked" anger. She wants something or is even angry about something, but she's not saying it directly, all she seems able to do is express frustration by cherry picking some ridiculously small non-issue.

 

And the reason why you're not seeing her turn around in her behavior towards you, even though you started texting first, is because that was not at all the real reason for her behavior in the first place.

 

From a man's perspective some of the things you wrote here, where you took a tougher stance towards her, actually seemed like they felt right for some reason. You mentioned in another thread that she mentioned you were passive. Perhaps you should let some of your testosterone flow and take a tougher stance towards her and perhaps even put her in her place in a clear and direct way.

 

Not that I think that women have "a place", no I don't mean it in a derogatory way like that, but you mentioned she had been secretly creating online dating profiles even though you two are together. So a tougher stance might be justified from your perspective.

 

It's something you could consider doing, but at your own risk. You know the dynamics of your relationship with her far better than we do.

 

You shouldn't be willing to settle for a relationship where the woman is only willing to communicate with you by text messages via a phone and only at her own terms. She's pushing you around, being a psychology student perhaps she's trying to provoke you into some sort of behavior she would like to see from you. What I don't like about that though is that she's using the relationship between you and her as leverage. That goes too far in my opinion.

Edited February 1, 2011 by Nexus One

[Jannah]

I said I'm willing to put effort in to make it work IF SHE WANTS TO. I kept stressing this (over text of course) and telling her that it's difficult to patch things up / "prove that I'm interested" over text. How is asking her to hang out 50 times in the past 2 weeks and again asking her today not showing as much interest as sending a text? whhhhaat??

 

I also said I don't want to text someone whos always pissed off at me. Why would I. When I focus on myself I feel better than texting a girl who's obviously pissed at me and is probably gonna say something to make me feel crappy again.

 

I was fine with the no contact but a part of me is willing to make it work if she puts effort in. She's not taking any responsibility for anything. I said I'd do things to improve, and she still doesn't give an inch. What is the point of what she's doing? "MAYBE I'd be in a better mood if you texted me first" was the last thing she said to me.

 

Ok, but maybe she won't be?

 

It's like she wants it to work but she wants me to convince her I'm worth it.

 

Why do I have to prove myself over a damn phone? WOuldn't any other girl on this board want to be asked to hang out, etc rather than be texted first ?

 

I'm confused again. I had my heart stuck on something and she came back showing what I thought was interest but maybe it's not.

 

Yes of course, most women would prefer to be asked out. But this is a girl you've been in a relationship with for a year and a half that you've hit a rough patch with. Even if you weren't having a rough patch, neither one of you should have to ask the other to hang out the way such as what you've described. When you're in a relationship, it's usually a given that your time is spent together versus going out with friends all the time, her cancelling plans with you for her friends, and refusing to see you like that.

 

Keeping in mind, she is 21, and that may very well have something to do with it. However, you can't really patch things up if she won't even at the least see you in person. So, do what you have to do, for you.

[hockeyman80]

ConflictedGuy, I know it means no possibility for working it out. I just kind of went distant to see if she'd act/come back/give an inch. Didn't really go NC.

 

I'm stubborn, if I want something I sometimes go to ridiculous lengths to get it. Some might call it stupid instead of stubborn. I actually decided I was going to play her game back. I text her first now being happy/completely myself and she texts back sarcastic saucy statements or one worded answers. Not herself at all. So I'll keep the conversation going a little bit and then tell her I have plans and gotta run. So I think this proves that it's more than just that. Sure, it's only been a day, but I did it last night and this morning. But how many days would I have to text her first for her "mood to change".

 

Nexus One, I agree with everything you said too. Yes she calls me passive but any time we argue it's always initiated by me. But it's initiated by me trying to have a calm conversation and she blows it out of whack. I did "put her in her place" on Saturday and I don't plan on trying any kind of verbal attack against her anymore. Her ego is too big for it to damage her anyway. She is definitely using it as leverage.

 

and Jannah well thats the way my relatonship has always been with her. I'll ask her on a Monday to do something on the weekend with me and she'll say she has plans, then tell me I don't ask her early enough. It's weird because she's been the priority for me but there's been lots of times where I've been rejected or been told that. Heck, she's even felt bad sometimes about spending time with me that she'll leave halfway through a movie just to go see her friends. Or we'll have dinner plans for days and when I'm in the shower getting ready she'll call me and say she's going with her dad instead. Sure it's her dad but she's still ditching me. I'm sure her dad would understand that she already had plans with her boyfriend. I get tossed if there's something better to do.

 

Right, I can't do anything to patch anything up just over text. INitiating texts to her is not solving, and will not solve anything. I just figured I'd play her game back for a day or two. But, after realizing that all this does is make me more anxious when I otherwise wouldn't be, I'm not going to do it anymore.

 

I'm just going NC starting now. I want it to work with her when she's herself and willing to make it work, btu she's not giving me anything. Any msg I send her she just tells me how hard she's been working out or how good she's doing in school blah blah it's nothing about anything important. Or like asking me if I wrote a message on the snow on her car just to get me thinking. It's all games and if I keep doing this "initiating texts" bull**** I'm just going to keep asking for trouble for myself.

 

She shows so much hatred and contempt for me it isn't even fit, combining that with not wanting to see me and I don't know what me texting her proves other than giving her an ego boost.

 

I'm doing ME from now on and F**K the people who think I have to prove myself to them, who I have to beg to see, who bring me down and have no respect for me to tell me the truth. To the girls who tell me my arms aren't big enough, my abs don't show enough, my beard isn't the right way, blah blah blah I've been told it all by her. Yes I get anxiety thinking about her being with someone else which I'm sure will happen much sooner than I want it to but maybe she'll just show all these ****ed up sides to him too.

Edited February 2, 2011 by hockeyman80

[hockeyman80]

We're in the same society at our university and it meets once a week. I can't completely avoid her but should I skip the meeting for now to save myself some drama or will that make me look weak. There's only like 6 people in it

[xpaperxcutx]

We're in the same society at our university and it meets once a week. I can't completely avoid her but should I skip the meeting for now to save myself some drama or will that make me look weak. There's only like 6 people in it

Nothing makes a person happier than to see an ex still bitter about a break up. If you can be the better person, be one. Act civil and polite; pretend nothing happened and do what you have to do.

[Ms. Joolie]

Wow, hockeyman, your GF was really beating you up over whatever was going on in that head of hers. So sorry you had to go through that. From what I can see, your girlfriend was wanting something else from the relationship and not what she had. The major breakdown in all this is she didn't communicate to you what exactly she wanted. Instead she thought she could beat you up over it.

 

Maybe she does just want a guy who is 'not passive', whatever that means to her. Maybe she does just want a guy who communicates by text/phone/email/IM several times a day. It almost sounds like she needs someone as aggressive as she is, and you are just not that.

 

Don't make yourself wrong for not being who she wanted you to be. You are you, and that will always be what's wanted in the relationship that is right for you.

 

There's just an incompatibility here, so don't take it personally. She's figuring out what she wants in a relationship, and not communicating what she wants with you very well at all. If you want to take the higher road, I would say accept her nonsense and be mature in whatever communication you must have with her. Don't leave things incomplete, say what you have to say and then just let it go.

 

Amazingly, the next thing around the corner comes around for us once we say what we need to say. I hope you two will say what you need to say and move on with your lives - together or apart. It'll all work out, just keep your head high.

[hockeyman80]

papercut yes I ended up going to the meeting after, I'm not scared of her and throughout the past week when I did see her in the school I would smile and say hi and she would turn her head and walk away so I'm desensitized to it now, nothing can really get worse.

 

Joolie yes I know she clearly wants something else, keep in mind she hasn't officially broke it off yet nor have I, although I'm treating it that way. The thing I will never understand is that she wants someone who is aggressive as she is... but I don't see any compatibility in that either because things need to be her way or no way. She's the youngest one in the society at school and shes the only one who offers up ideas and tries to take the lead. It's weird because people there are 3-4 years older than her. She always wants to be in control of everything.

 

ANyway no point to analyze who she really is or what she may or may not want. I'm a guy who lives on my own pays my own bills cleans up after myself and am involved in lots. She still lives at home getting babied and praised up all the time so that her ego inflates exponentially. I care about the girls I'm with so hopefully things will turn around. I don't have enough to keep her around.

 

and about the texting we usually text a lotttttttt during the day but she puts all the importance on who initiates it. I don't buy that though I still think she's making a big deal of a non issue.

 

Just doing what a previous poster said and nc'ing. I'll never get through to her so things will just have to be left incomplete, which sucks, but I don't feel its my choice. If I say anything I'll just get yelled at anyway or laughed at over text.

 

Hope I can get through this semester