luvflower Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 (edited) Hello all~ Brief background, then I've tried to make this as brief as possible. been w/my guy for about 2 yrs now.during first 6months things were cool, accept his compulsive calling like literally 10x/day while I was working a job that gave me little time to talk on a phone.we would see each other almost everydayafter the first 6-7months i wanted out of the relationship; he proposes marriage (to keep me i guess, but it seemed strange)I would need space and would request him to go to his place so i could have uninterrupted sleep;he resisted this and got upsetsince then fam& friends and emphasized the fact that we really are very different and that perhaps i should let him go.differences being: he has a young son whose mother brings drama, my guy has had brain trauma that is slightly (IMO) related to his disposition, i.e. weird responses and behavior in conversation (if anyone can relate pls share your experience). i say SLIGHTLY b/c he is sharp with some things in his life life work and routine, but in conversation about things that come up in our relationship he seems to play games to the point of making me want to let him go.Yes, it's my fault for not sticking to my word. I'm aware that I have work to do on myself regarding this...I let him go about 6 months ago while we were living together. I packed my things and left him. Got another job in another city and moved. He begged me back. I felt sorry him and missed him so i'm with him again. He moved to where I am and staying w/ me now. Splitting rent and all. ISSUE AT HAND: he was fired from previous job;his present job requires him to work more because it's contractual;he gets paid commission. this is where the problem lies...when he proposed, i gave him the ring back b/c i really felt like I was only hurting him and myself by not wanting to accept his proposal. I care for him and love him but i love myself more. I love myself too much to put up with his strange behavior and baby's mama drama. And if he is always confessing his love for me and wanting to be with me, why is he working these new hours and pretending as if it's ok to not discuss the long hours with me. and hanging up the phone when I want to discuss why he's working late (even though I know it's commission), but he has become rude to the point where i feel like he's trying to "punish" me for hurting him early on and even recently in our relationship. I don not accept rudeness as a form of love and do not plan on getting use to it, btw. he even told his family and his family thinks i don't love him as much as he loves me. I feel like right now I need to step out of the relationship for good. He may always be spiteful/strange,etc or am I just tripping? Edited January 23, 2011 by luvflower
xpaperxcutx Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 He's keeping you around to boss around. Whatever his issues are, you're not his mother or his blood relatives, hence you do not have the right to baby him; nor do you want the rights. Go NC right now.
muse08 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Sounds like he may have some need to control you...the previous post does have a valid point. Perhaps since other areas in his life are a bit chaotic... think about that...
Author luvflower Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 ...hence you do not have the right to baby him; nor do you want the rights. So true and thanks guys. I really don't want those rights... I'm curious though as to why you feel he wants to boss me around. What is motive for that? I really am quite bossy myself, so perhaps that's why...?
dreamingoftigers Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Look up co-dependency pronto. You got yourself a Co-dependent. Joined at the hip from the start, unable to give you space and now pissed and resentful. Check out the 12 steps for Co-dependents. Brain trauma or not, the fact that he has this resent etc. plus baby mama having a certain disposition and effect really points more and more to co-dependency. Plus the moodiness as well. What kind of dynamic do his parents have?
xpaperxcutx Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 So true and thanks guys. I really don't want those rights... I'm curious though as to why you feel he wants to boss me around. What is motive for that? I really am quite bossy myself, so perhaps that's why...? I mean he has a tendency to be controlling. When he doesn't have his way with you, he tends to punish you by taking away his affection or by becoming distant. When you don't budge, he tend to " crawl' back to you by being affectionate and sweet. Men like that are extremely manipulative. Hence why I say he likes to boss you around.
Author luvflower Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 What kind of dynamic do his parents have? thanks "dream"... his parents are no longer together. they divorced when he was younger. my guy witnessed his father fighting/throwing sort of stone at his mother's head. my guy flipped out and grabbed some sort of metal bar and started at his father to try and break up the fight. my guy's brother was diagnosed as being schizophrenic...if that means anything. and i will research co-dependency. thanks again
Author luvflower Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 I mean he has a tendency to be controlling. When he doesn't have his way with you, he tends to punish you by taking away his affection or by becoming distant. When you don't budge, he tend to " crawl' back to you by being affectionate and sweet. Men like that are extremely manipulative. Hence why I say he likes to boss you around. yea, i figured that's what you meant after i logged off the site. you're spot on about him >the push and pull<. i'm at the point now thought, where i'm really fed up. about a week ago i told him that he needs to leave by the end of the month due to his game playing and moodiness and IMO, disrespect.i've had to hang up on him because he kept trying to "discuss" too much, when i've been telling him this all along. thanks "xpaper"
muse08 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 This seems to happen more often than we realize, i.e. the need for control and the effort to get it by any means necessary. It's a bit silly and exhausting. Save yourself by distancing yourself from this guy. And plz keep us posted!
muse08 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 I'm reading the details again. If he's saying he loves you all the time and wanting to keep you in his life, his words are definitely not reflective of his actions...hence the title of this thread. Not sure why some men think this kind of game playing will make us women want them more...?? Menfolk, take note!
Author luvflower Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 So why do some men do that though when they're not in control?? That's a good point muse08,thnx.
Author luvflower Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 When you don't budge, he tend to " crawl' back to you by being affectionate and sweet. OMG...you must be very experienced with men like this. You're spot on... It's crazy b/c I have stopped worrying about what's wrong w/him and stopped calling him during the day as I was doing for the past few weeks. And what's crazy about that is that, he is the one who has complained since we first got together, about me not calling him as much as he called me and me not answering my phone when he calls. I never played any games, I'm just preoccupied when he calls and he has a job where he has more flexibility. Plus, I really enjoy my me time! I really do. He has come along and disturbed my peace. That's what makes me want to leave him more than anything...
muse08 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 He has come along and disturbed my peace. That's what makes me want to leave him more than anything... I love the fact that you mentioned him "disturbing your peace". It happens so often. You're doing fine then someone comes along and woos you, then it starts getting out of control somewhere. Not sure why some people feel the need to play games then come crawling back as if they are about to die if you don't give them your attention...It's really mind boggling. Co-dependency could be one reason. Also, just flat out stupidity lingers in my mind as well regarding this "game playing".hmmm, good thread topic!
xpaperxcutx Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 OMG...you must be very experienced with men like this. You're spot on... It's crazy b/c I have stopped worrying about what's wrong w/him and stopped calling him during the day as I was doing for the past few weeks. And what's crazy about that is that, he is the one who has complained since we first got together, about me not calling him as much as he called me and me not answering my phone when he calls. I never played any games, I'm just preoccupied when he calls and he has a job where he has more flexibility. Plus, I really enjoy my me time! I really do. He has come along and disturbed my peace. That's what makes me want to leave him more than anything... I'm going to agree with dreamingoftigers that you might have to look up codependency issues. I'm not experienced with men but I have dealt with men like this. They're extremely difficult to deal with and have a tendency to manipulate any situation into blaming others.
muse08 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 (edited) sorry for typos...but i wanted to say quickly b4 i leave out, I've had a guy just like him... co-dependency sounds about right. Edited January 26, 2011 by muse08
Author luvflower Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 thanks muse08. well everyone, i've told him to leave this morning... i started a thread about it in the "break up" section. i'm feeling pretty sad right now. it's a decision i made and i'm feeling bad...why?? i'm happy he has actually taken his things out of my apartment but i think this is really it and i'm feeling a void. he still has the key so i will ask for that back at some point or may just have the locks changed...not sure. any feedback is welcomed and requested actually! thnx guys
muse08 Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 IMO, at this point he probably feels like he has gotten the best of you by you being upset. Of course he really hasnt because you put "him" out. As mentioned before, he may try to find ways to get you to communicate with him and get you upset just to see if you really care or just to see you're going to stick by your word. I'll visit your new thread and repost, but add more... Best wishes hun!
Author luvflower Posted January 26, 2011 Author Posted January 26, 2011 you're probably right muse08. he may think he's gotten the best of me because i showed some emotion. i showed that i was upset. typically, i don't really show much emotion and this dude tries me repeatedly, this is one thing i know to be true. i know that by going about my business and standing by my word is key. and i do plan on doing that because i'm jus really fed up. i just want to be able to get him off my mind for a few hours at least and i want him to know that his behavior is not normal or acceptable by most people. as of now, he blames me for everything that goes wrong in our relationship...everything...which is insane! yep, i'm still a bit on edge over this situation...help!
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