chancellor Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I'm in love with a girl who won't date me and today I told her we couldn't be friends anymore. She was crying all along and it made me feel like a total loser. I think I'm at an all time low and could really use your feedback and encouragement on this.
january2010 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I'm sorry about what happened, but you had to do it for both your sakes.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Her feelings aren't important. Forget she exists, and find someone who likes you back.
denise_xo Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I'm in love with a girl who won't date me and today I told her we couldn't be friends anymore. She was crying all along and it made me feel like a total loser. I think I'm at an all time low and could really use your feedback and encouragement on this. It's OK. You did what you had to do. I hope you meet someone else soon
Author chancellor Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 Thanks all for your encouragement. The girl likes me, she kept trying to find ways to see me but ultimately her parents disagreed. I kept telling her I'd miss her and she kept weeping. Oh god...
denise_xo Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Thanks all for your encouragement. The girl likes me, she kept trying to find ways to see me but ultimately her parents disagreed. I kept telling her I'd miss her and she kept weeping. Oh god... Oh, that sounds heart breaking I'm sorry that you're both suffering.
carhill Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 That's difficult. At some point in a person's life, they tell their parents to f*ck off. She's not at that point yet. Once that is made clear, mutual respect can evolve and the young adult gains support for their independent choices. Get used to women weeping. They do it for a myriad of reasons and in a variety of ways. Learn to detach yourself from it. Sympathize but don't take it on personally. I learned this from a woman You were honest and you shared your feelings in a sincere and heartfelt way. Take pride in that. Now, move on. New opportunities await.
Author chancellor Posted January 4, 2011 Author Posted January 4, 2011 It's a long story but she is supposed to marry some guy like her sisters did. Nothing I can do about. Every time I said I'd miss her, she'd cry some more. Thanks all for reading and encouraging me.
tigressA Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 An arranged marriage? Creepy. How old are you and this girl, OP? In some cultures (particularly Asian/Indian) family is paramount, but ultimately if she's an adult, it's her choice. If she truly wanted to be with you then like Carhill said, she would just tell her parents to f*ck off. Sorry you're both hurting...but the sooner you get that through your head, the better.
denise_xo Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 If she truly wanted to be with you then like Carhill said, she would just tell her parents to f*ck off. . Depending on the cultural/family situation, that's not necessarily the case. In a lot of lot of cultures this would be unthinkable. My H would NEVER have married me had his parents and immediate family not approved.
tigressA Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Depending on the cultural/family situation, that's not necessarily the case. In a lot of lot of cultures this would be unthinkable. My H would NEVER have married me had his parents and immediate family not approved. True. I was a little hasty there. It just ticks me off that people from those particular cultures raise a family over here, in an entirely different culture (if that's this girl's situation), and expect their kids to fall in line with their traditions or else.
denise_xo Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 True. I was a little hasty there. It just ticks me off that people from those particular cultures raise a family over here, in an entirely different culture (if that's this girl's situation), and expect their kids to fall in line with their traditions or else. Yeah, I'm with you on that. I know several people in that situation of being severely torn between family expectations and personal desires in terms of relationships, and it just seems like a lot of unnecessary suffering.
carhill Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Yes, ostracization by culture and/or family is a potential risk of independent thought and initiative. Raised by staunch and conservative Catholics, I know this well. The women who experienced my conservative views on sex had no problem dumping me for men who better matched up with their views. They shed not a tear. The OP and his girl evidently, due to her conservative views and family dynamics, may never match up for a relationship. It is what it is. Part of being an adult is accepting that the world isn't fair, family isn't everything and culture is not the be-all and end-all of existence. Life experience will teach the lessons. Tears of sadness will be replaced by nods of acceptance. OP, here's a question. If your culture and your family forbade you from being with this girl and her culture/family accepted you with open arms, what would you do?
tigressA Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Yeah, I'm with you on that. I know several people in that situation of being severely torn between family expectations and personal desires in terms of relationships, and it just seems like a lot of unnecessary suffering. I've been embroiled in a couple of situations like this that could've turned into chaos had they lasted long enough. I've found it's really not worth it to get involved with people whose immediate family would go postal and threaten excommunication upon finding out their precious child isn't sticking to "their kind".
denise_xo Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 I've been embroiled in a couple of situations like this that could've turned into chaos had they lasted long enough. I've found it's really not worth it to get involved with people whose immediate family would go postal and threaten excommunication upon finding out their precious child isn't sticking to "their kind". Good you got out of those. I did have a challenge with my mother and was ready to go the whole way with that, but it was dealing with an individual rather than a whole 'family culture', so it's a different cup of tea, I think. She came around, though.
tigressA Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Good you got out of those. I did have a challenge with my mother and was ready to go the whole way with that, but it was dealing with an individual rather than a whole 'family culture', so it's a different cup of tea, I think. She came around, though. I would be more than ready to go the whole way with my own family on something like that, but a lot of others won't. I have to say, if your family's approval is so damn important to you, then just leave people who you know your family won't approve of as potential life partners ALONE. If you know your family wouldn't approve of someone who isn't of "your kind" and you're not prepared or willing to fight them, then just date people of your kind. Geez! Ah, this stuff gets me really riled up.
denise_xo Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 if your family's approval is so damn important to you, then just leave people who you know your family won't approve of as potential life partners ALONE. If you know your family wouldn't approve of someone who isn't of "your kind" and you're not prepared or willing to fight them, then just date people of your kind. Good point.
refurb Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Women cry for all sorts of reasons. Don't worry about it. You did the right thing. RF
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