CCfooty Posted January 30, 2011 Posted January 30, 2011 Hey all, I put my story up here before but it's far too long to write out. In a nut shell... i've had trust issues, i'm thinking from my past relationships - who knows. Anyway, my ex broke up with me because she couldn't handle my trust issues. She said "i'm still in love with you, but need to do this for myself". She has a history of being with people that don't trust her, so she really can't stand when there's a lack of trust. 2.5 months passed after we broke up and she was still saying she loved me and that maybe we can get together after a certain time, etc etc. It's been about 4-5 months now. I was always suspicious of another girl, and called her out on it, which she ALWAYS denied to me... buuut it turns out I was right. Less than a month after we broke up I thought she was with her. She denied it and consistently denied it. Still said she loved me and maybe we could try again in a few months. Earlier this month she told my sister (they used to be good friends) that her and this girl were "together" but she wasn't really into commitment right now. It's very confusing to me. Also not sure why she couldn't just tell me... Irregardless perhaps. I have been up and down with making a decision about attending a week long course with my work. It's ONLY at this one time and VERY important to attend for career purposes. The ex WILL be there, so I was very indecisive about going. She ended up sending me an email a few weeks ago saying I should go, and not to waste this opportunity on being upset with me. That she won't get into talking about things again, but that everything she said hasn't changed and won't change. I'm not even sure that she REMEMBERS everything she said, given I asked the same 3-4 things a lot (ie: (1) about this other girl; (2) if she could never see us together again, to just tell me - she couldn't answer because she didn't know, just maybe [which bothers me, because I KNOW when I won't be with someone again]; (3) that I thought what we had was really special and different, and if I was wrong to tell me - she said I wasn't wrong). Now, I have decided to go. I decided before she sent that email. I never answered her email, and she ended up texting me saying it was unfair of me to not have made a decision yet because the organizers REALLY needed to know (I was already in touch with them, so they knew I was still deciding on things). So - as I HAVE decided to go. And I guess NC was broken already. I'm still very hurt, mainly because she lied about that other girl. I'm not sure how to "let go" at all, because I really DO still care and don't think we broke up on terms where the feelings just weren't there....... especially due to her actions after we broke up. How do I react at this week long course? I can't avoid her. We will be staying in the same building and there's nobody there but the people on that course (about 20 people). Do I call her out on things? It's easy to be "civil". I would really hate if she was just "civil" to me. I can only see myself coming out hurt from this.
Mavisse Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 I have so much compassion for people who wind up having to work with their exes. I don't think I could do it! I think your ex is right, though. You can't screw up this important opportunity because of your relationship, and I think you made the right decision in planning to go. As to how you handle yourself, you are on the right track with planning to be civil. If there is tension between you two, it will be noticed by others and it will look less than professional. If you wind up bringing relationship drama into the experience, you will kind of cancel out the career benefit of going in the first place, right? Maybe this can be the beginning of you two having a strict division of work/personal stuff? If she won't play along, I would defitnely think of leaving for a new job. Good luck!
spy-vs-spy Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 How do I react at this week long course? You need to be civil. You really need to. I would go as far as to say this relationship is not-salvageable. And the sooner you come to terms with that the easier it will be for you. If this course is as important as you say it is for career terms, then use that as a reason to be civil. You should not bring outside issues into your work environment, it will only hurt you and your career prospects. Focus on being successful at the course and when you succeed in that use that as fuel to move on. Do I call her out on things? I just do not see this as helping or solving anything. Short term gains for your "sanity," though usually just pride, won't help you move on. People will always be on the defensive when you call them out. It's easy to be "civil". I would really hate if she was just "civil" to me. It sounds as though if she were to not be civil to you, it would just be because she would then be paying you attention. Which this isn't healthy because craving any attention even bad, non civil-attention, is never a good thing. You need to focus on the importance of this class and not like personal issues cloud that. I can only see myself coming out hurt from this. That is only if you allow yourself to be. I hate to sound like a broken record but the sooner you realize that things won't ever be as they were the sooner you will begin to recover. I'm not trying to sound like a mean bastard, well maybe a bit. Good luck!
Author CCfooty Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Thank you both for the responses. I should also mention... we were doing distance (12 hour driving), and made it work, though obviously with trust issues NOT being in the same place makes it extremely difficult. This new person is not distance at all. I do blame myself for not trusting more, and do believe I have some growing up to do with regard to that before I can commit to someone fairly. I'll also say, I think she has a TON of growing up to do based on a few things as well. 2.5 months after we broke up, I was headed away across the country on a course for a month... so she asked to see me because she was scared I was leaving and because she "still loved me". I did end up seeing her, and that was that. It's been about 2 months since than and only become more complicated. I haven't seen her face to face since. I would never screw up the opportunity. The good thing is, i'm on very personal terms with one of the organizers of this course. One of them is a good friend of mine, so that one is semi aware of what's going on in my life. In terms of screwing up a career advancement opportunity; both of us (my ex and I) are kind of not at risk for anything to happen that would be negative career wise with regard to this course. Long explanation behind that, but both of us - even if either of us acts like a complete muppet - are not at risk of anything negative (albeit if we verbally fight in front of the group or impact the group negatively that would be EXTREMELY unprofessional - but I don't see that happening). I agree, things won't ever be as they were. However; Non-salvageable, I really don't know. I can't convince myself it's over for good. I guess i've just been waiting for her to tell me it's over for GOOD, and she can't tell me that... which bothers me. Is there some sort of justification behind that?? I truly can say, that it is EASY to tell that to my exes (except her). Another dilemma to add on top of all of this. Her parents really cared about me. They got in touch with me early December and wanted to meet up for dinner, and then I was out of country for a few weeks. They got in touch with me again recently and still want to do dinner. They both know my ex is now with this new person. Would you go? I guess the answer will be something along the lines of: if you can separate your feelings for your ex from her parents... i'm still trying to figure that out. I love them dearly, and loved her entire family dearly. But they are HER family. So i'm not sure what to do...
Author CCfooty Posted February 8, 2011 Author Posted February 8, 2011 I guess some updates since... She got in touch with me lately again. Saying she wants to be on good terms going into this week long event. Basically saying sorry for cutting me out, and that she felt it was the right thing to cut me out when she did (she cut me out in December)... that she had to because she was hurting and us talking was hurting us both... that she knows people don't see it like that, because she's good at hiding her feelings and it was easier for her to pretend like she was fine even though she wasn't. By December, I really thought she didn't have feelings at all (especially since i'm positive she was dating the girl she's with at the time, and i'm pretty sure they're saying they love each other already). What do I make of all of that? I think it was a really inappropriate thing to tell me - given she knows how I feel since i've been debating not going due to her. I haven't initiated any convo with her, but feel it'll be a bad thing to not respond given I have to spend a week with her soon...
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