Just dumped ... and he's dating less than a week later! Desperatly need perspective!

[Kansas]

I recently broke up with my 'boyfriend' of 2.5 years, for what I think is the final time ... but I need perspective. I know this is long, but please bare with me ...

 

He and I have been seeing each other for the last 2.5 years. He was never willing to commit to being in a relationship (for the first year we were both working through some things and trying to growing as individuals). We were VERY attracted to each other and had a VERY strong sexual chemistry/connection and a really strong friendship and talked all the time - leaned on each other. As time went on, obviously I wanted more from the relationship because I fell in love with him. We talked about dating (the whole hang in there, when I'm ready I'll date you) Thereafter, we would go through periods of not talking for 1-3 months and then we would text, talk and it would start up again, until we didn't speak again and the cycle went on. During our last non-talking period I started seeing someone else. During that time he re-connected with me and I told him I had a boyfriend. He was sad. We spoke occasionally as friends but I still followed through with my relationship (unfortunately it ended). During the entire time, the EX-of 2.5 years-non-committal-'boyfriend' suddenly started telling me he loved me, how things would be if we were together, calling me all the time, wanting to hang out, dropping by the house, etc. He did a complete 180. After my break up we started hanging out again (limiting the sex), lengthy 5-6 hour phone conversations (he was a big talker) etc. He seemed very interested, but still would not commit to anything further. He always said the same thing - "You know how I feel about you. There's so much between us. This is hard for me too. I'm not in a place to give you a relationship because I'm finally getting to a healthy place (this part is true) and I don't even know yet what I have to give within a relationship" This went on for a few months. We were friends (sleeping together only a couple of times because he was insisting on trying to be 'just friends') for a while but then things fell back into the gray zone where we were acting like a couple but were not together. We had a frank discussion about it. I told him I didn't want to be in a gray zone with anyone anymore, I deserved more, wanted a relationship and could not offer friendship because my feelings were too involved. He flat out told me that he was not in a place to see anyone, didn't know what he had to offer and that if I was then great - we would have to respect each others position if we were to remain in each others lives. "I'm not dating, I just want to get to a healthy place where I know what I have to offer". He also told me how not talking to me doesn't work because he needs me in his life and if we don't talk, we miss each other and the cycle begins again. We ended up having a really petty disagreement after this conversation and WHAM - I get an very curt email (no hello, no good-bye) telling me off for our disagreement, how disappointed he is that I didn't handle it better (I emailed him instead of calling him to talk about it) and that "he's saddened that it seems we can't be a healthy part of one anther's lives".

 

He sent me this email on New Year's eve and it's the last I've heard from him. I gave it 3 tries (that's my rule) and just left it alone. However, I have since found out that (1) LESS than 1 week after he sent me this email, he joined eharmoney and has started dating again ... right after he told me he can't date me because he doesn't know what he has to offer and (2) he's "committed to being in a long-term healthy relationship" ... his exact words - not uttered to me of course! WTF?

 

How do you guys see this? Was I his stepping stone all that time? Was he using me to get to a better place in his life? Is that why he wanted to just be friends in the end? Why tell me that he loves me? How can someone be so insensitive?

 

I'm just trying to understand this to get my own closure on the situation. I'm absolutely crushed ... advice?

[january2011]

He kept you hanging for 2.5 years. Got what he wanted but never gave you what you wanted, which was recognition as his girlfriend and that you two were in a relationship.

 

He has called it off now, but he wants to 'keep you in his life'. This suggests to me that he still wants to keep you hanging in case his other options don't work out.

 

The harsh reality is that this guy doesn't know what he wants but it's clear that right now, he doesn't want you. I'm really sorry.

 

In my opinion, you're doing the right thing by not chasing him. I suggest full NC (delete and block). You don't need friends like him. If he comes back to you, and I think the chances are high that he might (based on past performance), I suggest ignoring him. He didn't give you what you wanted for 2.5 years, I highly doubt he's going to have an epiphany that will make him change his mind and give you the respect and commitment that you deserve.

[Kansas]

Thank you for your honesty.

When we had our last "discussion" about being in the "gray zone" he got really pissed at me for wanting more - as if I was putting the mo-fo out for not wanting to take any of his **** and got super mad that I refused to offer him friendship. Our last fight was over a vehicle. Yes, a stupid car. And I know he had 1/2 of his dating profile complete by that point, so I think he was just wanting me to give him a reason - any reason to tell me to get lost. Thanks for the support - I needed.

[january2011]

Kansas, you can take back control...of yourself and your heart.

 

You can promise yourself that you will get through this and that you will not expend anymore energy on him. You will waste no more time on this man who does not deserve you.

 

You can tell him to get lost by going NC. The silence will deafening.

 

During those 2.5 years, what did he hold you back from doing? Add those to the things that you are going to do now that you don't have to put up with him and his "grey zone" anymore.

 

If you need to get upset, it's best to let go and just let the emotions do what they will. If you need to vent, do come back to post. You may have already found that reading other people's stories helps you feel less like you're going through this on your own.

 

It will be hardgoing at first, but moment by moment, things will get better. I can promise you that it will get better.

[Kansas]

It has been really helpful reading other peoples stories. I don't feel so alone in this and it helps to know that others have gone through what I am going through now.

 

However, doesn't no contact have to be instigated by the dumper??? In this case its kind of pointless, cuz I'm the one who got dumped ... I did block his phone number - more for myself. It sounds crazy, but I don't want to jump when I hear the phone. I just want to know its only one of my friends who are calling.

[january2011]

However, doesn't no contact have to be instigated by the dumper??? In this case its kind of pointless, cuz I'm the one who got dumped ... I did block his phone number - more for myself. It sounds crazy, but I don't want to jump when I hear the phone. I just want to know its only one of my friends who are calling.

 

Nope. One way of reclaiming your power as a dumpee is to initiate NC. You don't even have to tell him. Just do it. More information can be found in this thread:

 

Caliguy's No Contact Guide