strangeways Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Well, after 4+ months since the split and 3 1/2 months NC from both sides (this is the first time she's contacted me) I got this at 1am this morning: Hi strangeways I don't know where to start, I'm so sorry I haven't been in touch all this time, I didn't know what to say or if you'd want to hear from me. Then I felt like I'd left it too long, which I have, and I'm appalled with myself for not having got in touch before. How are you? Not that I've got the right to ask that question anymore, I have been worried about you but didn't know if getting in touch would make things better or worse. I've still been thinking about what happened alot, and I'm still shocked at how I did but didn't see it coming, and was unable to be honest with myself. I'm sorry that I didn't know my own mind better - I thought I was self aware - but obviously not. And I'm not that honest a person either I've learnt, and I'm sorry that meant you got hurt and let down. Is everything ok with you and your boys? Tell me to sod off if you want. <ex's name> Very annoying timing, it's my sons 5th birthday today. Thoughts?
0hpenelope Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 (edited) Well, after 4+ months since the split and 3 1/2 months NC from both sides (this is the first time she's contacted me) I got this at 1am this morning: Very annoying timing, it's my sons 5th birthday today. Thoughts? Just a whole lot of :confused: What is the point of her e-mail? Concerned about you? She shouldn't have acted on that concern. Also, the last I checked? A break-up means the person is just done with the relationship and with the person he's/she's leaving behind. So what if she hasn't checked in that whole time? She forfeited her privilege to know what's up with your life. Give her what she wants (how the heck does she "know" you want to tell her to sod off?) Hey ex, Sod off. Edited January 15, 2011 by 0hpenelope
Author strangeways Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 (edited) Yeah. All seems a bit pointless to me. You know, round about Christmas I was a bit down that she hadn't tried to get in touch but now she has it's just like, whatever. Won't be replying, not even a Sod Off. Edited January 15, 2011 by strangeways
0hpenelope Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Yeah. All seems a bit pointless to me. You know, round about Christmas I was a bit down that she hadn't tried to get in touch but now she has it's just like, whatever. Won't be replying, not even a Sod Off. Is she just feeling guilty or something? Don't dumpers have the ultimate closure by getting to decide when the relationship will be over? What is going on with her? Yeah, the sod off part's such a joke. She's anticipating that you might do that to her, but you already know she left the ball in your court. She can turn around to tell her girlfriends all she wants about how she "took the high road," or "became the bigger person" by getting in touch with you, and you don't reciprocate by ignoring her. Will she make you look like a bad guy for ignoring her? Not that it really matters, but I'm just wondering about her intentions. Feel like sharing: I canceled my e-mail account that my ex knows. I do not expect to hear from him ever again and I feel bad for those who hear from the ghosts of the past. ... At the same time, I'm shown the possibility of my ex getting in touch with me at some point in the future and I really don't want that, too. Gah! Stay away from me.
Author strangeways Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 To be honest I don't give a s**t if she wants to paint me black to her friends about me not replying. Won't effect me. I very much doubt she'll even tell them she emailed. She isn't at all open with her friends. Very strange. Her intentions? Who knows but guilt is probably right. I treated her f**king well. Days just getting better. My 5 yo has just puked everywhere and it's his bday party later.
Guitarjeff Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 I don't see the point in not contacting her back. You just have to do it with no emotion at all. make her have to get the ball rolling again. Simply say "Hi xxxx All is well here, no need to feel guilty, the endng of relationships is part of life, we all go through it. I'm just living my life and keeping a good outlook and trying to keep moving forward. Hope you have been getting through alright, I think fond thoughts of you often. A late Merry Christmas and happy New year to you and your family. Signed
Graceful Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Yeah. All seems a bit pointless to me. You know, round about Christmas I was a bit down that she hadn't tried to get in touch but now she has it's just like, whatever. Won't be replying, not even a Sod Off. First, I hope your son rallies in time for his birthday celebration later today. Now for you ex's message ... This is just another example of one of those "word salads" that don't mean anything. The message you were waiting for, the message you wanted in order to know the dumper was thinking of you ... turns out to be a "whatever" "big whoop" ... and if anything, a big disappointment. YAWN. Couldn't agree more. I was yawning after the first paragraph, I can only imagine how you felt! She said nothing. Projecting on to you. She's worried about you? No she is not. She is worried that you really wrote her off even though she dumped you. She's appalled that she didn't write sooner? No she is not. She is disappointed that you didn't. I don't think there is an ounce of sincerity, let alone guilt, in her message. She asked for a break up, and you made a clean break. Uh, I'd call that a success story. My visual image is of her outside a window where you live, trying to see inside with her nose pressed against the window, but when you come near the window, she runs away. She's curious about your life. You're inside taking care of your son, keeping busy, getting on with things. Personally, I would have absolutely less than zero to say in return. I'm not into small talk and meaningless, empty messages, coming or going. So I don't participate in them. I just draw a blank. Glad to see you feel the same way.
Author strangeways Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 I've got no desire to have any dialogue with her, don't want her back or to ever see her again. I don't honestly believe she has any concern for my well being. All I read in this email is that the guilt has finally caught up with her. Not my problem. I dealt with the hurt and loss on my own. She can deal with the guilt in the same way as far as I'm concerned.
Author strangeways Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 First, I hope your son rallies in time for his birthday celebration later today. Now for you ex's message ... This is just another example of one of those "word salads" that don't mean anything. The message you were waiting for, the message you wanted in order to know the dumper was thinking of you ... turns out to be a "whatever" "big whoop" ... and if anything, a big disappointment. YAWN. Couldn't agree more. I was yawning after the first paragraph, I can only imagine how you felt! She said nothing. Projecting on to you. She's worried about you? No she is not. She is worried that you really wrote her off even though she dumped you. She's appalled that she didn't write sooner? No she is not. She is disappointed that you didn't. I don't think there is an ounce of sincerity, let alone guilt, in her message. She asked for a break up, and you made a clean break. Uh, I'd call that a success story. My visual image is of her outside a window where you live, trying to see inside with her nose pressed against the window, but when you come near the window, she runs away. She's curious about your life. You're inside taking care of your son, keeping busy, getting on with things. Personally, I would have absolutely less than zero to say in return. I'm not into small talk and meaningless, empty messages, coming or going. So I don't participate in them. I just draw a blank. Glad to see you feel the same way. Grace, absolutely right as ever. Probably doesn't even feel guilty.
bl22 Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Well at least you now have full confirmation that it wasnt anything you did, something you've probably been a little paranoid over the first month of the breakup. Guess they do end up feeling guilty eventually...however I havent heard anything from my ex as of yet, been broken up around 3 months now. Keep doing what your doing strangeways, good luck to you!
Author strangeways Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 Thanks bl22. To be honest I never did have doubts whether it ws something I did. I'm not perfect and I made mistakes but nothing that would warrant her doing a runner 3 days after we moved in together and basically disappearing without warning. Will just carry on as I am. Getting on with my life and moving forward.
LifeIsGreat Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 I sense a certain amount of guilt in her email, but it's funny she doesn't seem willing to do anything about it. Seems she understands she has some 'issues', but what is she doing about it? I'll tell you what, if you don't respond (which I would understand) I think it may make you appear angry. For a woman like that, you being angry in some weird way may confirm her decision to leave. Maybe she wants to see you're angry, I don't know. Although no reply may be good, maybe a simple 'it's OK, don't worry about it everything is great. take care' might be good for you. No mention of breaking up, your prior relationship with her, or anything else. Her seeing you moved on may be good for you, while she gets her 'what goes around comes around'. Thoughts?
Fern Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Not even guilty - curious. Maybe conflicted nd wondering if she made the right decision. Don't reply.
Author strangeways Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 (edited) I sense a certain amount of guilt in her email, but it's funny she doesn't seem willing to do anything about it. Seems she understands she has some 'issues', but what is she doing about it? I'll tell you what, if you don't respond (which I would understand) I think it may make you appear angry. For a woman like that, you being angry in some weird way may confirm her decision to leave. Maybe she wants to see you're angry, I don't know. Although no reply may be good, maybe a simple 'it's OK, don't worry about it everything is great. take care' might be good for you. No mention of breaking up, your prior relationship with her, or anything else. Her seeing you moved on may be good for you, while she gets her 'what goes around comes around'. Thoughts? Life, I take your point but at this time I really couldn't care less what she thinks. If she thinks I'm angry so be it. I'd agree, she does understand her issues (she's got many more than she mentions) well but she's always been the type to run away from things. Jobs, relationships, you name it she's run from it. Thought it would be different with me. My bad. Never again. Funny thing is I'm sort of glad she contacted me. I realise that I don't really feel anything about it. Maybe in a few days I will. But right now I feel disassociated from it all. Seems like a long time ago now. Edited January 15, 2011 by strangeways
WTRanger Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 It's a trap! These are the emails in CaliGuys' NC guide where you use extreme caution on. It's all about her, but vague as well. She didn't see it coming? She wasn't honest with herself? She wasn't aware of what was going on? Jesus! Was the she writing his email to you or her? This one doesn't deserve a response.
Author strangeways Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 @WT. I agree, I really doesn't warrant a response. It's not like she's saying anything I hadn't worked out for myself. As to a trap, presumably you mean that she just wants to see if I'll respond and I'm still hanging on for her. Hard to imagine she'd be that manipulative but I guess having been on LS for a while you see it all the time. If she is just waiting to see if I take the bait she'll be waiting for a very long time. @Fern. Yes curiosity more than anything probably but I very much doubt whether she's questioning her decision. Nothing in the email would lead me to think that.
pandagirl Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 She sounds like she feels awkward/embarrassed/guilty. I don't know the circumstances of your breakup, but depending on that, I'd just send back a short email, like: "I'm doing well. Kids are good. Hope you're well."
Ajax Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 I've still been thinking about what happened alot, and I'm still shocked at how I did but didn't see it coming, and was unable to be honest with myself. I'm sorry that I didn't know my own mind better - I thought I was self aware - but obviously not. And I'm not that honest a person either I've learnt, and I'm sorry that meant you got hurt and let down. It really all comes down to this I'm afraid. She has now "discovered" that she is not that honest a person. She is outright admiting to you that she's dishonest. She appologized for being dishonest and hurting you but didn't say she was sorry enough to change her ways. I do believe that people in this position do feel badly about their actions and feel as much fear and hostility towards themselves for being this way as they do towards their former lovers. But they don't have the motivation to change until something dramatic happens to them. Typically They'll just keep running from one self inflicted disaster to the next, leaving a trail of human wreckage in their wake. I actually think that if I were in your position though I would respond in a small way, but also wouldn't blame you if you didn't.
Author strangeways Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 She sounds like she feels awkward/embarrassed/guilty. I don't know the circumstances of your breakup, but depending on that, I'd just send back a short email, like: "I'm doing well. Kids are good. Hope you're well." Quick rundown: Together for 14 months Things going great (or so I thought) Met kids after 9 months. They all got on great. She wanted to move in together (i did too but she was pushing) Right up to last minute says how much she loves me wants kids with me eventually, marriage blah blah. Move in on a Friday, she says she cant do it (the R) on Tuesday. Leaves a few days after. I phoned her once after that and that was it. Wishy washy lots of "I love you but...", "I do want you but....". Even when she moved her stuff out she said "Don't take this as a sign" WTF. Made ME put an end to the wishy washiness. I wouldn't be surprised if there was someone else but I don't know for sure.
Author strangeways Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 (edited) I do believe that people in this position do feel badly about their actions and feel as much fear and hostility towards themselves for being this way as they do towards their former lovers. But they don't have the motivation to change until something dramatic happens to them. Typically They'll just keep running from one self inflicted disaster to the next, leaving a trail of human wreckage in their wake. That's pretty much her. Sad really (for her anyway). As to responding in a small way, I just wouldn't know what to say even if I was motivated to. I could forgive her I suppose (I have already) but what's the point. Maybe not saying anything will send her a message that you can't f**k around with people and expect everything to smell of roses. I don't know. I think the fact that she admits she's a dishonest person, not being self aware etc makes me realise that all the things she said about how she felt about me were, well....not true. Sad really (for me anyway). S**t, starting to feel angry. Must think calming thoughts. Wish she'd never emailed. Edited January 15, 2011 by strangeways
Fern Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 That's pretty much her. Sad really (for her anyway). As to responding in a small way, I just wouldn't know what to say even if I was motivated to. I could forgive her I suppose (I have already) but what's the point. Maybe not saying anything will send her a message that you can't f**k around with people and expect everything to smell of roses. I don't know. I think the fact that she admits she's a dishonest person, not being self aware etc makes me realise that all the things she said about how she felt about me were, well....not true. Sad really (for me anyway). S**t, starting to feel angry. Must think calming thoughts. Wish she'd never emailed. Delete it. Ignore it. She wants absolution for purely selfish reasons. You don't owe her anything. Let her feel guilty. Maybe she'll think twice before doing it to the next poor mug.
Author strangeways Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 Maybe she'll think twice before doing it to the next poor mug. Maybe, but I doubt it. She so burdened with emotional baggage I think she's pretty much incapable of being honest with herself or anyone else for that matter. I can't imagine what would have happened if I'd married and/or had kids with her. Makes me shudder just to think about it. Dodged a bullet, more like an H-Bomb
SimonSerenade Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 That seem's like a pointless email to me, More or less like she's feeling sorry for herself, I've had the odd pointless email of my ex too, Haven't replied of course and that's exactly what you should do. You've got yourself in a good mindset, Why ruin that now by emailing her back?, I'm betting as soon as you reply she'll feel she got some satisfaction in knowing you'll still talk to her. Stick to no contact, If she ever decides to send another and make it a lot more meaningful then by all means, You got the green light, But that kind of email don't count for nothing, Just be happy she's shown that she's made a mistake but until she gives in and tells you her intensions then it really isn't worth giving her anything to look at.
Author strangeways Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 (edited) More or less like she's feeling sorry for herself True dat. Hopefully this'll be the end of it and she'll get the message when she gets nothing back from me. Or maybe I'll reply in 3 1/2 months and tell her how appalled I am with myself for not getting in touch sooner LOL Edited January 15, 2011 by strangeways
Graceful Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 Quick rundown: Wishy washy lots of "I love you but...", "I do want you but....". Even when she moved her stuff out she said "Don't take this as a sign" WTF. Just had to tell you man, this had me howling! I feel I can tell you this b/c you are clear about who and what she is (she, on the other hand, sadly, is clueless) -- anyhow, this line had me shaking my head saying, nothing ceases to amaze me ... I think I did something comparable to this when I was about 16 years old ... Live and learn, that's what life is about. Hope you had a nice day yesterday.
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