weeble78 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Hi I feel like I may be being childish and immature here, so I'd love an LS opinion or two thanks I moved in with my BF a month and a half ago, and he started a new job two weeks ago. We haven't been out on a date, and I don't speak to him until 8pm most nights, then go to bed at 10pm. At weekends he likes to chill in the house and smoke. We used to work for the same company and would spend time during the day emailing each other, and then we'd have lunch together. We'd finish at 5 and spend about 3 nights a week then the weekend together going out with friends, having fun etc. I feel like I'm whining saying this, but I miss my boyfriend like crazy. I feel like I've turned into housewife/flatmate #1. I make his lunch in the morning, I sort the house stuff out etc. I've tried asking for his email address but he says he's too busy to email and refuses to give it to me. He's also asked I don't text him during the day unless it's an emergency. I've also been a little bit concerned about his mobile as I could swear he has started becoming more protective over it - which I mentioned a week ago as in my last R (together 7 years, cheated on for 3 months, I walked) my ex was doing the same thing. I've joined a socialising network which organises nights out with groups of people, I spend all day with another guy at work emalining and going for lunch, I go out with my friends. Am I being childish feeling like our relationship has changed and I'm losing his attention and him making me feel special? I don't want to be one of those girlfriends saying give me attention give me attention!! Thanks for reading!
Author weeble78 Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 I would tell him I miss him, but he's the kind of guy who backs off if you say anything like that. The only thing that seems to work is if I go out lots and be too busy to see him, then he seems to wonder what I'm up to and start wanting to do things. I guess part of the problem is that I feel concerned he has doubts about us moving in together, and it has upset me, a LOT. He used to be the initiator for dates and we used to go all sorts of places - he hasn't suggested going out of the house in the month and a half we've been there. He likes smoking and playing video games, I like going out with friends or being active outdoors. We used to talk children and marriage, he has since snapped at me twice for both then apologised - saying he'll think about it in a few years' time (I said I wanted to think about another year or two). He commented on my sister and her fiancee the other day, saying he was amazed they still had loads to talk about after being together for so long - I feel we sometimes run out of conversation. We are so different in ideas and philosophies it's difficult to come together with opinions and things. He's criticised me since moving in togehter - for going to bed early, not drinking much - he made fun of me at xmas for being a stresshead (2 months ago I had a miscarriage and had him calling me irrational). Also the physical side has almost disappeared. Granted I have had a water infectioin the first 2 weeks of Jan, but we're usually quite tactile and now he seems to almost flinch if I'm touching him when we're on the sofa or whatever. He also now sleeps on the other side of the bed whereas we used to cuddle to sleep. I'd hate him to demand me to change all of the above and I'd feel pressured, and I'd think "jeez, just man up, get some balls, get busy with your own life" although if he did say that to me, I would make more of an effort. Sorry this is long - I really appreciate opinions as I am starting to wonder if we've done the wrong thing moving in.
depplover_1980 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 You must build some free time of your own so you don't have time to sit around thinking about it, get busy. Chances are he'll notice and start paying you more attention too!!
aerogurl87 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I would tell him I miss him, but he's the kind of guy who backs off if you say anything like that. The only thing that seems to work is if I go out lots and be too busy to see him, then he seems to wonder what I'm up to and start wanting to do things. I guess part of the problem is that I feel concerned he has doubts about us moving in together, and it has upset me, a LOT. He used to be the initiator for dates and we used to go all sorts of places - he hasn't suggested going out of the house in the month and a half we've been there. He likes smoking and playing video games, I like going out with friends or being active outdoors. We used to talk children and marriage, he has since snapped at me twice for both then apologised - saying he'll think about it in a few years' time (I said I wanted to think about another year or two). He commented on my sister and her fiancee the other day, saying he was amazed they still had loads to talk about after being together for so long - I feel we sometimes run out of conversation. We are so different in ideas and philosophies it's difficult to come together with opinions and things. He's criticised me since moving in togehter - for going to bed early, not drinking much - he made fun of me at xmas for being a stresshead (2 months ago I had a miscarriage and had him calling me irrational). Also the physical side has almost disappeared. Granted I have had a water infectioin the first 2 weeks of Jan, but we're usually quite tactile and now he seems to almost flinch if I'm touching him when we're on the sofa or whatever. He also now sleeps on the other side of the bed whereas we used to cuddle to sleep. I'd hate him to demand me to change all of the above and I'd feel pressured, and I'd think "jeez, just man up, get some balls, get busy with your own life" although if he did say that to me, I would make more of an effort. Sorry this is long - I really appreciate opinions as I am starting to wonder if we've done the wrong thing moving in. All the things I bolded are red flags. You need to think long and hard about whether or not you want to stay with him because more than likely things are only going to stay the same or get worse if you stay with him. Now think about it, do you really want to be with someone who calls you irrational for having a miscarriage? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a partner who puts you down and doesn't have similar values or ideals on life as yourself? And lastly, is this the type of guy you want to be a father to your children, someone who will set such an example of what a marriage and relationship is supposed to be like?
TouchedByViolet Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Sounds like he has removed himself emotionally from the relationship. I don't think you can do anything to change him. You are on a crash course.
Lauriebell82 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Why don't you ask him what's going on? Something like: "I've noticed lately that you have been acting different about our relationship and have not been treating me the same as you used to. What's going on?" And then see what he says. It may be doubts about living together, it may be something else. Communication is key here.
prettybaby Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Wait, so you had a miscarriage 2 months ago, but you're nowhere near to agreeing on starting a family? I don't know why that one detail caught my attention, but it seems like there's a whole background story that might clarify the current situation.
Kamille Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I would tell him I miss him, but he's the kind of guy who backs off if you say anything like that. It hurts to read something like that. How did you end up moving in with someone who seems so commitmentphobic? Still - as aerogurl has addressed the red flags, I'm going to try and offer a solution. You're now living together, which suggests a certain level of commitment. Moving in with someone is usually a big change and yes, I've experienced the "lost of romance" in past relationships. But there is a solution: Bring it back! You say he used to initiate dates. Maybe it's your turn. How about planning a night out, just the two of you? You can even commit to making romantic "us" time at least once a week. Also, plan nights of seduction. Buy lingerie, set the mood and let him know he turns you on. (The key is to get him the minute he sets foot through the door - before he plops in front of the tv). And as Laurie suggested: find ways to communicate about what concerns you.
Fee Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Sounds like he has a nice live-in maid situation and he's happy with the way things are. He doesn't want you to touch him and disrespects you to your face. He's an emotional abuser. http://abuse101.com/toxicmen.html Not fun. Learn from this and don't just start playing house with someone. Let them earn your time and affection. He has everything he wants from you and is giving you nothing in return.
Author weeble78 Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 Thanks everyone for all your responses - I'll try and answer all your questions.. I have recently joined a socialising network and started going out with new people as all my friends are settled with BFs/families and don't want to go out. I am studying for work and go out to friends houses about twice a week, so I do feel like I'm fairly independent and enjoy living my life. Let me address the red flags: we are quite different in some ways, but other ways we are very similar e.g. child raising ideas, work ethic, finances, socialising. I think these things are some of the important ones to agree on, and have been with somebody where all of these were different. The criticising happened quietly when we had an argument and I wanted him to come to bed and he didn't. I told him to get used to us being different, and he agreed. As for the miscarriage, I did behave a little irrationally, but I stand by the fact that I was distraught and told him that the way he behaved was not supportive, caring or kind. He apologised for that and told me he recognised where he went wrong. The flinching thing we discussed yesterday - he says I am too tactile and *embarrassment* touch him too often for his liking. He felt bad about saying and said he'd tried to be subtle - and reassured me in a very obvious way ha ha! I'm unsure of the emotionally removed bit - I'm not sure whether he is just adjusting to living together and is trying to find his own way of having his own space. Maybe that will materialise. When we talked he said he has no doubts about moving in - he asked me to progress 'us' and to move onto the next step. He says he's never had such a stable relationship and that he is excited every night he comes home to me, which he's never had before. I guess I can only believe him. Talking about starting a family, well we've talked about it but not in the next year or two. I want to get married first and he knows that. He wants to surprise me, but I'm going to let us settle down with the new house first, see how we get on and if we're still in love in another 6 months or year. The miscarriage happened due to illness and the pill failing, it was around the 5 week mark and a complete shock. I'd never wanted children before it happened, and it kind of shook my world and made me think about all the things I thought I never wanted. As for the commitmentphobia, I have thought maybe he has that issue, but I'm a little like that myself. I may have 'got around it' by pulling away for a few months once he freaked at me mentioning moving in first. Also the initiating dates thing, it sounds pathetic, but I don't like being turned down that I prefer to let him do the asking. He seems to prefer it this way too. Good suggestion on the lingerie etc - I will definitely take on board that one!! As for the last comment, I don't feel like a live-in maid really. I've been poorly one night and he cooked for me and wrapped me up in front of the tv and got me a hot water bottle. He bought me flowers last week for supporting him by doing so much in the last few weeks during the start of his new job. He can be a little thoughtless, but I don't feel like he's taking advantage - yet. I've stopped doing as much as I was last week and he is picking things up again.
Author weeble78 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Hey all, sorry this was so long - is there anyone else out there who can help with an opinion or advice?
edgeofdarkness Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 weierd, u come in asking fr advice, then when u get reallly consturctive replies, you elaberate and justify. Were telling u there r red flags. listen too us.... don't make the mistake of thinking its just a breeze flappin them. it may wel be the precurser to the tornado.
Author weeble78 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Well everyone's saying different things - how do I differentiate if he's an emotional abuser I should get away from or somebody I should spend more time romancing?
denise_xo Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Well everyone's saying different things - how do I differentiate if he's an emotional abuser I should get away from or somebody I should spend more time romancing? I'm not sure that's the dichotomy you should be analysing this with. Several posters have highlighted some red flags for you. In the end, YOU decide what you're comfortable living with and what your boundaries are. I agree with aerogurl and TBV. If nothing else, you sound incompatible in a long term perspective.
Jannah Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 These are major alarms: I've tried asking for his email address but he says he's too busy to email and refuses to give it to me. He's also asked I don't text him during the day unless it's an emergency. I've also been a little bit concerned about his mobile as I could swear he has started becoming more protective over it Combined with this: We used to talk children and marriage, he has since snapped at me twice for both then apologised - saying he'll think about it in a few years' time (I said I wanted to think about another year or two). He's criticised me since moving in togehter - for going to bed early, not drinking much - he made fun of me at xmas for being a stresshead (2 months ago I had a miscarriage and had him calling me irrational). Why aren't you permitted to have his email address and why aren't you allowed to text him during the day? Anyway, I would exit this relationship if I were in your shoes OP....
edgeofdarkness Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 and check this thred out.... what more do u need, huh?
denise_xo Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 It's just really early to be having all of these issues, too. After a month and a half of living together you should still be in the honey moon phase.
Author weeble78 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 Thank you for your reply. I have difficulties in general being able to intuit or understand other peoples' emotions and where they are coming from. Combined with what happened with my ex I am terrified of this happening again. You posting what you just have makes me scared and afraid I'm just getting caught up with somebody who is bad for me again. When I first met him Ididn't take any of his crap, and he told all his friends he'd met the right one as I 'handled him' with balls. That told me something about him. The thing is, I can keep battling, but would it always be like this? If I have weak points, is he always going to exploit them? Does that mean he doesn't truly love me for who I am?
edgeofdarkness Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Thank you for your reply. I have difficulties in general being able to intuit or understand other peoples' emotions and where they are coming from. Combined with what happened with my ex I am terrified of this happening again. You posting what you just have makes me scared and afraid I'm just getting caught up with somebody who is bad for me again. this is a bit like waving yr own red flags, isent it.? When I first met him Ididn't take any of his crap, and he told all his friends he'd met the right one as I 'handled him' with balls. That told me something about him. The thing is, I can keep battling, but would it always be like this? If I have weak points, is he always going to exploit them? Does that mean he doesn't truly love me for who I am? Point one, he admired you for having balls, and that told u sumthing about him. But his curent behavior shd tell you sumthing more. You scare him. he thinks yr better n more powerful than him, so his best form of defense is attack. if he cant b as good as u, hell beat u down to a treadable level. if he loved u as you are, why woud he try to beat you down? point 2., what you see as weak points ar just bits he is chisselling away at. your nort weak, he is. he is making u weaker by erroding at your selfesteem. no wonder your battling. yes, it will always b like this. and hes changing who u are, and hes changing u to sumone he doesent hv to respect.
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