The 4 stages of an Affair

[East7]

I have read a lot of the A-s and trying to summarize how A-s start and die, based on personal research (no website copy or inspiration) - also English is not my native language so maybe some parts may sound not clear enough.

 

STAGE 1. DISCOVERY AND EMOTIONS (month 1-3)

 

All affairs start as a close friendship which leads to connection. There is a lot of romance and fantasy about each-other. It is the stage when the connection becomes emotional. The two AP exchange sweet words and flirt openly. They also spend the day

thinking about each-other and begin to build up a world out of reality (Why we haven't met before )

At this stage the OP doesn't mind to start a relationship with a married person and don't push for commitment. He is just enjoying this new and passionate relationship as something amazing and exiting.

At this stage the MAP begins to grow distant from the BS.

 

STAGE 2. CONSOLIDATION (month 3-6)

 

The A at this stage goes eventually physical which makes it even more powerful and addicting. The MAP eventually stops sex with the BS and spends every little free time to be or talk with the OP. They exchange gifts, talk a lot and get the connection stronger exchanging every single detail of their lives. The WS starts to feel a stranger in his own home, he forgets basic things, neglects his spouse eventually the children.

At this stage the WS starts to feel a slight guilt but he is so much in the fog that the addiction for OP excuses everything. In his mind OP is a "friend" that he loves. The intellectual exchange is great and the passion too. They think they are made for each-other or that they are soul-mates.

The OP starts to project a "future" with the WS, expresses his needs, but not necessarily pushing the WS or asking for divorce.

 

 

STAGE 3. REALITY FACTOR (month 6-12)

 

At this stage the WS begins to see the relationship for what it really is : an affair ! The romance and fantasy world starts to vanish and leave more place to the reality.

The WS's guilt grows bigger and settles in. WS starts to become inconsistent with AP going from clinging to distance, while feeling frustrated and torn. The romance leaves more and more place to frustration, pain and guilt.

The OP becomes more and more demanding but also considers the option that WS might never leave his spouse. The pain, frustration and the addiction become deeper. When MAP is distant AP puts aside her demands just to spend a moment with MAP. As soon as the MAP gives the "fix" the AP starts to be more demanding.

The relationship becomes conflicting like a roller coaster of fights, love and frustration.

At this stage the WS is less aware of his actions, telephone calls, messages, all what can make him go straight to a D-day. That's why the D-day arrives at this stage. They are so used to communicate with the OP that they forget "to hide" their actions and pay less attention.

 

STAGE 4. THE AFFAIR BURNS OUT (month 12-24*)

 

At this stage the guilt becomes stronger than the addiction to the OP whether if the relationship is burned out or because of a D-day. WS tempts to break up with AP but because of his state of withdrawal he goes back and forth in contact with AP. Even when he decides to stay in the M, he is still attracted from AP and does everything to get some attention from the AP (without any intention to leave the marriage).

Some of WS get comfortable with the BS forgiveness and once the dust settles, they temps to contact the AP for nostalgia or desire to see if the AP longs for them with "friendship" excuse or innocent "I wonder how are you going".

 

*Statistically affairs last at an average of 2 years.

[September]

Hmmmm interesting!

 

For us -

Stage 1 & 2 - Very accurate...

 

Stage 3 - The only part here that applied to us was the lack of care and hence us both being caught.

 

Stage 4 - He went home, threw me under the bus and hasn't tried to make any verbal or physical contact whatsoever only strange hints that he has been around. Oddly though, he hasn't ever initiated a "do not contact" me. I think he likes my odd little fishing emails

 

And yes, our A was for 2 years...

[desertIslandCactus]

A really good post, East.

 

Much of the time the OW come here thinking their feelings of up and down .. or desolation, are isolated.

 

If not to listen to those who have been through it, to see the research as you've presented.. interesting..

[bentnotbroken]

Seems like I read this somewhere before. It may have been during my quest for understanding..but good reading.

[White Flower]

I have read a lot of the A-s and trying to summarize how A-s start and die, based on personal research (no website copy or inspiration) - also English is not my native language so maybe some parts may sound not clear enough.

 

STAGE 1. DISCOVERY AND EMOTIONS (month 1-3)

 

All affairs start as a close friendship which leads to connection. There is a lot of romance and fantasy about each-other. It is the stage when the connection becomes emotional. The two AP exchange sweet words and flirt openly. They also spend the day

thinking about each-other and begin to build up a world out of reality (Why we haven't met before )

At this stage the OP doesn't mind to start a relationship with a married person and don't push for commitment. He is just enjoying this new and passionate relationship as something amazing and exiting.

At this stage the MAP begins to grow distant from the BS.

 

STAGE 2. CONSOLIDATION (month 3-6)

 

The A at this stage goes eventually physical which makes it even more powerful and addicting. The MAP eventually stops sex with the BS and spends every little free time to be or talk with the OP. They exchange gifts, talk a lot and get the connection stronger exchanging every single detail of their lives. The WS starts to feel a stranger in his own home, he forgets basic things, neglects his spouse eventually the children.

At this stage the WS starts to feel a slight guilt but he is so much in the fog that the addiction for OP excuses everything. In his mind OP is a "friend" that he loves. The intellectual exchange is great and the passion too. They think they are made for each-other or that they are soul-mates.

The OP starts to project a "future" with the WS, expresses his needs, but not necessarily pushing the WS or asking for divorce.

 

 

STAGE 3. REALITY FACTOR (month 6-12)

 

At this stage the WS begins to see the relationship for what it really is : an affair ! The romance and fantasy world starts to vanish and leave more place to the reality.

The WS's guilt grows bigger and settles in. WS starts to become inconsistent with AP going from clinging to distance, while feeling frustrated and torn. The romance leaves more and more place to frustration, pain and guilt.

The OP becomes more and more demanding but also considers the option that WS might never leave his spouse. The pain, frustration and the addiction become deeper. When MAP is distant AP puts aside her demands just to spend a moment with MAP. As soon as the MAP gives the "fix" the AP starts to be more demanding.

The relationship becomes conflicting like a roller coaster of fights, love and frustration.

At this stage the WS is less aware of his actions, telephone calls, messages, all what can make him go straight to a D-day. That's why the D-day arrives at this stage. They are so used to communicate with the OP that they forget "to hide" their actions and pay less attention.

 

STAGE 4. THE AFFAIR BURNS OUT (month 12-24*)

 

At this stage the guilt becomes stronger than the addiction to the OP whether if the relationship is burned out or because of a D-day. WS tempts to break up with AP but because of his state of withdrawal he goes back and forth in contact with AP. Even when he decides to stay in the M, he is still attracted from AP and does everything to get some attention from the AP (without any intention to leave the marriage).

Some of WS get comfortable with the BS forgiveness and once the dust settles, they temps to contact the AP for nostalgia or desire to see if the AP longs for them with "friendship" excuse or innocent "I wonder how are you going".

 

*Statistically affairs last at an average of 2 years.

This presentation must have been written by a first time, and one time only cheater whose outcome was guilt and an eventual return to the M for repair. But it is not cookie-cutter, as no affair is.

 

Level one seemed pretty spot on but that's as far as it goes. My exMM was a serial cheater who never felt guilty enough to end most of his As. He only ended them when I found out about them and made him, lo, but that is another storyl. But he wouldn't have done that if he didn't want to keep me around as he had plenty of them right in his back yard (literally at times, lol) and I lived so far away. Again, another story.

 

But still interesting reading. I'm sure it relates very well to the first time cheater who feels his M is worth saving.

[awkward]

East thanks for the information. I didn't realize the typical affair lasted two years. That seems like such a long time. Is that time line still true for those who choose to divorce and begin an open relationship with their OW?

[carrie999]

I have read a lot of the A-s and trying to summarize how A-s start and die, based on personal research (no website copy or inspiration) - also English is not my native language so maybe some parts may sound not clear enough.

 

STAGE 1. DISCOVERY AND EMOTIONS (month 1-3)

 

All affairs start as a close friendship which leads to connection. There is a lot of romance and fantasy about each-other. It is the stage when the connection becomes emotional. The two AP exchange sweet words and flirt openly. They also spend the day

thinking about each-other and begin to build up a world out of reality (Why we haven't met before )

At this stage the OP doesn't mind to start a relationship with a married person and don't push for commitment. He is just enjoying this new and passionate relationship as something amazing and exiting.

At this stage the MAP begins to grow distant from the BS.

 

STAGE 2. CONSOLIDATION (month 3-6)

 

The A at this stage goes eventually physical which makes it even more powerful and addicting. The MAP eventually stops sex with the BS and spends every little free time to be or talk with the OP. They exchange gifts, talk a lot and get the connection stronger exchanging every single detail of their lives. The WS starts to feel a stranger in his own home, he forgets basic things, neglects his spouse eventually the children.

At this stage the WS starts to feel a slight guilt but he is so much in the fog that the addiction for OP excuses everything. In his mind OP is a "friend" that he loves. The intellectual exchange is great and the passion too. They think they are made for each-other or that they are soul-mates.

The OP starts to project a "future" with the WS, expresses his needs, but not necessarily pushing the WS or asking for divorce.

 

 

STAGE 3. REALITY FACTOR (month 6-12)

 

At this stage the WS begins to see the relationship for what it really is : an affair ! The romance and fantasy world starts to vanish and leave more place to the reality.

The WS's guilt grows bigger and settles in. WS starts to become inconsistent with AP going from clinging to distance, while feeling frustrated and torn. The romance leaves more and more place to frustration, pain and guilt.

The OP becomes more and more demanding but also considers the option that WS might never leave his spouse. The pain, frustration and the addiction become deeper. When MAP is distant AP puts aside her demands just to spend a moment with MAP. As soon as the MAP gives the "fix" the AP starts to be more demanding.

The relationship becomes conflicting like a roller coaster of fights, love and frustration.

At this stage the WS is less aware of his actions, telephone calls, messages, all what can make him go straight to a D-day. That's why the D-day arrives at this stage. They are so used to communicate with the OP that they forget "to hide" their actions and pay less attention.

 

STAGE 4. THE AFFAIR BURNS OUT (month 12-24*)

 

At this stage the guilt becomes stronger than the addiction to the OP whether if the relationship is burned out or because of a D-day. WS tempts to break up with AP but because of his state of withdrawal he goes back and forth in contact with AP. Even when he decides to stay in the M, he is still attracted from AP and does everything to get some attention from the AP (without any intention to leave the marriage).

Some of WS get comfortable with the BS forgiveness and once the dust settles, they temps to contact the AP for nostalgia or desire to see if the AP longs for them with "friendship" excuse or innocent "I wonder how are you going".

 

*Statistically affairs last at an average of 2 years.

 

Great post! The timelines vary, naturally, but I would not be surprised if this was pretty accurate for most. In my case, we experienced both stages 1 and 2 very quickly, and stage three came just around the three-month mark, though it started brewing when we began talking more openly about the idea that we might actually end up together. The fear came when he believed he would have to make a choice between us at that point, and had no idea what to do, and practically fell apart.

 

Despite the hell we went through, I eased him through that stage by pointing out that even if we were to decide to be together (as an "honest" couple), that would take years to happen. We would both have to deal with our current relationships and step back from one another in order to find some clarity. There is no set timeline for this, because this is about two relationships that pre-existed what we have or had. So if we are to make "us" happen, it requires factoring eachother out of the equation and deciding whether we want to work on our respective relationships, or end them. There is no "us" in that. And that's where we are now. Running away together was never an option, at least not in my mind.

 

I haven't maintained NC with him. But we've chosen to talk while sorting out our own personal issues, without factoring one another into them. This LC might easily lead to stage 4, but maybe something good will come of it.

 

Despite the differences in how long each stage might take, depending on the affair and the people involved, I think you've outlined it very well.

[Got it]

I would argue most affairs end due to dday and not due to the affair partner being so riddled with guilt they bow out.

 

And there are quite a few that go on after leaving the marriage and into an open relationship.

 

So while may timeline some accurately there are quite a few that buck this theory.

[SoMovinOn]

STAGE 1. ...

At this stage the MAP begins to grow distant from the BS.

 

Sometimes, the MAP begins an affair because they are already distant from the BS, and have been for some time, maybe years.

 

 

STAGE 2. ...The MAP eventually stops sex with the BS...

 

Sometimes the MAP looks for an affair because sex with the BS already stopped, maybe years ago.

 

 

...neglects his spouse eventually the children.

 

If there are children.

 

 

At this stage the WS starts to feel a slight guilt...

 

Or not. The WS, before beginning the affair, may have already decided he/she wants out of the marriage, that the marriage is over. Some people can't deal with being alone so they line someone up to fall back on before they end the marriage.

 

 

STAGE 3. ...At this stage the WS begins to see the relationship for what it really is : an affair! ....

 

In those types of affairs where it is just am emotional or sexual affair. In other cases, it's pretty much the same as dating - the MAP is looking for someone.

 

 

From there out, it's simply a description of a single type of affair. It doesn't apply at all in other types.

[pureinheart]

This presentation must have been written by a first time, and one time only cheater whose outcome was guilt and an eventual return to the M for repair. But it is not cookie-cutter, as no affair is.

 

Level one seemed pretty spot on but that's as far as it goes. My exMM was a serial cheater who never felt guilty enough to end most of his As. He only ended them when I found out about them and made him, lo, but that is another storyl. But he wouldn't have done that if he didn't want to keep me around as he had plenty of them right in his back yard (literally at times, lol) and I lived so far away. Again, another story.

 

But still interesting reading. I'm sure it relates very well to the first time cheater who feels his M is worth saving.

 

WOW, did your reply bring back the memories! As I have communicated in the past, exDM had been cheating from day 1 of the M...he had many escapades in progress and I used to b*tch at him about that...at that point we were mostly friends.

 

I think it's interesting as he quit seeing his potentials and actually had quit flirting even. His game was keeping a considerable amount of prospects incase one didn't work out.

 

I eventually saw a man that was very afraid of women, especially if they took him up on his "offers"....I remember one time we were in a crowded thrift store and he was asking me to marry him (quite loud), and I was telling him to go screw himself (he pissed me off)...a girl popped up and said that she would gladly marry him (and meant it)...he freaked and said, no I have tro marry her (meaning me)...after that I was unable to get him away from me.

 

Interesting post East...thank you

[jlola]

In my culture and family, I have seen a lot of affars. My take is stage 4 can be prolonged. Depending on how empty the affair partners are. One they pass the 2 year mark and are still together, they will recreate drama to get back to romance and passion.

 

How? Everytime the affair is begining to get boring one of the affair partners will rile things up. usually the AP will do this by telling MP they are going off to lead their lives because they are sick of being affair person. But this will include drama. "You will always be the love of my life"."I will never forget you". MP will do this by saying they have to give marriage another shot for the sake of the kids. Same drama. " I will never feel this way about my spouse" "you are my soulmate sob,sob". We must never talk again.

 

All this sobbing and crying, all of the talk of longing and being a martyr creates further drama. More longing,more fntasy. more distance to recreate the passion.Now these two feel special. they will not be forgotten and someone on this earth will pine for them forever. how flattering to their low self esteem.

 

but they know next birthday,holiday,Valentine's day,groundhog day or whatever the hell day it is, they can have an excuse for one of them to touch base and break no contact . Then the drama starts again for a bit,till it begins to get boring and tedious again. then break-up,make-up cycle continues. It can continue to 5 years the more pitiful,self absorbed and codependent the Affair partners are.

[East7]

Thanks to everyone for the input.

 

I would like to stress that this "theory" is based on my own A experience and readings, not copy or "borrowed" somewhere on a website.

 

Seems like I read this somewhere before. It may have been during my quest for understanding..but good reading.

 

I would be glad to see where you have seen a similar thing. But again, no copy.

 

Sometimes, the MAP begins an affair because they are already distant from the BS, and have been for some time, maybe years.

 

YES, that's true too. Distance or boredom prior to A.

 

Sometimes the MAP looks for an affair because sex with the BS already stopped, maybe years ago.

 

True, but in most of the cases the sex is only dull not totally stopped.

Or not. The WS, before beginning the affair, may have already decided he/she wants out of the marriage, that the marriage is over. Some people can't deal with being alone so they line someone up to fall back on before they end the marriage.

 

That's called an exit-affair but IMO very few A-s are exit-affairs. In most of the cases the MAP is not actively looking for an A.

 

From there out, it's simply a description of a single type of affair. It doesn't apply at all in other types.

 

This applies to an affair between a married person and a single OM/OW.

 

Another category of A-s are between two married/committed people, the stages are more or less the same with the difference that both AP have no intention to leave their respective M so there is less pressure. In 2 MAP affair, often one of them end up divorced and the other stays in the M.

 

[jlola]

surprised more people did not answer to this post.Pretty insightful.

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks to everyone for the input.

 

I would like to stress that this "theory" is based on my own A experience and readings, not copy or "borrowed" somewhere on a website.

 

 

 

I would be glad to see where you have seen a similar thing. But again, no copy.

 

This is similar but still I don't think it is what I read initially.

 

http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Start-of-the-Affair---Four-Stages&id=573596

[OWoman]

Hmmm... this is interesting, but none of my As followed this pattern....

 

 

I have read a lot of the A-s and trying to summarize how A-s start and die, based on personal research (no website copy or inspiration) - also English is not my native language so maybe some parts may sound not clear enough.

 

STAGE 1. DISCOVERY AND EMOTIONS (month 1-3)

 

All affairs start as a close friendship which leads to connection. There is a lot of romance and fantasy about each-other. It is the stage when the connection becomes emotional. The two AP exchange sweet words and flirt openly. They also spend the day

thinking about each-other and begin to build up a world out of reality (Why we haven't met before )

At this stage the OP doesn't mind to start a relationship with a married person and don't push for commitment. He is just enjoying this new and passionate relationship as something amazing and exiting.

At this stage the MAP begins to grow distant from the BS.

 

STAGE 2. CONSOLIDATION (month 3-6)

 

The A at this stage goes eventually physical which makes it even more powerful and addicting. The MAP eventually stops sex with the BS and spends every little free time to be or talk with the OP. They exchange gifts, talk a lot and get the connection stronger exchanging every single detail of their lives. The WS starts to feel a stranger in his own home, he forgets basic things, neglects his spouse eventually the children.

At this stage the WS starts to feel a slight guilt but he is so much in the fog that the addiction for OP excuses everything. In his mind OP is a "friend" that he loves. The intellectual exchange is great and the passion too. They think they are made for each-other or that they are soul-mates.

The OP starts to project a "future" with the WS, expresses his needs, but not necessarily pushing the WS or asking for divorce.

 

 

STAGE 3. REALITY FACTOR (month 6-12)

 

At this stage the WS begins to see the relationship for what it really is : an affair ! The romance and fantasy world starts to vanish and leave more place to the reality.

The WS's guilt grows bigger and settles in. WS starts to become inconsistent with AP going from clinging to distance, while feeling frustrated and torn. The romance leaves more and more place to frustration, pain and guilt.

The OP becomes more and more demanding but also considers the option that WS might never leave his spouse. The pain, frustration and the addiction become deeper. When MAP is distant AP puts aside her demands just to spend a moment with MAP. As soon as the MAP gives the "fix" the AP starts to be more demanding.

The relationship becomes conflicting like a roller coaster of fights, love and frustration.

At this stage the WS is less aware of his actions, telephone calls, messages, all what can make him go straight to a D-day. That's why the D-day arrives at this stage. They are so used to communicate with the OP that they forget "to hide" their actions and pay less attention.

 

STAGE 4. THE AFFAIR BURNS OUT (month 12-24*)

 

At this stage the guilt becomes stronger than the addiction to the OP whether if the relationship is burned out or because of a D-day. WS tempts to break up with AP but because of his state of withdrawal he goes back and forth in contact with AP. Even when he decides to stay in the M, he is still attracted from AP and does everything to get some attention from the AP (without any intention to leave the marriage).

Some of WS get comfortable with the BS forgiveness and once the dust settles, they temps to contact the AP for nostalgia or desire to see if the AP longs for them with "friendship" excuse or innocent "I wonder how are you going".

 

*Statistically affairs last at an average of 2 years.

 

Typical of my As would be:

 

STAGE 1: LUST AND RESEARCH (month 1 -3, or longer... up to 18 months)

 

I notice a hot guy in my environment - typically a work-related situation, as that is where I am at my most dominant. I file him in the "potentials" file. If he hits on me, I discard him instantly. If he engages but doesn't attempt to hit on me, I'll embark on fact finding: is he straight? What is his R status? Where does he live, and who does he live with? What is his professional track record? What is he like as a person? What does he spend his time doing? Has he had any previous As? Has he tried? I will gradually build up a profile on someone until I find something - anything - that turns me off, at which point I will discard them from the file. If nothing off-turning is found, I'll proceed to the next stage, which is

 

STAGE 2: NEGOTIATION (anything from two weeks to several months)

 

I make a direct approach, and put my proposal on the table. If there is immediate interest, I will move onto negative scenario forecasting, painting as dire a picture of possible outcomes as possible, as graphically as I can. I will force him to consider the very worst that could happen - and then some. I will persist until doubt claws at the very centre of his being. And then I will ask him to think about it, and terminate the conversation.

 

STAGE 3: PASSION (anything from a single encounter to years, depending)

 

If the negotiations lead to agreement, we'll move on to action. We will meet when and where I choose, for as long as I choose. If the passion stays hot, I'll keep his number in my phone. If he strays out of his box, he's history.

 

STAGE 4: THE A FIZZLES OUT (whenever I decide)

 

If he breaks the conditions - by wanting more, by contacting me in any way, by wanting to become a friend instead of just a lover, by wanting to integrate himself into my life in any way, he's summarily dumped. If I tire of him, he's history. If I look through my phonebook and see I haven't called him in a while, he's history. If he buys a new car I don't like, wears an ugly shirt or shows any other sign of bad taste - he's history. If he gets clingy, he's history. If he starts talking about his home life, he's history. If he starts wanting to hear about my life, he's history.

 

Of course, my last A didn't hit stage 4. Instead, the passion overflowed into something else - intimacy. We had both changed, we both wanted it. We reentered negotiations and negotiated new terms, logistics and timelines. We acted on them and got M. That lasted, from first glance to M, five and a half years, but the "A proper", ie from first mingling of body fluids until he dumped his W and moved out with the kids, three years. I moved in with him 6 months later, and his D was final 6 months after that and then we M immediately.

 

It might not fit your picture, but it worked for us

[East7]

Owoman, you were what I qualify a "professional dater" (at least until you got married).

 

Professional daters are men's worst scenario.

[calliope]

From there out, it's simply a description of a single type of affair. It doesn't apply at all in other types.

 

This applies to an affair between a married person and a single OM/OW.

 

I'm a single OW, my A was 1.5 yrs. This did not apply in my case. Some is similar, timelines were different, progression was different, some never happened at all.

 

Interesting post though, just goes to show how predictable human nature is. We're all from all over the globe, yet many of us could have written each others' stories....

[silverplanets]

In my culture and family, I have seen a lot of affars. My take is stage 4 can be prolonged. Depending on how empty the affair partners are. One they pass the 2 year mark and are still together, they will recreate drama to get back to romance and passion.

 

How? Everytime the affair is begining to get boring one of the affair partners will rile things up. usually the AP will do this by telling MP they are going off to lead their lives because they are sick of being affair person. But this will include drama. "You will always be the love of my life"."I will never forget you". MP will do this by saying they have to give marriage another shot for the sake of the kids. Same drama. " I will never feel this way about my spouse" "you are my soulmate sob,sob". We must never talk again.

 

All this sobbing and crying, all of the talk of longing and being a martyr creates further drama. More longing,more fntasy. more distance to recreate the passion.Now these two feel special. they will not be forgotten and someone on this earth will pine for them forever. how flattering to their low self esteem.

 

but they know next birthday,holiday,Valentine's day,groundhog day or whatever the hell day it is, they can have an excuse for one of them to touch base and break no contact . Then the drama starts again for a bit,till it begins to get boring and tedious again. then break-up,make-up cycle continues. It can continue to 5 years the more pitiful,self absorbed and codependent the Affair partners are.

 

Ouch .. that doesn't spare any punches.

 

And as with anything that hits home the reason is because there is truth in it.

 

I *really* liked this post, and given that my A lasted nigh on 13 years then it does, of course mean that I was pretty empty inside ...

 

And of course, you would be right ... there was a great big hole inside which, once I finally got rid of the drama, I was able to see, explore and begin to learn to truly discover and love myself as a complete person so that the hole got/gets smaller and smaller.

 

I am not saying that this applies, to everyone, just that for me, this post was spot on.

 

be safe

Chris

[jlola]

Thank you for your acknowledgement:) I have imagined that high drama and push and pull is what keeps longer term affairs going after the initial infatuation stage wears off. because of my culture I have seen uncles who carry on that scenario. They have long term mistresses and terbulant relationships. They just love the drama.

 

I think many affair partners ultimately understand the relationship is burning out after the 2-3 year mark. Right about the time infatuation burns out. If they get toghether life would just become ordinary again PLUS they would have to give up a lifestyle they are used to. Losing proposition for many(I do acknowledge there are a few AP that get together after 3 years successfully)They are not ready to let go of the drama. In fact many get addicted to it. What better way to rile the passion back up . Keep the longing,pining,roller coaster ride going on.

[East7]

I think many affair partners ultimately understand the relationship is burning out after the 2-3 year mark. Right about the time infatuation burns out. If they get toghether life would just become ordinary again PLUS they would have to give up a lifestyle they are used to. Losing proposition for many(I do acknowledge there are a few AP that get together after 3 years successfully)They are not ready to let go of the drama. In fact many get addicted to it. What better way to rile the passion back up . Keep the longing,pining,roller coaster ride going on.

 

The 2-3 years mark is valid for any relationship, not just affairs. It is the usual time that passion (which is mostly hormonal) lets more place to a kind of quiet tender love.

 

I don't claim that my "theory" appliers to every affair, it is based on most of them when the AP is single and longing for commitment. And if I think that most of A-s don't last more than 2-3 years it is not only because the passion temps to calm down but also because there is no progress and one of the AP gets tired and throws the towel.

Of course there are exceptions when the 2 AP never really quit feeding the drama, because the MP has the best of the both worlds and the OW is ok to be an OW. But I believe that emotionnaly healthy people need progress and projects to stay in a relationship and soon or late the OP wakes-up and walks away.

[jlola]

agree, but would most emotionally healthy people be stuck in an affair? Let alone carry on past 2 year mark? Hopefully not being disrespectful.But never knew anyone i thought emotionally healthy to be caught in affair cycle. Most emotionally healthy people would recognize the triangle is not healthy and opt for councelling or a divorce.

 

Now if someone cheated with a ONS was remorseful,looked into that mistake and never did it again ,that person may be less harshly judged. To continue with a behavior for years you know not to be right,to lie in the face of one you claim to lovedaily,or one who loves you and has done all they can to make your life better says there is disfunction.

 

Yes,people all lie. But this is a huge one. if you can openly lie to someone you sleep with day in and day out, one you vowed to honor,can anyone trust you not to do the same to them once infatuation stage is over?

[East7]

agree, but would most emotionally healthy people be stuck in an affair? Let alone carry on past 2 year mark? Hopefully not being disrespectful.But never knew anyone i thought emotionally healthy to be caught in affair cycle. Most emotionally healthy people would recognize the triangle is not healthy and opt for councelling or a divorce.

Affairs really happen to anyone even emotionally healthy people. Being healthy is to know to get over it and move on.

[OWoman]

Owoman, you were what I qualify a "professional dater" (at least until you got married).

 

Professional daters are men's worst scenario.

 

Nope - have never dated. It's not my scene at all.

[Got it]

Don't forget the affairs where the MP(s) leave the marriage.

[Sandyinlove]

This is an interesting timeline. I'm currently in an affair that started 6 months ago. OM and I know we can't be together forever. He is separated but not divorced. We both have two kids. I keep hoping it will "fizzle out" because I don't want this and I cry a lot. I just want my life back when my only love was my husband. I never thought I could love another man like I do OM. I hate this situation and I guess I'm scared to make the choice to stop seeing OM. I need to grow a pair. There is no quick fix or easy way out when emotions are involved. 6 months is already way longer than I ever imagined this lasting.