Reconciliation Gone Wrong

[NeNinja]

After six weeks of No Contact I accidentally 'reconnected' with my ex-girlfriend yesterday. Hilarity did not ensue.

 

I had literally just stepped off of a plane and taken my phone off of Airplane mode when it started to ring. No caller ID. I answered it. It was HER! I knew what to do. I played it cool.

 

I mentioned I had just come back from the town where we had lived together (completely true) and she said she was planning on possibly heading up in a few weeks for a huge event we had gone to together. I mentioned my favorite resturant and she reminded me of a time we had gone there together. I added a few details to the story. There was giggling. The only hiccup should have come when she mentioned she had been seeing someone new. I did not feel the sledgehammer to the gut or the stab of jealousy I expected. I've been seeing people too. We got off the phone a few minutes after that. I initiated it.

 

That should have been it. A great if not slightly premature start to reconnection. Except I was headed home and had to drive through her town...and I had told her. She ended up getting out of class early and meeting me at a taco place. Her idea. I chose the taco place because it is fast and loud. We didn't even make it inside. She looked like she was trying to hold it together lasted all of thirty seconds before she completely broke down.

 

She alternated between crying and telling me everything I had done wrong in the relationship and how horrible I was during it(80%) to absolutely bawling and telling me how happy she was with her life now (10%) to whimpering and asking me what I wanted/expected (5%) and making undecipherable whining and sniffling noises while wiping mascara on my passenger seat.(5%)

 

Some of the high/low lights:

 

"Ray cheated on Lisa! Jordan cheated on Halie! You cheated on me! I can't trust anyone!"

 

These are our mutual friends...who are all still/back together. I didn't kiss another girl. I had an 'emotional affair.' Which according to her yesterday is "almost as bad or worse!"

 

"You were my first serious boyfriend! You were the first boy I told I loved! You were the first boyfriend that ever met my dad...and the last!"

 

Her dad died while we were dating. I did not know the first thing or the last thing.

 

"You could have spilled a glass of water on me in the living room and I would have told you it was my fault!"

 

Huh?

 

"Everyone is telling me how foolish I was. What do you want? I don't have to sit here anymore! I don't have to make you feel better. You did this! You did this!"

 

I realize that A LOT of the problems in our relationship were my fault and if her friends are good friends they are telling her I'm an ******* because A: I was and B: That's what they're supposed to do. I did a lot of stupid things but I'm working on fixing it all for her or for someone else.

 

This went on for just shy of an hour. I took all of this in and let her vent. I didn't argue. I apologized once, when I absolutely felt horrible about something I had said about her dad during an argument. The third time she said she was getting out of the car and going home, she actually did.

 

I'm torn. I was doing a great job with no contact. I had seen her once when we were both drunk for two minutes and said four words to her. ("Haaaave...you met Julie?") I still love, love, love this girl to death and can see myself marrying her someday but we obviously need some time apart to work on ourselves and our issues.

 

Part of me wants to start a thread called "Sh*t my ex says" but another (bigger, more compssionate, mature) part of me is concerned about her.

 

My dad suggested that now that she had vented it would okay for her to start forgiving me. He also suggested that this would be a great time for me to offer a sincere apology. A friend said she was focusing on the negative to keep herself from missing me/us. I'm absolutely lost.

 

What just happened here? Is this love? Is this hate? What is going through her mind?...and since I still care about this girl, what do I do?

[edgeofdarkness]

nothing u do nothing., you leave it, yu do not repspond, you move on let her com to earth again, but leave it, move on dont react dont bite dont take the bait its best left alone, leave it all as it is, and turn teh page.

honest dude, really you try to do ne thing and u end up screwing it up ebven tighther,

 

let the dust settle and brush yrself off, and keep goin.

truley best thing u cd do. believe me.

[0hpenelope]

My dad suggested that now that she had vented it would okay for her to start forgiving me. He also suggested that this would be a great time for me to offer a sincere apology. A friend said she was focusing on the negative to keep herself from missing me/us. I'm absolutely lost.

 

What just happened here? Is this love? Is this hate? What is going through her mind?...and since I still care about this girl, what do I do?

 

I gotta say... everytime I read your posts, I think it's absolutely amazing that you find yourself still connecting with this girl. You're doing all of the right things - moving on, fixing yourself, taking an honest look at your problems - and most importantly, you stayed level-headed! That's amazing. I hope you're proud of yourself for all of the progress you made and, dare I say, I see you as a role model in healing.

 

Regarding the contact... you never faltered from NC and this girl still got in touch with you. I think that's promising. When she left, was it open-ended enough that you can get in touch with her? I was going to suggest that you let her get in touch with you, but well... if she just wanted to see you so she could get all of that stuff off her chest, then what else is there to do? Will she accept your apology? What are you thinking of doing?

 

NC is a tricky thing. Contact definitely needs to happen somewhere down the line if a reconciliation is possible, but is 6 weeks long enough for you? I want to say NC, but this girl just told you everything she was thinking... Do you have anything to say to her? The only thing I'd worry about is you bringing up getting back together with her too soon. Yes, you do need the time apart still! Doesn't mean you have to stop loving her or not see other people in the meantime.

 

Very happy for you. Good luck!

[NeNinja]

It actually ended pretty ugly. She went back to the cheating. I could be wrong and maybe it still (it ended in February!) is our major unresolved issue but I felt like she was looking for a reaction. (I would have gone with the 'new boyfriend.')

 

I fully expected to be back at square one this morning, feeling miserable and missing her. As strange as it sounds I was ready to be sad. Instead...

 

I was awesome. I realize that I have been doing things the 'right way.' I'm not denying how I feel. I'm dealing with how I feel. Sometimes progress is hard to see until you you compare it to someone elses.

 

She was fantastic on the phone. She might be able to convince other people and maybe herself that she's 'moved on' but really she just is/has been distracting herself and burying those emotions.

 

So I guess before I decide what I'm going to do/want to do I need to figure out where she was coming from. I've got a couple theories:

 

1. She was looking for closure. She wanted me to validate her feelings about how horrible I was and how horrible our relationship was so that she could finally, truly be over it. She wanted me to defend my position and argue/beg/plead so we could have that final fight.

 

2. She was spelling out the exact issues and moments that led to the end of our relationship. This would give me a list of things I need to apologize, make amends for, and change in order to 'set the table' for her to come back. She wanted me to show some regret so that she would know change is possible OR she wanted me to beg and plead so she could get back into a position of power.

 

3. She has been bothered by my 'level head' and was trying to out 'level head' me. When she couldn't keep her own emotions in check she started swinging to bring me down to where she is.

[0hpenelope]

It actually ended pretty ugly. She went back to the cheating. I could be wrong and maybe it still (it ended in February!) is our major unresolved issue but I felt like she was looking for a reaction. (I would have gone with the 'new boyfriend.')

 

I fully expected to be back at square one this morning, feeling miserable and missing her. As strange as it sounds I was ready to be sad. Instead...

 

I was awesome. I realize that I have been doing things the 'right way.' I'm not denying how I feel. I'm dealing with how I feel. Sometimes progress is hard to see until you you compare it to someone elses.

 

She was fantastic on the phone. She might be able to convince other people and maybe herself that she's 'moved on' but really she just is/has been distracting herself and burying those emotions.

 

So I guess before I decide what I'm going to do/want to do I need to figure out where she was coming from. I've got a couple theories:

 

1. She was looking for closure. She wanted me to validate her feelings about how horrible I was and how horrible our relationship was so that she could finally, truly be over it. She wanted me to defend my position and argue/beg/plead so we could have that final fight.

 

2. She was spelling out the exact issues and moments that led to the end of our relationship. This would give me a list of things I need to apologize, make amends for, and change in order to 'set the table' for her to come back. She wanted me to show some regret so that she would know change is possible OR she wanted me to beg and plead so she could get back into a position of power.

 

3. She has been bothered by my 'level head' and was trying to out 'level head' me. When she couldn't keep her own emotions in check she started swinging to bring me down to where she is.

 

NC it is. You've done what you could and how she deals with your mistakes is and always has been on her. Most who feel that their ex cheated on them consider that as a deal-breaker and there is absolutely nothing a reformed cheater can say or do to change their minds, no matter how much change has happened.

 

Her reaction towards you (it's going to be 1 freaking year for you! February? And you only started NC 6 weeks ago?) is a perfect example of what I don't want to be. I want to be over my own break-up too, so in the event that I'm confronted by that person from my past, I won't be a blubbering and emotional mess. I stopped fighting myself. When I feel like crying, I'll cry. Every step that I'm taking will lead me closer to letting go, which is exactly what I want.

 

You have a lot of compassion, too. You weren't gloating over your ex's display of emotion. You've owned up to your mistakes, you worked on them, and you're still a work-in-progress. You can't really do anything more than that.

 

"...You cheated on me! I can't trust anyone!"

 

She's trying, but if she's seeing someone and she told you this, then I'm inclined to believe she shouldn't be dating. My ex told me he thought I still had residual issues from my relationship before our relationship and I told him "If I had as big of trust issues as you assumed I did, why would I be dating you in the first place?" Nope. Absolutely convinced himself that I have trust issues from my previous ex. :rolleyes: Anyway, sorry for inserting my situation in the discussion.

 

It sounds like your ex is still too upset to really listen to your apology, you know what I mean? You can give her one and she'll hear it, but will she listen to you?

 

Again, congratulations on the progress of your healing!

[NeNinja]

As much as I would love to have the last word...No Contact, at least for a little while is probably for the best.

Edited January 29, 2011 by NeNinja

[NeNinja]

Her reaction towards you (it's going to be 1 freaking year for you! February? And you only started NC 6 weeks ago?) is a perfect example of what I don't want to be.

 

NOOOOOO. The cheating ended in February when I realized that that's what she considered it and that it was hurting her. We broke up six weeks ago, four days before NC started.

[heartshaped]

Just curious, but you admitted a lot of the problems in the relationship were indeed your fault, have you ever admitted to this/apologized for it all? Apologies, at times, go a long way especially when this is someone you still care deeply about.

[NeNinja]

Just curious, but you admitted a lot of the problems in the relationship were indeed your fault, have you ever admitted to this/apologized for it all? Apologies, at times, go a long way especially when this is someone you still care deeply about.

 

Yes and No. It's a long story and it depends on who you ask.

 

I was in touch with an ex-girlfriend, who I had had an amicable break with (she had moved 13 hours away), via Facebook and email. My ex-girlfriend came across them one day and was pretty upset. I agreed to severely limit contact with my previous ex and everything went well until one night this ex got drunk and called the other and started asking her questions about our relationship, if/when it ended, etc. It wasn't cool, but it also made me realize I had been having an emotional affair.

 

We ended up breaking up for a few days (I felt horrible and didn't think I deserved her.) during which she pursued me and promised to wait. She wrote me a really sweet letter that somehow mixed the Twilight Zone, Gilmore Girls, Rocket Ships, and Suspended Animation and we were back together. We had issues with distance and issues with my effort and every once in awhile the cheating would come up.

 

She would say "You've never even apologized for cheating on me!"

 

I would say "Tiger, I'm sorry."

 

And that was it until the next time.

 

So did I apologize for cheating? Yes, but probably not as well as I should or could have.

 

Have I apologized for the other issues leading to the breakup? No. I wanted to let her 'cool down,' I've been waiting for the right time, and a million other excuses I haven't made yet.

 

She hasn't come right out and said it but I think what it came down to in the end was a lack of appreciation. She didn't trust me and didn't feel like I appreciated her, what she had been through, or our relationship. I'll be the first to admit I took her for granted and assumed that she would always be there for me.

 

It really is true that you don't know what you've got until its gone.

Edited January 29, 2011 by NeNinja

[gator12]

I think you could have the opportunity to apologize for everything right now if you're still looking for it. But I will caution you, you cannot and I mean CANNOT take the blame for everything. If you do you are giving her all of the power again. I screwed up with my ex too and was the cause of most of the porblems in the relationship but even I know it wasn't all of them. So don't ever admit something is completely your fault, but apologize for hte things you know are, if you choose too that is. However if you want her back I dont know whether you should apologize now or later. I mean it could be that all she's looking for is an apology and then once she gets that she'll feel better. Who knows, only you probably know her that well. It's a judgement calll, but it is never too late to say you're sorry so you can always continue no contact, I dont know this is a very tricky situation you're in. I say don't let it slip away but at the same time don't let her gain the power over you again.

[NeNinja]

"I say don't let it slip away but at the same time don't let her gain the power over you again."

 

I think that letting her vent good.

 

I think keeping my head on straight while she cried her eyes out was better.

 

Now I just need to figure out what is best.

[Rudeman27]

Everything I have read says Apologize accept responcability for what you have done than tell her you need time to think and ask her not to contact you for awhile. It seems like you would want her to know that you know what the problems were and you are remorseful before NC, to get her thinking of you in a new light. Huh, I don't know it is so hard trying to figure all of this stuff out.

It seems to me that she still cares deeply for you, I think the space would be good for both of you. I'm pulling for you man...Good Luck

[betterdeal]

Have you worked out what it is that led you to getting emotionally involved with someone else when you were seeing this girl? And what is it about this girl that you don't like? Now don't tell me "nothing, she's perfect" because no-one is. If you are going to have a long term relationship with someone, you need to be able to accept that there are things about them that will annoy you, and either these are things you can work around, or you need to negotiate with them about. If it's something that really annoys you, it can be a deal breaker. If it's something that just annoys you a little, you can find ways to cope with it.

 

However, part of moving on is accepting there was or is something about her that you didn't like, or something about her that doesn't suit your character, and bare that in mind when entering into another relationship with someone (either her or someone else).

 

From what you've said, you don't appear to have given any feedback to her, and that's too bad. If you're in touch again (and you will be) tell her what you didn't like, and maybe you two can negotiate ways to deal with it next time.

 

Personally, I took all the blame for a difficult relationship, but after time and some counselling I've come to realise that we were both in it and contributed to the difficulties. Learning from your mistakes and letting them know what you consider to be there's if they ask is a good way to improve your life from now on.

[NeNinja]

Betterdeal,

 

The girl I got emotionally involved with was another ex-girlfriend. I jumped from a relationship with her into a relationship with this girl three weeks later. I broke up with her but I never really gave myself a chance to get over her. According to my (most recent) ex, I talked to her 'the way I had to beg you to talk to me.'

 

That's why I'm not pursuing any relationship with anyone right now. I don't want to make that same mistake twice.

 

And no, she wasn't perfect. There were no huge 'deal breaking' issues, but she was far from perfect . One thing that I've realized since we broke up is that she had a monopoly on my time. She liked to be in constant contact (texting and calling). She also had a lot of trust issues (from my cheating) and abandonment issues. I've been able to do a lot of traveling since the breakup and I've really enjoyed it.

 

Right now, I'm focusing on me. Right now, I honestly don't know what I would say if she said she wanted to try again. I would love to apologize and tell her that things could be different but when I say it I want to mean it.

[betterdeal]

Sounds pretty balanced to me, but you will have a much better time if you can discuss the things that annoy you with whoever you see next. I found books like "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" illuminating.

 

I'm much more my own man now, too. I don't feel guilty even though my ex thinks I am whenever we meet. Letting go of the past is so liberating!