Wandaland Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 After 4 years (2 years of dating, 2 years of marriage) of being together with him, I thought I knew him like the back of my hand. He was funny, charming, romantic, and smart. I knew what made him angry, I knew what made him cry and I knew what made him smile. When he would leave for work, I would count to 3 until he came back because I knew he would forget his wallet again. He had good morals, good values and he was always honest with me. I was so close to him and we were so happy together. All of that were the reasons why I trusted him. Who knew that he would go and cheat on me with some other girl?! I found out about this because that girl called him on his cellphone and I decided to answer it for him because he went out to buy something. I was extremely shocked and hurt when she told me that he was seeing her for 6 months. Apparently, he told her that he was single. Oh and get this, this chick described her "relationship" with him "70% sexual and 30% emotional". I hanged up and threw his cellphone at the wall. I was angry, confused, sobbing and my hands were shaking. I just didn't understand. Then he came home, he saw me and asked "what's wrong?". Oh I gave him a good answer. He apologized, but he said that he was planning to divorce me anyway because he was "bored" with me. I just couldn't believe he said that. I was in shock. I was telling myself that it was all a bad dream. But he kept going on and on about how our marriage sucks and that he didn't want to be with me anymore. No wonder he was acting a bit moody and distant towards me lately. Then, he asked me to leave, because he owns the apartment. So I packed my bags, and he didn't even seem to care that I was crying. This happened 2 weeks ago and I've been feeling miserable and depressed ever since. I don't know what to do. I'm still hoping that this is just a bad dream. A vividly bad dream that I could wake myself up from and promise myself that I'll never eat pork rinds before bed ever again. But sadly, that's not the case. He's filing for divorce. I've been crying myself to sleep every night, wondering what kind of sick experiment are the aliens trying to do that would cause them to kidnap my husband and replace him with such a horrible version of him. I'm just still in shock. I thought I knew him inside and out...but I guess I didn't. How is this possible? How well do you have to get to know a person before you choose him to love and marry and spend the rest of your life with? Just tell me how exactly!
Distant78 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 After 4 years (2 years of dating, 2 years of marriage) of being together with him, I thought I knew him like the back of my hand. He was funny, charming, romantic, and smart. I knew what made him angry, I knew what made him cry and I knew what made him smile. When he would leave for work, I would count to 3 until he came back because I knew he would forget his wallet again. He had good morals, good values and he was always honest with me. I was so close to him and we were so happy together. All of that were the reasons why I trusted him. Who knew that he would go and cheat on me with some other girl?! I found out about this because that girl called him on his cellphone and I decided to answer it for him because he went out to buy something. I was extremely shocked and hurt when she told me that he was seeing her for 6 months. Apparently, he told her that he was single. Oh and get this, this chick described her "relationship" with him "70% sexual and 30% emotional". I hanged up and threw his cellphone at the wall. I was angry, confused, sobbing and my hands were shaking. I just didn't understand. Then he came home, he saw me and asked "what's wrong?". Oh I gave him a good answer. He apologized, but he said that he was planning to divorce me anyway because he was "bored" with me. I just couldn't believe he said that. I was in shock. I was telling myself that it was all a bad dream. But he kept going on and on about how our marriage sucks and that he didn't want to be with me anymore. No wonder he was acting a bit moody and distant towards me lately. Then, he asked me to leave, because he owns the apartment. So I packed my bags, and he didn't even seem to care that I was crying. This happened 2 weeks ago and I've been feeling miserable and depressed ever since. I don't know what to do. I'm still hoping that this is just a bad dream. A vividly bad dream that I could wake myself up from and promise myself that I'll never eat pork rinds before bed ever again. But sadly, that's not the case. He's filing for divorce. I've been crying myself to sleep every night, wondering what kind of sick experiment are the aliens trying to do that would cause them to kidnap my husband and replace him with such a horrible version of him. I'm just still in shock. I thought I knew him inside and out...but I guess I didn't. How is this possible? How well do you have to get to know a person before you choose him to love and marry and spend the rest of your life with? Just tell me how exactly! Because that's how cheaters are. They will lie to you and blameshift in order to get the sex and attention from the other man/woman, at the expense of their marriage. He had the nerve to throw you out after he said that to you? He kicked you out to probably play around with the woman he's messing around with. I'm sorry you're going through this pain and I hope you will feel better. You should eat, sleep, work out and try not to focus so much on him. You might need to take some anti-depressants also. You never deserved this, and it's probably best that you guys divorce.
Author Wandaland Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 But it just doesn't make any sense! How can he be that kind of a person? I've spent 4 years with this guy and I made sure he wasn't a cheating jerk. He was loving and caring to me, he was a real sweetheart. I knew him so well, like I grew up with him or something. Now it's like he's a completely different person! I just don't understand this at all! How well do you have to get to know a person before you choose him to love and marry and spend the rest of your life with?
Lovelybird Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 You didn't see any signs from him? Or you probably CHOSE to enterpret him in a positive light even when his behavior showed otherwise, like so many women do
Billy_Boy Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Aww, Im sorry to hear this, he sounds kind of like a douchebag though. I feel for your pain
Distant78 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 But it just doesn't make any sense! How can he be that kind of a person? I've spent 4 years with this guy and I made sure he wasn't a cheating jerk. He was loving and caring to me, he was a real sweetheart. I knew him so well, like I grew up with him or something. Now it's like he's a completely different person! I just don't understand this at all! How well do you have to get to know a person before you choose him to love and marry and spend the rest of your life with? There's no way to predict every person's movement or behavior, no matter how much time you spend with that person. I thought I knew my ex-wife too. Thought I knew everything about her and thought she was never going to cheat. But she did and she changed into someone I didn't want to be around. Cheaters are like drug-addicts. They will do anything to get their fix and to keep the betrayed from finding out. It seems to me you're still in shock and I would suggest that you get some individual counseling. Again sorry this happened to you.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Time isn't a determinant of a person's morals, only their personalities are. And then there are the compulsive liars who won't admit they're wrong until they're caught. But this isn't about him, it's about you. How are YOU feeling? I suggest working on your priorities right now, especially since divorce is imminent. Does two years gaurantee any compensations or alimony? I suggest you look into that and drag his ass down in court if need be. If you have the time, money and energy to get back at him, do it. The emotional damage he's done on you, you'll repay him tenfold, and when all's well and done, you're going to walk out that courtroom or arbitration room a single woman. If you need to cry, I suggest you release all your tears and anger at a gym or on a run. Because at the end of the day, you'll still have to live with yourself ( and love yourself) even if you are no longer with him.
bentnotbroken Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 But it just doesn't make any sense! How can he be that kind of a person? I've spent 4 years with this guy and I made sure he wasn't a cheating jerk. He was loving and caring to me, he was a real sweetheart. I knew him so well, like I grew up with him or something. Now it's like he's a completely different person! I just don't understand this at all! How well do you have to get to know a person before you choose him to love and marry and spend the rest of your life with? Honey, they can hide it. Mr. Messy hid it for more than 20 years. It isn't you or your lack of knowledge....it is his never being truthful with himself about who he really was and what he was capable of doing. 1
Distant78 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Honey, they can hide it. Mr. Messy hid it for more than 20 years. It isn't you or your lack of knowledge....it is his never being truthful with himself about who he really was and what he was capable of doing. For over twenty-years? Oh my lord that's most of my life!
bentnotbroken Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 For over twenty-years? Oh my lord that's most of my life! He is diagnosed NPD. The things I thought were just lack of tact were in fact part of who he really was. But the old saying is hindsight is 20/20.
jlola Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I am so sorry to hear your story. I will tell you exactly why he did this. The 4 year mark is the time most relationships break up. why? Because many immature people are romance addicts. That means they get stuck in the infatuation "honeymoon stage" of a relationship and cannot move on to the next stage. Once the infatuation wears off they are bored and in search of the next person to give them the high. I suggest you learn the stages of a relationship. fisrt stage is fueled by natural chemicals which makes to very easy to feel happy,excited and in love. Please look up infatuation stage and honeymoon stage.
Distant78 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 He is diagnosed NPD. The things I thought were just lack of tact were in fact part of who he really was. But the old saying is hindsight is 20/20. Sorry to hear that.
bentnotbroken Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Sorry to hear that. I appreciate it. But we(the kids and I) have moved forward with gusto and things are going well for us. Look out world here we come.
Distant78 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I appreciate it. But we(the kids and I) have moved forward with gusto and things are going well for us. Look out world here we come. We'll welcome you with open arms!:laugh:
Lovelybird Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 When I meet painful situations, the first response would try to find where I did wrong, this gives me a sense of control of outside world and felt empowered by this mindset. But I guess sometimes life just throw you random things? It must be a big painful shock to you
alexandria35 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 He is diagnosed NPD. The things I thought were just lack of tact were in fact part of who he really was. But the old saying is hindsight is 20/20. See and as soon as I read the OP's description of events I thought that guy sounds personality disordered. His response saying he was going to divorce her anyway because he's bored of her..it's sounds so unfeeling and cold, spoken by someone who doesn't have any real feelings. And OP if he is a narcissist or sociopath it doesn't surprise me at all that he had you completely fooled into believing in his false persona. These people are truly gifted at sucking people in. Don't blame yourself and don't let this damage your self esteem or self worth. I know you are heartbroken and there is nothing anyone can say that will take away your pain right now, but trust me, one day you will look back at this and be glad that you didn't waste any more years on this guy. Focus on getting your life back and remember that your husbands actions were not about you. You absolutely did not deserve this. Don't worry too much right now about how you will ever be able to know or trust anyone again. At the moment it would probably be impossible for you to trust another man, but that's to be expected. Eventually you will heal and move on and when you do, your heart will open up again to a special someone. We can't ever think we know somebody 100% because the fact is, we never do. People will always surprise, sometimes in a good ways and sometimes in ways that are not so good. I figure the best we can do is find out as much as we can about a person by both their history and presently and then just decide if we are going to take that leap of faith or not.
Distant78 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 See and as soon as I read the OP's description of events I thought that guy sounds personality disordered. His response saying he was going to divorce her anyway because he's bored of her..it's sounds so unfeeling and cold, spoken by someone who doesn't have any real feelings. And OP if he is a narcissist or sociopath it doesn't surprise me at all that he had you completely fooled into believing in his false persona. These people are truly gifted at sucking people in. Don't blame yourself and don't let this damage your self esteem or self worth. I know you are heartbroken and there is nothing anyone can say that will take away your pain right now, but trust me, one day you will look back at this and be glad that you didn't waste any more years on this guy. Focus on getting your life back and remember that your husbands actions were not about you. You absolutely did not deserve this. Don't worry too much right now about how you will ever be able to know or trust anyone again. At the moment it would probably be impossible for you to trust another man, but that's to be expected. Eventually you will heal and move on and when you do, your heart will open up again to a special someone. We can't ever think we know somebody 100% because the fact is, we never do. People will always surprise, sometimes in a good ways and sometimes in ways that are not so good. I figure the best we can do is find out as much as we can about a person by both their history and presently and then just decide if we are going to take that leap of faith or not. Take heed to this post Wandaland.
What_Next Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 All I can say is I feel awful for you. Move on and get this waste of space out of your life. You deserve better.
jenifer1972 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Are you close with his parents? If so, I would tell everyone what he did! It is cold blooded and sociopathic
Author Wandaland Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 See and as soon as I read the OP's description of events I thought that guy sounds personality disordered. His response saying he was going to divorce her anyway because he's bored of her..it's sounds so unfeeling and cold, spoken by someone who doesn't have any real feelings. And OP if he is a narcissist or sociopath it doesn't surprise me at all that he had you completely fooled into believing in his false persona. These people are truly gifted at sucking people in. Don't blame yourself and don't let this damage your self esteem or self worth. I know you are heartbroken and there is nothing anyone can say that will take away your pain right now, but trust me, one day you will look back at this and be glad that you didn't waste any more years on this guy. Focus on getting your life back and remember that your husbands actions were not about you. You absolutely did not deserve this. Don't worry too much right now about how you will ever be able to know or trust anyone again. At the moment it would probably be impossible for you to trust another man, but that's to be expected. Eventually you will heal and move on and when you do, your heart will open up again to a special someone. We can't ever think we know somebody 100% because the fact is, we never do. People will always surprise, sometimes in a good ways and sometimes in ways that are not so good. I figure the best we can do is find out as much as we can about a person by both their history and presently and then just decide if we are going to take that leap of faith or not. It's so weird to think of him as a narcissist or sociopath. I mean, he was always a sensitive, mentally stable guy who knew what's right and wrong. I'm not saying he was a perfect guy, he definitely had this flaws like every human being on this earth, but I never thought he would treat me so harshly and kick me out like that. He just didn't seem like someone who could put up a front, he came from a big, loud, loving family and I saw how he interacted with them, he was like any other normal, real person. But I guess you're right, you can never really know a person 100%. Yesterday I went back to his apartment to get more of my things. I talked to him for the 1st time in 2 weeks and this time he was indifferent towards me, like he just didn't care. I kept telling him "I want the old you back, what's wrong with you, why are you doing this to me?" and he said that he was sorry, but that he's just not in love with me anymore. My heart shattered into a million pieces and I cried my eyes out. He tried holding me, but I pushed him away. I told him that he turned into a lying, cheating scum and that he needs professional help. I told him that I'm not gonna feel sorry for myself and that he's going to regret this! I took my things and left. And what makes it even worse is that he's still seeing that girl again!! This is the lowest point in my life. The pain in my heart is excruciating. I really hope that I'll be able to move on and get on with my life. But it's so hard. I just can't picture myself with anyone else. He was everything to me, we were gonna start a family. He was my lovable, bunny boo...how am I ever going to fall in love again? How am I ever going to trust someone again? Honestly, I need take a trip and go to Hawaii. I can't stand being here.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 It's so weird to think of him as a narcissist or sociopath. I mean, he was always a sensitive, mentally stable guy who knew what's right and wrong. I'm not saying he was a perfect guy, he definitely had this flaws like every human being on this earth, but I never thought he would treat me so harshly and kick me out like that. He just didn't seem like someone who could put up a front, he came from a big, loud, loving family and I saw how he interacted with them, he was like any other normal, real person. But I guess you're right, you can never really know a person 100%. Yesterday I went back to his apartment to get more of my things. I talked to him for the 1st time in 2 weeks and this time he was indifferent towards me, like he just didn't care. I kept telling him "I want the old you back, what's wrong with you, why are you doing this to me?" and he said that he was sorry, but that he's just not in love with me anymore. My heart shattered into a million pieces and I cried my eyes out. He tried holding me, but I pushed him away. I told him that he turned into a lying, cheating scum and that he needs professional help. I told him that I'm not gonna feel sorry for myself and that he's going to regret this! I took my things and left. And what makes it even worse is that he's still seeing that girl again!! This is the lowest point in my life. The pain in my heart is excruciating. I really hope that I'll be able to move on and get on with my life. But it's so hard. I just can't picture myself with anyone else. He was everything to me, we were gonna start a family. He was my lovable, bunny boo...how am I ever going to fall in love again? How am I ever going to trust someone again? Honestly, I need take a trip and go to Hawaii. I can't stand being here. First I want to say I am really sorry your going through this. I know exactly the pain you are feeling...except for him turning on you with the I'm not in love with you..which would be a little harder to deal with I think. He's probably in denial and shock at being caught at this point. I have a question though..have you told anyone about this? Like your family..especially his family??? This is a very important question..because by you outing him..it might make reality sink in a bit more to him! The way he's acting doesnt like you have.
jenifer1972 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Your story is frightening. How someone can make avow just two years ago, seem genuine and then you find this by accident, not even because you had suspicions.
Star727 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 There has got to be something better in your future. What he did was low down and dirty and after all that, do you really want him back? You will never be able to trust him again, the second he start acting distant, etc. you will assume he is cheating. You will be afraid to ever bring up your suspicions because you'll be afraid that he will want to break up again. That is no way to live. I don't care how much you love him. Things happen to people who do wrong. It might not be today or tomorrow. It can be when he thinks he's the most happiest and comfortable. Don't worry, he will get his one day. In the meantime, there is nothing you can do about your current situation except to live well. Go on about your business (job, activities with friends, church) - whatever else you were doing or wanted to do - do it. Don't make an attempt to find another husband or boyfriend. Forget about that for awhile. Just live your life really good. Do some things you've been wanting to do but just didnt do it. Take yourself on a vacation (cruise sounds good! or Vegas!) Just live well. You spent 4 years in a relationship that your partner didnt appreciate. I'll bet the next one will....
Author Wandaland Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 First I want to say I am really sorry your going through this. I know exactly the pain you are feeling...except for him turning on you with the I'm not in love with you..which would be a little harder to deal with I think. He's probably in denial and shock at being caught at this point. I have a question though..have you told anyone about this? Like your family..especially his family??? This is a very important question..because by you outing him..it might make reality sink in a bit more to him! The way he's acting doesnt like you have. I told my family. I spoke to his mom about it too. I'm close to his mother and she was shocked about this too. I heard his family members kept calling him and asking him what his deal was. He said that he shouldn't have cheated on me, but he has grown tired of me and was annoyed with every little thing I do. He was deciding whether he wanted to stay with me or be a single guy again (probably so that he can screw every girl he sees). But obviously he's choosing to be single and the divorce papers are just around the corner. Our families are disappointed in him, but he said that it's not his fault that he fell out of love with me. I just don't know who he is anymore. I thought I understood him more than anyone else, but I guess I was wrong. I remember the night he propose, our wedding day, and our honeymoon, and he would always tell me how much he love me and that he'd rather be alone if he can't have me. He was so genuine and I could tell that it came from his heart. I think he just gave up on me, he gave up on our marriage and didn't want to deal with the responsibilities.
Author Wandaland Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 Your story is frightening. How someone can make avow just two years ago, seem genuine and then you find this by accident, not even because you had suspicions. I know, how can someone go from "I love you, you make me feel alive again" to "I'm bored and annoyed by you" in such a short amount of time. I mean, yeah he was acting a bit cranky lately, but I thought that was normal and I never suspected that he would have an affair. It's just horrible.
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