what are the chances he will leave her?

[miranda3379]

First time poster- never thought I'd find myself in this situation but I made decisions that led me to this point and I take responsiblity for my situation. My MM has been married 16 years. his first affair was 12 years ago and his wife never knew. He says he hasn't done anything until now. He and his wife get along but he says they are more like roommates. No kids except for a stepchild (that is another source of trouble between them because he does not get along with his stepson and the stepson is in prison right now in part because of HIS testimony. He claims it is the best thing for him. We actually briefly met 9 years ago (I was dating a coworker of his) but we never really said more than hi. He found me on facebook and asked if I was still with the guy from 9 years ago. We started talking and ended up flirting and it was on from there. I did not know he was married at first. But as the flirting became sexual I did some checking and found that he was married. I had just gotten out a bad relationship that ended in a restraining order and I had very low self esteem and MM's emails and flirting made me feel really good.

 

THe first time we saw eachother we had sex and it was AMAZING. We had already developed a little bit of a bond by this time so that helped. Plus we had a whole month of flirting foreplay. I know what I did (and am doing is wrong) but I don't want to stop. MM and I have so much in common, have the same sense of humor. It is like we found our soulmate. I know that sounds crazy but we found in eachother what each of us was missing and craving. Its not just about sex (we have a great sex life) but we also have so much more. I think he was just starving for love and affection and someone to make him feel alive again. He is SO good to me. He will do anything for me. After only a month he said he hates sneaking around and he wants to leave his wife. We discussed what would happen if he does (living situations etc) He spent Christmas with me (I have no idea how he got away with that) and ever since he just talks non stop about our plans to be together. He says he was in love with the girl from the affair from 12 years ago and always held onto the hope that she would come back to him (she's married now too) and when he met me all of that went away. That he's never loved anyone as much as me, never fell this quickly, never felt so alive and happy. We just click. We appreciate eachother so much and I've never had that with anyone.

 

Now, I'm not a dummy. I know he's probably feeding me lines and that he's hurting his wife so he may do that to me in the future. He claims he's trying to distance himself from his wife in an effort to leave. He says he won't have sex with her (he says she normally doesn't initiate anything so he's just not intiated anything) that they dont sleep in the same bed (happened before I came along) that this year she told him she didn't want them to buy and exchange christmas gifts. He also found her looking up apartments. So maybe she is on her way out? I have no idea. he says he doesn't think she would do that. He has told me several times that he will just go home and tell her its over if that is what I want. He doesnt' know if he should end things quickly and tell her he's in love with someone else or if it should be gradual and just let her drift away and then tell her its just not working out. He doesn't want to hurt her or devastate her. (of course if that was the case he wouldnt' be doing what he's doing with me)

 

Hes 11 years older than me and I've never been married so I can't (and its not my place) give him advice about what he should do. I know he wants to be with me, All of his actions indicate this. Should I suggest that he just end things or wait it out? I want what is best for him but dont' want him to string me along. I know the chances of him actually leaving are slim. But he genuinely seems to want to start a life with me and he's becoming purposely careless as though he WANTS to get caught. People who know him have seen us together, he kisses me in public etc. What are the chances he's actually going to leave? If he does leave what is the best way for him to tell his wife? Just come out and say it or try to pull away gradually? I've been in both situations when someone left me and what hurt the most was the person I loved not being honest and saying they just wanted to be single or blaming it on me that he wanted to move on when in fact it was because of another woman.

[zigawit]

i know it might be hard to hear, but don't get your hopes up. Leaving his wife may be alot harder than he may let on. And you need to ask yourself the obvious question. Regardless of whether he leaves his wife for you or not, could you honestly be with and trust a man who is a cheater? because that is what he ultimately is. I can see you really like this man, but you run the risk of getting seriously hurt if he doesn't really mean what he's telling you and he is just stringing you along. you really need to weigh up the pros and cons

[TigerCub]

First time poster- never thought I'd find myself in this situation but I made decisions that led me to this point and I take responsiblity for my situation. My MM has been married 16 years. his first affair was 12 years ago and his wife never knew. He says he hasn't done anything until now. He and his wife get along but he says they are more like roommates. No kids except for a stepchild (that is another source of trouble between them because he does not get along with his stepson and the stepson is in prison right now in part because of HIS testimony. He claims it is the best thing for him. We actually briefly met 9 years ago (I was dating a coworker of his) but we never really said more than hi. He found me on facebook and asked if I was still with the guy from 9 years ago. We started talking and ended up flirting and it was on from there. I did not know he was married at first. But as the flirting became sexual I did some checking and found that he was married. I had just gotten out a bad relationship that ended in a restraining order and I had very low self esteem and MM's emails and flirting made me feel really good.

 

THe first time we saw eachother we had sex and it was AMAZING. We had already developed a little bit of a bond by this time so that helped. Plus we had a whole month of flirting foreplay. I know what I did (and am doing is wrong) but I don't want to stop. MM and I have so much in common, have the same sense of humor. It is like we found our soulmate. I know that sounds crazy but we found in eachother what each of us was missing and craving. Its not just about sex (we have a great sex life) but we also have so much more. I think he was just starving for love and affection and someone to make him feel alive again. He is SO good to me. He will do anything for me. After only a month he said he hates sneaking around and he wants to leave his wife.

Why didn't you just tell him to go ahead and do it, if that's what he really wants?

 

We discussed what would happen if he does (living situations etc)

And?...what did you guys come up with?

or was it just fantasy talk like "oooh, one day I'll leave and we'll get a house together, and a puppy and we'll go on so many trips, blah blah" kinda talk

 

He spent Christmas with me (I have no idea how he got away with that) and ever since he just talks non stop about our plans to be together. He says he was in love with the girl from the affair from 12 years ago and always held onto the hope that she would come back to him (she's married now too) and when he met me all of that went away. That he's never loved anyone as much as me, never fell this quickly, never felt so alive and happy. We just click. We appreciate eachother so much and I've never had that with anyone.

 

Now, I'm not a dummy. I know he's probably feeding me lines and that he's hurting his wife so he may do that to me in the future. He claims he's trying to distance himself from his wife in an effort to leave. He says he won't have sex with her (he says she normally doesn't initiate anything so he's just not intiated anything) that they dont sleep in the same bed (happened before I came along) that this year she told him she didn't want them to buy and exchange christmas gifts. He also found her looking up apartments. So maybe she is on her way out? I have no idea. he says he doesn't think she would do that.

You're smart to proceed with caution and not believe everything he says.

As far as his comment about how he doesn't think she would move out, did you not ask him "well, why would she be looking at apartments then?, and if that's just meaningless trivia, why did you mention it to me?":confused:

 

He has told me several times that he will just go home and tell her its over if that is what I want.

So what do you say to that?

do you say "no, that's not what I want"?

why don't you call his bluff and see if he'll actually do it? I'm really curious, not trying to be a smart a$$ here, just really curious because here is your "soulmate" and you're in love, they don't have kids (except a step son, he helped put away in jail), his R with his W is bad and he tells you that he'll tell her its over if you say so, so why don't you say so?

 

 

He doesnt' know if he should end things quickly and tell her he's in love with someone else or if it should be gradual and just let her drift away and then tell her its just not working out. He doesn't want to hurt her or devastate her. (of course if that was the case he wouldnt' be doing what he's doing with me)

Ok, cheating aside, I think he would be devestating her WAY MORE, if he goes about destroying the marriage the quiet/distant/cowardly way. Don't you think it would be torture for her to know that he's being distant and not giving her any reason why, just slowly making her go crazy as she wonders why nothing she tries is good enough for him, wonders why he's being so distant, why he's emotionally starving her?

I think that's just cruel, if he wants to end it, he should just man up and tell her that he doesn't think the M is working and that he wants out.

 

He shouldn't mention you, or that he's in love with anyone else, because that might cause a sense of competition (to her) and she might cling more to the M and want to try to "work things out".

 

But bottom line is that he shouldn't string her along and make their M even s**tier than it already is - that's just cruel.

 

Hes 11 years older than me and I've never been married so I can't (and its not my place) give him advice about what he should do. I know he wants to be with me, All of his actions indicate this. Should I suggest that he just end things or wait it out? I want what is best for him but dont' want him to string me along. I know the chances of him actually leaving are slim.

Why do you say that if he seems so willing to just go home and end it. I say call him out on that and see what happens - if he comes up with excuses, then its time to move on.

If he does it - then there ya go, he's all yours.

[jj33]

None of it means anything until he leaves.

 

He may leave but hes leaving with a soft landing and he lacks the balls to make a decision about his own life for himself. Hes working it on all fronts.

 

He wants you to tell him to leave

 

He is putting himself in situations where he could get caught. Kissing you in public etc.

 

He was waiting for the girl from 12 years ago to come back.

 

A divorce is one of the biggest decisions he will make in his life and he cant put on his big boy pants and be responsible for his own decision?

 

Is this the kind of man you want to spend your life with? hes a conflict avoider and a coward the way he is playing this.

 

I realize i dont have all the facts but based on what you put in your post a relationship with this man will only work if you lead him around by the nose.

 

The other thing is once he is no longer starved for affection do you have anything else in common?

 

I would be very skeptical about this one.

 

If he wanted to leave he could have left in the past 12 years. If you tell him to leave you could have that thrown back at you for a long long time.

 

I would tell him the decision to leave his marriage is his decision you cant make it for him as much as you would like to be able to pursue a relationship with him single and free to be with you, you cant decide whether he should end his marriage.

[miranda3379]

i know it might be hard to hear, but don't get your hopes up. Leaving his wife may be alot harder than he may let on. And you need to ask yourself the obvious question. Regardless of whether he leaves his wife for you or not, could you honestly be with and trust a man who is a cheater? because that is what he ultimately is. I can see you really like this man, but you run the risk of getting seriously hurt if he doesn't really mean what he's telling you and he is just stringing you along. you really need to weigh up the pros and cons

 

 

Its not hard to hear, and I know I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I know what I am doing is wrong and that is why I want him to end things as quickly as possible at home. As for would I trust a cheater, yes I know he will probably do it to me and I won't be suprised by that, but every man I have ever been with (and they weren't married) was a cheater. I know there are many people out there who dont' cheat but it is just so easy these days that I truly dont' believe I will ever find anyone who I can totally trust. and that is sad.

[TigerCub]

Its not hard to hear, and I know I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I know what I am doing is wrong and that is why I want him to end things as quickly as possible at home. As for would I trust a cheater, yes I know he will probably do it to me and I won't be suprised by that, but every man I have ever been with (and they weren't married) was a cheater. I know there are many people out there who dont' cheat but it is just so easy these days that I truly dont' believe I will ever find anyone who I can totally trust. and that is sad.

 

Sweetie, reading that makes me really sad for you.

I think you're settling for crappy people. You could do way better.

Don't you think you deserve it?

I dunno, I don't mean this to offend, but a huge 'low self esteem' flag went up. If that's true, perhaps you should be dealing with that.

 

Good luck to you

[miranda3379]

Why didn't you just tell him to go ahead and do it, if that's what he really wants?

 

I wish he would just go home and tell his wife and leave. I don't know her, dont' know anything about her, don't want to or she will become a real person to me. I know it sounds stupid when I say I dont want to hurt anyone because if that was 100% the truth I wouldnt' be with him now. But I don't want her to be devastated and shocked. I had someone I loved just come home from work one day (I thought our life together was great) and just tell me he was done. Said all these horrible things about me and that he was leaving. I asked if there was someone else (there was) and he lied and said no and basically just blamed it on wanting to be single. just came out of nowhere and turned my life upside down. I eventually recovered but I dont want to be responsible for making anyone feel the way I did.

 

And?...what did you guys come up with?

or was it just fantasy talk like "oooh, one day I'll leave and we'll get a house together, and a puppy and we'll go on so many trips, blah blah" kinda talk

No it was a serious talk and we have concrete plans but some of it depends on whether his wife wants to stay in their house. If she does, he will offer to pay the mortgage for her until she graduates from school.

 

You're smart to proceed with caution and not believe everything he says.

As far as his comment about how he doesn't think she would move out, did you not ask him "well, why would she be looking at apartments then?, and if that's just meaningless trivia, why did you mention it to me?":confused:

 

 

So what do you say to that?

do you say "no, that's not what I want"?

why don't you call his bluff and see if he'll actually do it? I'm really curious, not trying to be a smart a$$ here, just really curious because here is your "soulmate" and you're in love, they don't have kids (except a step son, he helped put away in jail), his R with his W is bad and he tells you that he'll tell her its over if you say so, so why don't you say so?

 

Because its not my marriage and I don't want him to be feel forced to do something. because maybe I'm not ready to be with HIM full time.

 

Ok, cheating aside, I think he would be devestating her WAY MORE, if he goes about destroying the marriage the quiet/distant/cowardly way. Don't you think it would be torture for her to know that he's being distant and not giving her any reason why, just slowly making her go crazy as she wonders why nothing she tries is good enough for him, wonders why he's being so distant, why he's emotionally starving her?

I think that's just cruel, if he wants to end it, he should just man up and tell her that he doesn't think the M is working and that he wants out.

 

 

I never thought of it that way. But when I read that, I agree with you. I took it as they were already distant and he was just putting the finishing touches on things by not having sex etc. (if thats even true)

He shouldn't mention you, or that he's in love with anyone else, because that might cause a sense of competition (to her) and she might cling more to the M and want to try to "work things out".

 

But bottom line is that he shouldn't string her along and make their M even s**tier than it already is - that's just cruel.

 

 

Why do you say that if he seems so willing to just go home and end it. I say call him out on that and see what happens - if he comes up with excuses, then its time to move on.

If he does it - then there ya go, he's all yours

[miranda3379]

Sweetie, reading that makes me really sad for you.

I think you're settling for crappy people. You could do way better.

Don't you think you deserve it?

I dunno, I don't mean this to offend, but a huge 'low self esteem' flag went up. If that's true, perhaps you should be dealing with that.

 

Good luck to you

 

 

They dont' start out as crappy people. And none of them really have anything in common except for the fact they were unfaithful. And as soon as I found out they were unfaithful I left. I think everyone deserves someone better but sadly I believe that everyone is capable of cheating and will probably do so in the right circumstances. Right after I started dating this MM I had another MM contact me on fb. we went to high school together 18 years ago. I haven't seen him since I was 14 years old. We used to be good friends. He is married to the friend of a friend with two kids. I thought he just wanted to say hi and catch up. about a week later we are talking and he tells me his marriage is practically over and they are just together for the kids and he feels nothing for his wife and wants to leave. I stopped talking to him after that because he started hitting on me but its is just WAY too easy to be unfaithful with the availability of the internet etc. So i don't trust anyone to be totally honset and faithful as much as i want those qualities I know they are VERY difficult to find

[TaraMaiden]

Its not hard to hear, and I know I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I know what I am doing is wrong and that is why I want him to end things as quickly as possible at home. As for would I trust a cheater, yes I know he will probably do it to me and I won't be suprised by that, but every man I have ever been with (and they weren't married) was a cheater. I know there are many people out there who dont' cheat but it is just so easy these days that I truly dont' believe I will ever find anyone who I can totally trust. and that is sad.

 

 

Well if ever that was an "I am an unworthy needy woman and will happily settle for second-best breadcrumbs" that was it....

 

I hate to say this but going on Forum experience, and your MM's history, the chances of him leaving his wife for you are slim and none.

 

You are going to be kept dangling, wondering, being pushed and pulled for as long as he can get away with it; either until his wife finds out, or until you up stumps and leave.

And judging by your tone and words, it will be the former, not the latter.

 

If this is really the best you think you can ever get, then forget commitment, promises and him leaving. Enjoy him and take him for whatever ride you like. he's doing that to you, so you might as well get some fun out of it, without caring about commitment or anything else. just go for it, for the sake of it, because I read that this is the best you can hope for.

[TigerCub]

I wish he would just go home and tell his wife and leave. I don't know her, dont' know anything about her, don't want to or she will become a real person to me. I know it sounds stupid when I say I dont want to hurt anyone because if that was 100% the truth I wouldnt' be with him now. But I don't want her to be devastated and shocked. I had someone I loved just come home from work one day (I thought our life together was great) and just tell me he was done. Said all these horrible things about me and that he was leaving. I asked if there was someone else (there was) and he lied and said no and basically just blamed it on wanting to be single. just came out of nowhere and turned my life upside down. I eventually recovered but I dont want to be responsible for making anyone feel the way I did.

 

I understand that your past situation makes you want to spare her THAT pain (ie. him suddenly leaving), but what kind of pain are you causing her now? He's being more distant with her, he's lying to her, he's cheating on her. Yes its true that HE is doing that to her, but you're still part of the equation.

 

I understand how you don't want to be "forcing" him to leave. I certainly didn't want to do that when I was in an A. I wanted it to be HIS decision, something that he KNEW was best, something he really wanted. So I understand what you're saying there.

 

I was merely suggesting you call him out on his bluff.

 

Because its not my marriage and I don't want him to be feel forced to do something. because maybe I'm not ready to be with HIM full time.

That's true, it not YOUR marriage, but you're still interfering with it. Surely you do realize that.

 

I think the part in bold is the most important piece of info you have there.

 

If you're not really ready to be with him, then it shouldn't matter if he ever plans to leave his W for real.

 

Think on that for a while, and figure out why you're not ready to have him full time in your life.

[TigerCub]

They dont' start out as crappy people. And none of them really have anything in common except for the fact they were unfaithful. And as soon as I found out they were unfaithful I left. I think everyone deserves someone better but sadly I believe that everyone is capable of cheating and will probably do so in the right circumstances. Right after I started dating this MM I had another MM contact me on fb. we went to high school together 18 years ago. I haven't seen him since I was 14 years old. We used to be good friends. He is married to the friend of a friend with two kids. I thought he just wanted to say hi and catch up. about a week later we are talking and he tells me his marriage is practically over and they are just together for the kids and he feels nothing for his wife and wants to leave. I stopped talking to him after that because he started hitting on me but its is just WAY too easy to be unfaithful with the availability of the internet etc. So i don't trust anyone to be totally honset and faithful as much as i want those qualities I know they are VERY difficult to find

 

Oh my mistake, I thought that you knew they were cheaters from the getgo, like when first chatting and stuff, or if you knew them before, etc.

 

Sorry that you've been hurt by so many unfaithful people.

[miranda3379]

None of it means anything until he leaves.

 

He may leave but hes leaving with a soft landing and he lacks the balls to make a decision about his own life for himself. Hes working it on all fronts.

 

He wants you to tell him to leave

 

He is putting himself in situations where he could get caught. Kissing you in public etc.

 

He was waiting for the girl from 12 years ago to come back.

 

A divorce is one of the biggest decisions he will make in his life and he cant put on his big boy pants and be responsible for his own decision?

 

Is this the kind of man you want to spend your life with? hes a conflict avoider and a coward the way he is playing this.

 

I realize i dont have all the facts but based on what you put in your post a relationship with this man will only work if you lead him around by the nose.

 

The other thing is once he is no longer starved for affection do you have anything else in common?

 

I would be very skeptical about this one.

 

If he wanted to leave he could have left in the past 12 years. If you tell him to leave you could have that thrown back at you for a long long time.

 

I would tell him the decision to leave his marriage is his decision you cant make it for him as much as you would like to be able to pursue a relationship with him single and free to be with you, you cant decide whether he should end his marriage.

 

 

I know one thing that is a red flag- he is terrified to be alone. So I know that he wants to have a sure thing lined up before he makes a move. He has NO family (his last remaining relative- his mother died just two years ago) and he has no one other than friends and his wife. He got attached very easily to me and has treated me better than anyone else ever has. He wants to be with me all the time and does crazy stuff to be able to see me and spend time with me. The third time we hooked up he spent the night with me and has been spending two to three nights a week wtih me ever since. So I know he wants to make sure I want us to be together and his biggest fear is that he will leave his wife and I wont' want him anymore. Or I'll change my mind. He doesn't want to be all alone. So I think that may be why he wants me to TELL him what to do.

 

Do you really think its fair for me to ask him to go home and tell her that its all over?? We've only been together LESS than 2 months. I won't wait more than six months for him to leave. He doesnt' know that but that is my limit. I figure if he doesn't leave by six months he never will.

 

If I was in a normal relationship (with a single person) I wouldn't be demanding that the guy move in with me after not even two months. so why is it so different with someone whose married? Because of finances there isn't a way he could pay his house mortgage (for her to live there) and get an apartment on his own so if she keeps the house he will live with me in my rental house (and pay his share of the bills) until we would get a house I bought fixed up and livable and then we would move there.

 

I know it is too late, but I truly do not want to devastate his wife. I don't want to be the cause for someone's misery. I guess I'm just deluded into thinking that if she is already distant from him (as he says) and she didn't want to do things like celebrate christmas this year that she is thinking about moving on too.

[jj33]

I think you would be crazy to tell him to tell his wife its over. You have NO guarantees of what hte future will hold between you

 

He needs to be sure he wants out and can tolerate being alone because who knows where the 2 of you will be in a year?

 

Relationships hold no guarantees. You could believe with all your heart that you will spend the rest of you life together and then in a years time feel differently.

[KarmasTestDummy]

I know one thing that is a red flag- he is terrified to be alone. So I know that he wants to have a sure thing lined up before he makes a move. He has NO family (his last remaining relative- his mother died just two years ago) and he has no one other than friends and his wife. He got attached very easily to me and has treated me better than anyone else ever has. He wants to be with me all the time and does crazy stuff to be able to see me and spend time with me. The third time we hooked up he spent the night with me and has been spending two to three nights a week wtih me ever since. So I know he wants to make sure I want us to be together and his biggest fear is that he will leave his wife and I wont' want him anymore. Or I'll change my mind. He doesn't want to be all alone. So I think that may be why he wants me to TELL him what to do.

 

Do you really think its fair for me to ask him to go home and tell her that its all over?? We've only been together LESS than 2 months. I won't wait more than six months for him to leave. He doesnt' know that but that is my limit. I figure if he doesn't leave by six months he never will.

 

If I was in a normal relationship (with a single person) I wouldn't be demanding that the guy move in with me after not even two months. so why is it so different with someone whose married? Because of finances there isn't a way he could pay his house mortgage (for her to live there) and get an apartment on his own so if she keeps the house he will live with me in my rental house (and pay his share of the bills) until we would get a house I bought fixed up and livable and then we would move there.

 

I know it is too late, but I truly do not want to devastate his wife. I don't want to be the cause for someone's misery. I guess I'm just deluded into thinking that if she is already distant from him (as he says) and she didn't want to do things like celebrate christmas this year that she is thinking about moving on too.

 

My exmm was like that the first couple of months too. Invade I fulfilled him completely and he knew he was in love with me within 4 days of knowing me. Those first two months were so intense...but it went downhill from there. He was being pulled in so many directions and I just started noticing him pulling away. It resulted in us going on an off again nc many times to figure things out. Every time he'd come back in a few days or at most a couple of weeks desperate for attention again (and mostly more unsure of what I was out there doing when he wasn't around) but each time he came back offering less and being more distant and stressed. I too ultimately set a few deadlines. First was 6 months, which came a few weeks ago. I didn't walk that day, but another dealbreaker came and it was my last straw. W was waiting on an inheritance..one he said would be what she had been waiting on to walk herself. He wanted to wait for it To make sure she would have a means to get situated and not have to rely on him. The day it came in he talked how he started a fight and knew that she was pushing his buttons trying to come up with a good excuse to just say it's over and walk out. The very next morning, me full of anticipation hoping it had resulted in that, he proceeds to tell me how she has called and made an appt to ge her breasts done and a tummy tuck and start remodeling the house. I was just awwe struck. Like total WTF! He was going to sit back an watch her blow every dime and still not have any means of taking care of herself...thus continue depending on him...and he was okay with it. That's all she wrote. I said no more. W

We all hear these same things and think our guy is different, and make those plans...but the ones who do it are few and far between, and I wouldn't count on anything more.

[Owl]

I wish he would just go home and tell his wife and leave. I don't know her, dont' know anything about her, don't want to or she will become a real person to me.

 

She's already a real person, even if you don't know her (yet). She lives, she loves, she feels...and she's going to be emotionally devestated when she learns about this...just as you were when it happened to you.

 

Even if you don't know her (yet), does that make it ok? Does it make it acceptable to you? Does it negate the damage done to her in any fashion?

 

He's not the only man in the world. He's certainly not the best...in your posts he sounds more like the "least bad of all the bad options" for you.

 

You need to find a different dating pool...a different selection of guys if all of the ones you've been with were cheaters in some fashion or another.

 

From my years here and on other sites, and years of personal experience...there is no fairy tale ending to this. Odds are that all THREE of you are going to end up hurting.

[Confused4Now]

Let me start by saying this. I was a MM when I started my A for 2 years I was cake eating with my xMW. I knew when it was time to leave my marriage. I can remember the day when I had enough and started my D. I had never been a lone in 20+ years so yes I was scared but it was clear to me when I left my M. So I do get the being alone..but I also knew when I left my M that my xMW might not leave hers....that was 3 years ago when I left.

 

I can assure you if your MM is serious about anything. He'd leave you alone get D and work on himself. That is what I did. I have no problems of being alone cause that's what I've been doing for 3 years. You really don't want a man who's going to jump from one thing into another do you?

Oh and BTW xMW never left and is still with H.

[bentnotbroken]

Not knowing anything about the wife doesn't mean she is any less real. She has a life with this man. She has memories and shared experiences. She is real and sticking one's head in the sand doesn't mean she is an aberration no matter what he says. He continues to lie(by omission) about cheating on her before you. All he had to do was tell her that without every mentioning you. Wonder why he didn't?

[pureinheart]

I think you would be crazy to tell him to tell his wife its over. You have NO guarantees of what hte future will hold between you

 

He needs to be sure he wants out and can tolerate being alone because who knows where the 2 of you will be in a year?

 

Relationships hold no guarantees. You could believe with all your heart that you will spend the rest of you life together and then in a years time feel differently.

 

Wow...this is powerful, not to meantion the entire truth.

 

Miranda, welcome BTW, my advice would be the above which was communicated very well:). If you can handle where you are right now then be ok with that, if not please make changes now.

 

I was listening to a teaching today, and it spoke to my "people fixer" personality. He said what your mate is now is what he/she will be after you marry them, so many people try to change others to conform to their liking...it doesn't happen. He wasn't saying that people won't/can't change, he was saying to accept people the way they are TODAY.

 

Look at this man TODAY, the circumstances, everything and then make a decision...as you see, these are the facts, the future is not here yet, so really we don't know. Certainly I can have a prophetic enlightening and know that I know, although I still need to be in TODAY.

[pureinheart]

Let me start by saying this. I was a MM when I started my A for 2 years I was cake eating with my xMW. I knew when it was time to leave my marriage. I can remember the day when I had enough and started my D. I had never been a lone in 20+ years so yes I was scared but it was clear to me when I left my M. So I do get the being alone..but I also knew when I left my M that my xMW might not leave hers....that was 3 years ago when I left.

 

I can assure you if your MM is serious about anything. He'd leave you alone get D and work on himself. That is what I did. I have no problems of being alone cause that's what I've been doing for 3 years. You really don't want a man who's going to jump from one thing into another do you?

Oh and BTW xMW never left and is still with H.

 

This is very good C4N...certainly being alone can feel like a desert experience, although there does need to be some time inbetween R's IMO.

 

It is very hard. There was a time I was totally alone...no kids, nothing, I hated it, but got used to it...when my son needed help and moved back in, it was hard.

[jj33]

Thanks Pure.

 

The other thing is as others have said his W is a real person. No matter how she feels no matter what he says she is a real person with real feelings.

 

Lets assume hes being truthful and they have grown apart. So what? Marriages have hills and valleys.

 

The idea that he would do this slowly is inhumane and you do NOT want to be a part of that.

 

You dont "blow off" your wife slowly. Havent you ever been in a relationship where someone wanted to break up with you and instead they tried to get you to break up with them? It may work with someone youve been dating a few months but that is not how to end a marriage. Its not how to end anything its passive aggressive and its again cowardly.

 

But i fail to see how it would work with a marriage. Think how much you love him. Dont you think his W is going to say honey what's wrong? Think maybe he is stressed with work or whatever and try to ride out the rough patch? Look what you rae putting up with to be with him?

 

And think how mean it is to her. Im not saying he deserves a medal for having an affair but I am not in a position to judge. But if he has made a decision to leave, he needs to act. and if he hasnt well he hasnt.

 

Think long and hard about how he is handling this. Im not saying he would cheat on you but when conflict arises, as it does in every relationship, this is his MO. Passive aggressive, non confrontational, not owning his part in things, not taking responsibility for his own actions.

I have to say I would strangle him. But evyerone tolerates different things, thats why there is chocolate and vanillla.

 

I get that he doesnt want to be alone. No one wants to be alone. But the red flags are there. He is auditioning you, lining up a soft landing and ??? as I said above still no guarantees of happily ever after. You hope so, but noone knows. You could live with him for 6 months and say oh no, no wonder he and his wife grew apart.

[fooled once]

Why didn't you just tell him to go ahead and do it, if that's what he really wants?

 

And?...what did you guys come up with?

or was it just fantasy talk like "oooh, one day I'll leave and we'll get a house together, and a puppy and we'll go on so many trips, blah blah" kinda talk

 

You're smart to proceed with caution and not believe everything he says.

As far as his comment about how he doesn't think she would move out, did you not ask him "well, why would she be looking at apartments then?, and if that's just meaningless trivia, why did you mention it to me?":confused:

 

So what do you say to that?

do you say "no, that's not what I want"?

why don't you call his bluff and see if he'll actually do it? I'm really curious, not trying to be a smart a$$ here, just really curious because here is your "soulmate" and you're in love, they don't have kids (except a step son, he helped put away in jail), his R with his W is bad and he tells you that he'll tell her its over if you say so, so why don't you say so?

 

 

Ok, cheating aside, I think he would be devestating her WAY MORE, if he goes about destroying the marriage the quiet/distant/cowardly way. Don't you think it would be torture for her to know that he's being distant and not giving her any reason why, just slowly making her go crazy as she wonders why nothing she tries is good enough for him, wonders why he's being so distant, why he's emotionally starving her?

I think that's just cruel, if he wants to end it, he should just man up and tell her that he doesn't think the M is working and that he wants out.

 

He shouldn't mention you, or that he's in love with anyone else, because that might cause a sense of competition (to her) and she might cling more to the M and want to try to "work things out".

 

But bottom line is that he shouldn't string her along and make their M even s**tier than it already is - that's just cruel.

 

Why do you say that if he seems so willing to just go home and end it. I say call him out on that and see what happens - if he comes up with excuses, then its time to move on.

If he does it - then there ya go, he's all yours.

 

Great post Tiger.

 

I know one thing that is a red flag- he is terrified to be alone. So I know that he wants to have a sure thing lined up before he makes a move. He has NO family (his last remaining relative- his mother died just two years ago) and he has no one other than friends and his wife. He got attached very easily to me and has treated me better than anyone else ever has. He wants to be with me all the time and does crazy stuff to be able to see me and spend time with me. The third time we hooked up he spent the night with me and has been spending two to three nights a week wtih me ever since. So I know he wants to make sure I want us to be together and his biggest fear is that he will leave his wife and I wont' want him anymore. Or I'll change my mind. He doesn't want to be all alone. So I think that may be why he wants me to TELL him what to do.

 

Do you really think its fair for me to ask him to go home and tell her that its all over?? We've only been together LESS than 2 months. I won't wait more than six months for him to leave. He doesnt' know that but that is my limit. I figure if he doesn't leave by six months he never will.

 

If I was in a normal relationship (with a single person) I wouldn't be demanding that the guy move in with me after not even two months. so why is it so different with someone whose married? Because of finances there isn't a way he could pay his house mortgage (for her to live there) and get an apartment on his own so if she keeps the house he will live with me in my rental house (and pay his share of the bills) until we would get a house I bought fixed up and livable and then we would move there.

 

I know it is too late, but I truly do not want to devastate his wife. I don't want to be the cause for someone's misery. I guess I'm just deluded into thinking that if she is already distant from him (as he says) and she didn't want to do things like celebrate christmas this year that she is thinking about moving on too.

 

So some MM you are sleeping with is going to move in with you after 2 months? Would you move a single guy in after 2 months?

 

If he is just so miserable and unhappy and unfulfilled in his marriage, why does he go back to her each time he leaves you? I know you want to believe he isn't sleeping with her (as in the same bed and sex), but that is what MOST MM tell the mistress. Do you think he is going to tell you he and his wife have hot sex 4 nights a week?

 

You know he is sneaking around, lying, betraying a woman he promised to love and cherish and you are ok with having a real relationship with him? He has stated how he is going to gaslight her, by basically being mean and cold and disrespectful to her, and you have no problem with this? Don't you see, how he treats his WIFE is how he WILL treat you? Do you not find his behavior disgusting and cowardly? Instead of being a MAN and either FIXING his marriage or ending it, he took the easy way out and has affairs. I do not believe he has only had 2 affairs - I believe he has had more.

 

And his wife - what did she DO that caused him to be unfaithful? She didn't DO anything - those are actions and behaviors HE chose.

 

Same as you - you CHOSE to sleep with someone else's husband. You CHOSE to participate in the lying, sneaking and cowardly behavior.

 

Tell him to not contact you until he is divorced. Tell him YOU refuse to be his side dish, his secret mistress, his 'soft landing'. It has only been 2 months - 60 days!! Tell him you do not want to be the REASON he leaves, so in order to help him, you are stepping away and giving him the space he needs to be a man.

 

And sorry, but I think it is CRAZY for you to move in a man you barely know. HE has issues that need to be worked on. How is he going to do that with you ready to do everything for him? And really - do you like being his mom ... telling him what to do, how to act, etc? When is he going to grow up and OWN his decisions/choices?

 

He sounds like a cowardly cake eating jerk.

 

She's already a real person, even if you don't know her (yet). She lives, she loves, she feels...and she's going to be emotionally devestated when she learns about this...just as you were when it happened to you.

 

Even if you don't know her (yet), does that make it ok? Does it make it acceptable to you? Does it negate the damage done to her in any fashion?

 

He's not the only man in the world. He's certainly not the best...in your posts he sounds more like the "least bad of all the bad options" for you.

 

You need to find a different dating pool...a different selection of guys if all of the ones you've been with were cheaters in some fashion or another.

 

From my years here and on other sites, and years of personal experience...there is no fairy tale ending to this. Odds are that all THREE of you are going to end up hurting.

 

Great post Owl!!

[alexandria35]

Great post Tiger.

 

 

 

So some MM you are sleeping with is going to move in with you after 2 months? Would you move a single guy in after 2 months?

 

If he is just so miserable and unhappy and unfulfilled in his marriage, why does he go back to her each time he leaves you? I know you want to believe he isn't sleeping with her (as in the same bed and sex), but that is what MOST MM tell the mistress. Do you think he is going to tell you he and his wife have hot sex 4 nights a week?

 

You know he is sneaking around, lying, betraying a woman he promised to love and cherish and you are ok with having a real relationship with him? He has stated how he is going to gaslight her, by basically being mean and cold and disrespectful to her, and you have no problem with this? Don't you see, how he treats his WIFE is how he WILL treat you? Do you not find his behavior disgusting and cowardly? Instead of being a MAN and either FIXING his marriage or ending it, he took the easy way out and has affairs. I do not believe he has only had 2 affairs - I believe he has had more.

 

And his wife - what did she DO that caused him to be unfaithful? She didn't DO anything - those are actions and behaviors HE chose.

 

Same as you - you CHOSE to sleep with someone else's husband. You CHOSE to participate in the lying, sneaking and cowardly behavior.

 

Tell him to not contact you until he is divorced. Tell him YOU refuse to be his side dish, his secret mistress, his 'soft landing'. It has only been 2 months - 60 days!! Tell him you do not want to be the REASON he leaves, so in order to help him, you are stepping away and giving him the space he needs to be a man.

 

And sorry, but I think it is CRAZY for you to move in a man you barely know. HE has issues that need to be worked on. How is he going to do that with you ready to do everything for him? And really - do you like being his mom ... telling him what to do, how to act, etc? When is he going to grow up and OWN his decisions/choices?

 

He sounds like a cowardly cake eating jerk.

 

 

 

Great post Owl!!

 

Took the words right out of my keyboard.

 

This guy sounds kinda creepy to me. The first red flag was the fact that he looked you up on FB, started flirting with you and never told you he was married. That sounds like a guy who intended on finding someone to have an affair with, and you were the lucky one to take the bait. You said you only found out he was married when you dug up the information yourself. Why did you feel like you had to find out this information yourself? Why didn't you just come right out and ask him if he was married? Or did you ask and he lied? Makes no difference lies of omission are still lies and he lied to you.

 

He says he had an affair 12 years ago and he always hoped his OW would return? Return for what? More affair activity or was she supposed to rescue him from his unhappy marriage. What is he sleeping beauty or something? waiting for his knightress in shining armor to take him away? I have no idea why you find this helpless cowardly man attractive. Why doesn't he just man up and take control of his own life?

[Got it]

While a married person becoming single to be able to have a permenant relationship with you is very important it isn't the only thing to focus on here. Like another poster said, who he is right now is what you should be paying attention to. His coping mechanisms, the way he treats others, his need to never be alone. There is a side to being an OW that is very enlightening as you usually get a very good view of the MM. Now you have to pay attention to the little signs and not diminish them, as all of us who love someone is apt to do. Really look at him and ask yourself do you like what you see? You can see the MP in the most stressful situations so get a good look at your lover in multiple situations.

 

In our lifes our relationships can have different variances based on how the other person is, there are usually some common traits that we do with everyone. Make sure what traits are really him are ones that mesh well with you.

 

That is what I did really appreciate with my EMR. I got to see sMM in some of the most stressful times for him and saw how he handled them, handled the other people involved, and the decisions he made based on the above. While I didn't always agree with everything, I do understand his logic and thought process.

 

Take this as an opportunity to get to see/know him better. And I wouldn't advise moving him into your place. He needs to end his marriage based on the merits of the marriage. And this is something he needs to work out on his own. You don't want to be in the middle of it as you don't want him to turn around one day and say it is all your fault.

 

For me, a great book to deal with this is "Dealing with your Boyfriend's Divorce". It helps you stay focused on your life and not take over his. Something I work at as I am a people fixer as well.

[Confused4Now]

This is very good C4N...certainly being alone can feel like a desert experience, although there does need to be some time inbetween R's IMO.

It is very hard . There was a time I was totally alone...no kids, nothing, I hated it, but got used to it...when my son needed help and moved back in, it was hard.

So hard I hated it too..but I'm now comfortable in my own skin. Just to let you know...this past Christmas eve my 3 adult kids were with their mom for the first time in 3 years and I was very happy. Being alone wasn't even a issue with me. My oldest boy hadn't talked to his mom in 2 years when it all went down. So I'm happy!!!

[pureinheart]

So hard I hated it too..but I'm now comfortable in my own skin. Just to let you know...this past Christmas eve my 3 adult kids were with their mom for the first time in 3 years and I was very happy. Being alone wasn't even a issue with me. My oldest boy hadn't talked to his mom in 2 years when it all went down. So I'm happy!!!

 

Awesome!!!!! I love forgiveness and people coming together even when there have been past discrepancies! (((((((((hugs))))))))), that made me really happy!!!!! Thank you