Correcting Negative Patterns:Tackling Low Self-Esteem & Poor Relationship Habits

January 29, 2011

Someone else on one of my other threads asked me how I was dealing with my low-self esteem, so I thought I would post a few of my thoughts and share a little of my current experience with tackling this common issue.

I believe that low self-esteem is the root cause of most relationship failures. My feelings of 'not being' good enough'; feeling 'inadequate' and 'worth less' have manifested themselves in numerous ways for me such as unresolved anger, jealousy, narcissism, commitment-avoidance and abandonment fears, thus I have created a pattern of self-sabotage simply because I've lacked real belief in myself.

In looking at my past relationships, I've found a pattern of choosing insecure men. Men who portrayed themselves as Mr. Nice Guys or displayed some kind of passivity ('laid-back' types) to cover up their insecurities. Unbeknownst to them I was actually using these facades to cover up my own insecurities as well. I thought that if I 'fell' for guys who seemed more into me than I was into them that I couldn't get hurt: it was a sure thing. It was because I'd dealt with a long string of rejective behaviour with my peers while growing up that I subconsciously chose this path to take.

I believe my lack of developing healthy relationships (inc. friendships) stemmed from growing up in a dysfunctional household environment. Even though my parents were together, their relationship - the ones that children experience as their first - was not based on healthy love: my parents barely knew each other before my mum fell pregnant. It was only because of their shared value of responsibility and the tradition of a '2-parent' household that they got married and stayed together.

During this time, I had to put up with my dad's aggressive and disciplinarian ways and my mum's doting behaviour (she is the embodiment of the 'martyr' type). When my sister was born, I suffered from jealousy: I would act out and I would get punished to teach me a lesson. Little did my parents know that this was detrimental to my emotional growing because they lacked the psychological insight to address the cause rather than the symptoms. I believe this dynamic influenced my aforementioned emotional issues.

It's affected me my whole life but until I started therapy, I didn't realise how much.

All the self-help books that teach you how to be 'more confident', 'more empowered', more 'this' more 'that', I feel are missing the point. It's not something that can be swept up under the carpet. In my many months of therapy and reading various self-help books I've found that the most effective technique for me is the work of healing the Inner Child.

Inner Child work delves deeper into your negative patterning. While it's all very well saying, 'well I know I'm this way because of my parents' that doesn't help you in moving forward. With inner child work, it teaches you to acknowledge, accept and then re-parent yourself to give you the love that the child within you - the one who has been subconsciously hurt all these years - deserves.

This is the love that must come from within, not from anyone else. You can also forget about getting it from your parent(s). It's too late for that: it's your responsibility now as an adult to heal yourself.

So all those who believe they will only be happy if only someone else would love them back, would benefit greatly from practicing inner child work.

That's not to say that I think relationships are a waste of time. But I bet they would hurt a hell of a lot less if we all took the time to really understand what it is we want; why we want it and why we feel entitled for someone else to give it to us when we should really be doing this for ourselves.

I'm only just beginning my journey, and I realise that it's going to take me a long time before I can properly heal from my past. But I do feel like it's given me a direction to move into rather than feel stuck and wonder why I'm going round in circles.

Grateful for any thoughts you may have on this topic or feel free to add any tips and techniques you may have found helpful in your own self-help journey.

January 29, 2011

That's not to say that I think relationships are a waste of time. But I bet they would hurt a hell of a lot less if we all took the time to really understand what it is we want; why we want it and why we feel entitled for someone else to give it to us when we should really be doing this for ourselves.

I love your post! Reading this really hits home for me. The main thing I want is someone in my life to listen to what I have to say and to be there for me. I crave so much to have this, especially the "listening" part. I feel like I always HAVE TO have someone to talk to. I even stress myself out about it at times. I just recently ended a relationship, so now I'm single again, and I'm finding myself seeking out some type of companionship from a man. I'm beginning to see why I'm wanting this.

As a child, I never really had any friends, I am the oldest child and the odd child, as I didn't have that close brother or sister....so I was sort of out there by myself. Being the oldest, I took on alot of responsbility while my mom was working, so I didn't really have time to go and out play. Anyway, my dad wasn't there, so I'm constantly seeking out men that will be there for me like he wasn't, but always seem to end up getting men that are not there for me when I need them. I never really had anyone that I could talk with about things that bothers me. Usually when I try to talk to my mom, she either starts talking about her problems or she's negative....and that's what I have been seeing thoughout my life so far. Most of the people that enter my life are usually the ones that come to me about their problems (because I'm a very good listener), but when I'm looking for that listening ear, I'm not being heard...or least that's the way I feel. I have cut so many bridges, it's a shame. How do I get pass this? How can I stop having these cravings of having to have someone to talk to?

January 30, 2011

I love your post! Reading this really hits home for me. The main thing I want is someone in my life to listen to what I have to say and to be there for me. I crave so much to have this, especially the "listening" part. I feel like I always HAVE TO have someone to talk to. I even stress myself out about it at times. I just recently ended a relationship, so now I'm single again, and I'm finding myself seeking out some type of companionship from a man. I'm beginning to see why I'm wanting this.

As a child, I never really had any friends, I am the oldest child and the odd child, as I didn't have that close brother or sister....so I was sort of out there by myself. Being the oldest, I took on alot of responsbility while my mom was working, so I didn't really have time to go and out play. Anyway, my dad wasn't there, so I'm constantly seeking out men that will be there for me like he wasn't, but always seem to end up getting men that are not there for me when I need them. I never really had anyone that I could talk with about things that bothers me. Usually when I try to talk to my mom, she either starts talking about her problems or she's negative....and that's what I have been seeing thoughout my life so far. Most of the people that enter my life are usually the ones that come to me about their problems (because I'm a very good listener), but when I'm looking for that listening ear, I'm not being heard...or least that's the way I feel. I have cut so many bridges, it's a shame. How do I get pass this? How can I stop having these cravings of having to have someone to talk to?

TLCbear, I so understand where you are coming from. I, too am the eldest child, the first-born, though because my sister is a close 18 months behind me, often it feels as if she's the older one, because she has the stronger character.

While my parents were busy worrying about my behaviour (I was a withdrawn child; I'm naturally introverted), my sister had to fend for herself and I think that helped her to grow stronger when in groups of people. I, on the other hand, wouldn't socialise much: I felt way too out-of-place with my peers. Consequently, I ddin't have any close friends when I did temporarily get close to having one, I would find that they either changed schools (so I felt 'abandoned') or ended up being unreliable and not trustworthy.

Unfortunately, this lack of interelating with peers and forming close friendships has carried over into my personal relationships. I can either be too uncomfortable to talk or you can't shut me up! So either these insecure guys I end up with are the same or they just can't handle their own emotions to be able to listen attentively without trying to 'fix' things.

January 30, 2011

OMG, I can so relate. It has always been hard for me to make friends because I'm very quiet and don't socialize much. Most people consider me antisocial. Eventhough I don't totally agree with them, I do have to agree to a degree because I just can't go up and socialize with someone just to socialize. I wouldn't know what to say and don't feel comfortable. When I do make friends, seemed like everytime I do, they ended up leaving or moving. The last girl friend I had was at a previous job and we got along really well...then a couple of weeks later, she decided to leave the job. We kept in touch for a while, sooner or later, calls got lesser and lesser, and then no more...so yes, I understand about feeling abandoned...guess that sort of stems back to the "not having a father around" issue.

I don't know if I date insecure men, but I know I tend to date unstable and emotional unavailable men. I'm learning now how to pick better men...and slowly learning more and more about myself. You have been an inspiration to me, simply because I never knew my childhood issues really had an effect in my adult life. Never looked at it that way. Thanks and good luck to you. Keep up the good work!

January 30, 2011

Aww, thanks TLCbear. It feels good to know that someone else can relate.

Introversion isn't necessarily a 'bad' thing, though most of society implies there's something wrong with you if you don't speak up/speak out or want to be alone. I was having this discussion with my therapist where I said that I love to socialise (now) but I can only take people for so long, before I feel my energy levels drop and want to be alone to 'recharge'.

Unstable/emotional unavailability I think can be classed as an insecurity (a defence mechanism to disguise vulnerability/intimacy?). I have my own problems with being intimate and saying how I really feel and I know that this can come across as being emotionally unavailable to my ex partners.

As an add-on, I've started reading about the Outer Child which is the part of us that acts out negative behaviours that the Inner Child is feeling eg. if deep inside you are feeling hurt and rejected, Outer Child might act out by being angry/jealous/manipulative, etc.) I think this may be the key to understanding why we self-sabotage, even when logically, we know we are doing something that will ultimately make us feel worse.

I hope this helps. Good luck with your discoveries too!

January 31, 2011

Much of what people have said resonates with me

I was an only child who had no friends; I was shy and quiet, and was bullied and ostracized by my peers. I learned to expect rejection from other people, so when someone asked me on a date (in my late teens) I was utterly shocked, and I found it difficult to trust and rely on him. He dumped me after a few months, which made me even more insecure and I expected even more to be rejected by people. I didn't date another guy who I actually liked for over a decade.

My low self esteem led me to date anyone who expressed an interest, even if I wasn't really interested in them - I was only interested in having someone's approval and friendship. Some of these guys treated me badly, some of them treated me well, but what they all had in common was that I wasn't really interested in any of them, so all of those relationships ended. My lack of interest made those relationships safe, and I enjoyed it when I was in a position of power with a guy who liked me more than I liked him. It took until my late twenties for my self esteem to become high enough for me to realize that I didn't have to settle for any guy who would have me, and that I could decline dates and choose a guy that I was actually interested in! No wonder none of my relationships worked out, because I was dating loser guys who I didn't even really want to be with!

It didn't help that I never had an example of a healthy relationship to follow - my grandparents hated each other's guts, and my mom and dad were civil to each other but not close or loving (they separated when I left home). They were very argumentative and screamed at each other a lot, and it took me until my late twenties to figure out what a healthy relationship was supposed to be like and how conflict should be handled.

I still suffer from low self esteem, mostly related to my lack of success in forming lasting friendships and relationships. I still prefer to be in a position of power with a man who is insecure about me leaving him; it makes me feel safe, and less scared of being abandoned. I realize that such relationships are unhealthy and won't work out, so I'm actively trying to change my behavior. I'm now dating a guy who I feel is more my equal (instead of dating below me so I feel more secure), and I'm trying to make him feel happy and secure instead of undermining his security to appease my abandonment issues. I feel that I'm making progress, though I'm still very insecure and my low self esteem makes me question why a nice guy like my boyfriend is even dating me. I don't think I'll ever be good at forming friendships, but my self esteem is slowly increasing, and my boyfriend is helping a lot by being kind and faithful and loving

January 31, 2011

Much of what people have said resonates with me

I was an only child who had no friends; I was shy and quiet, and was bullied and ostracized by my peers. I learned to expect rejection from other people, so when someone asked me on a date (in my late teens) I was utterly shocked, and I found it difficult to trust and rely on him. He dumped me after a few months, which made me even more insecure and I expected even more to be rejected by people. I didn't date another guy who I actually liked for over a decade.

My low self esteem led me to date anyone who expressed an interest, even if I wasn't really interested in them - I was only interested in having someone's approval and friendship. Some of these guys treated me badly, some of them treated me well, but what they all had in common was that I wasn't really interested in any of them, so all of those relationships ended. My lack of interest made those relationships safe, and I enjoyed it when I was in a position of power with a guy who liked me more than I liked him. It took until my late twenties for my self esteem to become high enough for me to realize that I didn't have to settle for any guy who would have me, and that I could decline dates and choose a guy that I was actually interested in! No wonder none of my relationships worked out, because I was dating loser guys who I didn't even really want to be with!

It didn't help that I never had an example of a healthy relationship to follow - my grandparents hated each other's guts, and my mom and dad were civil to each other but not close or loving (they separated when I left home). They were very argumentative and screamed at each other a lot, and it took me until my late twenties to figure out what a healthy relationship was supposed to be like and how conflict should be handled.

I still suffer from low self esteem, mostly related to my lack of success in forming lasting friendships and relationships. I still prefer to be in a position of power with a man who is insecure about me leaving him; it makes me feel safe, and less scared of being abandoned. I realize that such relationships are unhealthy and won't work out, so I'm actively trying to change my behavior. I'm now dating a guy who I feel is more my equal (instead of dating below me so I feel more secure), and I'm trying to make him feel happy and secure instead of undermining his security to appease my abandonment issues. I feel that I'm making progress, though I'm still very insecure and my low self esteem makes me question why a nice guy like my boyfriend is even dating me. I don't think I'll ever be good at forming friendships, but my self esteem is slowly increasing, and my boyfriend is helping a lot by being kind and faithful and loving

Eeyore79,

Bingo on the above points! I feel I too have downplayed my interest in previous exes to feel the same: power; and an ego boost I guess, simply to avoid the possibility of rejection. The only problem is that once I got to know them, I would start to feel too safe; too secure, because in actual fact, it turns out I was in care-taking relationships. They never worked out, so obviously that tactic has to change!

Only recently have I realised that my last one mirrored the relationship I have with my mum: being taken care of, so that it left me 'free' to pursue what it was I wanted to do in life and have my partners 'in the background' as it were.

Just out of curiousity, did you have any extended family growing up to be able to hang-out with? I didn't, so even if I didn't have any firends, I didn't really have any family either (apart from my sis, but then she had her own friends). I ask because my ex was an only child too; I could see that he didn't have a close relationship with his parents. I saw that he was the 'quiet' type as well, something I guess that attracted me to him. although, he did find a social group to hang out with and I felt we both started to outgrow each other. I think we were in a co-dependent relationship: we both relied on each other until both of us found something else - in this case, different hobbies - to focus on, thus preventing us from actually making a true commitment to each other (and avoiding the intimacy after all).

Also, congrats on finding a healthy relationship! Are you able to be open with your current beau about your insecurities? I think if we are more open to discuss these feeling then our partners would be more well-equipped to deal with our (strange) behaviours - though only if we actually are working on our issues ourselves and not thinking that they or anyone else will make them go away.

Edited January 31, 2011 by ALonerAgain

February 1, 2011

No, I didn't have any extended family. I wasn't good at making friends either, and tended to get bullied, so when I was a kid I was alone a lot.

I try to be open with my partner about my insecurities; it's easier because he also has a lot of similar insecurities. He knows that I was bullied in my youth and I find it difficult to make friends etc, and he knows that I feel insecure in relationships and afraid of abandonment. I try not to go on about it too much though; I don't want to be constantly moaning about it.

February 1, 2011

No, I didn't have any extended family. I wasn't good at making friends either, and tended to get bullied, so when I was a kid I was alone a lot.

This is what happened to me too. I don't remember a week that went by when I wasn't bullied at least once. I believe this has contributed a lot to my unresolved anger issues: this underlying feeling of being humiliated; made to feel worthless because I was not brash like most of my other peers. Because I was your cliched overweight kid, with glasses and acne. I kept that anger inside and now I'e noticed that it unleashes itself in bursts - when I'm hurt, betrayed, disrespected or humilated - those tend to be my trigger points. I've managed to keep it under control over the years. But it's still there. And only now am I really trying to resolve it.

I try to be open with my partner about my insecurities; it's easier because he also has a lot of similar insecurities. He knows that I was bullied in my youth and I find it difficult to make friends etc, and he knows that I feel insecure in relationships and afraid of abandonment. I try not to go on about it too much though; I don't want to be constantly moaning about it.

Well, he seems pretty mature to handle it, so I'm happy for you

. You're right though about being cautious not to start going on about it too much: partners are not meant to be therapists and it can get to the point where it gets really comfortable to just let it out. That's why I pay someone else to listen to all my crap!

Have you done/are you in therapy yourself? And how does your boyfriend feel about it (or has he done it himself)? (Apologies if I'm asking too much. I'm just really curious to find out about others' experiences).

Edited February 1, 2011 by ALonerAgain

February 1, 2011

For anyone wanting to read more about any of the issues (and then some) I've mentioned, here's what I've found helpful for my current issues:

"The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" (Susan Anderson)- if you seem to be taking an unusually long time to get over a relationship; or your last relationship seems to have mirrored other traumatic events in your life - then it could be that you are suffering from abandonment issues: accumulative rejections from your past, tend to play out in relationships. It touches on healing the Inner Child and getting you focussed on the 'now'.

"Taming the Outer Child" (Susan Anderson)- like I mentioned, this is the follow-up to the above. When you hurt and are vulnerable, your "outer child" will manifest itself in making you act out negatively: whether that's by indulging in some kind of superficial comfort or procrastinating or whatever else that stops you from living life fully, this book claims to give you the tools to end your self-defeating behaviours.

"Inner Bonding: Becoming a loving Adult to Your Inner Child" (Margaret Paul)- teaches you how to 're-parent" yourself to stop you from repeating negative and self-sabotaging behaviours that we picked up from childhood (and most commonly, from our parent(s) ).

"The Dance of Anger" (Harriet Lerner) - written from a women's POV, this explores the issue of anger and how not to get caught up in the 'anger trap', whilst accepting your anger at the same time (i.e. not suppressing it).

"The Road Less Travelled" (M. Scott Peck) - becoming more spiritually aware of ourselves, our actions and our beliefs.

"The Grief Recovery HandbooK" (John W. James & Russell Friedman) - bought after my dad died, but just as useful for dealing with any type of loss.

"He's Scared, She's Scared" (Stephen Carter) - in depth look at "commitment-phobia", from both the 'active' (running away) and the passive (the idealisers) viewpoints.

February 5, 2011

Thanks for posting this list of resources, I'll look some of them up. I'm glad to see that I'm not the only person struggling with these issues.

Looking at the responses in this thread it seems like there are a few common points. We seem to have had poor parental role models who didn't have a great relationship, so we didn't really know what a loving relationship was supposed to be like. We've been bullied and rejected by other kids, and we've grown up with low self esteem, expecting to be rejected and disliked by people. We tend to have difficulties in forming close friendships as well as relationships, and there's this general feeling of not being good enough to deserve love. We've dated guys who we weren't really into, simply because we were too insecure and scared to date guys we actually liked, and because we wanted the ego boost of being adored without the risk of being hurt.

Maybe all of these points don't apply to everyone, but the posters in this thread seem to have mentioned a lot of the same things. We have to work around this negative conditioning, and learn to like ourselves and expect to be liked/loved, so we have the self esteem to date people we actually like and feel safe loving them because we expect to be loved back.

February 5, 2011

Have you done/are you in therapy yourself? And how does your boyfriend feel about it (or has he done it himself)?

Ah, I just saw this response cos the thread was bumped

Yes, I have sort of had therapy. What basically happened is that the therapist told me it was unhealthy to talk about my issues and my depression, because digging into them would just make me worse, and what I really needed to do was forget it and just move on. She thought that treatment should consist of trying to cheer myself up and stop thinking about things that were past and gone. I explained that I felt I couldn't move on, because I couldn't just turn off my feelings, I needed to understand them and resolve them before I could move on. She disagreed, so I simply stopped seeing her because she wasn't helping matters by invalidating my feelings.

My boyfriend has never seen a therapist as far as I know; he doesn't mention it very often but he had some serious issues in his youth with being bullied and beaten by other boys, and he has physical scars from their attacks. His family aren't the loving cuddly type, which really didn't help, because nobody has ever shown him affection or told him positive things about himself. He has extremely low self esteem, though I think he's better than he used to be.

It's kind of stupid because we both go around feeling insecure about not being good enough for the other person, though we are working on our issues together. Having a lot in common in terms of being shy and quiet is probably what makes our relationship work; we sort of understand and help each other.

February 5, 2011

Thanks for posting this list of resources, I'll look some of them up. I'm glad to see that I'm not the only person struggling with these issues.

Looking at the responses in this thread it seems like there are a few common points. We seem to have had poor parental role models who didn't have a great relationship, so we didn't really know what a loving relationship was supposed to be like. We've been bullied and rejected by other kids, and we've grown up with low self esteem, expecting to be rejected and disliked by people. We tend to have difficulties in forming close friendships as well as relationships, and there's this general feeling of not being good enough to deserve love. We've dated guys who we weren't really into, simply because we were too insecure and scared to date guys we actually liked, and because we wanted the ego boost of being adored without the risk of being hurt.

Maybe all of these points don't apply to everyone, but the posters in this thread seem to have mentioned a lot of the same things. We have to work around this negative conditioning, and learn to like ourselves and expect to be liked/loved, so we have the self esteem to date people we actually like and feel safe loving them because we expect to be loved back.

Thornton,

Your welcome.

And I think your summary is spot on.

The real work comes with moving forward from these poor 'roots'. A dear friend of mine who also suffers from low-self esteem based on poor role-modelling when she was growing up and is in therapy herself, said "I know where my issues come from; it's just how do I get over them and move forward?" Similarly, I know of a very talented married mum with 2 kids who still struggles with her esteem, despite being in a seemingly stable environment. It's something that we can't get away from, unless we work at it.

I'm still struggling with this myself, although the books I've mentioned above seem to touch on the 'way forward', so I'm hoping that by working through them, I'll make some positive progress.

It's a constant, uphill struggle. I believe learning and growing never stops - even when we do manage to find our "dream" partner. That's the mistake I made in my last relationship: I thought I had it all figured out; that I'd read enough books to get an understanding of what I'd been doing wrong before. Unfortunately, that was only half the problem - I stopped as soon as I was in, what I believed was/would be a 'stable, healthy relationship'. Only years later, the same issues I'd been trying to suppress would manifest themselves in subtle ways until they completely resurfaced - and now I've ended up ALonerAgain...

My lessons? Never stop reading; working; understanding about yourself. The more we do, the more we are able to have that inner belief that not only do we deserve 'better', we will be able to choose 'better' and in turn become 'better' ourselves.

February 5, 2011

Ah, I just saw this response cos the thread was bumped

Yes, I have sort of had therapy. What basically happened is that the therapist told me it was unhealthy to talk about my issues and my depression, because digging into them would just make me worse, and what I really needed to do was forget it and just move on. She thought that treatment should consist of trying to cheer myself up and stop thinking about things that were past and gone. I explained that I felt I couldn't move on, because I couldn't just turn off my feelings, I needed to understand them and resolve them before I could move on. She disagreed, so I simply stopped seeing her because she wasn't helping matters by invalidating my feelings.

Did she refuse to let you talk about your past at all? I understand that dwelling on the past is counterproductive (even though I am guilty of this myself) and if you had been doing this for a number of sessions, maybe she was trying to get you past this point? If she didn't let you talk about it all, then that is very strange...

Also, what kind of therapy was it? I did a few sessions with a hypnotherapist to get over a phobia, and his premise was that hypnotherapy is supposed to be 'almost immediate - no long-term commitment needed to get positive results', so I didn't really get to talk about my past that much (except to think back to when I might have started the phobia). I think this might be the case for some other types of therapy like, Cognitive Behaviourial therapy (CBT) and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). These are all quite different to psychotherapy (regular talking therapy) which is supposed to get you looking at your past to make sense of the present and move you into the future more positively. If your therapist practiced any of the former treatments, that would probably make sense as to why she reacted in this way.

My boyfriend has never seen a therapist as far as I know; he doesn't mention it very often but he had some serious issues in his youth with being bullied and beaten by other boys, and he has physical scars from their attacks. His family aren't the loving cuddly type, which really didn't help, because nobody has ever shown him affection or told him positive things about himself. He has extremely low self esteem, though I think he's better than he used to be.

It's kind of stupid because we both go around feeling insecure about not being good enough for the other person, though we are working on our issues together. Having a lot in common in terms of being shy and quiet is probably what makes our relationship work; we sort of understand and help each other.

Eeyore, I think this is the key: being comfrotable and being able to trust each other to share this information and to be committed in learning and growing together.

I only wish that me and my ex had the same sense of maturity in ourselves to have gotten to this point. Your boyfriend actually sounds like my ex in terms of his parental upbringing and I can certainly identify with the being bullied aspect. Keep it up and you 2 can grow stronger.

Edited February 5, 2011 by ALonerAgain

March 13, 2011

i have the same problem..also my childhood was like that.. and i dont see my father for ages..he never cared about me,so i end up being needy of male attention and having low self esteem, i have no doubt that is related to my father.

so how is this healing the inner child technique? do you think i could help myself? cant afford going to therapy right now..im looking for ways to help myself,if possible

April 23, 2011

i have the same problem..also my childhood was like that.. and i dont see my father for ages..he never cared about me,so i end up being needy of male attention and having low self esteem, i have no doubt that is related to my father.
so how is this healing the inner child technique? do you think i could help myself? cant afford going to therapy right now..im looking for ways to help myself,if possible

Hi BitterGirl,

Sorry I didn't see this post earlier, but I've bumped it up now.

Well, there's various different ways of getting into it. If you can't afford therapy, I would suggest getting a book on it.

Books by John Bradshaw, Margaret Paul and Alice Miller all deal with the inner child and childhood.

I think, when dealing with any sort of 'trauma', it's always good to have someone to talk to about it. Sometimes this stuff can be overwhelming so you need to have someone to share it with. Therapists are your best bet, cos they can look at it objectively and help you through it. However, if you have a trusted friend, that could work. Be careful though, as sometimes it might be a bit too much for them to handle.

Group therapy can also be an option, which is what I went for. It was only 1 workshop but it was v. powerful at uncovering how much of what I fear is still rooted in my upbringing and my relationship to my parents.

I hope this helps. But if you want further info, PM me and we can have a chat (same goes for anyone interested in digging deeper into their roots).

June 16, 2011

I've had very similar problems, eldest in my family with my dad suffering from schizophrenia and my mum working all the time but at the same time neglected me in the sense of paying me attention and affection throughout childhood. Deep down I know that's what I want to feel, someone genuinely being interested in me and what I do whether it's from parents, brothers, friends or a gf. But I've spent my time with a lot of negative people especially my family who kind of ignored/denied my needs and sometimes parents negatively comparing me to others in front of people. I've had low self esteem and confidence for a very long time from all aspects of my life, family, friends, school etc and it seems like an endless cycle of pain.

I was in a relationship but that was again with a very insecure woman (BPD girl) which dented my confidence even more after we broke up.

I don't want to feel like this. Now I'm trying to heal, signed up for some CBT therapy to get some serious help. I have joined the gym and play sports for a club on the weekend. But I still don't have friends who I can go out and keep myself sane with, that seems to be getting me down the most (most people will tend to stay away from people with low self esteem). I have this need to be talking to someone constantly which is unhealthy.

I become easily down if im just left by myself and my thoughts because I find myself in that situation alot of the times (at work especially).

I want to feel confident in terms of socialising + relationships+myself which i've never felt. I can excel at academia/work/sport which im fully confident but dealing with people is something i've struggled with for a long time. I don't want to attract unhealthy relationships anymore, I want to be healthy just struggle doing it alone with no support!

June 19, 2011

Someone else on one of my other threads asked me how I was dealing with my low-self esteem, so I thought I would post a few of my thoughts and share a little of my current experience with tackling this common issue.

I believe that low self-esteem is the root cause of most relationship failures. My feelings of 'not being' good enough'; feeling 'inadequate' and 'worth less' have manifested themselves in numerous ways for me such as unresolved anger, jealousy, narcissism, commitment-avoidance and abandonment fears, thus I have created a pattern of self-sabotage simply because I've lacked real belief in myself.

In looking at my past relationships, I've found a pattern of choosing insecure men. Men who portrayed themselves as Mr. Nice Guys or displayed some kind of passivity ('laid-back' types) to cover up their insecurities. Unbeknownst to them I was actually using these facades to cover up my own insecurities as well. I thought that if I 'fell' for guys who seemed more into me than I was into them that I couldn't get hurt: it was a sure thing. It was because I'd dealt with a long string of rejective behaviour with my peers while growing up that I subconsciously chose this path to take.

I believe my lack of developing healthy relationships (inc. friendships) stemmed from growing up in a dysfunctional household environment. Even though my parents were together, their relationship - the ones that children experience as their first - was not based on healthy love: my parents barely knew each other before my mum fell pregnant. It was only because of their shared value of responsibility and the tradition of a '2-parent' household that they got married and stayed together.

During this time, I had to put up with my dad's aggressive and disciplinarian ways and my mum's doting behaviour (she is the embodiment of the 'martyr' type). When my sister was born, I suffered from jealousy: I would act out and I would get punished to teach me a lesson. Little did my parents know that this was detrimental to my emotional growing because they lacked the psychological insight to address the cause rather than the symptoms. I believe this dynamic influenced my aforementioned emotional issues.

It's affected me my whole life but until I started therapy, I didn't realise how much.

All the self-help books that teach you how to be 'more confident', 'more empowered', more 'this' more 'that', I feel are missing the point. It's not something that can be swept up under the carpet. In my many months of therapy and reading various self-help books I've found that the most effective technique for me is the work of healing the Inner Child.

Inner Child work delves deeper into your negative patterning. While it's all very well saying, 'well I know I'm this way because of my parents' that doesn't help you in moving forward. With inner child work, it teaches you to acknowledge, accept and then re-parent yourself to give you the love that the child within you - the one who has been subconsciously hurt all these years - deserves.

This is the love that must come from within, not from anyone else. You can also forget about getting it from your parent(s). It's too late for that: it's your responsibility now as an adult to heal yourself.

So all those who believe they will only be happy if only someone else would love them back, would benefit greatly from practicing inner child work.

That's not to say that I think relationships are a waste of time. But I bet they would hurt a hell of a lot less if we all took the time to really understand what it is we want; why we want it and why we feel entitled for someone else to give it to us when we should really be doing this for ourselves.

I'm only just beginning my journey, and I realise that it's going to take me a long time before I can properly heal from my past. But I do feel like it's given me a direction to move into rather than feel stuck and wonder why I'm going round in circles.

Grateful for any thoughts you may have on this topic or feel free to add any tips and techniques you may have found helpful in your own self-help journey.

good post thanks for sharing

wat you said makes alot of sense to me as I am dealing with my own self esteem issues, the whole idea of being happy with yourself first instead of looking for someone to give you happiness is great i just hope i can get there someday

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Correcting Negative Patterns:Tackling Low Self-Esteem & Poor Relationship Habits

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