AC06 Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Next weekend marks a year since I asked my ex to marry me. I've been NC for 20 days now, which is more than double the longest I haven't spoken to her for since we met over 2 years ago. The deal, just FYI, is that she got new friends and began to change dramatically between the girl I fell in love with and the girl she wants to be around her friends (a side of her I find extremely unlikeable) and this went on back and forth, she broke up with me, came back, bailed etc. etc. and now has a new boyfriend. Or an old boyfriend who is new again. I'm not certain. I still think about the amazing side of her, and the ****ty side of her, and I find it hard to differentiate my feelings. I love and hate her in equal measure, though I only hate the other side of her because of how much I loved her in the first place. She's become a narcissist over the past year, and I hate thinking I'll never get to see the side of her that loved me again. Basically, I've been heavily considering breaking NC via text to bring up the one year thing. I don't see what good can come from it. If the narcissistic side of her gets it, she won't give a **** and will probably reply with something cruel just because she can. If the good side of her gets it, well, I'll get something very nice back from someone I can no longer have. In the process, three long weeks of no contact will go down the drain. But I just feel like it'd make me happy just to hear off her. Should I text? And how do I deal with the mixed bag of emotions that is loving someone for who they are yet hating them for what they try to be?
Am4Real Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 Can I ask how old you both are and what was here response to you asking for here hand in marriage one year ago?
Author AC06 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 Can I ask how old you both are and what was here response to you asking for here hand in marriage one year ago? I am now a couple of months off 23, and she is a couple of months into being 21. And her answer was yes.
Am4Real Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) I am now a couple of months off 23, and she is a couple of months into being 21. And her answer was yes. Dear AC, By today’s standards (if there really are any), 23 and 21 is a pretty young age for marriage and 21, even more so for her. I’m betting she is realizing there is much to life she has not yet experienced rather than what is already past behind her or in the present day today. It means nothing against you, only that she is unsure of what she will miss if she commits “forever” with one man now at such a young age of 21. She is not the first of her kind to have second thoughts; the same goes for plenty of gentlemen. It’s time for you to broach a conversation about “life” with her and ask not for anything other than conversation so she may both “get out” what it is that lives within. Let her talk. It’s best for you not to say a word about how you are feeling since your feeling are insignificant to her actions. If you are lucky and patient, time and some party life may get the most of this out of her system, but time may be much longer than you’re willing to wait or be patient with. Nonetheless this is her timeline and you either let her talk on her terms or walk away…if you say anything critical, act needy or desperate, or ask too many questions she is likely to run like a rabbit and be gone forever, for the most part. Give it a try if you’re up to it and let us know how it goes. Just refrain from being too pushy. She is scared right now and needs not be reminded of the past – she is fully conscious of the times and love you both had or have under the covers, she just needs to figure out what she really wants. Her new friends are a distraction from reality for the time being. Best wishes, Am4Real p.s. I read your post after I wrote the piece above and realized you're in NO CONTACT now and have been for three weeks. I would wait for her to contact you before seeking conversation with her. It's likely she needs time away from you completely and when settled in her mind or place or whatever troubles she may contact you. When she does it will be your choice of what to do depending on the words she mentions. You may want to simply ask her if she would like to say anything to you that hasn't been said. Again it will need to be on her terms so continue NC for the time being. Sorry for the confusing post -- I need to do a better job of reading. Edited January 17, 2011 by Am4Real
Author AC06 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 p.s. I read your post after I wrote the piece above and realized you're in NO CONTACT now and have been for three weeks. I would wait for her to contact you before seeking conversation with her. It's likely she needs time away from you completely and when settled in her mind or place or whatever troubles she may contact you. When she does it will be your choice of what to do depending on the words she mentions. You may want to simply ask her if she would like to say anything to you that hasn't been said. Again it will need to be on her terms so continue NC for the time being. Sorry for the confusing post -- I need to do a better job of reading. Thanks for the advice. I know it's in my best interests to let her contact me (if she does) otherwise I'm letting her keep the upper hand and the right to dictate everything, and that's clearly something that never worked out for me. I still really want to contact her, though. She never really gave a reason, and I was left to figure it all out myself. And I dunno, I guess after three weeks NC I kind of want to know how I feel about her now. Or maybe I'm just hoping after time apart she'll not be acting like she hates me any more. Anyone able to talk me into/out of it?
Author AC06 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 Well... I made it through the weekend. It was incredibly difficult not to text her this week. And I think for the next few days, at the very least, it will still be very difficult. Half because I want to acknowledge/reminisce about the love we had, half because I just want to hear off her so bad. There's so many things I HATE about the person she is/is trying to be, but I continue to feel terrible because I miss the deeper side of her so much and am so miserable thinking I'll never hear off her again. I've reached day 26 of NC. Still miss her.
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