timchambo Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 (edited) *if someone can change the title that would be great. was supposed to read "girl left me after 7 years. help me understand" brief background: me and my girl are a few years apart, me being older. she is now entering her mid 20s I am in my mid 20s. We had been together 7-8 years. Engaged for the last 2. I have a stable job, she never had. I supported her financially for the last 4 years while she took the opportunity to pursue various career opportunities. She left me about 3 weeks ago. Saying she needed space. She needed to see life on her own, without being taken care of...so she moved home with her parents. She tells me shes still in love with me and I am the only man for her. We had been planning a wedding and looking at houses over the last 2 months, though due to her lack of any sort of income we needed to wait until she was working again to finalize any plans. So this came completely out of the blue. She recently took a job (wont get specific) that kept her away for the majority of the days. It ran about a month. This job also requires a lot of social networking. Over the course of the first week of the breakup she continued to tell me she was in love and I was the only one for her. Being so out of the blue I started to get curious and started looking at phone bills. Within the first couple days of her being back home I found she had been talking to what turned out to be a guy she had been working with for a couple hours in the middle of the night. That was all I needed to see to know what was really going on. To add even more credibility to it all, a reliable source called me to tell me she was having fun talking to this guy. At this point I called her on it. She was speechless at first then said they were just comforting each other as they both had just ended long relationships. Within a couple days now she calls and just says "im just not in love with you anymore" and to move on. She continues to talk to this guy to this day. I think she sees him as more exciting match for her right now and a great opportunity to really dig into the career she is trying to get into. First I already know I would never take her back. She lied, cheated, and seemingly used me for support while she kept her options open. I get the impression everything she has said is a means to justify her actions, and to save face. I guess aside from therapeutic reasons I am writing this to get an understanding of what happened. Her actions certainly wouldn't suggest she fell out of love anymore than maybe this last month she was working. I am almost certain based on certain almost instinctual things she would do that she was in love right up till she started her new job. We also had a great, happy, fun relationship. Traveled a bunch, families liked each other, friends loved our relationship. Anyone think she will regret walking away from this relationship at some point? Any chance that if this guy wasn't in the picture she would realize she did truly still love me? Edited January 12, 2011 by timchambo cleanup
Amira4210 Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 This sounds really painful and unfair, but you know what, I think what happened is that you two had been together for so long and at ages where you were changing so much. She probably at one point felt "wow I've been with one man for so long, I don't even know what others may be like." I'm not saying that justifies or even explains why she had left but I think it is part of the reason why many people decide to end long term relationships- they feel that they "fell out of love" or they shouldn't be tied down to just one person.......I'm sorry. Sounds like this new guy is just something new and exciting.....for now. But once those lustfull feelings fade for her, she will realize what she missed out on. hang in there.
Author timchambo Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 anyone else? a bit more perspective would be nice.
SophiaL Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Hey Tim, I think she will regret what she did, and at some point will contact you and ask for a second chance. And I think, you should focus on moving on, try to stop over analysing things and forgive her. Make peace with yourself, you sound like a very nice person... so try to move on with life. My situation is that I'm struggling with a break up (had been with my ex for 7 years) and I'm finding hard to move on, I guess when you spend many years with a person, this person becomes a part of you and is hard to let it go...but, at the end of the day...you did your best and you can only hope for something better to come your way!Stay strong...
Author timchambo Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Maybe I am just hard wired to analyse things like this. I just cant understand why should would leave. What we had was so good according to everyone I talk to (mutual friends, family, strangers). And I know she knows how much I have done for her. Just makes me feel like shes mentally unstable or something. I am still going through these waves of emotion. Seems to be the whole cycle on a daily basis. It may be getting a little better. Hopefully I am healed soon.
TheGrimSweeper Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Maybe I am just hard wired to analyse things like this. I just cant understand why should would leave. What we had was so good according to everyone I talk to (mutual friends, family, strangers). And I know she knows how much I have done for her. Just makes me feel like shes mentally unstable or something. I am still going through these waves of emotion. Seems to be the whole cycle on a daily basis. It may be getting a little better. Hopefully I am healed soon. Going to take a long time, but just back off and dont contact her. Sounds like shes been with you for so long she just needs to see what else is out there, for some reason women tend do do this all the time, my ex just did it to me after 2 years. I wouldn't surprise me if she did come back a few months down the line but dont get your hopes up either, treat it like its over for good.
mridul_chajilee Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Bro my gf left me after 11years.so its common and everything wil be ok in time.i knw ur situation.But never ask for any excuse.Just follow NC guide and im sure 1day she wil contact u.Girls are pecuiliar creature even God dont knw their mind as decribed in Hindu mythology.Girls want always a better security system.so be patient and keep silent until her nxt contact,as im obeying NC for 11month now.Last week my frnd saw my ex gf and told me dat she have lost her weight.hehehehe....gud luck.Everything wil be fine in time.
Author timchambo Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 Well feeling the need to vent again today. I find it hard to get past the idea I may have done something wrong. I know I did my best though. I think it's just the new crowd she is running with. Just can't get past how one day we are best friends and the next I am alone and she doesn't have any interest in me. She says she's just talking to this guy along with others, but I know this one is her main interest now. She thinks she's done nothing wrong either. I wonder if she truly feels that way inside. I don't see any way her new fling will last. I'm sure when this one is done her pride would never allow her to admit her wrong doing either. Grrrrr what a piece of S she turned to be.
theRealist Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) "Woman's love is fickle Unreliable, deceitful" -Schiller I am actually going through the same thing as you, she broke up with me right before thanksgiving, she met and fell in love with another guy she worked with. I was devastated, because there was no warning whatsoever, we even made love a week prior, loved each-other, etc etc so It didn't even seem real when it happened. We were together for four years and it was practically a perfect relationship. She was my best-friend and it felt great to know someone cared to see if you made it home safe and then it was over like a dream. I think in our case, our girlfriend's didn't feel that "spark" anymore and when it happened somewhere else they decided to pursue it rather than focus on the current relationship or communicate about it. It happens to the best of us. The best bet is just to move on, i know its hard, but theres no point in worrying about a girl that could throw away a loving relationship on a whim. Don't contact her and eventually she will contact you, but don't fall prey and get back together with her, its over. Focus more on bettering yourself and use this for a lesson on life. If you ever meet a woman who has a b/f that is constantly complaining about him, don't pursue her for she will do the same to you a few years down the line. Good luck, time will make things better. I still think about my exgirlfriend, but everyday gets a little better and hopefully just an afterthought someday. Edited January 17, 2011 by theRealist
Author timchambo Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 I wonder if that "spark" is strictly a woman thing? I loved this girl to death but the spark/butterflies went away a long time ago. I know I was still in love with her though. It went from almost an anxious spark to an extreme comfort. It just felt so right. I really don't think there was anything wrong with our relationship. She never even seemed unhappy. Rarely any arguments. When we did, they were justified. We would work through them just as any other couple. This guy must just be Mr. Right I guess. Even all her friends were questioning her move (I spoke with them at the time) as we appeared to have such a good thing. Things feel OK today so far. My weakness starts when I get home from work though. crossing fingers I feel better today. Were you guys together since a young age too?
GreenPolicy Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I wonder if that "spark" is strictly a woman thing? I loved this girl to death but the spark/butterflies went away a long time ago. I know I was still in love with her though. It went from almost an anxious spark to an extreme comfort. It just felt so right. Romantic love in the honeymoon stage never lasts, no matter what. And the honeymoon stage where you have the butterflies lasts anywhere from 2 months to 2 years, depending on the relationship. Most relationships end when the honeymoon stage ends. Those that continue evolve into committed love. Romance and passion can't be sustained 100 percent of the time and every relationship has ruts where it's boring. You can't have passion and romance at all times when there are work and family routines. But I think emotionally mature people understand that and make time for romance. I think some people are serial daters that only want to experience the honeymoon and don't have the stomach for committed love. If your girl was in her mid-twenties and you guys were high school sweethearts, it doesn't justify her lining up another relationship before leaving the one she had, but it sounds like she wasn't ready to settle down.
Author timchambo Posted February 4, 2011 Author Posted February 4, 2011 If your girl was in her mid-twenties and you guys were high school sweethearts, it doesn't justify her lining up another relationship before leaving the one she had, but it sounds like she wasn't ready to settle down. Well actually we were engaged. She was actually applying the pressure for it to happen a bit too. Due to finances, we didn't set a date. I was so emotional when I did propose I was in tears. It's still one of the happiest moments of my life (WAY TO RUIN IT BITCH). We were even planning a wedding around end of Nov., beginning of Dec. From what I have learned since the split, she was a bit of a flirt. More so than I may have realized. She was always so engaging to all people (men and women) that I never thought much of it. Just innocent stuff honestly. But I have been made aware of situations where she was emotionally cheating in the past. Fairly distant past, but non-the-less it happened. That is just her character apparently, and I deserve WAY better after all I had done for her.
NoEnd_Mary Posted April 2, 2011 Posted April 2, 2011 I am 100% sure she's gonna regret it. It just seems that she got so used the comfort you provided and started to take you for granted. The same thing happened to me. I was too sweet to him towards the end. I learned now that I need to be a b*tch. It's sad but ppl seem to want to be treated bad. When you treat ppl too nice, they walk all over you. This goes for life in general - family, work, friends. I've put a stop to this and started butching up and I am noticing that I get a lot more respect that way. Anyway, you seem so nice and sweet, she will definitely regret how things happened as she will not find that again ever in her life with the karma she's created. This guy she's with is just a jump-off and he's gonna leave her just like how he persuaded her to leave you. It takes time and mistakes for ppl to realize that they lost a good thing. If she is as selfish as you described, it's a good thing that you ended up not marrying her anyway. If she can turn her back like this, imagine what she can do in a marriage. That sh$t will hurt much more. I know you are trying to make sense of everything right now but I really think that this breakup didn't come out of the blue. I suspect she's had something going with this guy for a while before the end of ur rel. The reason is bc I was in that same boat. I ignored my gut instincts when I noticed peculiar behavior and 9 mos after my breakup, my ex confessed that he cheated. You see, ppl don't just leave a good thing like that, so something has been brewing. She prob worked on exiting out of the rel emotionally for some time now without you knowing. I know this is extremely painful to hear but the earlier you come to terms with the truth and who she really is, the easier it will be for you to heal and move on. You have to go NC at this point to protect your heart b/c she might try to come back for some "comfort" and feed you breadcrumbs that will make you feel worse! Don't feel bad you gave it your all, you were a good person and you will get rewarded.
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