Lil1 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Hi, I’m new to this site and would like to share my story with you all in the hopes of getting some good feedback. I apologize for the length of this post, but I hope you take the time to read it. I met my ex about two and a half years ago (in 2008) and even though I was reluctant to start a relationship with him at first (because he is four and a half years younger than me), once we became intimate (and I really thought it would just be a fling), we quickly became inseparable. We moved in together about 6 months after we met and things were awesome between us. The only thing is… I was the only one paying rent (and in the bay area it is not cheap!). He had lost his job about 2 weeks before we moved in together, but I was ok with paying rent by myself while he found another job. I’ve always been independent and paying rent was really not a big deal to me since I’ve been on my own for a while. A year passed and still he had not found a job. I had been working at a startup company that went belly up when the economy turned bad and was subsequently laid off. So we were just getting by on my unemployment checks for a while. In Oct. of 2009 my ex reconnected with his cousin who lives in Oregon and went to stay with him for a month to help him with his construction business. This was a good chance for him to earn money and also reconnect with his relatives out there (he doesn’t have a good relationship with his immediate family here – but that is a separate story). After a month he returned and said he felt ‘renewed’. Like he had finally found a family that he belonged to. We even talked about the possibility of moving to OR someday. Time went by and neither of us had been able to find a job, and my unemployment would soon run out. But even through all this financial hardship, our relationship was really good and genuine, and I loved spending every moment with him. We argued about money sometimes but not too often – you see, I hate money. I hate that it’s a source of arguments, I hate that we need it to live comfortably, I hate money! Anyway, I digress. So October 2010 rolls around and by then we had been having more arguments around money (not directly about money), but I was angry at the fact that he didn’t seem to care that I was the only one paying rent on an apartment that we both decided to get together. More than anything I felt like he was not putting in his equal share of responsibility in our relationship. I eventually started working at a new job and even though things were a little better financially, I saw that my ex was still not really making an effort to find a job. His cousin contacted him with a job opportunity, so my ex decided to once again head to OR. The problem is… he never came back! He told me that he was really happy in OR and loved his family there. He felt at peace and like OR was where he belonged. His plan was to earn enough money out there to get a place and eventually have me move out there with him and we could start over again in OR. He said he still loved me very much and even wanted to marry me and have a family together. I went along initially, trying to be supportive of the fact that he was in a place that he felt was good for him. The thing is, I eventually started to feel or realize that he had made all these decisions on his own. He never asked me if I wanted to move to OR, he just assumed that I would follow. Furthermore it took him until December to tell me that he was planning on staying for a while longer (after weeks of changing dates for his return). I felt that if he had truly cared and meant what he said about starting a family, then he would have made every effort to find a job here, be with me, and we BOTH could have saved money to move out there TOGETHER. I suddenly felt used and discarded. So I told him that if he had no intentions of coming back so we could do this together, then he could just forget about me and that I would NEVER move to OR. He had also left at the worst time of the year. I missed him so much at Thanksgiving, at Christmas, and at New Years. Even though OR is not far from him he never made the effort to come and see me (claiming that he had no money to purchase a train ticket – yet he was working!). I could not go because I had just started a new job and couldn’t get time off. Furthermore I felt like it was on him to make the effort since he was the one that did the leaving. We have been NC since New Years. So here I am now, in the apartment that we got together, still surrounded by all of the furniture and things we got to make this place our home. His clothes, his shoes, pictures, and even his car (which has a dead battery) are still here. So I know that he will have to come back to get all these things eventually. I feel so sad and lonely. I am trying my best to cope and to understand why even though the love was there it wasn’t enough for him to stay by my side. I counseled him through so many issues he had with his family and even experienced some of the craziness myself, and after all that, he just meets some distant relatives in OR who tell him they love him and he forgets about me. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? I’m somewhat of a loner and don’t let people in easily. But with him it was different, I had decided to turn a new leaf and I gave him so much of me emotionally – I opened up to him like no other and supported him through so much. I just feel so hurt and used, and I fear that it may take me a long time before I can trust again, but I don’t want to give up on love, and there can’t be true love without trust. Any thoughts?
Author Lil1 Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 LOL! I guess my post was just too long for people to read through it and give me some advice! --- Sigh----
lululucy Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 It seems like his immaturity showed clearly while you were living together -- he didn't get a job for a year? Even McDonalds hires, if he had really felt he had to get one he would've. To me, it sounds like he took your discussion of possibly one day moving to OR as the formation of a plan for the two of you so he didn't feel he had to ask you later. This must've been tough, I was single through the holidays too and it was no picnic. You'll find love again.
mickleb Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 LOL! I guess my post was just too long for people to read through it and give me some advice! --- Sigh---- Your post is way too long, love. Others don't need to know every detail that is important to you - just the main bits. They'll ask if they want more. Anyway, lulu's right: you're far more mature than him. He's flimsy. You're for real. Let him go chasing his rainbows. One day he'll realise they all fade away and he's left with nothing. I get what you're saying about money, cos I used to feel the same way. Which is why I suggest you have a deeper look at that - where has it come from and what it's stopping you from doing? I'm sorry you've had such a hard time of it, recently, though. Both finacially and emotionally. Anyway - it's all about you now. No Peter Pan, looking for fresh attention, to let you down again and again. What are you going to do to ensure your life is how you want it to be? (There's no point in sharing it for eternity with anyone before you've figured this out.) Take care. x
heartshaped Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 I feel like there is more to the story here. Could there have been another woman? In Oregon, is he staying with his family? Are they partially/fully supporting him? At any rate, I think you started off the relationship on the wrong foot with supporting him. I understand he was out of work, but still. It's not something I would recommend undertaking so early on in a relationship and eventually, it sounds like he took advantage of your kind hearted nature and now you are left hurt. NC sounds like the best thing from here on out to help yourself heal.
Author Lil1 Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 lululucy: To me, it sounds like he took your discussion of possibly one day moving to OR as the formation of a plan for the two of you so he didn't feel he had to ask you later. - I think that you are right lululucy, I also think that what his cousin was offering may have seemed like a better prospect for him. A chance to have a new family, a sense of belonging, and financial security. He woudlnt have to make the effort of looking for a job because his cousin was handing one to him. Everything would just be easier for him. I just feel terrible that he could leave everything we had so easily. mickleb: I get what you're saying about money, cos I used to feel the same way. Which is why I suggest you have a deeper look at that - where has it come from and what it's stopping you from doing? What are you going to do to ensure your life is how you want it to be? - I just hate that money is such an important part of our lives whether we want it to be or not. I'm not very materialistic and I wish sometimes that we could go back to the days when we were self sufficient growing our own food and such. Mickleb, I wish I knew what direction I want my life to head in. The best I can do is just live my life with integrity and keep the flame inside of me burning. Hopefully someday I will find what my purpose is. Right now I'm just trying to nurture my broken heart.
Author Lil1 Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 heartshaped: Could there have been another woman? In Oregon, is he staying with his family? Are they partially/fully supporting him? - Heartshaped, deep down I really dont feel like there is another woman. He is staying with his cousin who pretty much supports him. I think that my ex just recently (as of this month) started giving him $300 for rent, which is not very much considering I pay over a thousand a month for my rent. I really feel like he is just a happier person there. But we were also happy together, and I know he still loves me. I just cant believe that he was able to leave me so easily without a second thought. I felt like such a fool for the longest time. Friends and family just kept asking me when he was coming back. Now they all say I should have a yard sale and get rid of all his things that he left lol! I just feel like he pulled the rug unexpectedly from under me and left me to clean up the mess. This sucks so much.
durkadurka Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 It seems like his immaturity showed clearly while you were living together -- he didn't get a job for a year? Even McDonalds hires, if he had really felt he had to get one he would've. To me, it sounds like he took your discussion of possibly one day moving to OR as the formation of a plan for the two of you so he didn't feel he had to ask you later. This must've been tough, I was single through the holidays too and it was no picnic. You'll find love again. Sounds like he lost traction. My ex moved to Missouri, and left me behind. Like your ex, she didn't find a job (or atleast any fulfilling and meaningful job) and I had a hard time moving down to MO and leave my high paying job behind for something that might have not worked out and she'd end up moving again. I would also have had to quit school. The plans of moving down were discussed for a little while, then ultimately discarded. All I can say it, it's not easy, it's really hard, but that it will all eventually be okay. What they do is so self centered it's hard to believe that they were the people that we cared about.
2sunny Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 heartshaped: Could there have been another woman? In Oregon, is he staying with his family? Are they partially/fully supporting him? - Heartshaped, deep down I really dont feel like there is another woman. He is staying with his cousin who pretty much supports him. I think that my ex just recently (as of this month) started giving him $300 for rent, which is not very much considering I pay over a thousand a month for my rent. I really feel like he is just a happier person there. But we were also happy together, and I know he still loves me. I just cant believe that he was able to leave me so easily without a second thought. I felt like such a fool for the longest time. Friends and family just kept asking me when he was coming back. Now they all say I should have a yard sale and get rid of all his things that he left lol! I just feel like he pulled the rug unexpectedly from under me and left me to clean up the mess. This sucks so much. looks like he may have a pattern. you paid for him and now his cousin has been paying for him. he's a boy - not a man. he's not worth considering at all until he grows up - lives in the big world - with his big boy panties - and not only pays his way but shows with evidence that he can save and plan for a future. the way you participated didn't help - only hurt matters. men like to feel pride within themselves - you paying his way only made matters worse for his male ego... and set up an automatic mommy/child relationship where he resented you for providing... only to make him feel less than adequate. cut your losses and be glad he didn't milk you for more than he did. he did you a favor by moving. keep your distance now. move forward.
Tayla Posted January 28, 2011 Posted January 28, 2011 I didnt hear (read) the poster call it quits. Sounds like the puzzles (missing pieces) are coming front and center and this is an adjustment. May you find clarity in your own time. For now , know that we are here to help you thru whatever choice you make. You got my vote for being independent, that is a positive strength during this challenging matter
Author Lil1 Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 he's a boy - not a man. he's not worth considering at all until he grows up - lives in the big world - with his big boy panties - and not only pays his way but shows with evidence that he can save and plan for a future. the way you participated didn't help - only hurt matters. men like to feel pride within themselves - you paying his way only made matters worse for his male ego... and set up an automatic mommy/child relationship where he resented you for providing... only to make him feel less than adequate. 2Sunny you are so on point. I do think I enabled all of this, I guess I just really hoped that I was actually helping him become more independent - and he definitely talked a good game (in regards to our future and so on)! I agree now that he needs to grow up (and grow into his big boy panties - ), and I need to also accept responsibility for my role in this. It helps to see things from an unbiased perspective so thank you so much for your input!
Author Lil1 Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 I didnt hear (read) the poster call it quits. Sounds like the puzzles (missing pieces) are coming front and center and this is an adjustment. May you find clarity in your own time. For now , know that we are here to help you thru whatever choice you make. You got my vote for being independent, that is a positive strength during this challenging matter Thank you for your support, it is very much needed and appreciated. The fact that his things are still in my apartment (including his car!) do make me feel as though it's not quite over yet. I know I will eventually have to see and speak to him again. I actually called him two days ago to see when he would be able to come and get his things but he said he would call me back and hasnt contacted me yet. I feel like I am in limbo until everything about him is out of my life for good.
Author Lil1 Posted January 28, 2011 Author Posted January 28, 2011 I lost my first true love to a job in CA, sigh I'm so sorry to hear this JON. I read your post about how to get over your ex, and I couldnt agree with you more. I still need to return his things - or rather - he needs to come and get them. I dont feel like it's fair for me to have to pack up all his stuff and bring it to his parents but it looks like thats what I'm gonna have to do - although I don't know what to do about his car with the dead battery. I have reached out to friends that I lost contact with during my relationship (another mistake I realize now that I should not have done), and they have been supportive and forgiving. I also joined a gym and have vowed to get into shape and eat healthier. I go at least 4 times a week and it does make me feel much better. LS has also been a good source of support for me. Reading about other people's experiences has given me perspective and a sense that I am not alone in my struggles. I hope you are doing better now JON, and that you find someone who is deserving of your love! Thank you Everyone for your input and for your words of encouragement! I will survive, oh yes, I will survive !!!
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