The Update I Thought I'd Never Write

[Hazyhead]

On Boxing day I received an email from MM. In it he told me that he had told his wife he wanted a divorce and wanted to be with me. He came clean that everything he said to her after dday was one lie after another just to minimise the trouble but he can't lie to himself anymore. He told her he did love me and still does and needs to act on it.

 

After speaking to him, in person at the new house he is renting, he has said that he'll do anything to prove his commitment to me, including giving me whatever space I may need.

 

God. I still do love this man and think we could be so good together, but it'll be a rocky road, right?

[seren]

I would imagine it will be a rocky road, but, thank God for a WS who finally has the balls to own up. At least this way the BS can move forward, and you and the now separated MM can have an open relationship.

 

I hope it all works out for all of you Hazyhead, I imagine there are many rivers to cross, but I hope that you don't get your feet too wet!! This is one of the very few LS stories where I have seen a WS do the right thing, finally.

[Hazyhead]

I would imagine it will be a rocky road, but, thank God for a WS who finally has the balls to own up. At least this way the BS can move forward, and you and the now separated MM can have an open relationship.

 

I hope it all works out for all of you Hazyhead, I imagine there are many rivers to cross, but I hope that you don't get your feet too wet!! This is one of the very few LS stories where I have seen a WS do the right thing, finally.

 

Thank you, seren. After thinking for so long that he was cowardly, the things he has put into place have been actually really brave and I respect him all the more for it. He feels he has a lot to atone for (he was horrible during the last dday) but I think he is finally trying to do the right thing, and has been ploughing himself into therapy to find out why he has tried to avoid conflict and other issues that he has.

 

I'm being cautious, but it seems totally different than ever before and, if I'm honest, I'm a little in shock from it!

 

Baby steps. I guess we'll see!

 

I hope you are well

[Tsm]

Well that is good news, wishing you all the best, and that 2011 will be a better year for you guys.

[Hazyhead]

Well that is good news, wishing you all the best, and that 2011 will be a better year for you guys.

 

Thank you TSM. I would like to think so All the best to you, too.

[turnstone]

That's really good news! Now you get what everyone deserves, to be in a relationship where not only can you be open and honest with each other, but with the rest of the world too.

 

I don't doubt you'll have rocky patches and there'll be some that will be purely down to your situation, but hey, we all have them and you have as good a chance as any, and maybe a better chance than many. He's got himself into therapy which has got to be a great start.

 

A good start to the New Year for you

[TigerCub]

On Boxing day I received an email from MM. In it he told me that he had told his wife he wanted a divorce and wanted to be with me. He came clean that everything he said to her after dday was one lie after another just to minimise the trouble but he can't lie to himself anymore. He told her he did love me and still does and needs to act on it.

 

After speaking to him, in person at the new house he is renting, he has said that he'll do anything to prove his commitment to me, including giving me whatever space I may need.

 

God. I still do love this man and think we could be so good together, but it'll be a rocky road, right?

 

I'm happy for you Hazy - but I'm still going through that phase where I think all MMs lie - so I really want you to be very very careful.

 

I'm just wondering, how do you know that he really did tell his W all those things? Yes, he has a place that he's renting, but maybe she threw him out for some reason. I dunno...

 

I really don't want to take away from your happiness, because I truly do hope that he's telling you the truth and that he finally manned up and that you guys can be happy together.

 

So I'm assuming that he's working on divorce procedures right now? If he doddles on that, what are you going to do?

 

I just worry about you, I don't mean to take away from this possibly awesome news, I just hope that its for real.

[Hazyhead]

That's really good news! Now you get what everyone deserves, to be in a relationship where not only can you be open and honest with each other, but with the rest of the world too.

 

I don't doubt you'll have rocky patches and there'll be some that will be purely down to your situation, but hey, we all have them and you have as good a chance as any, and maybe a better chance than many. He's got himself into therapy which has got to be a great start.

 

A good start to the New Year for you

 

Thank you Turnstone. If it works out, I look so forward to the openness and honesty. It's weird what you take for granted in a normal, healthy relationship. I hope your new relationship is still going strong.

 

Here's to a better new year!

[Hazyhead]

I'm happy for you Hazy - but I'm still going through that phase where I think all MMs lie - so I really want you to be very very careful.

 

I'm just wondering, how do you know that he really did tell his W all those things? Yes, he has a place that he's renting, but maybe she threw him out for some reason. I dunno...

 

I really don't want to take away from your happiness, because I truly do hope that he's telling you the truth and that he finally manned up and that you guys can be happy together.

 

So I'm assuming that he's working on divorce procedures right now? If he doddles on that, what are you going to do?

 

I just worry about you, I don't mean to take away from this possibly awesome news, I just hope that its for real.

 

Tiger, I know exactly where you're coming from. I've been you

 

I know for a couple of reasons. Firstly, the childcare arrangements have changed as he is no longer allowed in the family home, so his child comes to him and has to go back for the evening. At the moment. Hopefully this will ease. Secondly, there was a huge angry knock at the door, whilst I was there and we both jumped. His response (and mine too) was that it must have been her and he asked me if I wanted him to open it or I needed more time before facing her. Also, he's just totally different. Not at all cagey or jumpy if the phone rings.

 

Saying all that, i still will be cautious. We talked about getting counselling together so we do it right, as well as individually.

 

If he doddles on the divorce proceeding (ie. things from his end) I will move no further with him. It depends on the situation I guess, because some divorces can take a bit of time. But, as long as it moves.

 

Thanks for your concern, Tiger.

[TigerCub]

Tiger, I know exactly where you're coming from. I've been you

haha, yeah I know you've been there too

 

that it must have been her and he asked me if I wanted him to open it or I needed more time before facing her.

So...did he answer the door?

 

If he doddles on the divorce proceeding (ie. things from his end) I will move no further with him. It depends on the situation I guess, because some divorces can take a bit of time. But, as long as it moves.

 

You're a smart cookie Hazy!

 

I wish you all the best.

 

Keep us posted!

[Hazyhead]

haha, yeah I know you've been there too

 

 

So...did he answer the door?

 

 

 

You're a smart cookie Hazy!

 

I wish you all the best.

 

Keep us posted!

 

He did, because a man's voice came booming through whilst we were stressing It was his landlord with a package.

 

I am being careful and I will keep you posted. Thanks

[IzzyB]

Wow Hazy, thats pretty awesome. How long were you guys NC? It must have been a new experience to not have him jump when there was a knock on the door.

 

Happy for you and it sounds like you are able to proceed with caution. I have heard story after story about the man going back after even a year of separation, so i know you know this but I think gentle reminders are a good thing.

 

Its funny, I just posted a thread about how it seems everyone's MM is breaking NC, lol. so Im feeling left out. But I am really glad for you. My exMM doesnt have anything to offer me at this point anyway so its sillly of me to even partially want that.

 

ps - was he horrible to you or to her last dday?

 

 

Izzy

[Hazyhead]

Wow Hazy, thats pretty awesome. How long were you guys NC? It must have been a new experience to not have him jump when there was a knock on the door.

 

Happy for you and it sounds like you are able to proceed with caution. I have heard story after story about the man going back after even a year of separation, so i know you know this but I think gentle reminders are a good thing.

 

Its funny, I just posted a thread about how it seems everyone's MM is breaking NC, lol. so Im feeling left out. But I am really glad for you. My exMM doesnt have anything to offer me at this point anyway so its sillly of me to even partially want that.

 

ps - was he horrible to you or to her last dday?

 

 

Izzy

 

Hi Izz,

 

Don't worry, after just over a year on these forums, I am fully aware of those that flip-flop. He has tried to do it himself for a year! But, you're right. That's one of the things I think couple's counselling will help for - helping me feel secure. And him.

 

You know, after over a year of him breaking NCs, I wouldn't wish a non-conclusive break of it on anyone. It hurts everytime. This time last year I was wishing he would leave me alone, as well as pining for him. I understand completely what you're feeling.

 

Last dday he was horrible to both of us, just I had never seen that in him before. He lied, threatened and behaved like a bratty child caught out.

 

Listen, one thing I've learned is don't settle for less than you truly want. Every time I did it hurt me more. I might still get hurt, but this time he has offered what I asked of him. I just hope he means it.

 

We were NC this time for just under three months. The longest we have gone is six months.

 

Take care and have a fab new year without the stressful side of the A

 

Hugs,

Hazy

[skywriter]

HazyHead,

 

Wow! I imagine you were in shock to say the least and still are!

 

I don't know what to say, but time will tell the tale, eh?

 

I do wish you all the best.

[ItsNeverForever]

Holy cow, Hazy!!! I can't believe my eyeballs! This all sounds so good...and to hear that the change you sense in him is almost palpable, I'm just floored. It's a Christmas miracle! LOL. I especially like the idea that when he suspected W was at the door, he was willing and open to full disclosure. This is very positive.

 

That aside, no DOUBT it will be a rocky road with many hurdles, counseling required. But I know you've got a good head on your shoulders, you know all the land mines to look for and you know exactly what to do from this point. I knew what to do second time around, too, and I didn't do it - I let myself fall twice as hard and fast and deep and PAID for it dearly...so I'm living vicariously through you, girl - don't let me down!

 

Please keep us posted! And don't spend too much time with him right away. I know it'll be hard, but please. Just don't. You know I know why.

[whichwayisup]

It's just too bad he didn't wait until he was officially divorced and had some time to go through what he needs to go through before jumping into something with you. Take your time, do things slowly and date, get out of the affair dynamic completely. Don't do sleepovers and/or let him try to convince you to move in with him quickly either..

 

Are you sure it was him who asked for the D or was it his wife?

 

Anyway, let his actions prove to you that he means what he says.

[turnstone]

Hazy, how do you feel about him?

 

(New relationship going good, I will have the MiL from HELL, but otherwise, all good )

[Hazyhead]

HazyHead,

 

Wow! I imagine you were in shock to say the least and still are!

 

I don't know what to say, but time will tell the tale, eh?

 

I do wish you all the best.

 

I am, sky. It' certainly helping me take me time with it all. I need that time to absorb it. Time will tell.

 

Thank you, the best to you for new year, too.

 

Holy cow, Hazy!!! I can't believe my eyeballs! This all sounds so good...and to hear that the change you sense in him is almost palpable, I'm just floored. It's a Christmas miracle! LOL. I especially like the idea that when he suspected W was at the door, he was willing and open to full disclosure. This is very positive.

 

That aside, no DOUBT it will be a rocky road with many hurdles, counseling required. But I know you've got a good head on your shoulders, you know all the land mines to look for and you know exactly what to do from this point. I knew what to do second time around, too, and I didn't do it - I let myself fall twice as hard and fast and deep and PAID for it dearly...so I'm living vicariously through you, girl - don't let me down!

 

Please keep us posted! And don't spend too much time with him right away. I know it'll be hard, but please. Just don't. You know I know why.

 

You make me laugh, INF. It is looking positive so far. Don't beat yourself up over falling for the lines. God, read my past threads which are full of similar laments from me!

 

At the moment I am trying not to see him too often. Pretty busy at the mo anyway. He says he is leaving that with me, when I want to meet he will be there... until I'm ready, if I get ready, for more. I do anticipate many, many obstacles. Eek.

 

I will keep you posted

 

Hugs and the best to you

 

It's just too bad he didn't wait until he was officially divorced and had some time to go through what he needs to go through before jumping into something with you. Take your time, do things slowly and date, get out of the affair dynamic completely. Don't do sleepovers and/or let him try to convince you to move in with him quickly either..

 

Are you sure it was him who asked for the D or was it his wife?

 

Anyway, let his actions prove to you that he means what he says.

 

You're very right, wwiu. I will really try to take it very slowly. We've discussed not moving in until we've enjoyed dating and romance and all the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff.

 

What happened with his W was, they had an argument, as they often do and she told him it was over, as she often does. In the past she has always asked him to go round afterwards, say a day or so later, to see their child, and he does where she asks him to make more effort... and then the cycle carries on. This time he said that it was really over. He left and went back in the morning to tell her the truth.

 

Hazy, how do you feel about him?

 

(New relationship going good, I will have the MiL from HELL, but otherwise, all good )

 

I love him, Turn.

 

I think that if the biggest worry you have is your future MiL, then that's great news. I'm very happy for you

[whichwayisup]

Because of their child, don't even think of moving in for a really, and i mean really long time. You two have to be completely out of the affair dynamic and be comfortable before even meeting his child. Take time on that, that poor kid will be having a hard enough time dealing with all the changes, and doesn't need to meet you anytime soon. I don't mean that in a bitchy way or implying he wants you to be involved with his kid so soon, but still, it has to be said..The child has to come first.. And his ex is always going to be in your lives to a point.

 

I hope your MM is honest and fair to his soon to be ex.

[calliope]

I'm really happy for you, Hazy. You're so supportive to so many here and a really good example of taking care of yourself while trying to move on. I don't have to remind you to tread lightly so you don't get hurt agiain, I know you know this already.

 

I truly hope this works out for you. It's nice to see something good happen to someone good...take care

[White Flower]

Hi Hazy,

 

It's been a while. I got a call from FA telling me the good news. I have messaged Stamp.

 

I think any R worth fighting for is bound to have its rocky roads. But if love is present, it can be worked out.

 

What is it with the new year? I got a call around Boxing Day similar to yours. We'll see, and I will update.

 

Congratulations, I am so happy for you! Further, I am happy that a man did the right thing and decided to live for himself and true love, freeing his W to find the same thing, which she deserves.

[Hazyhead]

Because of their child, don't even think of moving in for a really, and i mean really long time. You two have to be completely out of the affair dynamic and be comfortable before even meeting his child. Take time on that, that poor kid will be having a hard enough time dealing with all the changes, and doesn't need to meet you anytime soon. I don't mean that in a bitchy way or implying he wants you to be involved with his kid so soon, but still, it has to be said..The child has to come first.. And his ex is always going to be in your lives to a point.

 

I hope your MM is honest and fair to his soon to be ex.

 

Thank you for the advice, wwiu. I completely get what you are saying. It's something I have given a lot of thought and do not want to upset things more than I already have. I understand that his wife will need a while to come to terms with this even if his child is too young to understand.

 

Thank you

 

I'm really happy for you, Hazy. You're so supportive to so many here and a really good example of taking care of yourself while trying to move on. I don't have to remind you to tread lightly so you don't get hurt agiain, I know you know this already.

 

I truly hope this works out for you. It's nice to see something good happen to someone good...take care

 

 

Aww, thanks calli I'll really try to tread carefully. I don't think I'd be able to help that if I wanted to. I hope that it does turn into good.

 

Hope you are well, hon!

[Hazyhead]

Hi Hazy,

 

It's been a while. I got a call from FA telling me the good news. I have messaged Stamp.

 

I think any R worth fighting for is bound to have its rocky roads. But if love is present, it can be worked out.

 

What is it with the new year? I got a call around Boxing Day similar to yours. We'll see, and I will update.

 

Congratulations, I am so happy for you! Further, I am happy that a man did the right thing and decided to live for himself and true love, freeing his W to find the same thing, which she deserves.

 

Hey WF! I'm so happy to be reading your words again. Thank you and bless you for contacting those guys. Please send them my love. Miss them both, as have missed you.

 

I'm proud of him actually for his bravery. It's been a while coming!"

 

I hope your call is the sign of great things for you too. I look forward to the update. I think it somewhat has been triggered by the new year. God, I hope it's a good one and for you too.

 

Hugs to ya! xxx

[White Flower]

Hey WF! I'm so happy to be reading your words again. Thank you and bless you for contacting those guys. Please send them my love. Miss them both, as have missed you.

 

I'm proud of him actually for his bravery. It's been a while coming!"

 

I hope your call is the sign of great things for you too. I look forward to the update. I think it somewhat has been triggered by the new year. God, I hope it's a good one and for you too.

 

Hugs to ya! xxx

I will pass your message along.

 

Yes, I think the new year brings new hope, and I suppose it is hope for a better life that gives many of us courage if we didn't have it before.

 

Hugs right back at ya!

[half_ofa_heart]

Good for you Hazy!!!

 

I couldn't be happier for you. I hope the best for you and keep loving yourself and make sure he is loving and respecting you.

 

Happy New Year!