dressing up Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Would you quit being platonic friends with a guy you have feelings for if you find that he's in a new relationship with someone else? Is it "acceptable" to want to stop seeing the guy friend because you can't deal with his new relationship?
welikeincrowds Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 If you have feelings for him, it wasn't a platonic friendship. You literally have nothing to lose by "leaving" him.
Author dressing up Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 If you have feelings for him, it wasn't a platonic friendship. You literally have nothing to lose by "leaving" him. I'm in two minds because I do value the friendship we have.
carhill Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 OP, length and extent of platonic friendship? As an example, I had a long-time (like ten+ years) platonic female friend and did things with her and her family and the reverse. We were truly mutually platonic and pretty involved in each other's lives for many years. Your situation?
Author dressing up Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 OP, length and extent of platonic friendship? As an example, I had a long-time (like ten+ years) platonic female friend and did things with her and her family and the reverse. We were truly mutually platonic and pretty involved in each other's lives for many years. Your situation? We've known each other a little less than a year. He's been there for me and every moment we spend together is a blast. We talk about everything under the sun and have a good laugh. I also have a lot of respect for his character. I haven't been able to express my feelings because I don't know how it would affect our friendship and I probably just procrastinate and now he's not available. Run or stay?
carhill Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 OP, my superficial analysis is that this man is apparently able to discern his own attraction style and implement it, evidenced by his current relationship achieved during the duration of your friendship. This means, had he been attracted to you, augmented by your vibe of availability, he would have approached you, presuming you were/are available for a relationship. Myself, I'd tell him that his budding relationship has inspired me to take some time alone to pursue similar relationships. I'd tell him I value his friendship and wish him well. I'm offering this because, apparently, even though you say you are good friends, your use of the word 'find' is key, as it indicates that this new relationship wasn't apparent in your discourse with him and I assume you haven't enjoyed contact with his new love interest to any extent, especially prior to the R becoming 'official'. Is this indication incorrect? For example, when my exW and I were dating, she 'ran me by' her old friends, both male and female, for their 'input'. They were aware of our budding romance long before we were an official 'item'. Your situation?
Author dressing up Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 OP, my superficial analysis is that this man is apparently able to discern his own attraction style and implement it, evidenced by his current relationship achieved during the duration of your friendship. This means, had he been attracted to you, augmented by your vibe of availability, he would have approached you, presuming you were/are available for a relationship. He probably was attracted, from what I felt and what I heard. I don't know what vibes I sent out but on hindsight now, probably that I wasn't available. But wouldn't he, if he had been interested, pursue more instead of running into the arms of someone else? I'm offering this because, apparently, even though you say you are good friends, your use of the word 'find' is key, as it indicates that this new relationship wasn't apparent in your discourse with him and I assume you haven't enjoyed contact with his new love interest to any extent, especially prior to the R becoming 'official'. Is this indication incorrect? He only offered the information after I probed about something (not meaning to dig for anything but the information came out as a by-product). A friend thinks he might have found me "difficult" to pursue (me being seemingly not interested) and checked out. It seems like from the replies here, it's "acceptable" that I at least take time out from this friendship?
carhill Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 I'd wait to accept more perspective, if offered, but my opinion at this time would be to take a break, not like a manifesto-type break, but merely a lessening of friendly intimacy and contact. Friendships aren't romances; there aren't the same expectations. I think that would be healthy. YMMV As a point of reference for the future, why do you feel you were sending out a vibe of unavailability?
Author dressing up Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 I'd wait to accept more perspective, if offered, but my opinion at this time would be to take a break, not like a manifesto-type break, but merely a lessening of friendly intimacy and contact. Friendships aren't romances; there aren't the same expectations. I think that would be healthy. YMMV Did you mean that I shouldn't "break up" the friendship because it's different from a romance? As a point of reference for the future, why do you feel you were sending out a vibe of unavailability? I sometimes only realized on hindsight some things that he said could be hints to something. But I never acted on them afterward. I just let it slide. But I wasn't sure if they were friends thing or something alluding to more. Everytime I suspect he could be hinting something, I always ask maybe that's a friend thing actually? Pathetic, I know.
zengirl Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Would you quit being platonic friends with a guy you have feelings for if you find that he's in a new relationship with someone else? Is it "acceptable" to want to stop seeing the guy friend because you can't deal with his new relationship? Completely acceptable. If I were romantically interested in a friend, we likely couldn't be friends any more. I might still speak to the person occasionally, of course, or keep them as, say, a FB friend. But I would find the friendship dishonest under those circumstances.
Author dressing up Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Completely acceptable. If I were romantically interested in a friend, we likely couldn't be friends any more. I might still speak to the person occasionally, of course, or keep them as, say, a FB friend. But I would find the friendship dishonest under those circumstances. Would you offer any explanation of sorts to your "disappearance?"
carhill Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Did you mean that I shouldn't "break up" the friendship because it's different from a romance? Zengirl explained the advised dynamic well, with: I might still speak to the person occasionally, of course, or keep them as, say, a FB friend. Had you been fairly intimate as platonic friends prior, a simple explanation, if he inquired as to your 'distance', could be that 'I feel it's inappropriate to have this kind of intimacy while you're in a relationship with someone else. I hope you understand'. If your friendship was more topical, simple lessening of contact would be appropriate, IMO, along the lines of what Zengirl suggested. I would counsel against a 'feelings talk' simply because I feel, as a friend, this would unduly burden him personally and within his current R. My experiences as an OM many years ago taught me some of these lessons. Certain things are best left unsaid.
zengirl Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Would you offer any explanation of sorts to your "disappearance?" As carhill says, it'd depend on the type of friend. If the guy asked, I would, regardless of the depth of the friendship (I'm an honest sort, though I'd likely do a 'light' version----'Well, you have a girlfriend, and it doesn't seem as appropriate to be around all the time' or something), but if he wasn't a very good friend*, I wouldn't mention it otherwise. *Maybe I didn't count on this possibility because I have trouble imagining having feelings for my close male friends because they're such close friends. It'd be weird to be friends with someone for 10 years and then SUDDENLY develop feelings. I guess it happens, but I've never experienced it.
Author dressing up Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 On more thought, quitting or distancing from a platonic friendship would still be like a breakup. The fact that things change (less interaction, not doing things that were usually done together) would mean a break of sorts. On a deeper lever, I think it's something I have to do to keep myself sane. But on another level, I'm saddened that our friendship has to get to such a place. No, I can't have my cake and eat it in this case. I'm just lamenting the demise of a good friendship.
dispatch3d Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 you've got to be kidding. We've known each other a little less than a year. He's been there for me and every moment we spend together is a blast. We talk about everything under the sun and have a good laugh. I also have a lot of respect for his character. I haven't been able to express my feelings because I don't know how it would affect our friendship and I probably just procrastinate and now he's not available. Run or stay? lol ok I believe you. Stay. And yeah you like him now that he has a girlfriend, but before when you figured girls aren't really into him anyways you were on the fence. Just be happy for another person would you . Ahhhh I am in a bad mood!
Author dressing up Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 Ahhhh I am in a bad mood! No, I guess I deserve that. lol ok I believe you. Stay. And yeah you like him now that he has a girlfriend, but before when you figured girls aren't really into him anyways you were on the fence. Just be happy for another person would you . No, it wasn't as much that I was on the fence at that time but me being passive and wanting to know more and think more before jumping him. Too slow, now I know.
whichwayisup Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Would you quit being platonic friends with a guy you have feelings for if you find that he's in a new relationship with someone else? Is it "acceptable" to want to stop seeing the guy friend because you can't deal with his new relationship? Yes, for a while until the feelings and emotional attachment went away, then I would come back and make the effort, try to build a friendship with the girlfriend too. It all depends on what you can handle and what you can't handle. If you are inlove with him and it's too painful for you to be around him, you can't wish him the best and your heart hurts to the point you can't pretend all is okay so he doesn't know what you're feeling inside, then walk away.
Author dressing up Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 I'm trying to walk away but he still contacts me. While I know it's best I stop contact, I feel mean shutting him out completely. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I really can't deal with any more contact but I don't want to go into a spiel of how I like him and now that he's in a relationship, I can't bring myself to see him again. I'm torn. Why is it so difficult?
sally4sara Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Would you quit being platonic friends with a guy you have feelings for if you find that he's in a new relationship with someone else? Is it "acceptable" to want to stop seeing the guy friend because you can't deal with his new relationship? You were never really their friend or you'd be happy they found a partner and relationship that makes them happy. You didn't value the friendship, you valued the chance of a romantic relationship you thought the "friendship" might afford you.
Author dressing up Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 You were never really their friend or you'd be happy they found a partner and relationship that makes them happy. You didn't value the friendship, you valued the chance of a romantic relationship you thought the "friendship" might afford you. I've realized that. Therefore this I'm trying to walk away but he still contacts me.
Cee Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I am over 40 so I can take the long view of friendship. There is no way of knowing how your story will end. Let him go and go your own way. Now we live in the days of Facebook and Google stalking. You won't lose him. When you are emotionally ready to reconnect, give him a holler. And see how it goes. One of my best friend's was someone I once was in love with. I had to let him go. He lived abroad for many years and we didn't live in the same city for 15 years. But when we both moved back to our home cities, we reconnected. He's like a brother to me now. And I am no longer in love with him. I love him as a friend. We met when we were in our 20s & now we are in our 40s. How fast does time go. Try to be patient. There are no answers for this issue, only "doing the next right thing."
Author dressing up Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 I am over 40 so I can take the long view of friendship. There is no way of knowing how your story will end. Let him go and go your own way. Now we live in the days of Facebook and Google stalking. You won't lose him. When you are emotionally ready to reconnect, give him a holler. And see how it goes. One of my best friend's was someone I once was in love with. I had to let him go. He lived abroad for many years and we didn't live in the same city for 15 years. But when we both moved back to our home cities, we reconnected. He's like a brother to me now. And I am no longer in love with him. I love him as a friend. We met when we were in our 20s & now we are in our 40s. How fast does time go. Try to be patient. There are no answers for this issue, only "doing the next right thing." Your story wouldn't be something too bad to have. I'm dying for the ability to finally "love him as a friend." My inability to do it now (some may say I'm not being a real friend to begin with) hurts me. This limbo isn't any fun. As I try to walk away from it all, hopefully able to meet again 15 years later to reconnect as friends, he pulls me back, not knowing why I'm hurting or pulling away. Perhaps I'm melodramatizing it all but I'm feeling a little sappy over this whole thing so bear with me.
spackle Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 would anyone 'go for it', I mean if he asks why she is giving him distance, come out and say she has more than friendly feelings for him? I mean he might have/had feelings for her but not felt a green light. I'm only saying this because a friend of mine after three years came out and said they loved me, I had NO idea. I mean zero, zilch no clue at all.
harmfulsweetz Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 You were never really their friend or you'd be happy they found a partner and relationship that makes them happy. You didn't value the friendship, you valued the chance of a romantic relationship you thought the "friendship" might afford you. This. I have a male friend (completely platonic) who is in love, I mean badly, with his best friend. She doesn't feel the same way at all, and has told him this, but still he tries. Everytime she dates someone new he calls her names, and starts arguments with her because of his jealousy and the very fact that he isn't over her. He says she's his best friend, but I say that ultimately, he's only friends with her when she's available to him, not when she has a guy on the go. That means to me that he's only interested when there's a remote chance. You see? I think in any case, things like this where feelings are one-sided, distance is always required. The more time you spend away from him, the less romantically you will view him. You know? I'd just sort of fade out for a while, until your feelings mellow, maybe tell him you have a lot of things to work through (I personally wouldn't offer more than that by way of explanation). Couple of months down the line, see how you feel.
sammyd Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Hi, I really feel for you in this situation. I think probably that you've made your mind up about putting distance between you and your friend. If he keeps contacting you, maybe you could just make out you're busy or something? It's going to be really hard whilst he still keeps contacting you, but you can either tell him your feelings, or you're going to have to just not contact him, and hope that he eases contact with time. Once you have got over your feelings maybe the friendship could be rekindled in time. I think it's completely acceptable you wanting to stop contact. At the end of the day it's going to make you feel bad when you see them together, and there's no need to torment yourself, it'll just make you unhappy. Hope u feel better about it soon. ((Hugs))
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