aerogurl87 Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 (edited) My ex (yes the one who keeps popping up for those of you who may be familiar with my story) claims he wants to be friends as his family and old friends have abandoned him since he left for the military. I feel sympathy for him so although I've yet to initiate contact, aside from a mass "merry christmas" text I included him in, I talk to him when he messages me. So here's what's going on. For the past couple of days he's been telling me to listen to these random songs every day almost. First it was the song The Scientist by Coldplay, then by Staind, and finally Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls. Then Wednesday night happened where he had an panic attack in the middle of the night and asked me to call him to help calm him down. Since I'm very familiar with his history of being bipolar and I used to do stay up to talk to him at night when he went into a panic, it wasn't a big deal to me. And since I was already up I obliged him as a friend helping a friend. Then yesterday night he sends me this song called City of Black and White by Mat Kearney which to me sounds like a guy telling a girl he loves her and is surrendering his heart to her and asking her to just stay with him. Anyway, I've told my best friend about these events and she says that he wants me back or wants something from me and she thinks the panic attack was just a "rouse". My boyfriend knows he's contacted me and he knows that it's hard for me to just abandon my ex as a friend since I still care for his well being. My ex knows about my boyfriend and my plans to move to be with him and although he says he doesn't think I should, he says he wants me to be happy and find someone I can love and be true to. So I don't think he wants me back. I mean yes he's told me he loves me still and that we're soulmates, but he hasn't actually done anything to warrant my suspicions as to what his intentions are. Honestly I think he's just lonely and looking for someone to talk to, or maybe I'm wrong. Edited December 31, 2010 by aerogurl87
nocoast Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Your post begs the question, do you want him back? It sounds to me like there are still feelings there.
Author aerogurl87 Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 Your post begs the question, do you want him back? It sounds to me like there are still feelings there. Everyone tells me that, my boyfriend even said he feels like I sill have "massive feelings" for my ex. I feel something for him, but I don't know if I'd want him back ever again, even if I were to become single again. I do believe we're soulmates as we can't seem to get rid of each other for one reason or another, but I don't think I'd want him back.
Duckduckgoose Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 If you don't think you want him back, go ahead and stay with your boyfriend. I am actually surprised your bf isn't more upset about this... or he might be I dunno. There is a fellow from my life that I still have dreams about, etc. I think we might be "soulmates" but it didn't work between us and honestly I don't think it ever would in this life. That was a long time ago and sometimes I think about him and hope he is doing well. Stick with the man that is making you happy and loves you.
Author aerogurl87 Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 (edited) If you don't think you want him back, go ahead and stay with your boyfriend. I am actually surprised your bf isn't more upset about this... or he might be I dunno. There is a fellow from my life that I still have dreams about, etc. I think we might be "soulmates" but it didn't work between us and honestly I don't think it ever would in this life. That was a long time ago and sometimes I think about him and hope he is doing well. Stick with the man that is making you happy and loves you. My boyfriend was/is upset that him and I talk to each other still. We got into a big argument about it because he said he doesn't like how my ex keeps popping back up and won't go away. But he also told me I'm free to talk to whoever I want as he can't force me to not talk to someone. The main reason I still talk to my ex is a mixture of guilt and empathy. I feel guilty about what led to our relationship being ruined (me cheating on him) and I empathize with him alot as he has had a very rough life. My friend says I have "white knight syndrome" and feel like I have to rescue him from himself, and there is some truth to that. I feel like I have to look out for him since no one else will basically, and I guess that's what keeps his foot in the door of my life. EDIT: On a sidenote, he just texted me to apologize for what seems like the 100th time and told me that if we'd stayed together we'd be married and living together by now. *sigh* I guess I'm not the only one who feels guilty. Edited January 1, 2011 by aerogurl87
Fern Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 You're not doing him any kindness by your behaviour. If you're sure you can't be with him and you really do care about him - the best thing you can do for him is to let him go. Right now you're torturing him.
Author aerogurl87 Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 You're not doing him any kindness by your behaviour. If you're sure you can't be with him and you really do care about him - the best thing you can do for him is to let him go. Right now you're torturing him. I'm not torturing him, he can stop talking to me anytime he wants and he knows if he asks me to stop talking to him I will. Anyway last night he called me 3 times whilst drunk, told me he loved me, and then asked me to come visit him a couple of times. I told him I wouldn't because as he knows I have a boyfriend and if I did that would probably end in me falling back in love with him all over again, which he said would be "fantastic". He knows I'm leaving in less than a month so if anyone is torturing him, it's himself as he knows fully well I'd leave him alone if he asked me to do so. But he hasn't because, oh I dunno, I'm the only person he really has left who is going to be there for him.
HeavenOrHell Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 It's a bit worrying that you think you could possibly fall back in love with your ex if you met up with him, does your bf know that? I'd be so upset if I thought my bf could fall back in love with his ex, as you know they spend a lot of time together, but I don't worry about them falling back in love as it's clear what he feels for me, I wouldn't want to be with my bf if I thought there was a chance he'd fall back in love with her cos of the time they spend together, although at times I'm envious of their time together as I wish it were me and him together, it doesn't follow that people will fall back in love just cos they spend time together again, what makes you think this could happen to you if you saw your ex? Do you mean you would be in love with two people at once? I don't think me or my bf could be in love with 2 people at once, I spend time with my ex but I don't feel I could fall back in love as I love my current bf, and am happy with him, so my heart is with him and no-one else. Maybe in the future if I were unhappy with my partner I could fall back in love with my ex, I don't know. My concern here is I thought you were madly in love with your bf, so I'm surprised to hear you say you could possibly fall back in love with your ex Are you sure you're 100% happy with your bf? Your ex clearly wants you back judging by his actions, and by saying it would be fantastic. I'd seriously think about whether moving to be with your bf is really what you want deep down? Who do you see your future with? Is your partner your soul mate or is your ex? Sorry about all the questions, just wanna help you out hun I'm not torturing him, he can stop talking to me anytime he wants and he knows if he asks me to stop talking to him I will. Anyway last night he called me 3 times whilst drunk, told me he loved me, and then asked me to come visit him a couple of times. I told him I wouldn't because as he knows I have a boyfriend and if I did that would probably end in me falling back in love with him all over again, which he said would be "fantastic". He knows I'm leaving in less than a month so if anyone is torturing him, it's himself as he knows fully well I'd leave him alone if he asked me to do so. But he hasn't because, oh I dunno, I'm the only person he really has left who is going to be there for him.
Author aerogurl87 Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 (edited) It's a bit worrying that you think you could possibly fall back in love with your ex if you met up with him, does your bf know that? I'd be so upset if I thought my bf could fall back in love with his ex, as you know they spend a lot of time together, but I don't worry about them falling back in love as it's clear what he feels for me, I wouldn't want to be with my bf if I thought there was a chance he'd fall back in love with her cos of the time they spend together, although at times I'm envious of their time together as I wish it were me and him together, it doesn't follow that people will fall back in love just cos they spend time together again, what makes you think this could happen to you if you saw your ex? Do you mean you would be in love with two people at once? I don't think me or my bf could be in love with 2 people at once, I spend time with my ex but I don't feel I could fall back in love as I love my current bf, and am happy with him, so my heart is with him and no-one else. Maybe in the future if I were unhappy with my partner I could fall back in love with my ex, I don't know. My concern here is I thought you were madly in love with your bf, so I'm surprised to hear you say you could possibly fall back in love with your ex Are you sure you're 100% happy with your bf? Your ex clearly wants you back judging by his actions, and by saying it would be fantastic. I'd seriously think about whether moving to be with your bf is really what you want deep down? Who do you see your future with? Is your partner your soul mate or is your ex? Sorry about all the questions, just wanna help you out hun Lol, it's ok. No I am madly in love with my boyfriend and yes he's aware that if I were to go see my ex, I could possibly fall back in love with him. I don't see a future with my ex though. When I think about getting married, starting a family, buying my first home, and I see those things with my current boyfriend not my ex. I don't believe my boyfriend is my soulmate and as disenchanting as that may sound to most people, I don't equate the word soulmate with "the one". I think my ex is my soulmate because him and I get each other on another plane that most people never experience. I don't have to try and understand him, and it's odd but from the moment him and I spoke we understood each other pretty much overnight. But that doesn't mean I want to be with him, because honestly I don't. If I wanted I could leave my boyfriend to be with my ex probably, but I wouldn't be happy with him. Him and I are much better off as friends, than being together romantically. When we're friends we get along really well, and when we date each other it just turns into a complete and total mess that I don't want to ever have to deal with again. With my boyfriend on the other hand I get everything I want and need in a partner. He respects me as a person and we have very similar goals and values about life in general. I'm very happy with him and I love him with all my heart, and despite the advances my ex is trying to pull, nothing he can say or do will sway me from being with my boyfriend. My boyfriend knows why I still keep in contact with my ex. He doesn't like it, but he said he understands the guilt I carry with me for what I did to him. He's a very unstable person emotionally and with everyone abandoning him left and right (as usual) I just don't have the heart to cut him out of my life completely. I told him before we broke up that I'd always be here for him as a friend and that's a promise I've always kept to him. I never promised him fidelity or everlasting love, just my unwavering friendship to be here for him when he needs me. The same thing I've promised every person in my life whose ever meant anything to me. Edited January 1, 2011 by aerogurl87
HeavenOrHell Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 I think of my ex as a soulmate, you could be talking about my ex the way you describe yours, for 18 years my ex was 'the one' as well as my soul mate, as well as the bit you said about your current bf >He respects me as a person and we have very similar goals and values about life in general< basically me and my ex had everything I don't know if my bf is "the one" or my soul mate but I can't imagine being happier or wanting anyone more than I want him. In my experience there can be more than just "the one," I've had 2 in my life, one for 6 months (an ex from years ago who was also a soul mate) and one for 18 years. My ex will always be a soul mate even though I'm not in love with him now and unlikely to be ever again. >I think my ex is my soulmate because him and I get each other on another plane that most people never experience. I don't have to try and understand him, and it's odd but from the moment him and I spoke we understood each other pretty much overnight. But that doesn't mean I want to be with him< I SO could have written that!! Basically you're saying even if you fell back in love with your ex it doesn't mean you'd want to be with him, it's good you told your bf about it too. You must have something pretty solid with him, would you be upset if your bf said he might fall back in love with his ex if he saw her? Not sure it's something I could handle But you've been upfront with your bf and not doing anything wrong, so good for you Hopefully you can be friends with your ex without it harming your current r/ship, you might have to ask him to back off a bit though as he needs to respect the fact you are in love with someone else now, he doesn't seem to respecting that at the moment. There needs to be clear boundaries, as many people have said to me regarding my bf and HIS ex. You're totally sure about moving? How far away will you be from your ex then, how close do you live to him now? Lol, it's ok. No I am madly in love with my boyfriend and yes he's aware that if I were to go see my ex, I could possibly fall back in love with him. I don't see a future with my ex though. When I think about getting married, starting a family, buying my first home, and I see those things with my current boyfriend not my ex. I don't believe my boyfriend is my soulmate and as disenchanting as that may sound to most people, I don't equate the word soulmate with "the one". I think my ex is my soulmate because him and I get each other on another plane that most people never experience. I don't have to try and understand him, and it's odd but from the moment him and I spoke we understood each other pretty much overnight. But that doesn't mean I want to be with him, because honestly I don't. If I wanted I could leave my boyfriend to be with my ex probably, but I wouldn't be happy with him. Him and I are much better off as friends, than being together romantically. When we're friends we get along really well, and when we date each other it just turns into a complete and total mess that I don't want to ever have to deal with again. With my boyfriend on the other hand I get everything I want and need in a partner. He respects me as a person and we have very similar goals and values about life in general. I'm very happy with him and I love him with all my heart, and despite the advances my ex is trying to pull, nothing he can say or do will sway me from being with my boyfriend. My boyfriend knows why I still keep in contact with my ex. He doesn't like it, but he said he understands the guilt I carry with me for what I did to him. He's a very unstable person emotionally and with everyone abandoning him left and right (as usual) I just don't have the heart to cut him out of my life completely. I told him before we broke up that I'd always be here for him as a friend and that's a promise I've always kept to him. I never promised him fidelity or everlasting love, just my unwavering friendship to be here for him when he needs me. The same thing I've promised every person in my life whose ever meant anything to me.
LifeIsGreat Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 My ex (yes the one who keeps popping up for those of you who may be familiar with my story) claims he wants to be friends as his family and old friends have abandoned him since he left for the military. I feel sympathy for him so although I've yet to initiate contact, aside from a mass "merry christmas" text I included him in, I talk to him when he messages me. So here's what's going on. For the past couple of days he's been telling me to listen to these random songs every day almost. First it was the song The Scientist by Coldplay, then by Staind, and finally Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls. Then Wednesday night happened where he had an panic attack in the middle of the night and asked me to call him to help calm him down. Since I'm very familiar with his history of being bipolar and I used to do stay up to talk to him at night when he went into a panic, it wasn't a big deal to me. And since I was already up I obliged him as a friend helping a friend. Then yesterday night he sends me this song called City of Black and White by Mat Kearney which to me sounds like a guy telling a girl he loves her and is surrendering his heart to her and asking her to just stay with him. Anyway, I've told my best friend about these events and she says that he wants me back or wants something from me and she thinks the panic attack was just a "rouse". My boyfriend knows he's contacted me and he knows that it's hard for me to just abandon my ex as a friend since I still care for his well being. My ex knows about my boyfriend and my plans to move to be with him and although he says he doesn't think I should, he says he wants me to be happy and find someone I can love and be true to. So I don't think he wants me back. I mean yes he's told me he loves me still and that we're soulmates, but he hasn't actually done anything to warrant my suspicions as to what his intentions are. Honestly I think he's just lonely and looking for someone to talk to, or maybe I'm wrong. You are disrespecting the relationship with your current BF. Your BF has told you he can't stop you from talking to the ex (which is a very mature way for him to handle it). But trust me, you are doing damage with your current relationship. Your BF will get sick of this and he will dump you. Your ex has bi-polar? Do you understand there is nothing you can do for him? You really should make a decision right now. Which one do you want, and then stick with that one.
Author aerogurl87 Posted January 1, 2011 Author Posted January 1, 2011 I think of my ex as a soulmate, you could be talking about my ex the way you describe yours, for 18 years my ex was 'the one' as well as my soul mate, as well as the bit you said about your current bf >He respects me as a person and we have very similar goals and values about life in general< basically me and my ex had everything I don't know if my bf is "the one" or my soul mate but I can't imagine being happier or wanting anyone more than I want him. In my experience there can be more than just "the one," I've had 2 in my life, one for 6 months (an ex from years ago who was also a soul mate) and one for 18 years. My ex will always be a soul mate even though I'm not in love with him now and unlikely to be ever again. >I think my ex is my soulmate because him and I get each other on another plane that most people never experience. I don't have to try and understand him, and it's odd but from the moment him and I spoke we understood each other pretty much overnight. But that doesn't mean I want to be with him< I SO could have written that!! Basically you're saying even if you fell back in love with your ex it doesn't mean you'd want to be with him, it's good you told your bf about it too. You must have something pretty solid with him, would you be upset if your bf said he might fall back in love with his ex if he saw her? Not sure it's something I could handle But you've been upfront with your bf and not doing anything wrong, so good for you Hopefully you can be friends with your ex without it harming your current r/ship, you might have to ask him to back off a bit though as he needs to respect the fact you are in love with someone else now, he doesn't seem to respecting that at the moment. There needs to be clear boundaries, as many people have said to me regarding my bf and HIS ex. You're totally sure about moving? How far away will you be from your ex then, how close do you live to him now? Yeah everything you said is pretty much true. I'm 100% sure about moving to be with my boyfriend. There's not a doubt in my mind that it's the thing for me to do. Right now my ex is in Texas and I'm in NC, so we're not even remotely close to one another and when I move I'll be 8 hours north of the US border, so he'll be even farther away. You are disrespecting the relationship with your current BF. Your BF has told you he can't stop you from talking to the ex (which is a very mature way for him to handle it). But trust me, you are doing damage with your current relationship. Your BF will get sick of this and he will dump you. Your ex has bi-polar? Do you understand there is nothing you can do for him? You really should make a decision right now. Which one do you want, and then stick with that one. He may or may not dump me, that's his decision and if he does I'll respect it. But when we talked about it he said something interesting to me. He said that his ex girlfriend, whom up until recently he was close friends with, was to him like my ex was to me. I told him that was true and I think a lightbulb went off in his head about how I feel about wanting to be there for my ex. He gets it now I guess. And yes I know I can't really do anything for him, I tried that almost two years ago and it did nothing. Well aside from me stopping him from committing suicide and finally going to get help. But yes I know he's a hopeless case and that's why now I don't actively seek him out to help him, but when he comes to me asking for help, I won't turn him down if I can do something to help him out. I only let very few people get close to me, and when they do I always feel indebted to help them no matter what. I guess it's one of my worst and best qualities. And I know who I want, my boyfriend. I've had almost two years to replay every "what if" scenario in my mind about reconciling with my ex and no matter what I could think up, nothing would ever compare with how great my life is and how much better it will be with my boyfriend.
LifeIsGreat Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 OK, fair enough. I suggest that if you are going to continue helping your ex that you continue communicating with your BF about how he feels about it. Based on your post, he seems OK with it for now, but that could change. You said your BF had a similar situation with an ex of his, but now they aren't friends anymore? I'm just saying he may get to the point where he's not cool with your ex-- IMHO. But that's why honest/open communication is so important.
HeavenOrHell Posted January 1, 2011 Posted January 1, 2011 Red flags still waving a bit for me sorry A bit confused as you said this to me about my partner and his ex >The fact that he knows their bond is causing you to be insecure should be a good enough catalyst to make him end their friendship. You're his girlfriend, you're supposed to be his primary concern at this point, not her. I wanted to stay friends with my ex before and it hurt my boyfriend a lot, so I ended it with him. There was no question about it in my mind where my loyalties were < So you stopped being friends with your ex as it hurt him, but are in touch again now, even though he finds it hard? Unless you're talking about a different ex and bf, same principles though.
Author aerogurl87 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 Red flags still waving a bit for me sorry A bit confused as you said this to me about my partner and his ex >The fact that he knows their bond is causing you to be insecure should be a good enough catalyst to make him end their friendship. You're his girlfriend, you're supposed to be his primary concern at this point, not her. I wanted to stay friends with my ex before and it hurt my boyfriend a lot, so I ended it with him. There was no question about it in my mind where my loyalties were < So you stopped being friends with your ex as it hurt him, but are in touch again now, even though he finds it hard? Unless you're talking about a different ex and bf, same principles though. Nope it's the same person, and yeah I suck at taking my own advice sometimes unfortunately. This is pretty much how the situation is. I move in 19 days, and I've told my ex when I move we're never going to be in contact again as he won't have my new number and he's still blocked on facebook. Which I'm sure begs the question, why not stop contact now? And I really have no answer to that other than I'm really scared for him and I don't want me not talking to him to be the final straw that causes him to do something really stupid and possibly fatal.
Author aerogurl87 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 OK, fair enough. I suggest that if you are going to continue helping your ex that you continue communicating with your BF about how he feels about it. Based on your post, he seems OK with it for now, but that could change. You said your BF had a similar situation with an ex of his, but now they aren't friends anymore? I'm just saying he may get to the point where he's not cool with your ex-- IMHO. But that's why honest/open communication is so important. They're not friends at the moment because she threw a hissy fit after he begged and pleaded for her to come eat lunch with us when I was there. Because she was so difficult, he got upset and started rambling on about how much of a b*tch she is, etc. He also wanted this same girl to live with us which I was never too keen on as it's quite clear he still cares about her alot. But that's a different story. And yeah he may get to that point but he knows that when I move my ex won't be in contact with me anymore and he's happy about that. But I'm honest with him about talking to my ex and the nature of our friendship.
HeavenOrHell Posted January 2, 2011 Posted January 2, 2011 We all suck at taking our own advice at times! I think you're wise to stop contact, I would do it straight away to be honest as he's got feelings for you, which you are feeding by being in contact and telling things like you'd probably fall back in love if you were to see him, that's torture to someone who wants their ex back and gives them false hope. IMO you should go NC now and let him let go and move on, maybe in time you can be friends, but not now. I didn't move on at all until I stopped contact with my ex, he wanted to keep in touch and he didn't respect that at first, I started to move on a few days after we went NC, we are friends now after space apart. Your ex needs space from you before he can truly begin to heal. I know you are worried about him but being in contact is making the situation worse. I had a suicidal ex who had a breakdown when I left him, it made him worse when I stayed in touch with him. Your ex needs to make more friends and have support from other sources and get stronger without you. If he decides to take his life that is his decision, it's his life and no-one else's, you have done all you can to help, he is not your responsibility, he is not a child, I know that sounds harsh but it's true, and I really feel he will stay in that place while you are in touch with him. I can't remember if you said he's having therapy or not? Let him go, give him the freedom to grow and heal. Nope it's the same person, and yeah I suck at taking my own advice sometimes unfortunately. This is pretty much how the situation is. I move in 19 days, and I've told my ex when I move we're never going to be in contact again as he won't have my new number and he's still blocked on facebook. Which I'm sure begs the question, why not stop contact now? And I really have no answer to that other than I'm really scared for him and I don't want me not talking to him to be the final straw that causes him to do something really stupid and possibly fatal.
Author aerogurl87 Posted January 2, 2011 Author Posted January 2, 2011 We all suck at taking our own advice at times! I think you're wise to stop contact, I would do it straight away to be honest as he's got feelings for you, which you are feeding by being in contact and telling things like you'd probably fall back in love if you were to see him, that's torture to someone who wants their ex back and gives them false hope. IMO you should go NC now and let him let go and move on, maybe in time you can be friends, but not now. I didn't move on at all until I stopped contact with my ex, he wanted to keep in touch and he didn't respect that at first, I started to move on a few days after we went NC, we are friends now after space apart. Your ex needs space from you before he can truly begin to heal. I know you are worried about him but being in contact is making the situation worse. I had a suicidal ex who had a breakdown when I left him, it made him worse when I stayed in touch with him. Your ex needs to make more friends and have support from other sources and get stronger without you. If he decides to take his life that is his decision, it's his life and no-one else's, you have done all you can to help, he is not your responsibility, he is not a child, I know that sounds harsh but it's true, and I really feel he will stay in that place while you are in touch with him. I can't remember if you said he's having therapy or not? Let him go, give him the freedom to grow and heal. I guess your right, but now he's becoming part of my support system it seems as my boyfriend and I broke up last night and then got back together shortly after. Yeah I know he still loves me, last night he went on a tirade about how if we'd stay together we'd be married by now, I'd be so proud of him (which I still am), and how he'd be proud to call me his wife. *sigh* I wrote more about it on my other thread in the LDR forum, but I dunno, everything is starting to get so confusing now.
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