Yes, it does happen! BUT.

[Catseye8]

I used to post here last winter (you can click on my username to view my old posts if you want the looooong version of my story). I always told myself I'd come back to post in this forum if we ever did get back together, and, well, we did, so here I am.

 

It didn't exactly happen smoothly. I spent months pussyfooting around him, walking on eggshells, trying to drop contact with him in the quietest and least confrontational of ways so as not to push him away. And did it help? I don't think so. Sure, I still had the validation of knowing he couldn't quite let me go, but the whole situation was tearing me to pieces. He kind of wanted to sort of maybe get back together but he wasn't quite sure and he really really wanted to apologise properly but he wasn't quite sorted out enough yet (he was dealing with depression at the time) and on, and on, and on... and I was so, so miserable, and yet I felt like I couldn't just yell at him because well, it wasn't his fault he was so messed up, and also if I finally lost it with him there'd never be any chance of us getting back together.

 

But eventually, a couple of months after we broke up, I just snapped. I had absolutely, absolutely had it with being made utterly miserable because of a man who couldn't sort his own head out, and I told him so. I actually wrote him a letter cutting off contact for good, in which I told him precisely how much he'd hurt me, how f**ked up his behaviour was, how little respect I had left for him, and how little I ever wanted to see him again. I told him not to contact me - no phone calls, no emails, no text messages, no nothing, just go away - and if he still insisted that he wanted to apologise, then at the very least stay away from me for a good long while, months if not years, and even then not even bother until he'd property sorted his head out and understood exactly what he was apologising for. (Honestly, I didn't expect he'd ever take me up on that, but I wanted to cut off any attempts to respond immediately 'just to say sorry' as well.)

 

Months went past. I was deeply unhappy, but I grieved, I spent time with awesome friends, and after a while I realised I'd climbed out of the Abyss Of Pain (you know the one) and was starting to live my life again. I started thinking positively about my future again; I started really enjoying my life. I enjoyed the hell out of being single, did some travelling, threw myself into some work projects, started new hobbies. It was great. It took a while to get there, but once I did, it was great.

 

And then, my ex got back in touch - with a letter of his own. I don't want to go into too much detail about all the things he said, but the gist of it was that having to face up to how much he'd hurt me and the fact that he'd really lost me had come as a huge, awful shock to him; he'd got counselling, rearranged his life, and started really working on why he'd messed up a great relationship so badly and what he could do to make sure he'd never do anything that f**ked up and awful ever again. He said he still loved me and always had, and while he realised he'd probably lost his chance with me long ago, he wanted to be able to tell me just how hugely sorry he was for hurting me.

 

We didn't get back together straight away, but eventually I decided to give things another try, because we'd been so great together until things went miserably wrong and if there was a chance to get the good stuff back I didn't want to throw it away without giving it a shot. It's been around six months we've been back together now, and things are really, really excellent. We've done couples counselling (at his suggestion), and that was really worth it - I'd recommend it to anyone in the same position.

 

If you're in the same position as I was this time last year, though, utterly miserable and wondering what to do? I can't tell you that doing what I did will get your ex back. But I can tell you that the best, absolute best, thing to do is to stop thinking 'what will get my ex back?' and start concentrating on what you need. That way, either you'll move on without getting back together, and you'll be happy, or you'll end up getting back together on terms you're happy with, and you'll still be happy.

 

Because I made it absolutely clear to my ex that I wouldn't accept anything less in a relationship than what I wanted and needed - and that if he couldn't give me that, I didn't want second best - the relationship we re-established was on good, healthy terms.

 

Because I finally snapped and let him know how much he'd hurt me, I didn't (and don't) have to walk on eggshells and suffer in silence. I'm not saying that writing a letter tearing strips off the ex in question will be the best thing for anyone else, but being nice to them while hiding the fact that they've hurt you will only hurt you worse.

 

Because I kicked him out of my life totally, and because I concentrated on doing things for me that would make me happy, I got to heal properly by the time he got back in touch.

 

And because I wasn't even thinking about winning him back, he had to win me back - and do it by proving that he could offer me what I wanted.

 

Rebuilding my life so that it was excellent again meant that I was in a really strong position when he got back in touch - I could decide whether or not I wanted to restart a relationship with him, while knowing that even if I didn't, I'd still have a happy and excellent life. I can't overstate what a good thing that was, to be in that position.

 

And I'd never have got any of those things if I hadn't stood up for what I wanted and needed, and kicked him out of my life when his presence was hurting me. Also, the other advantage to that? Even if he hadn't got back in touch, this would still have been a happy ending, because my life would have been just fine.

 

Remember, you're the person you have to live with for the rest of your life. Don't throw your own happiness and your own needs and desires under a bus just because someone else isn't treating you the way you want!

Edited December 29, 2010 by Catseye8

[homebrew]

Incredible story! Thank you for taking the time and sharing it!

 

I wish you both the very best!

 

SEE PEOPLE.... NO CONTACT AND GETTING "YOU" BACK IS THE KEY!

[broken-and-lost]

hi, thanks for posting this i'm in a similar situation with my ex tho i'm the one at the time who was messed up i've done exactly the same things as your boyfriend, got help and began putting my life in order again my problems cost me way too much and losing my girlfriend who i loved with all my heart was the last straw. I'm not sure i'll ever get her back too much damage may have been done but it's nice to hear your story and that things are working out for you gives me hope of a better future.

 

 

thanks for posting

[january2010]

Thank you for coming back to post.

[ginastar]

why did he break up w you to begin with? was he with another girl?

[homebrew]

Anyone willing to make a bet that this will be a very, very popular thread... for a long, long time?

[LifeIsGreat]

For giggles, I went back and read your orginal posts. Soooooo..... he dumped you. You did the right and healthy thing, and he came back. Well, excellent for you and congratulations!!!

 

Let this be a lesson to everyone. If the dumper gets their crap together (assuming they had crap), gets healthy, and wants you--- THEY WILL LET YOU KNOW. In the meantime, forget the crumbs and go/stay NC.

[Catseye8]

why did he break up w you to begin with? was he with another girl?

 

Nope. Commitment phobia - basically he got too close and freaked out.

 

broken-and-lost: I really hope it works out for you, whether with your ex or with someone else in the future. Well done for sorting yourself out! Better things are on their way for you, I'm sure of it.

 

Thanks for the good wishes, guys. I really, really do think that cutting him off and going NC was the best thing I could possibly have done, in my situation. I can't speak for other people's, and I know how much it hurts to think 'but if I go NC then I'll totally lose any chance!', but honestly - someone who will only want you back if they can keep feeding you crumbs while they make their minds up is not worth your efforts and energy.

[homebrew]

Nope. Commitment phobia - basically he got too close and freaked out.

 

broken-and-lost: I really hope it works out for you, whether with your ex or with someone else in the future. Well done for sorting yourself out! Better things are on their way for you, I'm sure of it.

 

Thanks for the good wishes, guys. I really, really do think that cutting him off and going NC was the best thing I could possibly have done, in my situation. I can't speak for other people's, and I know how much it hurts to think 'but if I go NC then I'll totally lose any chance!', but honestly - someone who will only want you back if they can keep feeding you crumbs while they make their minds up is not worth your efforts and energy.

 

For the Love of God... I sure do hope all the Dumpees read your story, what you said above, take it to heart and following in your footsteps!

 

It might be useful if you could explain in more detail why getting "YOU" back was so important / helpful to YOU and how that made an impact on your EX (Now BF) and the reconciliation.

[Ajax]

Nope. Commitment phobia - basically he got too close and freaked out.

 

 

This is what I think happened with my ex. She felt she got too close and panicked. I talked to her three times in the two weeks after she dumped me and then have been NC for the past four months, with no contact attempts on either of our parts.

 

I'm curious as to how your ex/current-boyfriend dealt with his commitment phobia. What is different about your relationship now and how did you come to trust him again?

 

I know the main point is to get ourselves back again, but should my ex ever come back into my life it would be helpful to draw upon the experiences of others who were in similar situations.

[Catseye8]

It might be useful if you could explain in more detail why getting "YOU" back was so important / helpful to YOU and how that made an impact on your EX (Now BF) and the reconciliation.

 

(I think I understand what you mean by "getting YOU back" here, but you'll have to correct me if I've got it wrong!)

 

I was always a bit dubious about advice on here that suggested the way to get your ex back was to stop being a snivelling pile of misery and make your own life as happy and awesome as possible, because it can come across as "if your ex doesn't want you back, that's your own fault for being unhappy about being dumped, now cheer up!" I really don't want to sound like I'm saying that here, because it's not what I think. Being miserable after someone's dumped you isn't something you're doing wrong; it's something you're feeling as a result of someone else's actions. And you should let yourself feel that, and be honest with yourself about what you're feeling, so you can get through it and move past it. But you absolutely should get through it and move past it.

 

I've heard a lot of people say that you should make your life awesome again so that the ex will see how awesome you are and want you back, but that seems like the kind of game-playing I'm not really interested in. You should make your life happy again for your sake, not anyone else's. In my case, focusing on what I needed and wanted in my life, and making my life a happy one, wasn't something I did to get the relationship back - my then-ex didn't even know what my life was like at that point, since I'd cut him out of it. So I don't think it made an impact on him one way or the other, really. It's something I did for me, because I was tired of being unhappy and wanted to enjoy my life.

 

But I can't stress enough what a good thing it was for me to concentrate on what I wanted and needed from life. It meant I got to be happy again, and not just okay but really, really happy. It meant I got to get up every morning all enthusiastic about the day ahead. I know how impossible that can seem when you're getting over heartbreak, but believe me, dumpees of the world, it is out there in your future too. It meant I got to be myself again.

 

From the point of view of reconciliation, it was absolutely the best thing possible. This way, when getting back together again became an option, I could make the decision carefully and for all the right reasons (like, "will this be a good thing for my life?"), and really think about all the important questions (like, "Am I really confident that he's got himself sorted out enough that this is worth the risk?"), rather than ignoring all the important questions I needed to ask both him and me and just going "omg yes let's get back together!" Funny thing, but once you're already happy with your life, it's a lot easier to make the decisions that'll keep you that way.

[Catseye8]

I'm curious as to how your ex/current-boyfriend dealt with his commitment phobia. What is different about your relationship now and how did you come to trust him again?

 

Counselling to deal with the underlying issues, which long predated me and our relationship. I think it's important that it was something he wanted to change for himself.

 

As for trusting him again, couples therapy really helped with that; it's not something I've ever done (or ever been interested in) before, but I can't sing its praises loudly enough for things like this. That, and a lot of talking, and just time in which I got to see to my own satisfaction how much he'd got his act together.

[Ajax]

Counselling to deal with the underlying issues, which long predated me and our relationship. I think it's important that it was something he wanted to change for himself.

 

 

When my ex broke up with me she said she was starting therapy. But since it wasn't just our relationship she couldn't commit to, but friends, family, career path, and even where to live... I have no reason to think she stuck with it. As for couples counseling, I had thought of that just after the breakup, but by then she'd made it pretty clear that there wasn't room for me in her life.

[Catseye8]

When my ex broke up with me she said she was starting therapy. But since it wasn't just our relationship she couldn't commit to, but friends, family, career path, and even where to live... I have no reason to think she stuck with it. As for couples counseling, I had thought of that just after the breakup, but by then she'd made it pretty clear that there wasn't room for me in her life.

 

It sounds like she'll fix the problem if and when it gets to the point where she decides it's making her life incredibly unhappy, and not before.

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Probably not a huge amount of consolation to know that it's got very little to do with you or anything you did wrong, but hopefully that's something at least?

[pandagirl]

No matter what, it sounds like you'll have a happy ending, because you know how to look our for yourself.

 

And out of curiosity, how long did you two not talk before resuming contact?

[homebrew]

I cannot thank you enough CatsEye8!!!!

 

Great, Great story!

 

Sharing your experience, your attitude and the approach that you took after the break up is very inspirational to the rest of us!

 

The fact that you and your EX (Now, BF) got back together is just the icing on the cake!

 

Glad that you came back to help out all your fellow Dumpees! We owe you one!

[Catseye8]

And out of curiosity, how long did you two not talk before resuming contact?

 

It was somewhere around four/five months, I think.

[Capthxc]

Thanks for the encouraging thread.

 

I'm in a similar position as your former ex was. You actually kind of sound like my ex in how you handled your situation. Basically, she never told me to cut off contact with her, but she flat out ignored me for a while. The few times i did try to contact her(Granted it was way too soon for me to attempt it, and i understand this now) she lashed out at me. First it was for one of my friends trying to add her on facebook, and the other one came from me accidentally texting her when i was drunk. The most recent of them occurred about 2 months ago, and i haven't really tried to contact her since. That is, until Christmas hit. We had a pretty good conversation, lasted for about an hour or so then she had to run. No relationship talk or anything, just a little catching up. She seemed generally glad to talk to me and see me approach her in a more casual way, without my emotions getting in the way. Anyways, I told her id send messages her way whenever i came across something that i think would interest her and she seemed okay with it. Haven't really talked since Christmas though. I just found out i came in possession of a movie shes been waiting to see, and i'm sending it her way now. Hoping it might spawn another decent conversation, but i wont put all my eggs in one basket.

 

 

I had the same issues as your ex. I was afraid of commitment, everything came to me so suddenly. I started getting jealous about everything and anything, and I started to show Bi-polar tendency's that i never even knew I had. Things got ugly real quick and while she tried to work with me for a month, I just want making myself or things between us any better. It really did take the shock and awe of realizing I lost something good, that there was a high probability of me never seeing or talking to her again for me to realize what i needed to do for myself, first and foremost. Counseling, medication, working out, reconnecting with old friends, meeting new people. All of it has helped tremendously. I'm about to hit that 4 month mark with her soon in January. I thought maybe 3 months would be too soon, but since i got her to at least open up to me with some light conversation, i figured i might as well keep up with the chats here and then. Obviously not as much as i used to, not even close. But I think it's a good start.

 

Reading this thread has reassured me that the steps i'm taking just might be the right thing for me to do. I cant barrage her with the apologies and what not right off the bat, but in your experience(since you and my ex seem to have a little in common)would it be best if i waited for her to bring it up, or should i wait for the opportune moment?

 

Not trying to turn this into an advice thread, i'm just a little curious. I really only wanted to thank you for putting this out there.