SandyFall Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 This guy that I've been dating for a couple of months told me that in past relationships, he likes to take things slow and date the girl for a while before officially saying that he's in a relationship. However, when he is dating said girl, it's exclusive. At first I wondered if he does this just to date around and move on to the next girl easily, but he has had "official girlfriends" in the past. Like I said, he just dates them for a few months before making it official. Anyway, I'm in that situation right now with him. We both had the exclusivity talk, but not the boyfriend-girlfriend talk. We've been dating for a couple of months but have only had approx 10 dates because of our schedules being hectic. Although he's busy, he does make sure that he makes some time for me. Also he talks in the future tense such as "When I meet your family...." "Next month I can help you with..." "When I get back from my vacation next week we can...." etc. Whenever he does say something in the future tense, he has stayed true to his word so far. Of note, he also moved slowly regarding physical matters. He waited a few dates before finally kissing me. I was initially fine without being official. I figured that if he's moved slow with past girlfriends then this current behavior isn't anything different. However, when I told a couple of my friends about all this, they were very upset with me. They said that I really need to start demanding that he considers us boyfriend/girlfriend right now and if not, then I need to move on. Now I'm beginning to second guess myself. Are my friends right?
Ruby Slippers Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Your friends are wrong. In few human interactions will demands get you anywhere at all. I say enjoy what you have and give things time to progress. Don't worry about the label for now. Remember, this is time for you to evaluate him and make sure he's up to your standards, too.
yasmina1706 Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Don't listen to your friends! You've only been on 10 dates with him! Don't focus on the time you've been dating (the two months) but on how much time you have actually spent together, which can't be very much. He sounds like a guy who wants to make up his mind before committing. The waiting might annoy you, but a guy who is cautious and follows through on his actions is SO much better than one who launches in to a relationship then gets cold feet, or cheats on you! Also, he's obviously not just using this as an excuse to date around and have fun physically - he is taking it slow with you, so he is a respectful guy who genuinely wants to take things at a relaxed place. Respect his needs. Do you enjoy having fun with him? Do you want to be his official girlfriend? You can use this time to make your mind up too, and see if it would work between you. If you really start to fall for him, and the waiting stretches on for another two months or you don't see the relationship start to develop further, then you can talk to him about it. But 10 dates is still very early days.
PegNosePete Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 We both had the exclusivity talk, but not the boyfriend-girlfriend talk. I wasn't aware there was a distinction here. It's the same thing, isn't it?
january2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 ^^^ I used to think so too. Until I was introduced to the concept that, in addition to exclusivity (not seeing other people), there's the added dimension of commitment/seriousness, i.e., dating with the potential to marry or make a long-term commitment. That is, boyfriend-girlfriend is more serious than just dating partners. You've moved from merely dating to an actual relationship. I'm sure those who are more familiar with the lingo will elaborate further if they feel the need to.
zengirl Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 If it doesn't bother you, don't let your friends convince you it should. If you're happy with where things are going, just be happy! ^^^ I used to think so too. Until I was introduced to the concept that, in addition to exclusivity (not seeing other people), there's the added dimension of commitment/seriousness, i.e., dating with the potential to marry or make a long-term commitment. That is, boyfriend-girlfriend is more serious than just dating partners. You've moved from merely dating to an actual relationship. I'm sure those who are more familiar with the lingo will elaborate further if they feel the need to. I don't get separating them, personally. . . it seems more like stringing someone along or being afraid of the title, neither of which I like. However, in this case, it sounds like the OP is being well-treated, and maybe this guy just likes to be thorough and cautious. So, even though I technically have rules about this for myself (I don't agree to be exclusive unless I'm somebody's girlfriend), I don't think it should bother her or anyone.
january2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I don't get separating them, personally. . . it seems more like stringing someone along or being afraid of the title, neither of which I like. However, in this case, it sounds like the OP is being well-treated, and maybe this guy just likes to be thorough and cautious. So, even though I technically have rules about this for myself (I don't agree to be exclusive unless I'm somebody's girlfriend), I don't think it should bother her or anyone. Oh, I agree. Though I've been told that it's a rather archaic viewpoint. Here's to being old-fashioned.
You'reasian Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 This guy that I've been dating for a couple of months told me that in past relationships, he likes to take things slow and date the girl for a while before officially saying that he's in a relationship. However, when he is dating said girl, it's exclusive. At first I wondered if he does this just to date around and move on to the next girl easily, but he has had "official girlfriends" in the past. Like I said, he just dates them for a few months before making it official. Anyway, I'm in that situation right now with him. We both had the exclusivity talk, but not the boyfriend-girlfriend talk. We've been dating for a couple of months but have only had approx 10 dates because of our schedules being hectic. Although he's busy, he does make sure that he makes some time for me. Also he talks in the future tense such as "When I meet your family...." "Next month I can help you with..." "When I get back from my vacation next week we can...." etc. Whenever he does say something in the future tense, he has stayed true to his word so far. Of note, he also moved slowly regarding physical matters. He waited a few dates before finally kissing me. I was initially fine without being official. I figured that if he's moved slow with past girlfriends then this current behavior isn't anything different. However, when I told a couple of my friends about all this, they were very upset with me. They said that I really need to start demanding that he considers us boyfriend/girlfriend right now and if not, then I need to move on. Now I'm beginning to second guess myself. Are my friends right? Look at it from his perspective: - He talks about the future with you - He's been true to his word - He's had the exclusivity talk Now he's taking his time. Normal according to what he's told you. Has anything happened in the relationship or otherwise to make him be more cautious about you? If so, what?
paleblue Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 I think your friends are wrong. You are both exclusive already. If he needs a lil time to say it, than no big deal if things are fine. I would not be saying this if he was dating others. But he is not. He is talking future stuff with you. So its all good. I say give it a lil time and things will happen naturally. You're friends are just going to cause you trouble in your relationship with him if you listen to them on this one.
EasyHeart Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 He is normal; your friends are nuts. I'm going out on a limb here, but your "friends" don't happen to be female, are they? Ladies: stop trying to label everything!!! Have some fun, dangit.
Author SandyFall Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 Look at it from his perspective: - He talks about the future with you - He's been true to his word - He's had the exclusivity talk Now he's taking his time. Normal according to what he's told you. Has anything happened in the relationship or otherwise to make him be more cautious about you? If so, what?No, not that I can think of. What are you getting at? By the way, he told me that he doesn't like to rush things and prefers to take his time during one of our earlier dates. I assumed he told me that at that point so I knew what I would be getting myself into and what to expect. Yes, I do feel that he treats me well. My last relationship was pretty bad so now my red flag radar is extra vigilant but so far I honestly can't say he's done anything wrong. We're slowly opening up more to each other as the dates go on by confiding in each other about our imperfections and baggage. I can't say that our dates are superficial because we are definitely getting to know each other as a person.
Yer_Blues Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 No, not that I can think of. What are you getting at? By the way, he told me that he doesn't like to rush things and prefers to take his time during one of our earlier dates. I assumed he told me that at that point so I knew what I would be getting myself into and what to expect. Yes, I do feel that he treats me well. My last relationship was pretty bad so now my red flag radar is extra vigilant but so far I honestly can't say he's done anything wrong. We're slowly opening up more to each other as the dates go on by confiding in each other about our imperfections and baggage. I can't say that our dates are superficial because we are definitely getting to know each other as a person. I think he/she is getting at the fact that you have no right to have a problem with this situation because he has been completely up front and communicated everything properly and things are going as expected. If things were not progressing or going slow was just an excuse to not commit at all, then there could be a problem because he's not staying true to what he communicated. From what you are saying, its seems like your friends are incorrect and he's doing exactly what he said he would.
LifeIsGreat Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 If you take the RIGHT advice from people here instead of taking the WRONG advice from your friends, be careful of one thing..... You may be willing to continue with this guy (and you should), but don't get resentful of not having the title boyfriend/girlfriend. If you continue wondering and become resentful, you will wind up acting in ways that will sabbotage the potential you have with him.
Author SandyFall Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 He is normal; your friends are nuts. I'm going out on a limb here, but your "friends" don't happen to be female, are they? Ladies: stop trying to label everything!!! Have some fun, dangit.Yep, they're both female. They're both in new relationships themselves but they said that they became "official" after 1 month of dating. Ironically they've only been in their relationships for a few months but already they're feeling pessimistic about their relationships lasting until February.
PegNosePete Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Here's to being old-fashioned. Oh yeah, I'll drink to that!
EasyHeart Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Emotionally healthy people take their time getting to know people before committing to a relationship. It takes several months to even begin to get to know someone. If you like the guy, relax, have fun and get to know him a little better each day. Don't let your friends decide whether you should be happy.
jenifer1972 Posted December 31, 2010 Posted December 31, 2010 Your friends are foolish and naive. You need time to decide if someone is compatable enough with you to sustain a relationship. Often " dealbreakers" do not come up in the first few months. Too many people jump into relationships quickly and ask questions later. That is stupid! Would you buy a house that you never even did a proper inspection of? Relationships are a serious investment of emotional " currency" and you should make such decisions carefully
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