Xero8780 Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 so I was dumped out of nowhere after 2.5 in a relationship in which we never fought, seemed to having a good time, etc. but she got grass is greener syndrome in the sense that she blatantly said that she wanted to see what it is like to be single and that she was freaked out by how long we had been dating. so I have been trying to do no contact but she keeps contacting me, trying to be friend, etc. but eventually I told her I need space. Now, 1.5 months later, she is sending me all of these texts telling me she misses me, thinks about me all of the time, etc. I am not sure if I want a second chance yet (any advice on how to figure that out? If I truly want it back?), but if I were to want a second chance how should I handle this without pushing her away. I miss her a lot but I feel like spilling my heart will push her away. Should I play it cool? be neutral? keep the text convos going? Her birthday is coming up and I am not sure how to handle that, we are currently on break from school so should I send her a letter? a small gift? I just don't want to screw this up....however I also need to figure out if I want a relationship ya know.... Any advice is greatly appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
2010_Sorry Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 I am not sure if I want a second chance yet (any advice on how to figure that out? If I truly want it back?) If you're not sure, you're not ready. You need to give yourself time, and not rush this. You will know when you are ready to make a decision. While you are giving this time, continue doing what you're doing... minimal, if any contact. Giving her any gifts or having a long talk with her right now could be giving her the wrong message. You still don't know what you want.... Link to post Share on other sites
LifeIsGreat Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I would add to that NO contact. Read all the info here on LS about NC, and you will understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xero8780 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 I just feel like she is sending me all of these signals and if I do not acknowledge them then she will just give up and move on, ya know? I just don't know how to figure out if I want it back, my heart says yes, my head says I love her and care about her, but it is very stressful to potentially be in a situation in which I could be dumped out of nowhere again... Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 so I have been trying to do no contact but she keeps contacting me, trying to be friend, etc. but eventually I told her I need space. Now, 1.5 months later, she is sending me all of these texts telling me she misses me, thinks about me all of the time, etc. Is she just sending you texts or have you also seen her or spoken on the telephone since the breakup? I just feel like she is sending me all of these signals and if I do not acknowledge them then she will just give up and move on, ya know? If you want a relationship you will have to eventually communicate with her. If you wait too long eventually she will give up. I just don't know how to figure out if I want it back, my heart says yes, my head says I love her and care about her, but it is very stressful to potentially be in a situation in which I could be dumped out of nowhere again... There are no guarantees in life. There is always a risk that you could dumped out of nowhere again. But that is a risk you have to take if you want to be in a relationship. What you need is clarity. You need to find out what are her intentions. She's sending you positive signals, but understandably you have doubts and a fear that she could dump you again. Until you get that clarity from her, your fears will remain unresolved and you won't be able to determine what it is that you want. The way to get clarity is to talk with her in person. Dragging it out or ignoring her texts won't bring you any more clarity. Why don't you ask her to get together for a coffee and then have a talk with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Just let her go. If she got grass is greener syndrome once she will do it again. She just wants to keep you as a back up and no self respecting man should ever willingly do that. Link to post Share on other sites
paleblue Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 She wanted to leave, now she wants back. Nice to know she wants to play you. You're not sure about her anymore probably because you realise this. That's the problem, once someone disses you once, they will do it again. She'll just leave you high and dry again. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 I have to agree with the above. It seems you have nothing tying you to that woman and a 2.5 (month?) relationship is really not very long. Their will be others many others... Then you will find one of the really good ones. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xero8780 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 sorry I was unclear, it was 2.5 years and she is the first girl I ever dated. We have been dating in college and basically spent all of our time together and now its suddenly just over... Link to post Share on other sites
cesere Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 If it were me, I'd go back to her. Since she is the one who dumped you, you are lucky that she is coming back. We all make mistakes. One of the reason I got divorced was thinking grass was greener on the other side - I wanted to date other women after 12 years with my beautiful ex-wife. I changed my mind 2 months later...but it was too late. Dumping you was a mistake. We all make mistakes. Let us just hope she learned from it. So, if she wants you back, I would take her back - but let her know that she really hurt you and has to earn your trust back. That's my opinion. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xero8780 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 thank you for the advice, however I am leaving out one thing. A month before this breakup she actually broke up with me because she felt that we were too close and the relationship was too serious, saying that she was scared that we would be dating for four years at the end of college and everybody would expect us to get married. Keep in mind that I also had these same fears and was in no way pressuring her to like commit to me or anything, it was based purely on the fact that we had dated for so long and spent so much time together. However, after two days of not NC she came back claiming that it was the biggest mistake of her life, etc. And then I spent a whole month until the second time she did it in fear of getting dumped out of nowhere again...and of course it happened. Now, about 1.5 months after the second breakup I am receiving the same signals. It is just insane to go back a second time right? On a separate note, to cesere, she hasn't straight up asked me back yet but is saying how confused she is, how much she misses me, how all she does is think about me, etc....how do you suggest I go about responding to that so that I do not push her away? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xero8780 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 one more thing, this makes her sound like a crazy person, but she isn't. She is the kindest person in the world, we never once fought during the relationship...which may have been an issue because I think I failed to stand up for myself, however she is not a girlfriend who during our two and half year relationship was always doing crazy manipulative things, however these dumping incidents seem to come out of her having some sort of freakout/breakdown and she just seems desperately confused about what she actually wants. She has basically told me that she is completely confused and has no idea what she wants...and it seems to manifesting itself in her dumping me and then telling me how much she misses me and hinting she wants to be back. As weird as this sounds, I care about her so much that I am more affected emotionally when I think about the fact that she is sad than I am about myself being sad...which is weird because she is the one who dumped me! I just can't not care about her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xero8780 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 sorry to post so many times...I am freaking out, I have never felt so confused. She told me that she still has feelings for me and can't get over me and I feel like such a loser not responding to that with a full fledged attempt to get her back. Instead, because I can't figure out what I want, I respond with some tepid "I miss you too, but I think we need to keep some space." I think my resistance to getting back with her is purely out of fear and insecurity because I love her so much and can't think of one reason why I would not want to be with her otherwise when I try to think about negative aspects of our relationship. However, is the fact that I was dumped twice out of nowhere by somebody who is clearly confused reason enough to refuse to try to get back with them? Should I be helping her and trying to guide her towards concluding she should be with me? I know I am rambling but I am overwhelmed Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 2.5 years that's different. I totally get where you are coming from I have been where you are in relation to my college GF for the last 12 years of my life. Off and on and off and on... sometimes off and then back on for a space of years. With each of us having had relationships with other people and done all kinds of crazy things. I also know that there is no point in telling you not to try to get back with her because like I said I know just how you feel. My only advice would be this. You dated the woman and wooed her before so you'll know what will work on her. Let her know that you are still interested, in the same way that you let her know you were interested in her in the first place. Also make sure if you get back together it's on your time and your terms. Remember she dumped you so she's the one in the dog house. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xero8780 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 I also have the added problem of never having been in another relationship to compare this to. However, I can say that our mutual friends were SHOCKED that we broke up, we were often teased as being too good of a couple, like our relationship was too perfect (never fought, were always laughing with each other, etc.). These decisions by her were impulsive, I asked her at the time of each breakup when she decided to end it and both times she said "just now." Please keep in mind that she has not behaved in this manner regarding ANYTHING else in our entire relationship, I can just tell she is so confused and doesn't know what she wants..unfortunately I am in the same position. to people like Mrlonely who have been in this situation...will I get more clarification in my mind trying to be distant or should I just give that up and start talking to her again regularly (as opposed to these emotional conversations every 10 days in which we both admit we miss each other and then I end up saying that it isn't healthy for us to be speaking right now because we won't be able to get over each other) and see where that goes? I feel like I may need more time...but then I have this fear that consumes me all day that with each minute that passes she is getting over me, finding a new guy, and then if I come to the realization in a month or whatever "wow, I do want her back" then I will be too late.... However, we dated for so long and had such a good relationship that I think its irrational that she would just get over me. I can also say that some of my close friends would probably lose some respect for me if I was trying to get back with her a second time after being dumped twice. Isn't that just a lack of self-respect of my part, to put myself in that situation again? Mrlonely, how do I go about being able to dictate this "on my terms" without being desperate an pushing her away. I somehow need to get it out of her that she wants to actually date again first of course, which is another problem. Obviously I am right on the cusp with her telling me "i cant get over you..." "I miss you so much, i think about you constantly" "I am so confused" I know this is just rambling and train of thought, but it helps me to get this out, and I feel like its useful to do it somewhere for other people who have experience can see my train of though and provide some feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Xero, You're way over thinking this. I can just tell she is so confused and doesn't know what she wants..unfortunately I am in the same position. to people like Mrlonely who have been in this situation...will I get more clarification in my mind trying to be distant or should I just give that up and start talking to her again regularly (as opposed to these emotional conversations every 10 days in which we both admit we miss each other and then I end up saying that it isn't healthy for us to be speaking right now because we won't be able to get over each other) and see where that goes? You seem to be holding it against her that she is confused. But you are doing the same thing. From what you wrote it seems that the reason why you are confused is because you don't know what are her intentions. With that in mind, how can you get more clarification of her intentions by being distant? By going distant all you are doing is just avoiding the real issue. If you want clarification, you need to talk with her. Yes, those talks will be emotional, but it's better than the uncertainty of silence. and then if I come to the realization in a month or whatever "wow, I do want her back" then I will be too late.... And how will that make you feel? I can also say that some of my close friends would probably lose some respect for me if I was trying to get back with her a second time after being dumped twice. If you delay too long and in a month you decide you want her back, her friends would probably lose respect for her too for you taking so long. But, really, why are you concerned what your friends think? It's your life, not theirs. Isn't that just a lack of self-respect of my part, to put myself in that situation again?Not necessarily. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xero8780 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 k the thing is that we are currently on break from school and live on opposites sides of the country. when we return to school it will have been two months since the breakup, I guess then I will have to ask her to get some coffee, until then I don't think it will be worthwhile to keep texting/speaking to her while we are away. Would you advise I send something like "hey, lets reconnect when we get to school and have a talk" or something? Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Would you advise I send something like "hey, lets reconnect when we get to school and have a talk" or something? Yes. Send it. Sounds like a plan. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xero8780 Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 back at school now, its been about 2.5 months since we broke up and we ran into each other on campus and she basically told me that she still misses me, loves me, and wants to get back together. I left out of the original story that she actually broke up with me once before this final time (a month before the final break up) for the same reasons, and then asked me back within 4 days and I immediately said yes. I do not know what to do right now, need advice. What kind of questions should I be asking myself to determine whether or not it is truly in my best interest to get back together... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xero8780 Posted February 6, 2011 Author Share Posted February 6, 2011 any advice? we are getting coffee tomorrow..... Link to post Share on other sites
SDA Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 She's unstable it seem's like which can't be so good. On LS we talk about how the relationship needs to be "new" in order for it to be successful. Hope everything goes well, let her talk, you listen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Xero8780 Posted February 7, 2011 Author Share Posted February 7, 2011 I feel like the ball is in my court again, however I am very nervous for this meeting. I feel this need to have to re-impress her again...but I should just stay serious, correct? Like what is the tone I want to have? At some point she will straight up ask me back...I don't know what I want. I can't tell if she has actually has like finally come around and will not dump again in a month, or is she is just lonely. She has expressed to me that she realizes she has a made a mistake, and that it is up to me. I just don't know what to say in this meeting, like should I be like "I don't know yet, I need more time?" or like she I be aggressive saying "how will this time be different?" should i ask her what she thought went wrong with the relationship? Ughhh so nervous.... Link to post Share on other sites
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